“Was your mother the one who had come to adopt? Is that why after you had been adopted, you started ballet?” Yin Li gently rubbed my back . He was a very good listener .

I laughed . “Yes, it was my mother . But I also fought to be adopted . ”

“My mother actually wanted someone younger because their ligaments would stretch more easily . ” I looked at the plaza in the distance and could somehow even recall the weather on that day . The air was suffocatingly hot and humid . “We were lined up by the old nuns, and I was at the end of the line . My mother stood at the front . She was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen, and she was dressed very prettily too . At that time I thought, ‘If I could be adopted by such a pretty lady, then maybe I could eventually one day become pretty too . ’

“But it wasn’t long before I was scared . My mother, with her prim and proper face, had us each do side splits and leaps . Sometimes, she would personally go and inspect some of the children who went down into splits . She would correct their hands and feet and widen the angle of their splits . I heard some of the children before me crying from the pain . But my mother’s face remained cold and indifferent . ”

My hands began shaking . I tried to calm myself, and Yin Li comforted me . “It’s okay, you can rest before continuing . ”

But I wanted to continue narrating this lonely past .

I closed my eyes, and then opened them again with great effort . “I was a bit scared . Many of the other children were already crying, but I desperately wanted to leave the orphanage . But when it was finally my turn, the old nun discovered me . She scolded me, saying that as a twelve year old, I was already past the age requirement . She then made to shoo me back to my room . ”

“Let her try it,” my mother had said at the time . I even remembered her slightly furrowed brows that expressed a hint of disappointment and her boredom . Clearly, all of the prior children didn’t fulfill her requirements . When she looked towards me, she seemed a little hopeful .

I remember walking over and taking a deep breath . Slowly, I parted my feet and forced myself to project a calm, carefree expression of innocence .

As expected, my mother had been tricked by my att.i.tude . She was a bit surprised . She walked up, stooped, and pressed down on my shoulders with one hand . With the other hand, she pressed my knee and asked that I point my toes . Without her consent, I couldn’t relax my position .

“It hurt . When she pressed down on me, I felt like my insides were tearing apart . Doing a split was like pulling the bow taut at maximum tension . Asking further to squeeze my muscles and point my toes was like adding soreness on top of the pain . I wanted to scream . Only by clenching my teeth could I prevent my tears from coming out . ”

I remember my mother pressing down on me quietly for a prolonged time . Only then did she lift her head and ask me, “Does it hurt?”

“Yin Li, do you know what I said? I said, ‘It doesn’t hurt . I don’t feel much . It just aches a little . ’ I couldn’t even let her hear any change in my tone . ” I opened my hands, looking at the lines in my palm . “See, from the very start I was a bad, naughty child . I was a swindler . The very first words I exchanged with my mother were lies . I tricked her, and to keep up the lies, I had no choice but to continue deceiving her . I only found out later that she underwent surgery for her ankles . With her weak ankles, she couldn’t even wear high heels . For ballet, she had given up her youth and was past the age of marriage and childbirth . To fulfill her ballet dreams, she thought of adopting a gifted child . She thought I was a ballet prodigy blessed by the heavens . But in reality, I was just a normal person faking it .

“I had to put in more effort than anyone else to reach my mother’s expectations . ” I smiled at Yin Li, but my tears were already flowing . “I felt guilty towards her . She originally could have found a child who was truly gifted in dance . However, I had tricked her . Therefore I had to keep up the lies to their end . And for that, I paid the price . ”

“Compared to Yin Xuan, compared to any other famous dancer, I’ve exchanged more blood, sweat, and tears than the rest, to obtain these swanlike steps . ”

Yin Li wiped away the tears on my face and hugged me tightly . “It’s all over, it’s all over . In the future, if it ever hurts, just cry . I won’t blame you . ”

I rested my head on Yin Li’s shoulder . “I didn’t dare betray any expression that would make my mother feel uneasy or doubtful . I had to persist . In her eyes, I wholeheartedly loved ballet . That was who I was to her . I didn’t attend any ballet shows . When I saw Yin Xuan in her ball gown, I also wanted to go . But I didn’t dare say anything . I was only 15 and it had only been 3 years since I was adopted . I was afraid of being abandoned . ”

“After my mother did the paperwork, she brought me out of the orphanage . The nuns waved as the car drove away, but I didn’t look back . I didn’t even take a second glance at the other orphans sending me away . ” I nested in Yin Li’s lap, hearing the thump of his heartbeat . It was like a familiar tune, grand and peaceful . “I had promised myself . In this lifetime, I would never return . ”

“Those days of starving, shivering, feeling uncared for, and having no hope… I would leave all that far behind . I wanted to climb up in the world . I would follow the pretty lady who adopted me and become someone from her world . I wanted to keep the dark times of the orphanage forever buried . I tossed away all the kindness I had received, abandoning my friends at the orphanage . With a steel heart, I thoroughly forgot all those friends who had smiled for me in my darkest days and showed me the warmth of camaraderie . ”

The change in Yin Li’s expression revealed how moved he was . After a long while, he finally said, “I never knew you had this kind of past . It wasn’t your fault . ” He kissed my ear . “Now, my only wish is that I can treat you better . I’m also very grateful that I was able to meet you at this time . ”

Because I had so many memories, my narration jumped around, out of chronological order . “That time, it hurt . It really did . But I didn’t dare say so . I couldn’t say anything . Later, I followed my mother to Paris . It was the first time I wore such comfortable clothes and ate so well . ”

“Then there was ballet, and I danced and danced . I threw myself into it because I knew ballet was my weapon . Only when I danced was I needed . I had no other place . ” I gazed into the distance . “When I was 12, I thought that the pain would kill me . But later, I found that I became accustomed to that pain, moreover, especially if it was for ballet . I was no longer that kid from the orphanage . I became Alicia . ”

Yin Li rubbed my head . “Though your mother had adopted you for your flexibility, I believe that she still loved you . She just cared too much about your ballet and forgot to care about your inner heart . She thought you were like her—that ballet was your reason for life . That’s why she was so demanding . It was her way of loving you .

“I’m sure she was always proud of you, even up to the day she died . ”

I smiled weakly . Indeed, though my mother was unnaturally strict with me, I would never forget the expression on her face when she spoke of me . She was proud and satisfied, and indeed, I had never hated or resented her in any way . She had given me everything and I was immensely grateful to her .

The only thing that I couldn’t let go of was guilt .

My feelings towards ballet were strange and conflicting . I still couldn’t face myself in the mirror . These memories were confusing, like stepping on air . I didn’t want to remember more .

I was a little scared of ballet . I was scared that it would drag me back to that dead-end alleyway . I was afraid that through ballet, I would transform into someone I didn’t recognize .

“Does ballet’s achievements conflict with life’s peacefulness?” I was confused and couldn’t find the answer . Ballet gave me what I had longed for, but it also gave me pressure and loneliness . “Is it necessary to sacrifice your normal, peaceful life in order to receive appreciation and success in the arts?”

Yin Li contemplated for a moment before seriously replying, “I will find the answer for you . ”