When an attractive young clinician from Falmouth College asked me if I could explain some of the causes of my own r.e.t.a.r.dation, I told her that Professor Nemur was the man to answer that.

It was the chance he had been waiting for to show his authority, and for the first time since we"d known each other he put his hand on my shoulder. "We don"t know exactly what causes the type of phenylketonuria that Charlie was suffering from as a child-some unusual biochemical or genetic situation, possibly ionizing radiation or natural radiation or even a virus attack on the fetus-whatever it was resulted in a defective gene which produces a, shall we say, "maverick enzyme" that creates defective biochemical reactions. And, of course, newly produced amino acids compete with the normal enzymes causing brain damage."

The girl frowned. She had not expected a lecture, but Nemur had seized the floor and he went on in the same vein. "I call it compet.i.tive inhibition of enzymes. compet.i.tive inhibition of enzymes. Let me give you an example of how it works. Think of the enzyme produced by the defective gene as a Let me give you an example of how it works. Think of the enzyme produced by the defective gene as a wrong key which fits wrong key which fits into the chemical lock of the central nervous system- into the chemical lock of the central nervous system-but won"t turn. Because it"s there, the true key-the right enzyme-can"t even enter the lock. It"s blocked. Result? Irreversible destruction of proteins in the brain tissue." Because it"s there, the true key-the right enzyme-can"t even enter the lock. It"s blocked. Result? Irreversible destruction of proteins in the brain tissue."

"But if it is irreversible," intruded one of the other psychologists who had joined the little audience, "how is it possible that Mr. Gordon here is no longer r.e.t.a.r.ded?"

"Ah!" crowed Nemur, "I said the destruction to the tissue was irreversible, not the process itself. Many researchers have been able to reverse the process through injections of chemicals which combine with the defective enzymes, changing the molecular shape of the interfering key, as it were. This is central to our own technique as well. But first, we remove the damaged portions of the brain and permit the implanted brain tissue which has been chemically revitalized to produce brain proteins at a supernormal rate-"

"Just a minute, Professor Nemur," I said, interrupting him at the height of his peroration. "What about Rahajamati"s work in that field?"

He looked at me blankly. "Who?"

"Rahajamati. His article attacks Tanida"s theory of enzyme fusion-the concept of changing the chemical structure of the enzyme blocking the step in the metabolic pathway."

He frowned. "Where was that article translated?"

"It hasn"t been translated yet. I read it in the Hindu Journal of Psychopathology Hindu Journal of Psychopathology just a few days ago." just a few days ago."

He looked at his audience and tried to shrug it off. "Well, I don"t think we have anything to worry about. Our results speak for themselves."

"But Tanida himself first propounded the theory of blocking the maverick enzyme through combination, and now he points out that-"

"Oh, come now, Charlie. Just because a man is the first to come forth with a theory doesn"t make him the final word on its experimental development. I think everyone here will agree that the research done in the United States and Britain far outshines the work done in India and j.a.pan. We still have the best laboratories and the best equipment in the world."

"But that doesn"t answer Rahajamati"s point that-"

"This is not the time or place to go into that. I"m certain all of these points will be adequately dealt with in tomorrow"s session." He turned to talk to someone about an old college friend, cutting me off completely, and I stood there dumbfounded.

I managed to get Strauss off to one side, and I started questioning him. "All right, now. You"ve been telling me I"m too sensitive to him. What did I say that upset him that way?"

"You"re making him feel inferior and he can"t take it."

"I"m serious, for G.o.d"s sake. Tell me the truth."

"Charlie, you"ve got to stop thinking that everyone is laughing at you. Nemur couldn"t discuss those articles because he hasn"t read them. He can"t read those languages."

"Not read Hindi and j.a.panese? Oh, come on now."

"Charlie, not everyone has your gift for languages."

"But then how can he refute Rahajamati"s attack on this method, and Tanida"s challenge to the validity of this kind of control? He must know about those-"

"No...," said Strauss thoughtfully. "Those papers must be recent. There hasn"t been time to get translations made."

"You mean you haven"t read them either?"

He shrugged. "I"m an even worse linguist than he is. But I"m certain before the final reports are turned in, all the journals will be combed for additional data."

I didn"t know what to say. To hear him admit that both of them were ignorant of whole areas in their own fields was terrifying. "What languages do you know?" I asked him.

"French, German, Spanish, Italian, and enough Swedish to get along."

"No Russian, Chinese, Portuguese?"

He reminded me that as a practicing psychiatrist and neurosurgeon he had very little time for languages. And the only ancient languages that he could read were Latin and Greek. Nothing of the ancient Oriental tongues.

I could see he wanted to end the discussion at that point, but somehow I couldn"t let go. I had to find out just how much he knew.

I found out.

Physics: nothing beyond the quantum theory of fields. Geology: nothing about geomorphology or stratigraphy or even petrology. Nothing about the micro- or macro-economic theory. Little in mathematics beyond the elementary level of calculus of variations, and nothing at all about Banach algebra or Riemannian manifolds. It was the first inkling of the revelations that were in store for me this weekend.

I couldn"t stay at the party. I slipped away to walk and think this out. Frauds-both of them. They had pretended to be geniuses. But they were just ordinary men working blindly, pretending to be able to bring light into the darkness. Why is it that everyone lies? No one I know is what he appears to be. As I turned the corner I caught a glimpse of Burt coming after me.

"What"s the matter?" I said as he caught up to me. "Are you following me?"

He shrugged and laughed uncomfortably. "Exhibit A, A, star of the show. Can"t have you run down by one of these motorized Chicago cowboys or mugged and rolled on State Street?" star of the show. Can"t have you run down by one of these motorized Chicago cowboys or mugged and rolled on State Street?"

"I don"t like being kept in custody."

He avoided my gaze as he walked beside me, his hands deep in his pockets. "Take it easy, Charlie. The old man is on edge. This convention means a lot to him. His reputation is at stake."

"I didn"t know you were so close to him," I taunted, recalling all the times Burt had complained about the professor"s narrowness and pushing.

"I"m not close to him." He looked at me defiantly. "But he"s put his whole life into this. He"s no Freud or Jung or Pavlov or Watson, but he"s doing something important and I respect his dedication-maybe even more because he"s just an ordinary man trying to do a great man"s work, while the great men are all busy making bombs."

"I"d like to hear you call him ordinary to his face."

"It doesn"t matter what he thinks of himself. Sure he"s egotistic, so what? It takes that kind of ego to make a man attempt a thing like this. I"ve seen enough of men like him to know that mixed in with that pompousness and self-a.s.sertion is a G.o.dd.a.m.ned good measure of uncertainty and fear."

"And phoniness and shallowness," I added. "I see them now as they really are, phonies. I suspected it of Nemur. He always seemed frightened of something. But Strauss surprised me."

Burt paused and let out a long stream of breath. We turned into a luncheonette for coffee, and I didn"t see his face, but the sound revealed his exasperation.

"You think I"m wrong?"

"Just that you"ve come a long way kind of fast," he said. "You"ve got a superb mind now, intelligence that can"t really be calculated, more knowledge absorbed by now than most people pick up in a long lifetime. But you"re lopsided. You know things. You see things. But you haven"t developed understanding, or-I have to use the word-tolerance. You call them phonies, but when did either of them ever claim to be perfect, or superhuman? They"re ordinary people. You"re the genius."

He broke off awkwardly, suddenly aware that he was preaching at me.

"Go ahead."

"Ever meet Nemur"s wife?"

"No."

"If you want to understand why he"s under tension all the time, even when things are going well at the lab and in his lectures, you"ve got to know Bertha Nemur. Did you know she"s got him his professorship? Did you know she used her father"s influence to get him the Welberg Foundation grant? Well, now she"s pushed him into this premature presentation at the convention. Until you"ve had a woman like her riding you, don"t think you can understand the man who has."

I didn"t say anything, and I could see he wanted to get back to the hotel. All the way back we were silent.

Am I a genius? I don"t think so. Not yet anyway. As Burt would put it, mocking the euphemisms of educational jargon, I"m exceptional exceptional-a democratic term used to avoid the d.a.m.ning labels of gifted gifted and and deprived deprived (which used to mean (which used to mean bright bright and and r.e.t.a.r.ded r.e.t.a.r.ded) and as soon as exceptional exceptional begins to mean anything to anyone they"ll change it. The idea seems to be: use an expression only as long as it doesn"t mean anything to anybody. begins to mean anything to anyone they"ll change it. The idea seems to be: use an expression only as long as it doesn"t mean anything to anybody. Exceptional Exceptional refers to both ends of the spectrum, so all my life I"ve been exceptional. refers to both ends of the spectrum, so all my life I"ve been exceptional.

Strange about learning; the farther I go the more I see that I never knew even existed. A short while ago I foolishly thought I could learn everything-all the knowledge in the world. Now I hope only to be able to know of its existence, and to understand one grain of it.

Is there time?

Burt is annoyed with me. He finds me impatient and the others must feel the same. But they hold me back and try to keep me in my place. What is my place? Who and what am I now? Am I the sum of my life or only of the past months? Oh, how impatient they get when I try to discuss it with them. They don"t like to admit that they don"t know. It"s paradoxical that an ordinary man like Nemur presumes to devote himself to making other people geniuses. He would like to be thought of as the discoverer of new laws of learning-the Einstein of psychology. And he has the teacher"s fear of being surpa.s.sed by the student, the master"s dread of having the disciple discredit his work. (Not that I am in any real sense Nemur"s student or disciple as Burt is.) I guess Nemur"s fear of being revealed as a man walking on stilts among giants is understandable. Failure at this point would destroy him. He is too old to start all over again.

As shocking as it is to discover the truth about men I had respected and looked up to, I guess Burt is right. I must not be too impatient with them. Their ideas and brilliant work made the experiment possible. I"ve got to guard against the natural tendency to look down on them now that I have surpa.s.sed them.

I"ve got to realize that when they continually admonish me to speak and write simply so that people who read these reports will be able to understand me, they are talking about themselves as well. But still it"s frightening to realize that my fate is in the hands of men who are not the giants I once thought them to be, men who don"t know all the answers.

June 13-I"m dictating this under great emotional strain. I"ve walked out on the whole thing. I"m on a plane headed back to New York alone, and I have no idea what I"m going to do when I get there.

At first, I admit, I was in awe at the picture of an international convention of scientists and scholars, gathered for an exchange of ideas. Here, I thought, was where it all really happened. Here it would be different from the sterile college discussions, because these were the men on the highest levels of psychological research and education, the scientists who wrote the books and delivered the lectures, the authorities people quoted. If Nemur and Strauss were ordinary men working beyond their abilities, I felt sure it would be different with the others.

When it was time for the meeting, Nemur steered us through the gigantic lobby with its heavy baroque furnishings and huge curving marble staircases, and we moved through the thickening knots of handshakers, nodders, and smilers. Two other professors from Beekman who had arrived in Chicago just this morning joined us. Professors White and Clinger walked a little to the right and a step or two behind Nemur and Strauss, while Burt and I brought up the rear.

Standees parted to make a path for us into the Grand Ballroom, and Nemur waved to the reporters and photographers who had come to hear at first hand about the startling things that had been done with a r.e.t.a.r.date adult in just a little over three months.

Nemur had obviously sent out advance publicity releases.

Some of the psychological papers delivered at the meeting were impressive. A group from Alaska showed how stimulation of various portions of the brain caused a significant development in learning ability, and a group from New Zealand had mapped out those portions of the brain that controlled perception and retention of stimuli.

But there were other kinds of papers too-P. T. Zellerman"s study on the difference in the length of time it took white rats to learn a maze when the corners were curved rather than angular, or Worfel"s paper on the effect of intelligence level on the reaction-time of rhesus monkeys.

Papers like these made me angry. Money, time, and energy squandered on the detailed a.n.a.lysis of the trivial. Burt was right when he praised Nemur and Strauss for devoting themselves to something important and uncertain rather than to something insignificant and safe.

If only Nemur would look at me as a human being.

After the chairman announced the presentation from Beekman University, we took our seats on the platform behind the long table-Algernon in his cage between Burt and me. We were the main attraction of the evening, and when we were settled, the chairman began his introduction. I half expected to hear him boom out: Laideezzz and gentulmennnnnn. Step right this way and see the side show! An act never before seen in the scientific world! A mouse and a moron turned into geniuses before your very eyes! Laideezzz and gentulmennnnnn. Step right this way and see the side show! An act never before seen in the scientific world! A mouse and a moron turned into geniuses before your very eyes!

I admit I had come here with a chip on my shoulder.

All he said was: "The next presentation really needs no introduction. We have all heard about the startling work being done at Beekman University, sponsored by the Wel-berg Foundation grants, under the direction of the chairman of the psychology department, Professor Nemur, in co-operation with Dr. Strauss of the Beekman Neuropsychiatric Center. Needless to say, this is a report we have all been looking forward to with great interest. I turn the meeting over to Professor Nemur and Dr. Strauss."

Nemur nodded graciously at the chairman"s introductory praise and winked at Strauss in the triumph of the moment.

The first speaker from Beekman was Professor Clinger.

I was becoming irritated, and I could see that Algernon, upset by the smoke, the buzzing, the unaccustomed surroundings, was moving around in his cage nervously. I had the strangest compulsion to open his cage and let him out. It was an absurd thought-more of an itch than a thought-and I tried to ignore it. But as I listened to Professor Clinger"s stereotyped paper on "The effects of left-handed goal boxes in a T-maze versus right-handed goal boxes in a T-maze," I found myself toying with the release-lock mechanism of Algernon"s cage.

In a short while (before Strauss and Nemur would unveil their crowning achievement) Burt would read a paper describing the procedures and results of administering intelligence and learning tests he had devised for Algernon. This would be followed by a demonstration as Algernon was put through his paces of solving a problem in order to get his meal (something I have never stopped resenting!).

Not that I had anything against Burt. He had always been straightforward with me-more so than most of the others-but when he described the white mouse who had been given intelligence, he was as pompous and artificial as the others. As if he were trying on the mantle of his teachers. I restrained myself at that point more out of friendship for Burt than anything else. Letting Algernon out of his cage would throw the meeting into chaos, and after all this was Burt"s debut into the rat-race of academic preferment.

I had my finger on the cage door release, and as Algernon watched the movement of my hand with his pink-candy eyes, I"m certain he knew what I had in mind. At that moment Burt took the cage for his demonstration. He explained the complexity of the shifting lock, and the problem-solving required each time the lock was to be opened. (Thin plastic bolts fell into place in varying patterns and had to be controlled by the mouse, who depressed a series of levers in the same order.) As Algernon"s intelligence increased, his problem-solving speed increased-that much was obvious. But then Burt revealed one thing I had not not known. known.

At the peak of his intelligence, Algernon"s performance had become variable. There were times, according to Burt"s report, when Algernon refused to work at all-even when apparently hungry-and other times when he would solve the problem but, instead of taking his food reward, would hurl himself against the walls of his cage.

When someone from the audience asked Burt if he was suggesting that this erratic behavior was directly caused by increased intelligence, Burt ducked the question. "As far as I am concerned," he said, "there"s not enough evidence to warrant that conclusion. There are other possibilities. It is possible that both the increased intelligence and the erratic behavior at this level were created by the original surgery, instead of one being a function of the other. It"s also possible that this erratic behavior is unique to Algernon. We didn"t find it in any of the other mice, but then none of the others achieved as high a level of intelligence nor maintained it for as long as Algernon has."

I realized immediately that this information had been withheld from me. I suspected the reason, and I was annoyed, but that was nothing to the anger I felt when they brought out the films.

I had never known that my early performances and tests in the laboratory were filmed. There I was, at the table beside Burt, confused and open-mouthed as I tried to run the maze with the electric stylus. Each time I received a shock, my expression changed to an absurd wide-eyed stare, and then that foolish smile again. Each time it happened the audience roared. Race after race, it was repeated, and each time they found it funnier than before.

I told myself they were not gawking curiosity seekers, but scientists here in search of knowledge. They couldn"t help finding these pictures funny-but still, as Burt caught the spirit and made amusing comments on the films, I was overcome with a sense of mischief. It would be even funnier to see Algernon escape from his cage, and to see all these people scattering and crawling around on their hands and knees trying to retrieve a small, white, scurrying genius.

But I controlled myself, and by the time Strauss took the podium the impulse had pa.s.sed.

Strauss dealt largely with the theory and techniques of neurosurgery, describing in detail how pioneer studies on the mapping of hormone control centers enabled him to isolate and stimulate these centers while at the same time removing the hormone-inhibitor producing portion of the cortex. He explained the enzyme-block theory and went on to describe my physical condition before and after surgery. Photographs (I didn"t know they had been taken) were pa.s.sed around and commented on, and I could see by the nods and smiles that most people there agreed with him that the "dull, vacuous facial expression" had been transformed into an "alert, intelligent appearance." He also discussed in detail the pertinent aspects of our therapy sessions-especially my changing att.i.tudes toward free a.s.sociation on the couch.

I had come there as part of a scientific presentation, and I had expected to be put on exhibition, but everyone kept talking about me as if I were some kind of newly created thing they were presenting to the scientific world. No one in this room considered me an individual-a human being. The constant juxtaposition of "Algernon and Charlie," and "Charlie and Algernon," made it clear that they thought of both of us as a couple of experimental animals who had no existence outside the laboratory. But, aside from my anger, I couldn"t get it out of my mind that something was wrong.

Finally, it was Nemur"s turn to speak-to sum it all up as the head of the project-to take the spotlight as the author of a brilliant experiment. This was the day he had been waiting for.

He was impressive as he stood up there on the platform, and, as he spoke, I found myself nodding with him, agreeing with things I knew to be true. The testing, the experiment, the surgery, and my subsequent mental development were described at length, and his talk was enlivened by quotations from my progress reports. More than once I found myself hearing something personal or foolish read to this audience. Thank G.o.d I had been careful to keep most of the details about Alice and myself in my private file.

Then, at one point in his summary, he said it: "We who have worked on this project at Beekman University have the satisfaction of knowing we have taken one of nature"s mistakes and by our new techniques created a superior human being. When Charlie came to us he was outside of society, alone in a great city without friends or relatives to care about him, without the mental equipment to live a normal life. No past, no contact with the present, no hope for the future. It might be said that Charlie Gordon did not really exist before this experiment.... "

I don"t know why I resented it so intensely to have them think of me as something newly minted in their private treasury, but it was-I am certain-echoes of that idea that had been sounding in the chambers of my mind from the time we had arrived in Chicago. I wanted to get up and show everyone what a fool he was, to shout at him: I"m a human being, a person-with parents and memories and a history-and I was before you ever wheeled me into that operating room! I"m a human being, a person-with parents and memories and a history-and I was before you ever wheeled me into that operating room!

At the same time deep in the heat of my anger there was forged an overwhelming insight into the thing that had disturbed me when Strauss spoke and again when Nemur amplified his data. They had made a mistake-of course! The statistical evaluation of the waiting period necessary to prove the permanence of the change had been based on earlier experiments in the field of mental development and learning, on waiting periods with normally dull or normally intelligent animals. But it was obvious that the waiting period would have to be extended in those cases where an animal"s intelligence had been increased two or three times.

Nemur"s conclusions had been premature. For both Algernon and myself, it would take more time to see if this change would stick. The professors had made a mistake, and no one else had caught it. I wanted to jump up and tell them, but I couldn"t move. Like Algernon, I found myself behind the mesh of the cage they had built around me.

Now there would be a question period, and before I would be allowed to have my dinner, I would be required to perform before this distinguished gathering. No. I had to get out of there.

"...In one sense, he was the result of modern psychological experimentation. In place of a feeble-minded sh.e.l.l, a burden on the society that must fear his irresponsible behavior, we have a man of dignity and sensitivity, ready to take his place as a contributing member of society. I should like you all to hear a few words from Charlie Gordon..."

G.o.d d.a.m.n him. He didn"t know what he was talking about. At that point, the compulsion overwhelmed me. I watched in fascination as my hand moved, independent of my will, to pull down the latch of Algernon"s cage. As I opened it he looked up at me and paused. Then he turned, darted out of his cage, and scampered across the long table.

At first, he was lost against the damask tablecloth, a blur of white on white, until a woman at the table screamed, knocking her chair backwards as she leaped to her feet. Beyond her, pitchers of water overturned, and then Burt shouted. "Algernon"s loose!" Algernon jumped down from the table, onto the platform and then to the floor.

"Get him! Get him!" Nemur screeched as the audience, divided in its aims, became a tangle of arms and legs. Some of the women (non-experimentalists?) tried to stand on the unstable folding chairs while others, trying to help corner Algernon, knocked them over.

"Close those back doors!" shouted Burt, who realized Algernon was smart enough to head in that direction.

"Run," I heard myself shout. "The side door!"

"He"s gone out the side door," someone echoed.