I actually did remember the first time I met Yin Li . After our trip to Mexico, I had already regained that memory . It’s just that I didn’t want to say .

It was a day in autumn . The climate had been changing rapidly . After a bout of rain, it suddenly became a lot colder . My mother had been invited to Germany by a friend, so I was left alone in Paris .  

At that time in ballet school, we were confined to our practice rooms . I didn’t have any way to buy thicker winter clothes . The other girls all had relatives to send over warm coats . Only Yin Xuan and I didn’t . Yin Xuan had come alone to Paris to pursue ballet, and she didn’t have any relatives here either .

Every time I saw her thin clothes, I don’t know why, but I felt comforted . I wasn’t alone .

However, this illusion was quickly broken . One afternoon, she came in wearing a thick, expensive overcoat .   That was the first time I knew she had money and a brother who loved her .

“Oh, Yin Xuan? She’s from the Yin family . Yin Li is her brother . I saw him yesterday . He was so handsome and kind . When he saw Yin Xuan, he wrapped a scarf around her . Just now I saw him at the practice studio . It seems like he’s waiting for her to finish practicing before taking her out to eat . ”

Then, I saw Yin Li . He really was a handsome young man . His expression was a bit cold . Yin Xuan walked over with a skip in her step and his face couldn’t help but blossom into a smile that could melt ice and snow . I saw him stretch his hand out to rub Yin Xuan’s nose . Yin Xuan laughed and hooked her arm around his elbow . Under his doting, indulgent gaze, she laughed and talked the whole way out .  

That was the first time I knew what jealousy felt like .

Before, no matter how glamorous the events Yin Xuan attended, I remained indifferent and steeled myself into numbness . I gave up a social life, and thus had stronger ballet skills . But once I saw her family and how loved she was, my heart was poisoned by jealousy .  

After that, Yin Li appeared constantly . Sometimes he would look at Yin Xuan dance with the most doting expression . Other times he would quietly listen to her grumble and complain . Every time he appeared, the female ballet students would flush red to the tips of their ears and itched to chat him up .

Even according to Western standards of beauty, he was a tall, handsome man, with the exotic bearing that Westerners love .

It was only till one day, during dusk, that I encountered Yin Li . I was still wearing my practice outfit and shoes . I walked through the hallway and saw Yin Li standing in the lounge . He was probably a bit tired of waiting and came out to get some air . I then saw him light a cigarette . The last rays of the sun were cast upon his body, and he looked out the window pensively .

He had a beautiful pair of eyes .

I don’t know what came over me in that moment, but I found myself walking towards the lounge . Yin Li heard a sound and turned his head . He heedlessly threw me a glance . I gritted my teeth, mustered my courage, and leaped lightly in front of him .

With a harsh demeanor, I s.n.a.t.c.hed the cigarette from his mouth . He stared at me in shock .

“Monsieur, this entire area is a no-smoking zone,” I said in French, directing a provoking look at him . I threw his cigarette on the ground, and then crushed it under my foot .  

If my mother had seen me then, she would have gone mad . She had spent so many years painstakingly instilling in me the grace and elegance of a refined lady . She would have never thought that I would use such an unbridled, impolite method to chide a smoker .

I knew this departed from what I was taught . But in that moment, my heart was devilishly overjoyed . I was like a freed demon, evil yet merry .

I shouldn’t have treated Yin Li that way, but I resented his sister out of jealousy . My resentment was so strong that I even resented him . I couldn’t help myself . I just wanted to treat him this way .

Yet Yin Li maintained his good bearing . Seeing the crushed cigarette, he merely smiled at me .

“Sorry, I didn’t know . Thank you for correcting me,” He replied in French . Surprisingly, his French was like a native’s . My feelings were only exacerbated .

“You’re very fluent in French . ” I lifted my chin in arrogance, yet I was silently astonished that I was still talking to him .

Yin Li stared at me for a while . “Thank you . ” Then, he called out to me just as I turned and was about to leave . “You are the only dancer I’ve seen who has such a stiff face . The other girls are clearly lively and laugh a lot . Although ballet is an elegant art, if you emphasize that elegance too much, you’ll seem too arrogant . Dancers should have a little down-to-earth quality to them, so that they can better connect with their audience while still being graceful .

“Miss, you should smile more . ” Then he straightened, walked over, and questioned, “What’s your name? Su Rui? I remember Yin Xuan telling me that Su Rui was a French-born Chinese who spoke French better than Mandarin . Yin Xuan seemed close to her . My sister keeps reminding me to remember her friends’ names . ” As he said this, his expression was quite sheepish .

I naturally didn’t want Yin Xuan to know of this matter and blurted out, “No, I’m not Su Rui . My last name is Yan . ” Then I turned and left without looking back .

I clearly remember how I felt at that time . I was so nervous . It was as if I had done some shameful, horrible thing . But a part of me was still happy I lied and didn’t get caught . Even after I returned to practice, I felt like I was stepping on clouds . I felt so light that I couldn’t even tell a dream from reality .

Only until a few years later would fate have me meet Yin Li again in such a manner . He thought I couldn’t remember how we first met . Those memories might have been locked away by the amnesia or it might have been so trivial that it wasn’t worth remembering in the first place . I didn’t tell him, but I remembered . Back then, I also thought that it was such a trivial occurrence that Yin Li wouldn’t remember it either and quickly forget that such a thing happened . But when he met me again, he named me Yan Xiao, meaning “to smile” . So he still remembered .

We both lie in each other’s memories . We were engraved in those memories for so many years . Only until we understood the rhythm of time did we both rouse each other’s memories up .

But I didn’t plan on saying on this . I didn’t plan on telling either Yin Xuan or Yin Li . This was my secret, and love needs to have its secrets .

All these memories flashed by in an instant . Yin Xuan was sitting quietly in front of me and I told her, “Your life was never worse than mine . Quite the opposite . When you were envious of others lives, your own life was also a source of envy for others . You should not give up on ballet . You are more suited for it than I . If you just waste your life away like this you’ll only be a loser . ”

Yin Xuan seemed to have been moved by my words but she still seemed to struggle to grasp them . “But what about my brother? Ever since my brother had you by his side, he clearly treated me more coldly . I can’t accept that . I didn’t even object to you two being together . But he’s recently so busy with your matters . He doesn’t show any concern for me . If he came knocking on my door every day, there’s no way I would refuse him every time . ”

She still spoke like a spoiled child .

“Your brother loved you from the very start . You are his only sister . No one can take your place in his heart . Besides being busy with my exhibition, do you know how hard he’s working to get you a spot in the compet.i.tion?” I looked down at the floor . “Moreover, everyone has their own life . You can’t be with Yin Li forever . He’s already cherished you dearly for twenty years . I’m just taking a little bit of that love away, and that’s all I ask for .  

“I can only say this much . Even though your body has changed, you know better than I that the moment you pick up your ballet shoes, there’s nothing in the world that can stop you .

“I’m sincerely inviting you to dance with me . I didn’t treat you fairly before, and I had even resented you . You were like me, and that’s why we were both punished . But now we can both be better people . We can communicate with ballet and perhaps even because of that, help each other and improve . I imagine this is also what Yin Li wants . He loves me, and I love him just as much . If we can’t make up, he’s sure to be the one who suffers the most . ”

Yin Xuan bit her lip and glared at me . “Fine, I’ll go . Since you once said that you pushed yourself hard to lose weight and exercise to return to the stage, I’m sure I can do it too . Just to be clear, it’s not for you . I’m doing it for my brother . As for myself, you were right . I’m not worse than you . Also, with your car accident, the condition of your legs can’t be better than mine . If even you don’t give up, why should I?”

The day of the exhibition was drawing close . I gave Yin Xuan the program schedule . Once I saw that she had recovered her energy, I left . She sat on the sofa, not bothering to send me to the door . But once I opened the door to leave, I thought I heard her quietly say thanks .