"But you"re the one who"s making us stink!" I jumped up and yelled. "You don"t let us take showers, you make us move rocks in the hot sun, and you force us to wear DIRTY f.u.c.kIN" CLOTHES!"

"Yes, yes, I know, you poor things, but it"s all part of the rigors of hazing. Get out of those malodorous sweats now, and Zenas will put them in plastic and hang them up for next year"s pledges."

We all looked at each other, shrugged, and started stripping. Anything to get out of that hot s.h.i.t. The fence was ten-feet high so it"s not like anyone else could see us. Zenas actually put a clothespin on his nose when he took the stink-drenched sweat-clothes and walked them back into the house, leaving us to sit fuming, naked, hot, and humiliated.

"And, yes," Kezzy went on, "it"s most regrettable that you weren"t able to take showers; however, now that you"ve successfully completed the next phase of your initiation, I will allow you all to take a bath."

"But, Miss Kezzy, there isn"t a bath tub in our room," I said.

She crossed her arms and kept up that superb.i.t.c.h grin. "You won"t need a tub for this kind of bath, girls. You see, you"ll be giving yourselves tongue baths."

"What?" Mercy whined, eyes bulging. "What did she say?"

Hannah put her face in her hands and just started moaning.

Me? I just glared.

"Two on one, in this order," Kezzy barked out. "Mercy, Ann, and Hannah. Chop-chop, ladies. Right out here in the middle of the yard."

Hannah and I had to practically drag Mercy out of the gazebo. "What did she say?" she bawled.

"We have to lick each others bodies!" I snapped back.

"But, but...we"re dirty !"

"That"s why she"s making us do it."

Leave it to Kezzy to think of something this sick; then the b.i.t.c.h added, "Arm pits first, then p.u.s.s.ies, then b.u.t.ts."

f.u.c.k. Mercy wasn"t crying as much when me and Hannah started on her. I sucked one arm pit, Hannah did the other, then we put Mercy down, held our breath, and gave her a double-hummer. Try eating a girl"s cooter after she"s done hours of hard labor in the sun a"in sweats a" and hasn"t washed in over a day. But that was a walk in the park compared to Mercy"s a.s.s.

I won"t bother describing the fiasco, except to say it was the WORST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ME. I"ve had sweet and sour shrimp, but sweet and sour a.s.s? Skip it. And you couldn"t yell at the other two for smelling worse than a manure pit "cos you knew you smelled just as bad. And I don"t know what Hannah had eaten besides that yogurt the day before. Must"ve been some kind of greasy fish and asparagus maybe. Eating Kezzy"s b.u.t.t the night before, even with the p.o.o.p smear, was f.u.c.kin" angel food cake compared to that. Oh, and I forgot to mention, Hannah"d started her period that morning.

While we were doing it, Kezzy and Zenas were busting their guts laughing so hard. Mercy looked like she was in shock when we were finished, and Hannah and I just stood there with smeared mouths smelling like b.u.t.t-sweat. You wipe your lips off on your arm but, believe me, that don"t work. My face felt so shriveled up from the sheer horror of it all, I thought it was trying to turn itself inside-out. Eventually, Kezzy dismissed us, and even though we were dead-tired from moving rocks, we all ran faster than we"d ever run and clunked upstairs.

I think we were all partially insane when we piled into the shower; I already had it in my head that if that psycho "ho Kezzy still hadn"t turned the water on, I was going to kill her, eat everything in the fridge, then rip off the Rolls and head for the hills. Not positive but I think I really might"ve done it a"that"s how f.u.c.ked up you get when you"re forced to eat dirty p.u.s.s.ies and a.s.ses. But the water did come on and I"ll bet we each used a thousand gallons of water scrubbing ourselves raw. We almost got in a fight over the Listerine, and when that ran out I just said f.u.c.k it and gargled with rubbing alcohol.

We laid around in our bunks, nursing our stomach aches and sore muscles. Mercy would break into these off and on crying fits, and sometimes I could hear her praying under her breath. If there was a G.o.d, He wasn"t doing much for his servant Mercy. Hannah just laid there and moaned, and eventually she blurted, "Why is she doing this to us?"

"She"s trying to break us, Hannah," I told her.

"Oh, no!" Mercy shrilled, "she"s already done that!"

"No, she hasn"t, and we can"t let her!" I groaned when I sat up on my bunk. "We have to show her that she can"t. Because if she can, then we go home the same three losers we were when we got here. She"s like a drill sergeant in the Marines. She wants to make sure we"re tough enough."

"No, no, no," Mercy kept sobbing. "It"s so much more than that! It"s evil..."

Hannah and I gaped at her.

" She"s ...evil."

"Bulls.h.i.t, Mercy," I said. "There"s no such thing as evil. Things are either f.u.c.ked up or they"re not, and this...is f.u.c.ked up. Life has its trials, that"s all. We"re going to get through this, and we"ll do that by sticking together as a team."

But she just lay there shaking her head in a daze. "No, no, it"s evil. She"s evil, Zenas is evil, the whole house is evil." She shivered. "I can feel it."

Whatever. Maybe she was going off the deep end; eating dirty b.u.t.ts can do that to a person. But later on, Kezzy called us downstairs for "dinner," which consisted of bacon-wrapped filets for Kezzy and Zenas, and a couple of salt-free pretzel rods for us. I would rather have stuck "em up both their a.s.ses but I ate them anyway. After dinner, we were ordered to get into the Rolls.

Zenas sat in the driver"s seat. He was still wearing his maid"s suit but now he also wore a chauffeur"s hat. The d.i.c.k. Kezzy sat up front.

"After such a hard day"s work," she said in her typical phony bubbly voice, "I thought you girls would appreciate a drive through town." Then she snapped her gaze back to us. "Well, wouldn"t you? Wouldn"t you appreciate a drive through town?"

"Yes, Miss Kezzy," we all said at once.

"I thought so..."

She and Zenas were eating a bunch of Tastycake b.u.t.terscotch Krimpets. Those things were my favorite food when I was a kid, and they still tasted the same these days. We could smell them in the backseat. You could almost taste that delicious b.u.t.terscotch icing from the smell. And they had a whole box of the things up front; Kezzy and Zenas were stuffing them into their mouths.

I leaned forward. "Um, Miss Kezzy? Do you think, maybe, we could have some of those Krimpets, please?"

She looked back with raised brow. "Well, Ann, you girls have partaken in some considerable toil today, and you"ve shown great strength and gumption. If it were up to me, I wouldn"t hesitate to let you all have some Krimpets. But in the interests of equality, I"ll leave the decision to Zenas." She looked over to him. "Zenas? Do you feel that the girls deserve some Krimpets?"

"Wai, now, "tis true they worked hard today," and, of course, the redneck sc.u.mbag p.r.o.nounced "worked hard" as wucked hod, "And, ee-yuh, they"se all of "em pa.s.sed theer virgin test, so"s, yew know, to the ideer"a them desarvin" sum Krimpets, I"d have to say a""

We all crossed out fingers, and Mercy was even whispering prayers.

" a" f.u.c.k no!" Zenas cracked. "Yougurt"n pretzels is good enough fer "em," and then he crammed another Krimpet in his mouth. He and Kezzy were wheezing laughter.

Man, oh, man. The hits just kept on comin". This really was sick. They were pushing our b.u.t.tons like they"ve never been pushed; it was like psychological torture. You make girls drink spooged coffee and lick reeking arm pits, crotches, and a.s.s-cracks, then dangle Krimpets in their faces and say f.u.c.k no. Those two f.u.c.kers laughed a while longer, like f.u.c.kin" hyenas, and we just sat back there kind of smoldering. Best way to get my mind off how much I hated them was to just look out the window at the town, but that"s when I discovered that there really was no town. Dunwich Women"s College pretty much existed in the middle of nowhere. All around were either woods or s.h.i.tty looking farmland. Every now and then we"d pa.s.s some p.i.s.s-ant gas station, or some rickety fruit stand, or some p.i.s.s-ant shack with a bunch of p.i.s.s-ant rubes sitting on the front porch. Oh, and there was a p.i.s.s-ant general store that looked like it used to be a church. We saw some trailers, too, and old cars rusting in the woods; then when the woods"d change over to fields, there might be some cows grazing, and some busted tractors and half-collapsed old farmhouses. Zenas cruised the Rolls down all these long winding roads; it was kind of scenic, especially when the sun started going down. Rustic, I guess that"s the word.

"See, girls, this entire area, for miles around and for years and years, used to be called Dunwich, and a great portion of this land was owned by a family that settled here in the late-1600"s, the Whatley family," Kezzy turned her stone face back to us again. "Now, who"s going to impress me and tell me why that name is not only familiar but important? Hannah?"

"Well, Miss Kezzy, that name"s important because, because..." Then Hannah stalled, like she always did. "Oh, I don"t know!"

"You"re so, so bright, Hannah," Kezzy chided. "Do you happen to be missing your brain since your last bowel movement? Hmm?" She turned to me. "Ann?"

I remembered that dumb-a.s.s deed on her wall. "Because Micall Whatley was the man who gave the land the college is on to another man, a friend of his, who later founded the college."

"I really am impressed!" and then Kezzy sneered at Mercy. "And who was that man who founded the college, Mercy?"

"Um, um a"oh, I know! Elmer Fudd!"

"Oh, Mercy, Mercy, Mercy," Kezzy shook her head. "What am I going to do with you? Yours is an ignorance truly unparalleled in modern times."

"Elmer Frye was only the recorder of deeds for the transaction of the land," I said. "The guy who founded the college was Joseph Curwen, I think."

"You think correct, Ann. At least the lights aren"t out in every house tonight. Regardless, over the decades a"over the centuries, as a matter of fact a"the Whatley family as well as the other families of Dunwich deteriorated, and eventually, by, say, the 1930"s, all of the land around the college was either annexed by neighboring counties or sold off by the state. But this land a" that we"re driving on now? a"looks just like it did back in the old days, the Colonial days, the days that provided the very foundation of this great country we live in now. It has a nice, nostalgic feel. Nostalgia is so important, don"t you think?" She glared at Hannah. "Well, don"t you, Hannah?"

"Yuh-yes, Miss Kezzy!"

"And why? Why, Hannah, is nostalgia so important?"

Hannah started shaking. "I-I...oh, s.h.i.t! I don"t know!"

"Indeed. It appears, in fact, that you don"t know anything. Mercy?"

Mercy just started bawling.

"Oh, for goodness" sake, Mercy! You are the definition of the term "t.i.ts on a bull."" Then the dagger-glare shot back to me.

f.u.c.k, I thought. I think that a lot. "Nostalgia is important because it reminds us not only of where we came from, but it enforces who we really are. Driving these old roads, for examplea"like you said, Miss Kezzy. It"s not so much the fact that we"re driving on the road, it"s that we"re driving on a piece of our history."

Kezzy"s face kind of went blank, and her mouth opened. "I myself could not have answered the question more perfectly. Your perseverance, Ann, as well as your intuition, attention to detail, and your ability to subjectify, is slowly but surely forging you into a penultimate Alpha House pledge, and you"re certainly the cream of this crop. I"m very proud of you. And, now? For your diligence, you shall be rewarded." She handed me a pack of Krimpets.

My hands shook as I held the pack. "You"re, you"re serious, Miss Kezzy?"

"Why, of course, Ann. Perseverance bids reward."

I eyed the pack. "Let me guess, Zenas wiped his a.s.s with these, didn"t he? Or rubbed his d.i.c.k on them..."

Kezzy laughed. "Oh, Ann! Don"t be so cynical! Those Krimpets are unopened, untampered with, and untouched."

The back of the pack was sealed. I opened it, broke off one Krimpet, looked at it, sniffed it.

It smelled wonderful.

I turned it upside-down and took a bite. That perfect b.u.t.terscotch icing melted on my tongue. I chewed ever-so-slowly. Then all that flavor burst into my mouth. My fingers tingled. My toes curled. It was so good. I whined and my eyes rolled back in their sockets. I didn"t woof it down, oh, no. Probably took me five minutes just to eat the first Krimpet.

It was the best thing in the world.

But the thing about Krimpets was, there were three per pack. I broke off the second one, was about to take the first bite, but then I looked at Hannah and Mercy.

They looked like two puppies staring back at me...

I paused.

"Really, Ann," Kezzy said. ""You"re actually thinking about giving the other two to your cohorts? You want to give them your reward, which you alone have earned, while Hannah and Mercy have earned nothing? Really?"

Their faces were so long, their eyes so big.

I wanted those other two Krimpets more than anything, but I just sputtered, "Oh, f.u.c.k it! Here!" and gave them each a Krimpet.

I swear they made noises like two pigs at feeding time. Hannah about inhaled hers, and Mercy looked like she was having the first o.r.g.a.s.m of her life. And, get this. The two ungrateful b.i.t.c.hes didn"t even say thank you, but when they were done, I kind ofa"well, I just felt good about myself.

"You have yet to cease to impress me, Ann," Kezzy said. "It"s very much an Alpha House signature, for one sister to share with her other sisters."

"But we"re not sisters yet, Miss Kezzy," I pointed out. "We"re only pledges, and we still have the rest of Pledge Week to get through, don"t we?"

"Indeed, you do. And, girls, I might as well inform you that the day"s trials are not quite over. We"re not merely out on a nice leisurely drive through the countryside. Tonight, we have a more defined purpose. Because, you see, tonight" a" she raised a finger. "Tonight...we"re going Old-Manning..."

Okay. You"re probably getting the idea. Old-Manning? What the f.u.c.k is that? I thought. I mean, it"s pretty obvious, isn"t it? But it didn"t occur to me at all when she said it, because I didn"t think that even Kezzy could be that twisted.

I was way way wrong.

Few minutes later, Zenas pulled the Rolls up in front of a little building back up in the hills. There were lights on and several beat-up, pieces-of-s.h.i.t-looking cars there. The sign read AMERICAN LEGION - DUNWICH POST.

That"s when it occurred to me. Old Manning. You gotta be s.h.i.tting me...

"Isn"t this a tavern for, like, old people?" Hannah asked when we all got out of the Rolls. Zenas stayed in the car, guess it wasn"t cool for a dude in a maid suit to go into a public place.

"Guys who were in the military," I said. "Old men. Get it? Old men? Old Manning?"

Kezzy walked behind us, smiling away.

"What did she mean by Old Manning?" Mercy asked.

"Oh, I don"t know, Mercy, but let me take a wild guess and say that we"re probably gonna have to blow some old men."

"Very perceptive, Ann," Kezzy said.

Mercy looked cross-eyed in fear. "What? Blow? You mean, like, like...we"ll have to perform oral s.e.x on them?"

Kezzy laughed. "You"re finally starting to catch on."

I opened the rickety door, then we all walked in, but Mercy kept tugging on my sleeve. "Ann? Ann? She"s joking, right? Right?"

"We"re gonna have to suck off some old men, Mercy. So just deal with it," I told her, absolutely disgusted with the whole thing.

"Holy s.h.i.t," Hannah whispered. "I don"t know if I can do it."

"And I can"t do it!" Mercy blurted. "It"s a s.e.x-act out of wedlock! It"s sin!"

"Mercy, you need to get off that sin kick if you want to even stand a chance of pa.s.sing your initiations."

"Sound advice," Kezzy said.

It was a typical ramshackle old place with wooden walls and a wooden floor, some s.h.i.tty tables and chairs, plus a long bar full of glowing BUD LIGHT signs and s.h.i.t like that. The bartender had a cowboy hat on, and a white handle-bar mustache. He looked about seventy but the other two old coots sitting at the bar had to be in their eighties. One was fat with giant moles all over his face and a hat that said I WAS ON OMAHA BEACH. s.h.i.t, I didn"t know there were beaches in Nebraska. The other old f.u.c.k had a Navy hat on and looked like a f.u.c.kin" skeleton covered with saggy white skin.

"Howdy, gals," the bartender said, then he tipped his hat to Kezzy. "Weer always happy to have Alpha House folks in our bar."

Kezzy introduced us. The bartender was Henry, Mole Face was Albert, and the grinning skeleton was Nahum or some f.u.c.ked up name like that. They all wore blue jeans and suspenders. Nahum took one look at Mercy, whistled through his dentures, and rubbed his crotch. "I"se the oldest heer so"s I get fust dibs. I"ll take that skinny "un thar."

But the other two guys, Mole Face and the bartender, were kind of arguing. "I"m the customer, Henry! Jesus H. Christ! I was fightin" the Waffen SS on D-Day when I weern"t but seventeen!"

"Ee-yuh? An" I fought the blammed Chinese"n North Koreans, so"s yew kin kiss my a.s.s!"

"Aw, Korean weren"t a real war, it was a no-d.i.c.k war!"