"What!" Alex said, enunciating the T like she was spitting at me. She jumped to her feet like she"d been stung. "You fell in the pool and you were sopping wet and that boy kissed you? I can"t believe it."

"What? That a boy kissed me?"

"No. That my little sister got her first kiss before me! This is great. Just great. Welcome to my Ugly Betty life." She crossed her arms again.

"I can"t believe you"re mad. This isn"t about you. It"s, like, the worst thing ever, and it happened to me. Me," I said, stabbing myself in the chest with my finger.

"So? I"m the one who wanted a first kiss. You could care less. And I"m, like, the star of Never Been Kissed."

"I can"t believe a boy kissed you. Ew!" Joey shuddered like she had creepy crawlies on her. "I"d rather touch a big fat banana slug. No, I"d rather eat a worm!"

"You guys, I"m telling you - I"ve never been so embarra.s.sed in my whole life! I mean, how would you feel if you acted like a total idiot, fell backward into your Science experiment, turned into a human Popsicle, then said something mean and ran away?"

"This is bad," said Joey. "Bad." She was shaking her head.

"Thanks a lot, Joey," I said.

"Are you sure he kissed you?" Alex asked. "How exactly did you fall into the pool? Walk us through it," she said, rolling her hand in circles to get me to tell the story.

"Hold on," said Joey. She ran into Alex"s room and came back with Sock Monkey. "Here. Sock Monkey can be Wire Rims." She grabbed a pair of wire-rimmed gla.s.ses off of her doll with the long braids and put them on Sock Monkey.

"Hey, he actually looks cute with gla.s.ses!" said Alex. I scowled at her. "Okay, that is so not the point." She handed him to me.

I told the whole story, in all its horribleness, complete with putting Sock Monkey in my face to demonstrate the gla.s.ses. .h.i.tting me in the head. Then I showed them how I pulled away, leaning backward, flailing my arms and losing my balance.

"Only pretend the bed is the pool of water and pretend I"m soaking wet. Watch. I"ll show you." I demonstrated falling back on the bed dramatically and almost hit my head on the wall.

Both of my sisters started laughing like idiots.

"I hate you guys. This is so not funny!"

"You know you can"t sleep in our room tonight," said Joey. "You have major boy cooties."

"Stevie, so what if you got wet? You still got your first kiss! You are so lucky. I hate my life!"

"Why can"t everything go back to the way it was?" Joey asked sulkily.

"So, then what happened?" Alex pressed.

"I ran."

"Did he say anything?"

"He was . . . stuttering. I don"t know."

"Did you say anything?"

"I don"t think so. I might have yelled at him."

"Oh, man, that is, like, the worst first kiss ever!" said Alex.

I clobbered Alex with the pillow I was holding. "It"s all your fault, Alex."

"Me? What"d I do?"

"You made us throw stuff in the fire that night. You made us wish stuff. I tossed in my troll doll and wished for something new and exciting to happen to me. Instead, I got first-kissed by a troll in a Santa shirt."

"At least your hair didn"t turn green," said Alex.

"That would be cooler," said Joey.

"I want the spell off me," I said with a shiver. "Is there, like, a double-reverse, antifirst kiss spell or something?"

"Yeah, right," said Alex. "Uh! My baby sister got kissed first."

"Gross me out," said Joey.

"I just can"t believe this happened to me," said Alex.

"To you? You guys! How about . . . I can never show my face at school again. At least not in Earth Science or in the halls or at lunch. And I"ll just have to flunk my Science lab. Forget it. I"m never leaving this house again." I leaned back and put the pillow over my head. "That"s it. From now on, I"m going to wear this pillow case over my head when I go to school."

"Can I take your picture?" Joey asked.

TO BE OR NOT TO BE . . . TYBALT.

Starring Alex Me: Sock Monkey! You"re never going to believe what I just heard.

Sock Monkey: Don"t you mean overheard?

Me: Busted. I admit it. I was listening in on play practice again. I can"t help it - I miss being part of the play.

Sock Monkey: So, tell me!

Me: Okay, so Tybalt, a.k.a. some kid named Conrad Icches, just threw in the towel. As in quit the play. As in walked out the door!

Sock Monkey: Who"s Tybalt?

Me: Tybalt is Juliet"s cousin, and a Capulet. He hates all Montagues, especially Romeo. He"s the one, at the ball, who realizes it"s Romeo in disguise and wants to kill him on the spot. Except he can"t because Lord Capulet would get super mad. So later, he sends a letter to Romeo and challenges him to a big duel, where they"ll fight to the death. So cool! I was made for this part.

Sock Monkey: What? I thought you were made for the part of Juliet. Besides, you quit, remember?

Me: I know, but I made a mistake, okay? I never really wanted to quit. I think I just freaked when I couldn"t be Juliet. But every day when I hear them practice - I don"t know, it"s like I"m missing out. Like something"s wrong. A piece of me is missing when I"m not acting in a play.

Sock Monkey: But you can"t be Tybalt. Tybalt hates Romeo. You like Romeo.

Me: So? He has, like, the best part, even though he hardly has any speaking lines, because he gets to sword-fight all the time. They call him the Prince of Cats because he"s so great at sword-fighting. He can even kill a mouse, no problem.

Sock Monkey: But he"s a boy, right?

Me: Yeah, but the boys get to do all the cool action stuff. The girl characters just fold their hands and swoon and faint all the time. It"s boring just waving a handkerchief around.

Sock Monkey: So, you would dress up as a boy, even though Jayden is the lead. And she"ll be in a silky, satiny, frilly dress?

Me: For one thing, I already have the short hair. Besides, at least this way I get to be in the play. I can"t spend my whole life eavesdropping on them.

Sock Monkey: You mean, at least you"d get to be around Scott Towel, because you"d have scenes with him.

Me: That too.

Sock Monkey: And you guys would have to practice together a lot, like as much as with Jayden, because the sword-fighting scenes are really hard.

Me: Exactly. Wouldn"t you just love to see the look on Jayden"s face when she finds out I"m in the play? She"s still a measle-mouthed maggot. A moldwarp. A beslubbering flax-wench!

Sock Monkey: Tell us how you really feel.

Me: It would just kill her if I got a good part in the play.

Sock Monkey: To be or not to be Tybalt. That is the question.

Me: I think I"m really going to do it. Yep. Now, all I have to do is convince Mr. Cannon that he should give me another chance. Even though I quit.

Sock Monkey: How are you going to do that?

Me: Hey, I grew up sword-fighting my sisters using paper towel tubes. Dad taught us tons of stuff. Who could possibly know the thrust, the lunge, the high-low sequence, and going for the kill better than me?

Sock Monkey: Sounds like you"re the man for the job!

FRENCH-FRIED FRENEMIES.

Starring Alex SETTING: THE RAVEN THEATER; PLAY PRACTICE, THE NEXT AFTERNOON.

Jayden: What"s she doing here?

Scott: Um, she lives here?

Mr. Cannon: Everyone, I"d like you to welcome our newest addition to Romeo and Juliet - Alex Reel.

Matt: Hey, Alex.

Brianna: Alex is back?

Allen/Alvin: We need you . . . we really need you.

Jayden: Mr. Cannon, I thought Brianna was going to be my understudy.

Me: Hi, everybody. I"m happy to be back! I was, um, super busy and thought I might not have time for the play, you know? But then I heard about Conrad quitting and got the idea that maybe I could help out and fill in for him. So, I talked it over with Mr. Cannon, and he said yes.

Mr. Cannon: We"re very pleased to have you back, Alex.

Jayden: I don"t get it. Conrad was Tybalt. Juliet"s cousin. h.e.l.lo! He"s a guy.

Me: That"s me. Tybalt. (Tugs on short hair and holds finger under nose, imitating a mustache.) Mr. Cannon: Alex has been good enough to step up and take Conrad"s place and play the role of Tybalt. That saves us from holding auditions again, since we"re already behind.

Jayden: (To Alex.) You"re going to be Tybalt?

Scott: (To Alex.) You"re going to be Tybalt?

Mr. Cannon: I, for one, think it"s a great idea. Mix it up a little. In Shakespeare"s time, all the actors were men, and they had to play female parts.

Me: So, this is like that, only in reverse.

Mr. Cannon: I couldn"t be more pleased. This will be a good challenge for you, Alex. And the rest of us can learn a thing or two from Alex. Alex is quite the accomplished swordswoman. Or should I say swordsman.

Jayden: (Looks pleased. Turns to Scott.) Romeo kills Tybalt, you know. So, you"re going to have to kill her.

Scott: (Turns to Alex.) Wait . . . I have to kill you? Oh, yeah, after you kill Mercutio, I kill you.

Me: Don"t worry. I"m good at dying.

Mr. Cannon: Okay, people. Let"s have Romeo and Juliet, stage left, starting with "I would I were thy bird." Alex, why don"t you work with Mercutio while they finish up. Then you and Romeo can practice some swashbuckling.

LATER THAT AFTERNOON, SWORD-FIGHTING LESSON WITH ROMEO.

Me: Okay, we"ll start out using these wrapping-paper tubes for swords. (Hands him a long cardboard tube.) Scott: Can"t we just start out with French fries? (Grabs French fry from grease-stained white bag and waves it at Alex.) On guard!

Me: Okay, you are seriously weird. (Takes bite.) Yum! Okay, no more fries for you. Here"s your cardboard tube.

Scott: Yeah, because I wouldn"t want to hurt you. I swashbuckle a mean sword, you know.

Me: Very funny. Okay, first, we take position. Stand facing me with your feet wide apart and bend your knees.

Scott: Like this?

Me: Yes, except don"t bend your knees so much. You look like a first grader with a stomachache.

Scott: Is this where I get to kill you?

Me: (Laughs.) Not if I kill you first.

Scott: So what are we, like, frenemies?

Me: (Hands on hips.) Pay attention! Okay, now stand back a little. The tip of your sword should be about twelve inches from my belly b.u.t.ton. Hold the sword in your right hand and point it to your left, at my side, right about here, at my waist. Never point the sword directly at the other person.

Scott: How can I kill you if I can"t point the sword at you?

Me: (Teases.) For now, I"ll just be happy if you don"t poke my eyes out.

Scott: Yeah, those are great eyes. To have, I mean. I"m sure you want to keep them both.