Yin Lin contacted me one week later. “Yan Xiao, this afternoon I’m bringing someone over to see you. I think you’ll want to meet her.”

Ever since I slowly recovered my memories, I was trying to run away from it all. I didn’t want to see en pointe shoes, let alone practice ballet. I was even afraid of hearing cla.s.sical music. I just wanted to let everything go, shrink back into my sh.e.l.l, and not think about the future.

However, I was shocked when I saw the person Yin Li brought over.

“This is Miss Shu Lang,” Yin Li smiled as he introduced her.

Shu Lang stood to shake my hand. I had always known of her. She had gone abroad at a young age. Given that she was born into a poor family, to be able to go abroad for ballet was a miracle. But she had persisted to realize that miracle. After performing in Europe, she received an invitation to join the San Francis...o...b..llet troupe. At the time, this was an honor for an Asian. Perhaps she kept too low of a profile because all these years, I rarely heard her name. 

“I’ve heard my mother mention you. She used to dance with you.” I squeezed my voice out. It wasn’t just that. My mother wanted me to see Shu Lang as a role model. She had always told me stories of Shu Lang—how Shu Lang gave her youth for ballet, how she practiced 10 hours every day, and how she gritted her teeth and persevered. My mother was jealous of her.

Growing up, the name “Shu Lang”was ever present. I had never met her but it was like I had known her—this strong, determined woman—all my life.

Yin Li seemed to have told her my background. She smiled in understanding. “Thank you. I also miss your mother. We were so young back then.” She then lowered her gaze. “I just never thought that she would die so young… Sorry, it also makes me sad.” Reminiscing the past was painful but she never forgot to smile at me apologetically. Her demeanor was graceful and magnanimous. Though she should have been around 50 years old, she still seemed tall and slender, and she still carried herself well.

As she stood, I saw the little boy sticking close to her side. He was observing me with shy yet curious eyes.

Shu Lang followed my gaze and glanced at him. She rubbed his head and lovingly said, “This is my grandson Ning Bao. My daughter and her husband are out of the house, so I’m looking after him. This child likes sticking close to me so I brought him along.”

The boy named Ning Bao smiled at me. His features were defined and he looked very much like Shu Lang. He clearly wasn’t adopted, and he seemed about 4 or 5 years old.

By this logic, Shu Lang must have married very young. This had me in disbelief.

Mother had told me that Shu Lang only loved dancing. Shu Lang was someone without desires and only wanted to give her life for ballet. Given her talent and the opportunities available, if she had persisted there would have been no limits on her future, whether that future be in China or internationally.

“I married at 21 and had a child at 22,” Shu Lang saw my doubts and calmly explained. “It was a girl. After marriage, I still danced but only for fun. After I gave birth, my body’s condition wasn’t at its peak and I stepped down from being princ.i.p.al dancer. But I still danced. Sometimes it would be the corps de ballet, other times I would do ch.o.r.eography. I didn’t care. Dance made me happy.”

She spoke lightly and casually. It wasn’t like she was talking about her profession at all.   

I felt a mixture of emotions welling up in my chest but in the end, I only asked one question. “Do you regret it?”

Shu Lang smiled. “No, I never regretted it because I never gave up on either ballet or having my own life.” Then she looked meaningfully at Yin Li and me. “Mr. Yin, may you allow me to talk with Ms. Yan one-on-one?”

Yin Li didn’t expect this but still nodded and respectfully left.

Shu Lang winked and smiled. She had a profound look in her eyes. “I know what he invited me here for. He doesn’t want you to give up ballet. But he also wants you to marry him and have children with him.”

In the face of her sudden honesty, I didn’t know what to say or how to act.

“Don’t mind.” She sipped some tea. “And don’t give me that pitiful look. When I was young, I did give up a lot for ballet. I also enjoyed that feeling of striving for something. Even looking back from today, I don’t believe it was in vain. I worked hard when it was called for. In the end, I stood at the top of my profession and carved a place for myself in everyone’s memories.

“It’s true. Many ballet dancers do give up motherhood for the sake of the profession. Even I thought of having an abortion. When I was young, I fell in love with a man and I unexpectedly became pregnant. It was only when I could hide my belly no longer that I told him. Before that point, I was conflicted on whether I really wanted this child or not.

“I went through the same struggles you currently are facing. Do I choose ballet or my personal life? Even at the riskiest stage of the pregnancy, I still practiced ballet. I was torturing myself. I thought, ‘If I fall during practice and lose the child, then that would be her fate.’ But the feeling was different. As the child grew and our bond grew closer, I seemed to have heard the beat of a different life in Tchaikovsky’s music.

“I became clumsy. Sometimes, performing simple movements became difficult. But once I calmed my heart and followed the flowing music, I felt fortunate. It was like I saw a whole new world. My dance changed. I was able to dance with dignity and grandeur unlike before.” Shu Lang looked happy in the middle of reminiscing. “I could only dance like that because I was pregnant.

“That’s why I decided to give birth to my child. I gave her life, and she gave me a new understanding of life.”

“So what you’re saying is that having a child helped you gain a deeper understanding of ballet?” I was doubtful.

Shu Lang rubbed her grandson’s head. “To be honest, even when I was 7 months pregnant, I was still dancing in the pregnant women’s ballet cla.s.s and performed with all the other expecting mothers on stage. You are still young. You will not understand that feeling of being on stage with your baby. You aren’t just embracing your own beautiful movements but also embracing a new life. It’s the feeling of your love for the arts and your love for life melding into one.”

When Shu Lang said this, she lowered her head and her expression was extremely warm.

“The cartoons will be broadcasting soon. I have to bring Ning Bao back.” Shu Lang lifted her head and looked at me with a gentle expression. “I hope that today’s conversation helps you. The more you experience, the more you should dance. Only that way can your dance evolve. We are ballet dancers and we do not fear pain.”

Even after Shu Lang had left, I still stood fixed in placed. When Yin Li called me, I was still out of it.

He didn’t expect that this conversation would take this long and was a bit worried. “Yan Xiao, are you feeling better?”

“I don’t know what Shu Lang said to you. She has a weird temperament. I sought her out initially because you two had a similar background. But if she spouted random gibberish, then just ignore it.” Yin Li was probably anxious, and his words sounded fl.u.s.tered. “After all, you two aren’t the same person. You’re unique.”

The man in front of me was handsome, tall, and full of spirit. Yet he bent down and said such soft words to me. He even seemed a little clumsy. I thought of what Shu Lang had said right before she left. She had said, “As I get older, I don’t like socializing as much. If it weren’t for Yin Li putting in so much effort and patiently narrating Hans Christian Andersen stories to Ning Bao, I wouldn’t have come to see you.”

She had said, “He loves you.”

I leaned over to peck Yin Li’s cheek.  Then I looked in Yin Li’s eyes and enunciated, “I want to dance. I want to return to the stage with a newfound understanding. But I will not toss you aside.”

I saw the light in Yin Li’s eyes, which lit up like the sun.

I loved him too.

Ballet and my own life… I wanted both.

Niang Niang: Candle is swamped with real-life obligations so here I am taking over!

I just checked but we started this series on July 4, 2018. Whew! It’s been over a year. Yours truly is working very hard to wrap this series up.

Six more chapters!

I was thinking that after we finished this, I might dish out on fancy, burn-hole-through-my-wallet orchestra seats and go with Candle to see a ballet.