To break the spell, he busied himself with bringing her porridge, but he could see that she attempted to eat only to please him. There was a new tension between them. Finally she abandoned the plate and said, "The world seems different." Then, her deep blue eyes sick with memory, she asked, "At home-do they-? Oh, Rimon, I-I started to make friends with two girls in the wagon with me. Lynn... and Serri. Serri, like my sister. And then in those horrible Pens, they stripped us, and the guards It"s chilling the way they look at you-zlin you, rather, looking for ones they can goad, so they can take a kill. One of the guards-Serri talked back to her-and she she-she killed her, right there. And... then I knew I was Gen, Rimon, because I didn"t do anything! I-I"m a coward, just like Nerob!"
"Because you didn"t go get yourself killed, too? Kadi, that"s just common sense!"
"No. You don"t know how I felt. Oh, Rimon, have I changed so much? Things taste and smell different. And I"ve never cried like that before. I don"t really feel like a different person-but I"m so confused!"
Everything in him wanted to comfort her. He reached out to cradle her face in his hands and kissed her as he used to do. For one moment, it was as if nothing had changed-and then, with a start, she drew back. "Rimon! Doesn"t that make you-"
Puzzled, he searched himself. "It"s gone," he whispered. "The need tension. No, not gone-faded away... Kadi, whatever it is you do for me, you do it even better now that you"re Gen."
Rimon put his arms around Kadi in the old, sheltering gesture. She melted against his chest, and they sat for a long time watching the fire and holding each other, suspended in a moment out of time. Rimon felt all the tiny threads of self-control, of denial of need, mysteriously loosening within him. With any other Gen, Rimon knew that his current state of need would have been whipped into kill frenzy. How easy the last week of each month would be with Kadi to lean on like this. But-one flicker of fear in her, and even Kadi might be his next victim.
Yet, now that he"d tasted this-how could he give it up?
Two mornings later, they rode into the pa.s.s, taking a shortcut Kadi had learned of in the Pens. But in a few hours, they encountered such rough terrain they had to dismount and lead the horses. "Kadi, are you sure this is the way?"
"No," she answered irritably. "I"m not sure. I thought this was right, but after all, I"m only a Gen. I can get lost."
"Hey-I"m not complaining," said Rimon. "All I can tell is that we"re near the border. This pa.s.s does go through, but it"s awfully rough going-" He almost added "for a Gen," but thought better of it. Instead, he said, "Why don"t you rest here for a few minutes while I climb that pinnacle over there? Maybe I can zlin the way through. It may not be as bad as it looks."
Away from Kadi, he felt need sharpen. Soon, though, he forced it to the back of his mind, as he had had to do so often before around the stock.
As he topped the craggy pinnacle, he saw the pa.s.s they had missed-an easy road cleared through the tumbled boulders clogging the slice in the hillside. He was about to scramble down when he felt selyn nager ahead. There was a group of Gens down there, not far from the border. A Gen border patrol? What luck! Kadi could go right to them, and have a safe escort into Gen Territory.
He turned to call to her, and paused for a moment. She was sitting on a rock, Wolf beside her, her hand on the dog"s head. She had never been more radiantly beautiful. Her nager was like a golden halo all about her; he could feel it even from here. He knew all at once that despite days of steeling himself for this moment, he wasn"t ready to send her away-not now, not ever.
It took all his strength to force himself to climb down, calling, "Kadi! This way-bring the horses!"
He led her to a vantage point where they could look down at the Gens. "I don"t understand it," he said as they climbed carefully. "They haven"t moved in.the last half hour, and they"re on the Sime side of the border, no place to make camp-"
At that point, Rimon sensed another, weaker, nager among the Gens, and slid hyperconscious to check his perception. "Kadi, there"s a Sime with them-weak field great pain-a changeover victim?" He scrambled heedlessly to the top of the rise and looked down at a lush valley dotted with trees.
Kadi joined him, and together they took in the scene below them. The group of Gens, all male, wore no uniform or identifying blazon, so they couldn"t be an official Gen border patrol. Perhaps they were a band of vigilantes mounting a reprisal raid against nearby Larchmont Crossing-where Rimon planned to go for a Pen Gen to kill.
On the ground among the Gens lay their captive, a Sime woman wearing the green armband of the Sime border patrol. She was unconscious, but must have suffered for a long time before reaching that state, for Rimon could not believe the cruelty of what they had done to her. Beside him, Kadi choked and turned to bury her face against his shoulder, chills of horror running through her.
The Gens had a contraption Rimon had seen before, and hated: an animal trap. They often set them along the border to capture bears or wolves, or other fur-bearing animals. Rimon had occasionally released animals from Gen traps or, more often, killed them quickly to end their suffering.
The Gens had clamped both their prisoner"s arms in the trap, the cruel teeth closed about halfway up her forearms. It was obvious that she had sustained a fatal lateral injury, slowly voiding selyn until she would die of attrition -not long now.
As they pitched camp, the Gens kicked her every time they pa.s.sed by, to see if she was conscious. Rimon felt every blow deep in his own body. They aren"t civilized they"re just animals. His need rose and his tentacles ached for the kill. That was really all Gens were good for.
"Rimon, I can"t breathe!"
He realized he was holding Kadi to him so tightly his own shoulders ached. "I"m sorry. Here, that better?"
She wiped tears away and forced her breathing to steady as she looked once more at the group below them. "I can"t go down there. I won"t have anything to do with such s.a.d.i.s.ts. Take me home; I"d rather belong to Nerob."
Rimon held her away from him, suddenly remembering that she was Gen. He told her what he"d just been thinking. "But that doesn"t apply to you, Kadi."
"Maybe it will-one day-if I go down there."
"Somewhere out there, you"ll find somebody good who"ll want to,take care of you as I want to-and can"t. Kadi, go on down there. They won"t be cruel to you-any more than the Reloc Pen guards would be cruel to a kid in changeover."
Kadi looked thoughtfully down at the Gens. "Maybe I can distract them, make them stop torturing her. Maybe -when they"re not looking-maybe I could give her a quick death. I wonder if I could make myself do it."
"You"re a full-grown woman, and you can do anything you set your mind to. Kadi, if you can distract them, get them away from camp a bit, I could probably get in there and help her die peacefully. If I have to, I could take one of them and be gone before they knew I was there. It would make your escape claim seem more valid."
Kadi"s lips tightened. "You"re going to have to kill and soon-I know that. But-"
"It"s different when it"s real people involved? Yes-I know. But, Kadi-"
"Oh!" cried Kadi as one of the largest Gens kicked the prisoner again. "Rimon-you kill that one-the one with the barbed spurs on his boots, Do it for me."
This was the Kadi of free spirit and pure courage he had always known. "All right, if I have to take one of them, it will be that one. Now"-Rimon almost choked on the words-"now, go on down there and do what you must."
He could feel the emptiness in Kadi"s heart as she stared at him for a long moment, as if she were engraving his features in her memory as he was hers. Then she turned and scrambled down the twisted trail toward the Gens. With one hand she loosed her hair, and with the other she smeared dirt over her skin so she looked much more trail-worn than she was.
She paused to kick a rock loose to signal her approach. Then, when she was sure they"d seen her, she veered off across the rock face, stumbling and scrambling, tossing fearful glances over her shoulder as if expecting close pursuit.
Several of the Gens broke away and came after her. Kadi redoubled her pace. Rimon could see her plan at once-to lead them a merry chase so he could get into their camp. But suddenly Kadi slipped, her ankle twisting under her, and went skidding sideways down the slope toward the Gens. He heard her yelp of pure surprise. She went into her panic act, screaming and kicking against the Gens as if they were Simes out to kill her and she were merely a runaway from the Pens. There was no panic in her nager, but the act was pure genius.
He held his breath, waiting to make sure her pain was nothing more than scratches and bruises. Then, seeing that her initial plan had failed, he decided he"d better find a more secure vantage point. He went back the way they had come, then up and over the side of the pa.s.s.
Hugging the edge of the valley, Rimon worked his way to where he could zlin what went on. By this time, they had Kadi by their fire, one of them tearing the Sime woman"s shirt into strips to brace Kadi"s ankle. The Sime woman was still unconscious, and from this close, Rimon could perceive the selyn leaking from her torn laterals. He fixed his attention on the big Gen with the spurs, for the first time in his life approaching a kill without the slightest hesitation or doubt-or regret.
Kadi let one of the men help her to her feet. It seemed that they had accepted her. Then the man who had helped her bent and scooped her into his arms, kissing her roughly on the mouth. Kadi began to kick and squirm, but the huge Gen was more than she could manage. Then the Gen with the spurs pushed Kadi"s captor, and in an instant the two big men were squared off for a fight, Kadi on the ground between them, just as Rimon had seen Gen males fighting over females in the Pens.
Animals-nothing but animals.
But these were Wild Gens. What were they doing? Did they make slaves of Gens from Sime Territory? Was that what he"d sent Kadi to? His first impulse was to charge in and break it up. But these Gens were not trained to obey a Sime, and one Sime in need against seven wild Gen males -no, no chance.
Before the two males began to fight, a short blond Gen shoved between them. With one hand, he plucked Kadi off the ground and shoved her at the Gen with the spurs. The leader rewarding his man.
At that moment, Wolf, whom Rimon had forgotten, dashed from the underbrush and began to nip at the Gen"s spurred ankles, barking and snarling. As the big Gen danced away from the dog, the other Gens howled with laughter. One of the others took a lariat from his saddle and flipped it over Wolfs head, securing the snarling, prancing dog to a tree. That won"t last long, thought Rimon.
During the distraction, Kadi had made a run for it, back the way they"d come. But they caught her before she"d fairly started. I"ve got to get help, thought Rimon. His eye fell on the green blazon now wrapped around Kadi"s ankle. The border patrol never traveled alone. The Sime woman must have been part of a detachment, and some of them must still be in the area.
Rimon worked his way back along the edge of the valley to where he could overlook the whole green flatland to the border. In the distance, there was a haze of dust, and just in front of it, now that he was concentrating, he could barely discern the collective nager of a band of Simes-the border patrol. It had to be the border patrol-but any Simes would be delighted to attack that band of Gens.
Augmenting slightly, confident he would soon have a kill, Rimon went to meet them. They had already spotted the Gen nager ahead, and Rimon told them, "They have one of your scouts." In two-syllable words, he described what had been done to her. Then he said, "And they"ve got my-"
"Your Gen? You can prove legal ownership, I presume."
"Yes, of course." Thanks to those tags!
The patrol leader held out a hand, tentacles extended. "Then come!" Rimon vaulted aboard, suggesting a sheltered route back to the Gen camp. Soon they drew up behind a stand of trees, dismounted, and crept up with Rimon to survey the scene.
The Gens had a fire going, several rabbits and a grouse spitted over it. Surely, thought Rimon, they think they"re in Gen Territory. Off to one side, Kadi"s new owner was sawing away at her collar. The Sime leader took all this in, muttering something about a reprisal raid on Larchmont Crossing, and then turned to Rimon. "You wait here No-" Changing his mind, he said, "I guess you couldn"t. But, ware this-the girl with the tags is legally yours. The rest are ours. Understand?"
Rimon swallowed hard. He"d been counting on the one with the spurs. But patrollers didn"t work for nothing. Once again he set himself to deny himself a kill. "Agreed."
The patrol deployed and charged into the Gen camp, whips cracking. Several Gens were caught and tied at once, but the Gen with Kadi had time to draw his rifle and get off a shot before dragging Kadi toward the horses.
In an instant, three patrollers were after them. Kadi was caught around the waist by a patrol whip and flung into Rimon"s arms while the rest gave chase to the escaping Gens.
With the Gens scattering in every direction, patrollers after them but wary of their rifles, the camp was quickly emptied of all except trussed-up Gens, two dead Gens Rimon hadn"t even seen taken, a dead Sime, and the Gens" captive, still barely alive.
Kadi was clinging to him, gasping for breath. "Rimon!" Her nager was no help to Rimon for the first time he could remember. He wanted a kill. He had to have selyn-now.
The pain of the injured captive a.s.saulted him from one side as Kadi"s strong field irritated him from the other. He thrust her aside-must stop that pain!
Bending over the trap, he released the catch. As the vicious teeth drew free of her flesh, the Sime woman"s selyn loss rate redoubled. She screamed at the pain.
As Rimon lifted her, trying for a grip to snap her neck, she twisted and instinctively grasped at his arms as rapid attrition drained her life. It felt as if his own life were draining away.
He was slammed into hyperconsciousness, the whole world glowing selyn, the patroller"s life pluming away in a burst of brilliance that made him ache with intil, need, attrition And then she was dead, and he was in hardest need, desperate for the kill he knew he could not have.
Sick, dizzy, Rimon folded in on himself, gasping for air. It seemed a long, long time that he crouched there. Then, slowly, there was a warm, golden glow seeping through him, melting his locked muscles, soothing ravaged nerves. Pulse after pulse, brighter and brighter, the brightest Gen nager he"d ever felt, pure, solid, ruddy-gold glory. He went for the core of it without conscious thought as every cell in his body cried out-salvation!
A cracking shock of black fear sent freezing shards through every nerve of Rimon"s body. The tempting field moved away from him and then fled. Must have it. Thrusting aside the lifeless Sime body, he scrambled to his feet.
The field he sought was ahead of him, fleeing madly. In seconds he was closing, dodging trees and rocks, vaulting fallen trunks with the ease of the Sime predator on the hunt. Skidding down a slope, ankle deep in pine needles, the musty smell coming to him in flashes of duoconsciousness, Rimon found a curious portion of his mind standing aside, untouched and remembering.
Once before he"d hunted-once before he"d killed-and once, only once before had he reached true satisfaction.
He was upon the fleeing field. Now, again, at last! Sweet familiar field of love and friendship and hope and life, now under his tentacles. Zeth!
But this time, Zeth-this time you won"t be afraid. It was so good before you were afraid. It didn"t hurt before you were afraid. Stop-Zeth! Stop....
No. Zeth was dead. Long-long ago...
The texture of the nager-the sweet delirious fear-was Gen. Gen-not Sime! Gen!
KADI!.
With the most terrible effort of his life, Rimon shut off that selyn killdraw, choked it down and fought his way duo-conscious even as the imperative of the kill drove him, and saw that he held Kadi, and this time, his aching, dripping laterals lay along her arms as firmly as his lips contacted hers. A trickling of selyn activated the nerve-rich laterals. Despite her wild struggles, Kadi couldn"t break that contact. No Gen could have.
In a time-stretched instant, Rimon stared into a face so distorted by terror that it wasn"t Kadi, but just another Gen. Yet it was Kadi. That nager-unmistakable. All the years he had lived to rest within her nager.
She recognized that he was conscious, and a degree of her panic faded. Warily, she ceased to struggle, her terror turning to frozen resignation. Only then was Rimon able to break lip contact, cutting off that tempting trickle of selyn through his laterals.
Searing pain ripped through him, centered in his chest but lancing out in every direction, causing him to tighten his grip on Kadi"s arms bruisingly. Through gritted teeth, he said, "No! I-will-not-kill-you!"
With the last dregs of his will, he broke lateral contact, aborting his kill in fiendish shen. Pain flashed. From some great distance, he observed his body convulse in agony.
Then there was nothing.
Chapter Four.
THE FIRST DREAM.
He was in pain. Immense, undeniable forces tore at his body. Raw, abused nerves screamed for release. Relentless spasms locked muscle against muscle, forcing him to awareness of every cell of his body, all burning in self-destruction, wasting his life-force out into empty nothingness.
Slowly, the nightmare turned to peaceful dreaming. On some sweet nageric plane, Rimon floated, gently buoyed up by a soothing golden field. Kadi, he recognized, but could not speak to her-his physical body seemed to disappear in her presence, beyond his control or caring. He knew he was dying, his life wasting away, but Kadi had eased the pain -it would be so pleasant just to drift away now to death... no more pain... no more responsibilities. I didn"t kill her. It was all that mattered; in that one act of denial, he had accomplished everything life could possibly ask of him. At last he could rest.
He wanted to speak, just to say good-bye to her, but he had lost contact with his body. Somehow, that didn"t disturb him-what had his body ever been to him but a source of frustration, need, and pain? Kadi was sad, he saw. Don"t be sad, Kadi. We"re both better off this way. But Kadi had her own ideas.
Bemused, Rimon remained pa.s.sive, uncaring, observing what Kadi was doing without understanding it. She was touching him, her hands provoking flickers of pure delight along his lateral sheaths. He should have told her not to touch him there, but it felt too good, and he couldn"t move anyway...
Something surged from Kadi to Rimon-an emotion strangely akin to need, reawakening Rimon"s need-but painlessly. For one instant he fought to remain in his numbed state, but then he felt his laterals lick out of their own volition, meeting Kadi"s high and willing field. Rimon could not stop them, nor could he move his hands or handling tentacles. Somewhere in the back of his mind, the thought flickered that Kadi was in danger, but he couldn"t focus on it.
As if she were the attacking Sime, Kadi moved her hands up on Rimon"s forearms, and he perceived her sensation as his laterals licked at her skin. She grasped him firmly, and that strange feeling in her increased, piercing through his la.s.situde. Suddenly his body came to life. His handling tentacles lashed about her arms.
I"ve got to stop this, Rimon thought with no conviction whatsoever. He forced his eyes open, but saw nothing-of his physical senses, only touch seemed to be operating. But Kadi started, a moment"s fear-for him, not of him and then she pressed her lips to his.
Helplessly, he accepted the life flowing to him. He was not drawing-she was giving to him, filling him. As the flow became faster and faster, immeasurably sweet, he sensed her incredulous surprise at the pleasure-pleasure? -she experienced. Then a surge of power as she drove life into him obliterated all individuality between them so that they became one flowing force suspended in time.
When it was over, Kadi remained for a moment, lying on Rimon, her lips pressed to his. The physical world reclaimed him with a jolt-her weight was real, her lips warm, her hands firm on his arms. When she lifted her head, blue eyes stared into his, flaming hair a nimbus about her awestruck face. In a bare, shivering whisper, Rimon breathed, "Kadi?"
Afraid to believe it, he lifted a hand, barely dared to brush her cheeks with dorsal tentacles. Again he spoke her name, and she smiled-and he felt his own smile emerging from the recesses of his soul, swelling his heart to bursting. In buoyant elation, he touched her with hands and tentacles, all perceptions new. He wanted to zlin her, to make certain she was real and unharmed-but when he tried, it was as if he were a child again, or a Gen, not the briefest flicker of Sime senses at his command. "Kadi-I can"t zlin. Not at all. Is this attrition?"
But he knew before she answered, "You took selyn from me-I know you did. And it didn"t hurt. I wanted to give -everything, even my life."
"But why, Kadi?" What she had done was inconceivable, even though he had experienced it.
She answered his question, but not the real question deep in his heart, "You were dying! Rimon, you shenned yourself-for me. Everything for me. I know you must have defied your father to come after me. You were willing to break the law by releasing me at the border. But I was afraid-a coward Gen, running from you, terrified. When you caught me-you stopped yourself. You shenned yourself, and then the convulsions started. I was afraid this time you"d die-it was worse than I"d ever seen it, and-and I wanted you to live more than anything. I wanted to give"
Her words blurred in his mind. He wanted to ask her how she"d done it-not why. That was important-how? But his grasp on the thought loosened and he drifted away, a.s.sured that they were both alive.
A warm, wet tongue licking his face brought Rimon awake. He opened his eyes to find Wolf greeting him enthusiastically, a bit of broken rope dangling from his neck. He pushed the dog away. "I"m glad to see you, too, boy. But if you don"t mind, I prefer Kadi"s kisses to yours."
"Are you all right?" Kadi asked, and Rimon"s laughter faded as memory-and disbelief-returned.
But he couldn"t help smiling at the sight of her concern. He felt marvelous-reborn. "Am I ever all right!" he chuckled. "We really did it, didn"t we?"
"We did... something," she agreed.
He climbed to his feet, testing his limbs, his balance, and looked around. The horses were tethered to one side of the small clearing, and a fire burned merrily against a rock. While he"d been out, Kadi must have gone for the horses and made camp. I"ll never underestimate her again. But she was still watching him suspiciously.
"Kadi, I feel great. Really. No aches, no pains, no dizziness-and no need. I feel like a kid again."
"You still can"t zlin?"