Keep the Guy.
17.
How to Be the Woman of His Dreams.
I cringe whenever I receive e-mails from women who say, "Hey Matt, I"ve loved following your advice for the last six months but I"m unsubscribing to your e-mails now. I"ve found a boyfriend. Thanks for everything!"
While I am always appreciative of the expressed grat.i.tude, I always feel like the sender has missed the point. To see getting into a relationship as the endgame is to have bought into the old Hollywood ending. The couple finally gets together; they kiss; they marry; the romantic music swells to a crescendo; the credits roll. And they live happily ever after.
In real life, nothing of the sort happens. Your relationship, if it is to last, needs tending to keep growing. You"ve got the guy, now you need to figure out whether you want to keep him. If you do decide you want a lasting relationship, how do you increase the possibility that it will continue in a fulfilling way?
Many of the principles that we have learned up to this point are still relevant when it comes to nurturing and building a relationship for long-lasting love. When you believe you are with The One, it is not a time to sit back and become complacent. All that is good in your life needs continuous nurturing: your body, your profession, your friendships, your familial connections, and yes, your love life. In this case, the nurturing flows in both directions. You need to be sure you are getting what you need from him, and he needs to feel that what he is getting from you could come from no other.
The Five Things That Make a Guy Wild for His Woman In this next section, I am going to reveal a guy"s deepest needs. It may seem like the work is one-sided. But remember, in my coaching of guys, I give them plenty of work to do as well. So bear with me on this. A careful read will help you understand the very simple but atavistic triggers you can tap in a man"s psyche to become the woman he will want forever.
He needs s.e.xual validation We"ve seen in chapter 13 the degree to which a guy"s self-esteem is linked to the validation he receives from s.e.x. Whether you"re on your tenth date or in your tenth year of the relationship, a guy never ever outgrows his need to feel worthy s.e.xually. This isn"t just about the two of you having s.e.x, but about him feeling like he"s able to turn you on.
His sense of worth as a man is inextricably linked to how much you desire him s.e.xually. He needs to feel as though he"s everything you ever needed in that arena. While he may be able to acknowledge that there are men more physically attractive than he, guys with six-pack abs or with more striking eyes, he needs to know that you derive complete s.e.xual satisfaction from him. No matter how emotionally close a guy feels to you, he will always possess that crucial need. And this becomes even more important in a relationship.
Of course women also want to have a pa.s.sionate, fulfilling s.e.x life, and they need to feel s.e.xually desired. These needs aren"t gender specific. But it"s important to grasp the profound degree to which feeling masculine is intricately linked to a guy"s ability to turn you on. You have a frightening power at your disposal, because this never stops being important to us. If he feels s.e.xually unworthy, he feels unworthy as a man, which he grows to resent.
One of the big mistakes women sometimes make is failing to show the same s.e.xual validation they displayed in the early stages of the relationship. They stop telling him how s.e.xy he looks, or how much they love his body, or how attracted they are to him. He needs to see that he keeps turning you on, over time. Our culture often paints a picture of a woman"s need to be physically validated, but the truth is, men are often more needy than women are in this arena. When you show him you"re interested in him s.e.xually, you"re also informing his behavior and making him more the kind of man you want him to be.
Fortunately, s.e.xually validating your guy isn"t difficult. It"s actually easy-perhaps too easy. Alarmingly easy. The technique I"m about to tell you about is powerful beyond measure. You must take a solemn vow never to use it for evil.
I wrestled with whether to include what follows. Women have no idea how much power resides in the words they use. If you want to start affecting his behavior this very minute, consider what you say. Men are completely powerless in the face of phrases like: "I can"t resist it when you . . ."
"It really turns me on when you . . ."
"G.o.d, you are so s.e.xy when you . . ."
For example, if you want him to satisfy you s.e.xually, you have to tell him when he"s getting it right. Tell him, "It really turns me on when you do that." Or "I can"t resist you when you . . ." If something he does pleases you in bed, for G.o.d"s sake, moan louder! Make sure he registers that he"s pleasing you. You must believe me: if a man hears that something he does turns you on, he will never, ever forget it. A guy cherishes moments like these and holds them in his heart forever. If you simply tell him, "I can"t resist you in that shirt" or "It really turns me on when you kiss me that way," expect to see that shirt a lot and always be kissed that way.
The genius of this is that you get to tell your guy exactly what you like, and he"ll want to do it as often as possible. And the biggest secret of all is that this technique works even when your comments are unrelated to s.e.x. If you tell a guy that his strong biceps really turn you on, he"ll do fifty pull-ups before you come over next time. This is not an exaggeration. If you say, "It really turns me on when you surprise me," you can expect to be surprised more often than you may like! I remember a friend being told by his girlfriend that she was really turned on by the idea of him buying her underwear, and suddenly that was the only thing he could think of to buy for her birthday and Christmas presents.
I"m genuinely reluctant to be giving this knowledge away. I have a recurring nightmare where I see tribes of men washing your cars, polishing your apartment floors, cleaning your shoes, all because you"ve told them how much seeing them do those things turns you on.
He needs someone who recognizes his uniqueness Every man is looking for the woman who sees him as different from every other man in the world. He wants to feel that there are special things about him that you admire, that no other man can give you. He needs to feel that he has been chosen for a specific reason. The powerful corollary here is that a man will not want to lose the woman who knows him and appreciates him in way that is essential to the way he sees himself. If he does lose that woman, he doesn"t only lose her, he loses the way she sees him and how he likes to see himself.
A man who is accomplished wants to be adored for the traits that got him there, as opposed to the external results of his hard work. Plenty of people are attracted to his money, status, and power, so being admired for those things doesn"t make him feel special. The woman who isn"t unduly impressed by his achievements but who understands the strength of his character is the one he desires. He needs to feel that if he lost everything, the woman he"s with would still choose him over every other man on earth.
When you praise your boyfriend or partner, be as specific as possible. I remember being on the phone with a girlfriend once when I was standing by a lake. I told her how from where I was standing I could see some baby ducks paddling around and that I wished she could see how cute they were, to which she said, "I love that about you, Matt. You"re this strong masculine guy but you also have this really sweet gentle side that comes out now and then." I was immensely flattered. If she had just said, "Aww, you"re sweet," it wouldn"t have had the same impact because it sounds like a generic response. Because she made it specific about something in my personality she admired, it became a compliment that I never forgot.
Men are more sentimental about this than women realize. If he feels that you have never met a man like him, he feels special around you on a level you can"t imagine.
And because he feels special around you, you become special to him.
There"s a scene in Casino Royale in which, after James Bond is recovering from having been beaten up, tortured, and nearly killed, Vesper Lynd confesses her admiration for his bravery by saying, "If the only thing left of you was your smile and your little finger, you"d still be more of a man than anyone I"ve ever known."
This kind of admiration is important, because it makes a guy feel as if you get him on a level that no one else could. I"m not advising you to go in for senseless flattery or ego stroking. Your admiration has to be genuine. This is about connecting with your partner and showing him that you truly understand him. That genuine connection puts you in a category above anyone else in his life.
He needs a loyal teammate The best couples are a team, two people who are on each other"s side and want the best for one another. Often we hear the word "loyalty" and a.s.sume it means s.e.xual fidelity, but this consistent, reliable having-the-other"s-back behavior encompa.s.ses a loyalty deeper than monogamy alone.
It goes without saying that this quality needs to be reciprocated equally by both sides. Loyalty is about supporting the other person"s goals, unselfishly. It"s about willing him to succeed, living in the enjoyment of his fulfilling his dreams, even when some of those dreams may be personal. The mindset behind this kind of loyalty is simple: if it affects one of us, it affects both of us.
Be loyal to him when you"re with his friends. Be loyal to him in anyone else"s company, for that matter. Men are perhaps more sensitive than women about this. If you put him down in other people"s company, don"t back him up in public, or show doubt in his ability to do something, it sends an unmistakable message that says, "I don"t really value you as a man."
He wants someone who will stand by him. Take care not to jump on a bandwagon when people are making jokes at his expense. His pals can get away with it, but be wary of joining in. He needs his partner to resist and to root for him, even when it"s only a matter of playfully coming to his defense. When you show in that moment that you"re on his side, it makes him appreciate you even more.
To be a loyal partner doesn"t require that you agree with him, but it does require you to make an effort to see his point of view and refuse to do anything that might undermine his confidence.
The most successful couples enhance each other"s lives and help each other to be better. They don"t compete or get in each other"s way. As a team, you feel that you are better together than you might be apart.
He needs to protect and provide The masculine nature needs to provide and protect. This includes the need to protect himself as well as others. Men are generally taught from an early age to protect themselves against emotional vulnerability; in the event they have to go out into the world and conquer fearsome things, they need to be able to focus on the task at hand. There"s no place for emotion in this; indeed, being in the thrall of deep feelings may prevent them from protecting and providing.
When a boy cries, he"s often told to stop crying. He"s told that he has to hold it together, to be strong. At school, he"s taught not to show his feelings in front of other males. If a guy gets upset in school, he doesn"t look to other guys to take care of him. He"s taught instead to hide it. Thus, guys make their way through the world holding in their emotions, not expressing them. I am not judging whether this is the most emotionally progressive or healthy way to live, but the fact remains that these are the tenets of male development and nurturing. It pays to heed the facts. Most important, men feel most themselves when they"re containing their feelings in the service of protecting and providing.
In the wake of modern feminism this idea might seem outdated, and in the traditional sense it might be. Generations ago men fulfilled their need to protect and provide by making the money. Indeed, that"s all a lot of them did. But in the twenty-first century, women make significant or greater contributions to household finances, so guys do have to step up their game. Simply bringing home a paycheck, slapping it on the counter, then popping open a beer and sitting on the couch won"t cut it anymore. (Frightening that it ever did, but that"s for another book.) A man needs to feel he"s providing something for you. He needs to feel on some level that he serves a purpose in your life and is giving you something you couldn"t get from anyone else.
Being a strong and independent girlfriend or wife is not what emasculates a man. Indeed, your being independent is part of what makes you a high-value woman. It"s part of why he"s attracted to you. But if he hears you say something like "I don"t need a man for anything. I can do it all myself," he naturally wonders what"s the point of being in a relationship with you. If you have no needs and require nothing of him, then he questions his purpose.
A man feels emasculated when he feels like he"s dispensable in your life and that you could happily go on without him. He needs to be your man who can be there for you.
I was reminded of how difficult the situation can be for both men and women while watching an old Woody Allen film, Hannah and Her Sisters. Elliot and Hannah are arguing about how little he feels she needs him. He says, "I need someone I can matter to. It"s hard to be around someone who gives so much and needs so little in return." She replies that she does have needs, but he says, frustrated, "Well, I can"t see them!"
Hannah is a wealthy, successful actress and works hard to always make sure everyone is happy. She gives so much to everyone around her, but her husband, Elliot, is lost in the relationship. He doesn"t feel he has any place. He needs someone to whom he matters. The tragedy is that Hannah does indeed have needs, but they"re invisible to Elliot. She never shows any need; she never shows her husband what she gets from him. And because of this lack of communication, he feels useless in the relationship.
There is no contradiction between being a strong woman and needing a man. I don"t want you to confuse this with neediness, which is a form of desperation. When you"re in a relationship, your guy needs to feel needed.
Even if you"re not the breadwinner, chances are you also work. Allowing him to help sh.o.r.e you up after a bad day is a form of allowing him to protect and provide. When you"ve had a bad day, share it with him. You may think you"re saving him from the boring details of the office by saying, "I just had a bad day, don"t worry," but the effect is to shut him out, preventing him from saying something that might help.
Another way of communicating your need for his help is by simply letting him know you"ve had a lousy day. Saying, "Work really sucked today. I really need to just be close to you tonight and cuddle," permits him to be there for you. It allows him to feel as if he"s the only one who could comfort you.
No matter how far along we have come to closing the gender gap economically, socially, and culturally, deep down inside he feels he needs to take care of you. If you don"t find some way of making him feel like you need him, his sense of self-worth begins to erode.
The good news is that letting your guy know how important he is to you isn"t difficult or demanding. A kiss and a hug while saying "I missed you so much today" or "I wanted to get home to you so badly" works wonders.
He needs to be nurtured and supported When a guy enters a relationship he needs to feel as if his partner is the best supporter he"s ever had. He needs to feel like you are cheering him on, supporting his ambition, being completely behind him.
What"s the greatest way to nurture a guy? Believe in him. If you believe in him, a guy is going to want to be around you for a long time. A woman who believes in our vision, what we"re capable of, and who we are as a man is someone who gives us strength that no one else can. We want to hold on to that. If you tell him, "If anyone can do it, you can," you are the most special thing to him in the world.
We all have self-doubt sometimes, but when he has those moments and you show him that you completely believe in his potential, he"ll strive so much harder because of that support. Seeing him as able to be better than he is creates a positive feedback loop. You will get the best of him when you bolster him.
This does not mean you are living for his potential. You"re happy with him now; he already meets your standards. But he needs to see that you believe in his ability to get what he wants and fulfill the potential that he sees for himself. It"s giving him something to aspire to. The worst thing for a guy is feeling that he has this big project but that his partner either (a) doesn"t back him or (b) doesn"t even pay attention to it. He wants you to be interested and support the things he cares about. He wants you to be excited about the vision he"s excited about for himself.
I realize that advising you to show a man you need him, to nurture and support him, and to allow him to protect and provide for you may seem to fly in the face of everything that"s come before. You may be wondering how can it be that as a high-value woman you"re both certain and independent, and not reliant on a man to be fulfilled, yet also need to show your man that you need him. The primary difference is that now we"re talking about keeping the guy, about the necessity of showing vulnerability in order to connect and share love. All of us, even the most centered, strong-willed, and positive among us, have moments when we feel vulnerable or have needs that run so deep, we barely know that they are there. The beauty of a committed relationship is that it allows you to share those feelings and by doing so, strengthen the bonds you have with one another.
Every man in the world is looking for the woman who needs him but isn"t dependent upon him; who is s.e.xual but is more than just a seductress; who is kind and generous but not validation seeking; who is loyal and supports his growth but doesn"t tell him how to live; who fights for her man but is not jealous; who is independent but makes him feel like the most important person in her life; who kicks a.s.s out there in the world but lets herself be vulnerable and gentle with him.
This may seem like asking for a lot, but it all circles back to you as the woman of high value you already are. Only now you are creating a lasting bond by digging deeper to connect the male psyche with the very qualities you embody.
18.
Is He Mr. Right?
Now that you have him and you have become the woman of his dreams, how do you know if this guy is right for you? If it"s six days, six months, or six years down the line, how do you know he"s worth your continued time, effort, and love?
In earlier chapters I discussed the importance of setting standards and of not wasting a single moment on a guy who didn"t meet them. This ritual alone will help weed out the guys who are wrong for you, probably within the first two weeks of knowing them. One of the toughest things to do during the getting the guy and keeping the guy stages is to refuse to get wrapped up in a romance unless the guy genuinely deserves it. Sometimes, we want to be in a relationship so badly that we settle, even in the very early stages.
We ignore obvious problems because we want to be swept off our feet. But inevitably, these difficulties come back to haunt us. When a long-term relationship ends, if we search our hearts and are honest with ourselves, we may realize that we ignored the warning signs because we were hoping against hope that we"d found our soul mate. Remember that people are always showing you who they are.
A woman friend told me not long ago about her breakup. After two years, she broke up with her boyfriend because he was constantly going out and getting drunk with his buddies. When she was telling me the story, she spoke in a way that suggested she never saw it coming.
I asked her what they did on their first few dates, and she told me that they"d had a great time going out and getting drunk. When I suggested the connection between her early dates with the guy and his current behavior, she was floored. Sometimes the signs are subtle, but we must learn to read and evaluate them. If something bothers us early on, we need to heed our instincts or risk finding ourselves far down the road with someone who doesn"t deserve our love, support, attention, and fidelity. A wise friend once said, "A relationship often ends the same way that it begins."
How to Know If He"s for You We can never be 100 percent sure how any relationship will turn out. Part of what makes us delirious about love is that mystery. You don"t know what will happen. Of course, that is true in all of life. However, we"ve spent time building up a knowledge base to put you in a position to find and keep a great love of your life. Now we get to put some of that to use by asking some hard questions about whether he is worthy of your delirious love. Here is what you need to be certain about.
He prioritizes the values you also think are important What is most important to you in life? Is it a sense of adventure? Is it ambition? Is it kindness? Family? Generosity? Security?
It"s vital to find someone who not only shares your values but also ranks them in a similar order of importance.
Let"s say you meet a nice guy and during the first few weeks of your dating life you tell him that family is important to you. You say your family means a lot to you, and he agrees, and it seems as if you share something important. It"s wonderful! You don"t press him on the matter, and all is well until you"ve been dating for a few months and you want him to come to Sunday night dinner at your parents" house, but he doesn"t want to. He sees his own family only on the holidays. Now there"s conflict. He doesn"t understand why you need so much family togetherness, and you think that either he misled you, he doesn"t care about family, or he just doesn"t like your family. He might well care, but just not as much as you do. This difference in priority was never forced into the light during your courtship.
If his priority list of values puts, say, career, adventure, and intimacy before family, he"s always going to put work, travel, and being with you above being closer to your family. Meanwhile, on your list, family might be number one and career number four. If this is the case, every time the issue of spending time with family arises, there"s likely to be a conflict.
Often while we"re getting to know someone we find ourselves attracted to one value they manifest, without stopping to consider others that are equally important to us. We might be so blinded by that one quality that we even go so far as to imagine that this person has others we"ve yet to see displayed. A woman might fall for a man because he values ambition, and she finds that s.e.xy, but later, as she gets to know him better, she realizes that he doesn"t value connection and intimacy nearly as much as she would like. The result is that his ambition keeps him working all the time, while his relatively low ranking of connection on his own list of values contributes to her feeling unloved and neglected.
You may be thinking, but what about the theory that opposites attract? We"ve all known couples where she was outgoing and he was reserved, or he was gregarious and she was quiet. These are personality traits, not values. Despite their different styles, both people need to value the same things to more or less the same degree.
It"s not just his values, it"s his standards This one takes some explaining.
Think of it this way: for every one of your values, be it adventure, intelligence, or generosity, you have a standard for how intensely you pursue that value.
Two people could both value adventure, but this doesn"t mean they both have the same standards when it comes to being adventurous. One person"s idea of adventure might be climbing Mount Kilimanjaro, while their partner"s is trying a new restaurant. They share the same core value, but their standard for adventure is different.
To make things more complicated, someone can claim that a value is important to him but not necessarily live by it.
Let me give you a scenario: A man regularly insults his wife. Her friends and family can"t understand why she takes it, why she doesn"t just leave. How could she stay with someone who treats her with such disrespect? But what we miss is that every once in a while he does something incredibly sweet and kind-he kisses her affectionately, apologizes profusely, commits an act of generosity meant to tilt the balance for the good. In those moments he will claim that the unkind person is not who he really is, that underneath it all he is just a man who loves her and never wants to hurt her. It is some inner demon, he claims, that causes him to behave badly. Let"s be clear, he may fully mean these words when he says them. However, what matters is the average of his actions, not the average of his words.
The woman in this example will see the small glimpses of kindness-a value that she happens to rate highly-and use them to convince herself that he is indeed the man she wants, despite his abuse. So she stays, in the hope that she can bring this sweet and loving man out more so that the abuse will stop. If she is good enough, he will treat her well always.
Though it sounds crazy, he and she can actually have the same value of kindness. But one of them is living this value on a daily basis and the other one is not. It"s like when someone says, "I"m a really loving person," but you never really see evidence of it. What they are really saying is that "being loving" is a value they aspire to, but that"s not the same as living it.
Have you ever dated a guy who talks about how ambitious he is and all of his dreams but never steps outside his comfort zone, or never actually puts in the effort to work for what he claims he wants? He may blame his lack of success on external factors, never fully taking responsibility for his stasis. He may well wish he had ambition and was working on his dream, but that is not the same as actually living it.
Here"s why this concept is so relevant to our happiness moving forward: even if you"ve discussed your core values with a guy, and he agreed with you when it came to those that were most important, unless you see him demonstrating his values in the way he lives, it doesn"t matter that he gives them lip service. Our relationship choices must be based on the man"s current standards. Fall in love with the man in front of you, not his potential.
Does that mean that people don"t grow or change? Of course not. I do what I do because I believe in the power of people to change. But I also know it"s foolish to predict how much our influence will promote change in someone and even more foolish to stake our future happiness on it.
When we meet someone, from our very first conversation, we need to be observant. Is the person to whom we"re attracted demonstrating through their actions that they share our values? Over the course of spending real time together, do we witness them exhibiting the same standards for these values as we hold in our own life?
I"m not suggesting his actions need to match your own. We don"t have to live these values in the same way. Living the value of generosity for one person may express itself in how he treats family and friends; for another person it might be the charity work he does every week. How each person lives his or her values is not as important as both being committed to them at the same depth.
If a guy says he"ll change, how do you know if he means it?
There are two values that I believe to be vital to a relationship. If you both possess and display these two values, the potential exists to work through your differences.
The two values are growth and teamwork.
If you value personal growth and your guy doesn"t, the chances of him changing are extremely low. He may alter his behavior initially for fear of losing you, but long-term change requires determination and commitment and his belief in the value of growth, regardless of the status of his love life. If your man has no interest in growing for his own sake, he will have no interest in becoming a better man for you.
The second value, teamwork, is just as important. It"s the value that makes him want to share in his efforts to make your relationship better and you happier. Teamwork is about his belief that the two of you, working together, can fix whatever dynamics in the relationship aren"t working.
Again, if you want to know whether a man values these things, watch his actions. When you tell him what would make you happier, does he listen and strive to follow through on it? Or does he become defensive and deflect your needs in service to his ego? When you are in need, does he look for ways to help you, or does he retreat?
It"s less important that he figures out the exact ways to make you happy than that he"s making a concerted effort. Because you are a team, you can guide him along the way. What"s important is that he possesses the underlying value that makes him want to make you happy. You can work with him on steering his approach-this is the work of being in a relationship-but you can"t create the intention behind it.
One word of caution: the shared values of growth and teamwork are most likely to contribute to a successful relationship when the other values the two of you share, and your standards for them, are similar. If you meet a guy with wildly different values, no amount of "trying" is likely to mold him into the man you want him to be.
What to Do When You Need to Forget the Guy I"ve shown you how to find, choose, and attract a guy, and how then to work at developing and maintaining the right relationship with him. I"ve explained how men"s minds work, to better help you achieve a better outcome in love. I suggested ways of thinking and behaving that will also enrich your life and attract men to you.
Nevertheless, sometimes it just doesn"t work out.
No matter how well you absorb and apply these principles, no matter how high value you are, how good you are at conveying your value to guys, how faithful you are in applying the rule of reciprocity, or how well you make sure you and your guy share the same values and priorities, you will never be immune to heartbreak. I hope I"ve taught you how to rig the game in your favor, but it"s important to accept that in love, there are still no guarantees. This uncertainty is part of the human condition, part of the mystery of love.
You may do absolutely everything right and still get hurt or be disappointed.
We have no control if our partner decides to up and leave. We have no control if our partner decides to be unfaithful. Sometimes you will be the one who falls out of love or who realizes that this person just isn"t right for you. Most of us understand that all we can control is our own actions; we can only influence the actions and behaviors of someone else. Then there"s our own unruly heart, causing trouble. As so many of you know all too well, just because you"re the one to end it, that doesn"t mean your heart isn"t broken.
Once in a while I"ll have a conversation with a woman about the agony of breakups and she"ll say, "I just never really get affected by breakups. I move on straight away. I can"t get hurt by guys." I always suspect she"s trying to convince herself she doesn"t get hurt. It may also mean that she"s so afraid of getting burned by love, she refuses to put herself in a situation where she can truly experience that feeling of surrender that"s part of falling in love. It"s one tactic, certainly, but isn"t it better to risk hurt than to allow fear to rule your love life?
If we want the chance to feel the joy of love, we are going to risk feeling more pain than we"ve ever felt before. When a relationship ends, the pain we experience can take months, even years, to become bearable. Feeling such pain at the loss of a partner is a natural, perhaps even a good, thing; it rea.s.sures us that the relationship was meaningful and that we"re able to commit to another person at the deepest level. The truth is, we are never ready to be hurt, but that doesn"t mean we shouldn"t take the risk. First you do the thing you"re scared of, and then you get the courage.
How to Move on from Heartbreak It"s over. He took back his toothbrush, T-shirts, and books. You"re no longer friends on Facebook. You"ve deleted his number from your phone. You"ve instructed your friends to treat him like Voldemort, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.