Unearned physical contact doesn"t give a man s.e.xual validation. Here"s why: men suffer anxiety at the thought that they just had a woman anyone could have had. It"s one of the reasons many men have disdain for women who are considered s.l.u.tty or easy. When a guy thinks, What I just did, anyone could have done, he"s not feeling good about himself.

Consider again the formula for attraction: Visual Chemistry + Perceived Challenge + Perceived Value + Connection = Deep and Lasting Attraction When it comes to s.e.x, if a guy suspects that any other guy could have also gotten you into bed, your perceived value plummets in his eyes. He suspects that you have no firm standards. He doesn"t feel as if he had to seduce you or charm you in any unique way. He hasn"t had to work for you. He feels as though his only achievement was being present at the right time. What"s more, if it all comes too easily, it also means there was no perceived challenge, which further kills his attraction.

How to Tell If He Just Wants s.e.x Since all guys want s.e.x, how do you tell when a guy is only out for s.e.x? Even great guys will try for s.e.x on the first or second date, so how do you spot the ones who don"t plan on sticking around?

The first thing to notice is how he reacts to you denying him s.e.x. If his reaction is too emotional, or angry, or upset, or he is too persistent about having to have s.e.x right this minute, ditch him. A guy will react emotionally to being denied s.e.x only if he plans on never having another date with you, or if he has his own emotional hang-ups. Either way, you don"t need any part of it.

A good rule of thumb is to never punish a guy for wanting s.e.x, but be concerned if he reacts badly to your denial. Denying a guy s.e.x doesn"t have to be done in a stern, formal way. You can say no without making him feel rejected. If you say to him: "You"re really cute, but I don"t move that fast," you are still throwing approval his way.

The guy who enjoys your company and wants to get to know you better will have no problem not having s.e.x on a first, second, or third date. If he is truly interested in pursuing a relationship with you, he will wait until you are ready (within reason!). Mostly, he"ll just need some sense of progression as the two of you get closer. If he"s reached the emotional hook point with you, if you"ve become a woman like no other in his eyes, the actual s.e.x can wait. He"s confident it will happen eventually; whether it"s tomorrow, next week, or next month, he knows it will happen. Your denial won"t concern him if he feels a connection to you, especially one of value to him. Time with you becomes worth waiting for a physical relationship with you. This is a good reason for denying a guy s.e.x on a first date; if nothing else, it allows you to see whether he plans on having another. Although he may wait two more dates for s.e.x, at least then he"ll value it differently.

How to Be an Unforgettable Woman A sophisticated woman a.s.sumes that guys will desire her s.e.xually, but she doesn"t make that her value. A guy"s basic urge to want to sleep with her doesn"t dictate how she behaves. She engages with him on her own terms.

Suppose a guy rings you up at 10 p.m. and asks you to come over. A smart woman will know that a booty call is never the way to gain respect and help establish a genuine relationship. But just because he"s called for one, that doesn"t mean you chastise him for trying to have s.e.x with you.

What you can do is to suggest an alternative. Say to him, "I"ll tell you what, I"ll come over in the morning and we"ll have breakfast instead." Then bring some orange juice and croissants over to his place in the morning. Now you"ve turned what would have been a purely s.e.xual situation into a connection situation. Sure, he might initially feel a little frustrated when he can"t get you to come over at night, but a little frustration never hurt anyone.

All that matters for a guy is that he is kept excited. He doesn"t mind if s.e.x isn"t in the cards right away if you are adding value to his life. As long as he still feels like he"s in the game and that he"s got something to look forward to, he doesn"t mind waiting.

The unforgettable woman isn"t worried about how her guy will feel when he"s made to wait. If he"s focused on s.e.x, she"s focused on expressing her value. This is the value of the casual dates mentioned earlier. When you do ordinary stuff, like cooking a meal together, walking down to a local coffee place, or even just hanging out together reading the Sunday paper or catching up on some work on your laptops, opportunities abound for both displaying your value and connecting emotionally.

I"m not suggesting that it"s your job to bring meaning and value to a guy"s life. Nor am I suggesting that you invest any time in a guy who doesn"t meet your standards. The principle of reciprocity is always operational. Yes, you give first, but you expect something in return. Invest, and then test his reaction.

This still might sound both too exhausting and too risky; you might feel as though you don"t want to waste time and energy on someone who isn"t interested in anything serious. Actually, behaving this way saves you time. If the guy who wants you to come to his place at 10 p.m. won"t take you up on your breakfast offer, and keeps pressing you to come over late at night, you"ll know immediately that he isn"t interested in investing more in the relationship. If someone proves to be unworthy of your investment, waste no further time with him and feel glad to have found out sooner rather than later.

All this said, if you want a meaningful, long-term relationship, bringing value to the table is what makes a guy want you for who you are. The woman who demonstrates value early on is the one who gets pursued beyond s.e.x.

14.

Stuck in the Friend Trap My friend Laura is one of those women whose friends can"t believe she is still single. She"s got a job she likes, belongs to a running club, goes out salsa dancing a few times a month, travels the world a few times a year. She"s pretty and lively and has a knack for drawing people out and making them feel good about themselves. She always seems to have a lot of attractive men around her. Laura"s ability to meet so many new men is enviable, but it somehow never seems to result in any dates for herself. In fact, most of her time with these guys is spent talking about other women they are seeing. She is, essentially, one of the guys, but a better listener.

Laura keeps finding herself in the dreaded friend zone. Her new male friends may love her, but they"re not in love with her.

Some women are gifted at becoming a guy"s best friend. They have a seemingly endless supply of male friends with whom they can hang out. They spend lots of time connecting and making jokes, but like Laura"s, the relationships never seem to go anywhere romantically.

This is because attraction requires more than just a connection. It also requires s.e.xual tension and chemistry, which only come from being comfortable with our s.e.xuality. As blind as guys can be to most body language, they"re well attuned to the moves of a woman who is s.e.xually confident.

What the "buddy girl" tends to do is make friends with a guy first, hoping a flame will spark and seduction will follow. But as long as you are firmly in the friend zone, it"s hard for you to appear on his radar as a s.e.xual partner. If your behavior was a mathematical equation, it would look something like this: (Playfulness + Spontaneity + Connection) a s.e.xuality = Friend Trap Most of us have been there at some point in our love lives. We"ve met someone with whom we long to have a romantic relationship but who only sees us as a friend. And let"s face it, the friend zone sucks.

If we find ourselves in this position repeatedly, it"s because we are taking a wrong turn early in the relationship. It usually happens to people who are good at building rapport and connecting on a deep level with someone, yet fail to express their s.e.xuality enough to be seen as something more than a friend. And so, while a guy sees one of these women as great company, that"s the only way he sees her.

Somewhere along the way he failed to see you as s.e.xual. Perhaps you were great at flirting and letting him see your s.e.xy side at the party that first night. Then once you began seeing each other, you wanted to show him what a good, loyal, faithful companion you could be and wound up reminding him too much of his sister.

Or, you"re so deliriously happy to have found this guy, you go overboard lavishing him with attention. It becomes clear to him that you"re eager to be with him, regardless of how he behaves, and that he doesn"t have to do any work at all to keep to you interested. In this case, he isn"t perceiving you as either high value or a challenge.

It rarely feels good to be in the friend zone. You feel powerless and unloved. You get stuck in the position of hoping that something will happen; all the while he hooks up with other girls. He likes spending time with you, but he only sees you as his buddy, as someone he can hang out with and confide in, but not as a romantic partner. And you can"t understand why. You know you would be great for him. And what"s worse, it stops you from meeting anyone else, because you don"t want to jeopardize your chances with him, and your focus is only on him. Every time he"s single, you think there might be an opportunity for him to notice you. You hope that eventually he"ll just realize that you"ve been there all along.

No one can blame you for holding out hope that one day the lightbulb will go on over his heart and he"ll realize you"ve been the one for him all along. You could name ten Hollywood movies with the exact same plot: Guy and girl are friends for years. They sleep with other people, never realizing that they are totally right for each other. After years and years of holding back, one of them (usually the guy) dramatically runs to the girl at the last possible moment (due to last-minute plot contrivances usually involving getting on an airplane) and he confesses how he has always loved her, how he realizes she is totally and completely the one for him, and how he just wants to spend the rest of his life with her.

I"m here to tell you that this is the stuff of movies; the only time I can remember that Hollywood got it right was the famous scene from When Harry Met Sally in which Harry and Sally are having a relaxed lunch at Katz"s Delicatessen. They are still just friends at this point, and Harry is talking about his s.e.x life. He argues that he is always able to s.e.xually satisfy a woman. Sally disagrees. She maintains that all women now and then have to fake o.r.g.a.s.ms, and that Harry would never be able to tell the difference between a real and a fake one. When Harry shakes his head cynically and a.s.sures her that he could, Sally responds in the most shocking way possible. In order to prove her point, she begins to close her eyes, she gently moans, breathing heavier and heavier, she then moans louder, and louder still, until finally she"s screaming at the top of her voice "Oh G.o.d, yes! YES! YES!" and fakes an entire o.r.g.a.s.m from beginning to climax in the middle of the diner.

When Sally fakes the o.r.g.a.s.m, Harry sees this person, whom he has always considered as just a friend, in a s.e.xual way in which he has never seen her before. Although this is an exaggerated example, it shows how a woman can suddenly show a man a side of her personality that he never even thought about. Suddenly, in that moment, Sally looks like a s.e.xual G.o.ddess.

This is when Harry really meets Sally.

How to Get Out of the Dreaded Friend Zone If you want to have a guy friend, that"s great. There"s nothing wrong with having a primarily male social network (guys can introduce you to other guys) or a male best friend. But if you want to stop getting stuck in the friend zone with men you desire, and with whom you can imagine a long and happy romantic future, the best thing to do is either meet someone new or do something new. Here are some pointers to help you shift his att.i.tude toward you.

Don"t become his relationship coach A guy friend is probably going to talk to you about other women he thinks are hot, or other women he"s seeing or dating. He may also feel free to ogle other women in front of you. If you still possessed any doubts about whether the two of you were more than friends, this clinches it. The more you play therapist, talking through all of his relationship issues with other women, the further down the buddy trail you"re headed. The trick is not to indulge him. Don"t let him go on about some girl he"s into, don"t give him advice or try to gently tell him what to do. Avoid the topic altogether. You don"t want to hear about it.

If you get stuck as his relationship coach, it leaves you no room to flirt and show off your own qualities. Being his coach might make you feel closer to him. It may make you feel as if your relationship is more "authentic" and honest, but getting close doesn"t necessarily equal more attraction.

Be willing to disagree with him When we like someone, our impulse is to get along in order to build rapport. We"re desperate to find some common ground. This may lead you to say you agree with his opinions, even if you don"t. Or you won"t challenge him on something about which you"d normally cause a ruckus, because you don"t want to make waves. You"re bending to accommodate him to show him how well you fit together instead of just sticking to your own opinions and standards, which is the kind of thing friends do-see each other"s point of view, agree to disagree, build consensus. One of the ways to make sure you don"t slip into the friend zone is to be willing to challenge him on things.

It sounds counterintuitive, but one way to be more attractive is to break rapport with a guy by disagreeing with him. A guy doesn"t want a yes-woman who agrees with everything he says. I don"t recommend you ever fake this, but if he says something that"s out of step with your values, or he says he likes a movie, book, or band that you can"t stand, be willing to cause a little trouble.

If he"s moaning and groaning a lot about his workload or his favorite team"s recent losing streak, you can say, "I could never be with you-you"re way too much work." This is a way of playfully communicating your standards. You can also say this if he ever jokes about the idea of the two of you being together. In fact, if he ever jokes about it, say, "Yeah, we"d never work, I"m way too cool for you."

Bear in mind that for this to work you cannot say it seriously. The tone always has to be a bit cheeky, like you"re only playing with the idea of being together. You"re not remotely serious.

Do you see what"s happening here? You"re both putting the idea of a relationship in his head, while also taking it away. This is an elegant way of communicating high value to a guy, because now you"ve suggested he"s going to have to live up to your standards. This is key for long-term attraction. As we"ve established, a man always wants to feel that the woman he"s with is forcing him to raise his game. He wants to feel ever so slightly like he has to do more to keep up with her.

The relevance of breaking rapport is not to disagree for the sake of it. It"s to convey that however much you might be into him you"re not going to agree with everything he says. It"s a way of communicating both certainty and independence. It shows that you have your own opinions, even on things as trivial as movies. Paradoxically, disagreeing can create more attraction than agreeing for the sake of getting along. When you disagree on some things, it makes your bond much stronger when you eventually find common ground.

Let him know what"s off limits If he persists being a guy friend and not your boyfriend, make it clear to him that certain things are off limits. There are certain perks of being in a relationship with you that he"s not ent.i.tled to because you"re only friends. Being able to see you naked, or how s.e.xy you are in the bedroom, or what kind of underwear you own-these things are reserved for the man with whom you"re in a romantic relationship. Again, don"t chide him or lecture him, just playfully let him know there are certain wonders behind the velvet curtain that he could partake of, were the two of you a couple.

If you"re having a conversation about s.e.x, never be explicit, just hint at how amazing you are in that arena and let him imagine the rest. If he asks you a personal question about it, say in a teasing manner, "I don"t reveal my secrets to just anyone." Now you are showing him that there is a level of closeness he can"t get by just being friends with you. It implies both that you are high value and that you have hidden depths.

Make him have s.e.xual thoughts about you Being able to convey her s.e.xuality is one of the traits of a desirable woman. This is what makes a guy able to picture himself kissing you, wanting to touch and be s.e.xual with you. If you want out of the friend zone, it"s important to get comfortable with the idea of a guy thinking about having s.e.x with you. I realize this sounds fairly basic, but you might be surprised how many women, in their eagerness to show that they"re kind, smart, honest, and trustworthy, lose sight of this basic requirement of romance.

Even if he likes you, he may find it hard to think of you as a romantic partner because he can"t picture what being physically intimate with you will be like.

When a guy is looking at you romantically, he"s always wondering what s.e.x is like with you, even before the first date. A guy often secretly wants to feel that you have a really naughty side that he"s not yet allowed to see, but that has the potential to emerge with him. This is why it"s so important that he views you as s.e.xual early on. You might be thinking, Well, he"ll see what a s.e.x fiend I am once he"s in a relationship with me, but it doesn"t work that way.

As we mentioned before, the early stages of courtship should be a preview for the rest of the relationship. A guy always wants to see an indication of the traits he"s looking for early on.

There are several ways to display your s.e.xual nature without coming on to him in a way that"s overly forward. Dancing with a guy is a great way for him to notice your s.e.xuality; when he sees you enjoy moving your body and being in the moment, he can"t help feeling closer to you physically. Another way is to let him know that you have s.e.xual thoughts. You never want to just stride up to a guy and tell him you want to have s.e.x with him. After he gets over the shock, he"ll usually feel intimidated. You also don"t want to outright say to him, "You"re so s.e.xy"; this might be something you say in a relationship or in bed, but saying it early on feels like too much.

Instead of telling him outright that he"s s.e.xy, tell him that something he does is s.e.xy. For example, if a guy is wearing a new leather jacket, say, "Wow, that jacket is s.e.xy" or "Hey! You know I can"t resist guys in leather jackets. Take that off right now."

If he"s wearing a new aftershave and you say, "Oh my, I can"t resist that smell on a guy," you"re making it about the aftershave, not about him personally.

Even in general conversation when you use phrases like, "I can"t resist that . . ." or "It turns me on when . . ." or "It"s so s.e.xy when . . . ," you are communicating your s.e.xual desires. This is the kind of language that distinguishes a romance from a friendship.

If you"re confident enough, you can be s.e.xual moments after you meet a guy. You don"t have to wait. You could be standing next to a guy at a social function and say, "I can"t stand next to you. I have a fetish for guys who wear scarves." It"s a silly line, but it establishes from your first interaction that the two of you are never going to be just friends.

Let"s take a closer look at one of the lines above: "Hey! You know I can"t resist guys in leather jackets. Take that off right now."

This line (and every similar line about how something drives you crazy and he must stop immediately or suffer the consequences) serves to both offer a compliment and immediately rescind it. You"re saying, in essence, "You turn me on, but you"re not allowed to." You"re saying, "I"m attracted to you, but I"m not sure I should be." You"re telling him that you find him s.e.xy in a leather jacket, but you are also communicating that by being s.e.xy he is breaking the rules.

So of course, what does he want to do?

Break the rules.

Now, he"s going to want to turn you on more, because you"ve prohibited it. Moments ago he was just standing there minding his own business, and now he"s determined that you continue to see him in a s.e.xual light. You"ve started a game, which he wasn"t expecting. When you tease him in this way, you are conveying your interest but also throwing enough challenges in his path that he wants to keep your interest going.

Don"t come running every time he calls Often when we"re stuck in a "just friends" situation with someone we"re attracted to, we"ll drop everything we"re doing just to be closer, hoping that maybe one day they"ll notice we"re there and fall in love. But proximity isn"t attraction.

When you overinvest in a guy too quickly, it extinguishes any initial attraction he may have felt for you. By making it clear that you have nothing better going on in your life than being with him, you never give him the chance to see what he"s missing when you"re not around. It"s a version of the country-western song lyrics: "How can I miss you when you won"t go away?"

In the early stages of a relationship, a guy wants to see that you have standards and commitments, neither of which you"re going to compromise for anyone. If he feels as if you"ll come running anytime he calls, it"s easy to end up as the woman he calls up to make himself feel good or to boost his ego, but not someone for whom he feels attraction.

I know this is easier said than done. When we"re attracted to someone, the impulse to compromise our own standards is great. One friend described being in love as like being caught in a riptide. No matter how much you resist, you can"t seem to help yourself. He doesn"t show you the same attention you show him? That"s okay! I give up every minute of my spare time to be at his beck and call? Sure! Friends? Who needs friends, when I"ve found the man of my dreams! But this kind of behavior never works in your favor; slowly but surely your value drops in his eyes, and whatever attraction he may have once felt for you diminishes.

I"m not advocating playing hard-to-get, but a guy should only get back what he invests.

Get physical If you want to be the one to choose who is going to be a friend and who is going to be something more, you must get comfortable touching people. Touching a guy in conversation should always be seamless and graceful. It shouldn"t feel like something awkward or unusual, it should feel like something you do normally.

Resolve to become more tactile with everyone. In the same way that we have to become more sociable with everyone, we also have to become more comfortable with using touch in everyday conversation. If you"re uncomfortable with touching, start practicing with everyone in your life.

Hug your friends when you greet them or when you"re saying good-bye. Kiss a guy on the cheek when you greet him. If you do it with everyone in the group, people will see your confidence and follow suit.

Learning to reach out to people in this way will eventually dissolve your barriers and make you feel more open to people. We all know that friend who lights up the room with their warmth. They instantly make everyone feel close to them by being affectionate not with just one person, but with everyone.

Do this, and the next time you touch a guy to flirt with him, it"s not going to seem weird or unnatural, it"s just going to seem like a natural extension of your personality. This is why I recommend you flirt with everyone, even women. Why? Because this gets you to take yourself less seriously all the time. And when you b.u.mp into that guy you find attractive, you don"t feel like you have to switch suddenly into flirting mode.

One great way to make touch easier in a first conversation is to stand next to someone, instead of face-to-face. (Standing side by side also gives the impression that you could walk away at any time, that you"re still deciding whether to commit to the conversation.) When you stand next to someone, your arms might be touching and it still feels perfectly natural. It allows you to touch the back of his arm and point out something across the room or say, "Come meet my friends."

When it comes to touching someone you know better, with whom you might be entering the friend zone, you can be a little bolder. Give him a short shoulder ma.s.sage, or a more intimate, longer hug. If you notice his aftershave or shampoo, you can lean in and smell him (lightly touch the back of his arm to pull yourself toward him).

All of these instances of touch help create connection and intimacy, and give him an excuse to get close to you. In touching a guy briefly and frequently, you"re telling him it"s okay to make a move. The major reason a guy might not kiss you on a first date is that he lacks the chance or reason to get close to you. There"s always that moment near the end of the date where the conversation dies and the woman is thinking, Just do it. Just kiss me already! Meanwhile he"s thinking, I want to kiss her, but how do I get over there? She"s like eight hundred feet away. Do I pretend there"s a bug on her shoulder and lean forward to brush it off? Do I pretend to accidentally trip and fall into her lips?

When you take the lead and make touch feel more natural, he"s going to find it easier to reciprocate. Building up to a kiss is much easier if he already feels comfortable with being physically close and touching. You"re giving him permission, but letting him make the move.

TO TOUCH OR NOT TO TOUCH.

Watch me and an audience member demonstrate the art of suggestive touching.

Go to www.gettheguybook.com/touch Access code: gtgbook Other Traps There are many ways a promising relationship that gets off the ground well enough nevertheless finds itself stalling out and plunging to the ground. Here are some of those scenarios.

(Femininity + s.e.xuality) a Connection = s.e.x Object Trap Some women, convinced that the way to a man"s heart is through his groin, focus on their s.e.xiness, and some women naturally ooze s.e.xuality. The way they walk across a room, the way they apply lipstick, the way they touch a man conveys one thing and one thing only. These women are usually naturals when it comes to creating some quick and raging chemistry. A guy will want to have s.e.x with her immediately (Hey, is there anyone in the guest bathroom?).

Without playfulness, however, the woman stuck in the s.e.x object trap comes across as merely a seductress. Without integrity and independence, she comes across as someone who is s.e.xual but doesn"t have any significant standards.

A guy might get addicted to this s.e.xual energy, but once that wears off-and eventually it does wear off-he loses interest, because he can"t see himself living with her on a long-term basis. She has demonstrated her s.e.xual value, but not her ability to connect with and understand him on any deeper level. He may keep calling her for s.e.x, but eventually he"ll find someone who possesses all the traits that attract him, and she"ll never hear from him again.

(Certainty + Independence + Connection) a Femininity a Playfulness = Serious Type Trap Many high-powered women who"ve achieved a great deal, who stride through the world in seven-league boots, taking names and kicking a.s.s, sometimes struggle to season their great confidence, certainty, independence, and competence with a pinch of femininity and playfulness.

It"s not as if they"ve completely shut themselves off from those other qualities that are necessary to create attraction in a guy, but they may be rusty from lack of use. The persona of a strong, successful woman that a woman needs to inhabit in working life undoubtedly requires dialing down her cheeky, flirty, womanly side.

Every guy she meets takes her seriously. There"s no risk of her falling into the s.e.x object trap, or perhaps even the friend trap. Men who are equally successful want to hire her, and men who are less successful want to take a seminar taught by her, but none of them want to develop a romantic relationship with her.

There"s no intrinsic conflict between being a strong, certain woman and one who embraces her femininity and sweetness, but like everything, getting all of those traits up and running at the same time takes practice.

The Just-Be-Yourself Trap I don"t have an equation for this trap, which is the trickiest one of them all.

In the early stages of a relationship, a man becomes attracted when he glimpses in you all of the traits that make a desirable, high-value woman. I"m sure there are some days when behaving in ways that convey that high value to others feels like learning one of those sports, like tennis or skiing, that requires you to perform about sixteen different moves at the same time.

For some, if not most, of you, embracing some of these traits will feel initially uncomfortable. It may feel incredibly out of character to be s.e.xual if you are someone who is not used to expressing that side of yourself. It may be difficult being playful if you are used to being sensible. It may be hard to be spontaneous because spontaneity makes you anxious. Maybe you have a habit of falling head over heels with a guy in the first half hour after you"ve met him, and so conveying certainty and standards is a struggle.

This can be frustrating. It may make you want to quit. After a night at an office party, or a barbecue, or an art opening, after which you"re convinced you made a fool out of yourself trying to exhibit traits you"re convinced you don"t possess, you may confide your woes to a friend and she will say, inevitably, "You don"t have to change a single thing. Just be yourself and it will be fine."

This is where our friend can be our worst enemy.

The advice to forget everything you"ve learned and to just be yourself doesn"t even make much sense. Who is to say what our real self really is? Do you even know? I don"t. The great philosophers of the world all seem to go to their graves never having found a definitive answer.

What if I"ve suggested some things in this book that you"ve enjoyed doing? Meeting and mingling with new guys, striking up great conversations, becoming a more tactile person. Are you going against your "true" self because you"re now more practiced at being outgoing and playful?

The habits, both good and bad, that we may have fallen into over the years do not const.i.tute who we are. We are simply used to being that way. We"re used to going out with a friend, buying a drink, and huddling with her in the corner, complaining that there are no good men out there. We"re used to going on dinner dates to dull restaurants and grinding through boring conversations about where we work and how long our commute is. We"re used to sleeping with a guy on the third date because we read in a magazine about the wait-three-dates rule.

This isn"t who we are.

Even a woman who"s shy in public still sings in the car when she hears her favorite song. She has a side to her that others rarely see, a side that is silly, playful, and spontaneous. Likewise, there are strong, certain women who go nuts for expensive French lingerie, and playful, spontaneous women who"ve disciplined themselves to meditate for thirty minutes every morning for their entire adult life. Do all of their friends know this about them? Not likely.

Often, when people advise "just be yourself," it"s a way of saying don"t grow and change. What"s more, friends offer this advice when just being yourself has left you miserable and lonely. What they are really telling you is to stick with what you know, to stay with what is comfortable. And what I am telling you is that the new and improved you is you. You are not changing who you are, you are becoming who you are.

15.

Why Hasn"t He Called?

You had a great time. You thought everything was going so well. You talked easily. He told you a secret or two. He held your hand as you strolled to the car. You made an impromptu stop for ice cream. You talked until two. You could have easily slept together. He remembered the name of your cat as he said his good-byes. You had a great time! You thought everything was going so well.

Suddenly, radio silence. The phone doesn"t ring all week. Maybe you break down and call him and leave a message. But he doesn"t call you back.