With everlasting love and grat.i.tude.
Your son,
VIVEKANANDA. * *.
CLIX.
To Mrs. Ole Bull
1502 JONES STREET, SAN FRANCISCO,.
7th March, 1900.
DEAR DHIRA MATA, Your letter, enclosing one from Saradananda only and the accounts, came. I am very much rea.s.sured by all the news I since received from India. As for the accounts and the disposal of the Rs. 30,000, do just what you please. I have given over the management to you, the Master will show you what is best to do. The money is Rs. 35,000; the Rs. 5,000, for building the cottage on the Ganga, I wrote to Saradananda not to use just now. I have already taken Rs. 5,000 of that money. I am not going to take more. I had paid back Rs. 2,000 or more of that Rs. 5,000 in India. But it seems, Brahmananda, wanting to show as much of the Rs. 35,000 intact as he could, drew upon my Rs. 2,000; so I owe them Rs. 5,000 still on that score.
Anyway, I thought I could make money here in California and pay them up quietly. Now I have entirely failed in California financially. It is worse here than in Los Angeles. They come in crowds when there is a free lecture and very few when there is something to pay.
I have some hopes yet in England. It is necessary for me to reach England in May. There is not the least use in breaking my health in San Francisco for nothing. Moreover, with all Joe"s enthusiasm, I have not yet found any real benefit from the magnetic healer, except a few red patches on my chest from scratching! Platform work is nigh gone for me, and forcing it is only hastening the end. I leave here very soon, as soon as I can make money for a pa.s.sage. I have 300 dollars in hand, made in Los Angeles. I will lecture here next week and then I stop. As for the Math and the money, the sooner I am released of that burden the better.
I am ready to do whatever you advise me to do. You have been a real mother to me. You have taken up one of my great burdens on yourself - I mean my poor cousin. I feel quite satisfied. As for my mother, I am going back to her - for my last days and hers. The thousand dollars I have in New York will bring Rs. 9 a month; then I bought for her a bit of land which will bring about Rs. 6; and her old house - that will bring, say, Rs. 6. I leave the house under litigation out of consideration, as I have not got it. Myself, my mother, my grandmother, and my brother will live on Rs. 20 a month easy. I would start just now, if I could make money for a pa.s.sage to India, without touching the 1,000 dollars in New York.
Anyhow I will sc.r.a.pe three or four hundred dollars - 400 dollars will be enough for a second cla.s.s pa.s.sage and for a few weeks" stay in London. I do not ask you to do anything more for me; I do not want it. What you have done is more, ever so much more than I deserve. I have given my place solemnly to you in Shri Ramakrishna"s work. I am out of it. All my life I have been a torture to my poor mother. Her whole life has been one of continuous misery. If it be possible, my last attempt should be to make her a little happy. I have planned it all out. I have served the Mother all my life. It is done; I refuse now to grind Her axe. Let Her find other workers - I strike.
You have been one friend with whom Shri Ramakrishna has become the goal of life - that is the secret of my trust in you. Others love me personally. But they little dream that what they love me for is Ramakrishna; leaving Him, I am only a ma.s.s of foolish selfish emotions. Anyway this stress is terrible, thinking of what may come next, wishing what ought to come next. I am unequal to the responsibility; I am found wanting. I must give up this work. If the work has not life in it, let it die; if it has, it need not wait for poor workers like myself.
Now the money, Rs. 30,000, is in my name, in Government Securities. If they are sold now, we shall lose fearfully, on account of the war; then, how can they be sent over here without being sold there? To sell them there I must sign them. I do not know how all this is going to be straightened out. Do what you think best about it all. In the meanwhile, it is absolutely necessary that I execute a will in your favour for everything, in case I suddenly die. Send me a draft will as soon as possible and I shall register it in San Francisco or Chicago; then my conscience will be safe. I don"t know any lawyer here, else I would have got it drawn up; neither have I the money. The will must be done immediately; the trust and things have time enough for them.
Ever your son,
VIVEKANANDA. *.
CLX.
To Miss Josephine MacLeod
1502 JONES STREET, SAN FRANCISCO,.
7th March, 1900.
DEAR JOE,.
I learn from Mrs. Bull"s letter that you are in Cambridge. I also learn from Miss Helen that you did not get the stories sent on to you. I am sorry. Margot has copies she may give you. I am so so in health. No money. Hard work. No result. Worse than Los Angeles.
They come in crowds when the lecture is free - when there is payment, they don"t. That"s all. I have a relapse - for some days - and am feeling very bad. I think lecturing every night is the cause. I hope to do something in Oakland at least to work out my pa.s.sage to New York, where I mean to work for my pa.s.sage to India. I may go to London if I make money here to pay a few months" lodging there.
Will you send me our General"s address? Even the name slips from memory now!
Good-bye. May see you in Paris, may not. Lord bless you, you have done for me more than I ever deserve.
With infinite love and grat.i.tude,
Yours,
VIVEKANANDA. *.
CLXI.
(Translated from Bengali.)
To Swami Brahmananda
SAN FRANCISCO,.
12th March, 1900.
MY DEAR RAKHAL, I got a letter from you some time ago. A letter from Sharat reached me yesterday. I saw a copy of the invitation letters for the birthday anniversary of Gurudeva (Divine Master). I am frightened hearing that Sharat is troubled by rheumatism. Alas, sickness, sorrow, and pain have been my companions for the last two years. Tell Sharat that I am not going to work so hard any more. But he who does not work enough to earn his food will have to starve to death! . . . I hope Durgaprasanna has done by this time whatever was necessary for the compound wall. . . . The raising of a compound wall is not, after all, a difficult thing. If I can, I shall build a small house there and serve my old grandmother and mother. Evil actions leave none scot-free; Mother never spares anybody. I admit my actions have been wrong. Now, brother, all of you are Sdhus and great saints, kindly pray to the Mother that I do not have to shoulder all this trouble and burden any longer. Now I desire a little peace - it seems there is no more strength left to bear the burden of work and responsibility - rest and peace for the few days that I shall yet live! Victory to the Guru! Victory to the Guru! . . . No more lectures or anything of that sort. Peace!
As soon as Sharat sends the trust-deed of the Math, I shall put my signature to it. You all manage - truly I require rest. This disease is called neurasthenia, a disease of the nerves. Once it comes, it continues for some years. But after a complete rest for three or four years it is cured. This country is the home of the disease, and here it has caught me. However, it is not only no fatal disease, but it makes a man live long. Don"t be anxious on my account. I shall go on rolling. But there is only this sorrow that the work of Gurudeva is not progressing; there is this regret that I have not been able to accomplish anything of his work. How much I abuse you all and speak harshly! I am the worst of men! Today, on the anniversary of his birthday, put the dust of your feet on my head - and my mind will become steady again. Victory to the Guru! Victory to the Guru! You are my only refuge - you are my only refuge! Now that my mind is steady, let me tell you that this resignation is the permanent att.i.tude of my mind. All other moods that come are, you should know, only disease. Please don"t allow me to work at all any longer. Now I shall quietly do j.a.pa and meditation for some time - nothing more. Mother knows all else. Victory to the Mother of the Universe!
Yours affectionately,
VIVEKANANDA. *.