"You don"t know either, do you?"

"I know enough to know how to behave."

"Is that it? Is that all it is?"

"Is that all what is?"

"Oh shoot! Where the grown people? Is it us?"

"Oh, Mama." Alice Manfred blurted it out and then covered her mouth.

Violet had the same thought: Mama. Mama? Is this where you got to and couldn"t do it no more? The place of shade without trees where you know you are not and never again will be loved by anybody who can choose to do it? Where everything is over but the talking?

They looked away from each other then. The silence went on and on until Alice Manfred said, "Give me that coat. I can"t look at that lining another minute."

Violet stood up and took off her coat, carefully pulling her arms trapped in frayed silk. Then she sat down and watched the seamstress go to work.

"All I could think of was to step out on him like he did me."

"Fool," said Alice and broke the thread.

"Couldn"t name him if my life depended on it."

"Bet he can name you."

"Let him."

"What did you think that was going to solve?"

Violet didn"t answer.

"Did it get you your husband"s attention?"

"No."

"Open my niece"s grave?"

"No."

"Do I have to say it again?"

"Fool? No. No, but tell me, I mean, listen. Everybody I grew up with is down home. We don"t have children. He"s what I got. He"s what I got."

"Doesn"t look so," said Alice. Her st.i.tches were invisible to the eye.

Late in March, sitting in Duggie"s drugstore, Violet played with a spoon, recalling the visit she had paid to Alice that morning. She had come early. Ch.o.r.e time and Violet wasn"t doing any.

"It"s different from what I thought," she said. "Different."

Violet meant twenty years of life in a City better than perfect, but Alice did not ask her what she meant. Did not ask her whether the City, with its streets all laid out, aroused jealousy too late for anything but foolishness. Or if it was the City that produced a crooked kind of mourning for a rival young enough to be a daughter.

They had been talking about prost.i.tutes and fighting women-Alice nettled; Violet indifferent. Then silence while Violet drank tea and listened to the hissing iron. By this time the women had become so easy with each other talk wasn"t always necessary. Alice ironed and Violet watched. From time to time one murmured something-to herself or to the other.

"I used to love that stuff," said Violet.

Alice smiled, knowing without looking up that Violet meant the starch. "Me too," she said. "Drove my husband crazy."

"Is it the crunch? Couldn"t be the taste."

Alice shrugged. "Only the body knows."

The iron hissed at the damp fabric. Violet leaned her cheek on her palm. "You iron like my grandmother. Yoke last."

"That"s the test of a first-cla.s.s ironing."

"Some do it yoke first."

"And have to do it over. I hate a lazy ironing."

"Where you learn to sew like that?"

"They kept us children busy. Idle hands, you know."

"We picked cotton, chopped wood, plowed. I never knew what it was to fold my hands. This here is as close as I ever been to watching my hands do nothing."

Eating starch, choosing when to tackle the yoke, sewing, picking, cooking, chopping. Violet thought about it all and sighed. "I thought it would be bigger than this. I knew it wouldn"t last, but I did think it"d be bigger."

Alice refolded the cloth around the handle of the pressing iron. "He"ll do it again, you know. And again and again and again."

"In that case I"d better throw him out now."

"Then what?"

Violet shook her head. "Watch the floorboards, I guess."

"You want a real thing?" asked Alice. "I"ll tell you a real one. You got anything left to you to love, anything at all, do it."

Violet raised her head. "And when he does it again? Don"t mind what people think?"

"Mind what"s left to you."

"You saying take it? Don"t fight?"

Alice put down her iron, hard. "Fight what, who? Some mishandled child who saw her parents burn up? Who knew better than you or me or anybody just how small and quick this little bitty life is? Or maybe you want to stomp somebody with three kids and one pair of shoes. Somebody in a raggedy dress, the hem dragging in the mud. Somebody wanting arms just like you do and you want to go over there and hold her but her dress is muddy at the hem and the people standing around wouldn"t understand how could anybody"s eyes go so flat, how could they? n.o.body"s asking you to take it. I"m sayin make it, make it!"

It took her a moment to notice that Violet was staring. Following her gaze Alice lifted the iron and saw what Violet saw: the black and smoking ship burned clear through the yoke.

"s.h.i.t!" Alice shouted. "Oh, s.h.i.t!"

Violet was the first to smile. Then Alice. In no time laughter was rocking them both. Violet was reminded of True Belle, who entered the single room of their cabin and laughed to beat the band. They were hunched like mice near a can fire, not even a stove, on the floor, hungry and irritable. True Belle looked at them and had to lean against the wall to keep her laughter from pulling her down to the floor with them. They should have hated her. Gotten up from the floor and hated her. But what they felt was better. Not beaten, not lost. Better. They laughed too, even Rose Dear shook her head and smiled, and suddenly the world was right side up. Violet learned then what she had forgotten until this moment: that laughter is serious. More complicated, more serious than tears.

Crumpled over, shoulders shaking, Violet thought about now she must have looked at the funeral, at what her mission was. The sight of herself trying to do something bluesy, something hep, fumbling the knife, too late anyway... She laughed till she coughed and Alice had to make them both a cup of settling tea.

Committed as Violet was to hip development, even she couldn"t drink the remaining malt-watery, warm and flat-tasting. She b.u.t.toned her coat and left the drugstore and noticed, at the same moment as that Violet did, that it was spring. In the City.

And when spring comes to the City people notice one another in the road; notice the strangers with whom they share aisles and tables and the s.p.a.ce where intimate garments are laundered. Going in and out, in and out the same door, they handle the handle; on trolleys and park benches they settle thighs on a seat in which hundreds have done it too. Copper coins dropped in the palm have been swallowed by children and tested by gypsies, but it"s still money and people smile at that. It"s the time of year when the City urges contradiction most, encouraging you to buy street food when you have no appet.i.te at all; giving you a taste for a single room occupied by you alone as well as a craving to share it with someone you pa.s.sed in the street. Really there is no contradiction-rather it"s a condition: the range of what an artful City can do. What can beat bricks warming up to the sun? The return of awnings. The removal of blankets from horses" backs. Tar softens under the heel and the darkness under bridges changes from gloom to cooling shade. After a light rain, when the leaves have come, tree limbs are like wet fingers playing in woolly green hair. Motor cars become black jet boxes gliding behind hoodlights weakened by mist. On sidewalks turned to satin figures move shoulder first, the crowns of their heads angled shields against the light buckshot that the raindrops are. The faces of children glimpsed at windows appear to be crying, but it is the gla.s.s pane dripping that makes it seem so.

In the spring of 1926, on a rainy afternoon, anybody pa.s.sing through the alley next to a certain apartment house on Lenox might have looked up and seen, not a child but a grown man"s face crying along with the gla.s.s pane. A strange sight you hardly ever see: men crying so openly. It"s not a thing they do. Strange as it was, people finally got used to him, wiping his face and nose with an engineer"s red handkerchief while he sat month after month by the window without view or on the stoop, first in the snow and later in the sun. I"d say Violet washed and ironed those handkerchiefs because, crazy as she was, raggedy as she became, she couldn"t abide dirty laundry. But it tired everybody out waiting to see what else Violet would do besides try to kill a dead girl and keep her husband in tidy handkerchiefs. My own opinion was that one day she would stack up those handkerchiefs, take them to the dresser drawer, tuck them in and then go light his hair with a matchstick. She didn"t but maybe that would have been better than what she did do. Meaning to or not meaning to, she got him to go through it again-at springtime when it"s clearer then than as at no other time that citylife is streetlife.

Blind men thrum and hum in the soft air as they inch steadily down the walk. They don"t want to stand near and compete with the old uncles positioning themselves in the middle of the block to play a six-string guitar.

Blues man. Black and bluesman. Blacktherefore blue man.

Everybody knows your name.

Where-did-she-go-and-why man. So-lonesome-I-could-die man.

Everybody knows your name.

The singer is hard to miss, sitting as he does on a fruit crate in the center of the sidewalk. His peg leg is stretched out comfy; his real one is carrying both the beat and the guitar"s weight. Joe probably thinks that the song is about him. He"d like believing it. I know him so well. Have seen him feed small animals n.o.body else paid any attention to, but I was never deceived. I remember the way he used to fix his hat when he left the apartment building; how he moved it forward and a bit to the left. Whether stooping to remove a pile of horse flop or sauntering off to his sw.a.n.k hotel, his hat had to be just so. Not a tilt exactly, but a definite slant, you could say. The sweater under his suit jacket would be b.u.t.toned all the way up, but I know his thoughts are not-they are loose. He cuts his eyes over to the sweetbacks lounging on the corner. There is something they have he wants. Very little in his case of Cleopatra is something men would want to buy-except for aftershave dusting powder, most of it is for women. Women he can get to talk to, look at, flirt with and who knows what else is on his mind? And if she gives him more than the time of day with a look, the watching eyes of the sweetbacks are more satisfying than hers.

Or else he feels sorry about himself for being faithful in the first place. And if that virtue is unappreciated, and n.o.body jumps up to congratulate him on it, his self-pity turns to resentment which he has trouble understanding but no trouble focusing on the young sheiks, radiant and brutal, standing on street corners. Look out. Look out for a faithful man near fifty. Because he has never messed with another woman; because he selected that young girl to love, he thinks he is free. Not free to break loaves or feed the world on a fish. Nor to raise the war dead, but free to do something wild.

Take my word for it, he is bound to the track. It pulls him like a needle through the groove of a Bluebird record. Round and round about the town. That"s the way the City spins you. Makes you do what it wants, go where the laid-out roads say to. All the while letting you think you"re free; that you can jump into thickets because you feel like it. There are no thickets here and if mowed gra.s.s is okay to walk on the City will let you know. You can"t get off the track a City lays for you. Whatever happens, whether you get rich or stay poor, ruin your health or live to old age, you always end up back where you started: hungry for the one thing everybody loses-young loving.

That was Dorcas, all right. Young but wise. She was Joe"s personal sweet-like candy. It was the best thing, if you were young and had just got to the City. That and the clarinets and even they were called licorice sticks. But Joe has been in the City twenty years and isn"t young anymore. I imagine him as one of those men who stop somewhere around sixteen. Inside. So even though he wears b.u.t.ton-up-the-front sweaters and round-toed shoes, he"s a kid, a strapling, and candy could still make him smile. He likes those peppermint things last the live-long day, and thinks everybody else does too. Pa.s.ses them out to Gistan"s boys clowning on the curb. You could tell they"d rather chocolate or something with peanuts.

Makes me wonder about Joe. All those good things he gets from the Windemere, and he pays almost as much money for stale and sticky peppermint as he does for the room he rents to f.u.c.k in. Where his private candy box opens for him.

Rat. No wonder it ended the way it did. But it didn"t have to, and if he had stopped trailing that little fast thing all over town long enough to tell Stuck or Gistan or some neighbor who might be interested, who knows how it would go?

"It"s not a thing you tell to another man. I know most men can"t wait to tell each other about what they got going on the side. Put all their business in the street. They do it because the woman don"t matter all that much and they don"t care what folks think about her. The most I did was halfway tell Malvonne and there was no way not to. But tell another man? No. Anyhow Gistan would just laugh and try to get out of hearing it. Stuck would look at his feet, swear I"d been fixed and tell me how much high john I need to remedy myself. Neither one of them I"d talk to about her. It"s not a thing you tell except maybe to a tight friend, somebody you knew from before, long time ago like Victory, but even if I had the chance I don"t believe I could have told him and if I couldn"t tell Victory it was because I couldn"t tell myself because I didn"t know all about it. All I know is I saw her buying candy and the whole thing was sweet. Not just the candy-the whole thing and picture of it. Candy"s something you lick, suck on, and then swallow and it"s gone. No. This was something else. More like blue water and white flowers, and sugar in the air. I needed to be there, where it was all mixed up together just right, and where that was, was Dorcas.

"When I got to the apartment I had no name to put to the face I"d seen in the drugstore, and her face wasn"t on my mind right then. But she opened the door, opened it right up to me. I smelled pound cake and disguised chicken. The women gathered around and I showed them what I had while they laughed and did the things women do: flicked lint off my jacket, pressed me on the shoulder to make me sit down. It"s a way they have of mending you, fixing what they think needs repair.

"She didn"t give me a look or say anything. But I knew where she was standing and how, every minute. She leaned her hip on the back of a chair in the parlor, while the women streamed out of the dining room to mend me and joke me. Then somebody called out her name. Dorcas. I didn"t hear much else, but I stayed there and showed them all my stuff, smiling, not selling but letting them sell themselves.

"I sell trust; I make things easy. That"s the best way. Never push. Like at the Windemere when I wait tables. I"m there but only if you want me. Or when I work the rooms, bringing up the whiskey hidden so it looks like coffee. Just there when you need me and right on time. You get to know the woman who wants four gla.s.ses of something, but doesn"t want to ask four times; so you wait till her gla.s.s is two-thirds down and fill it up again. That way, she"s drinking one gla.s.s while he is buying four. The quiet money whispers twice: once when I slide it in my pocket; once when I slide it out.

"I was prepared to wait, to have her ignore me. I didn"t have a plan and couldn"t have carried it out if I did. I felt dizzy with a lightheadedness I thought came from the heavy lemon flavoring, the face powder and that light woman-sweat. Salty. Not bitter like a man"s is. I don"t know to this day what made me speak to her on the way out the door.

"I can conjure what people say. That I treated Violet like a piece of furniture you favor although it needed something every day to keep it steady and upright. I don"t know. But since Victory, I never got too close to anybody. Gistan and Stuck, we close, but not like it is with somebody knew you from when you was born and you got to manhood at the same time. I would have told Victory how it was. Gistan, Stuck, whatever I said to them would be something near, but not the way it really was. I couldn"t talk to anybody but Dorcas and I told her things I hadn"t told myself. With her I was fresh, new again. Before I met her I"d changed into new seven times. The first time was when I named my own self, since n.o.body did it for me, since n.o.body knew what it could or should have been.

"I was born and raised in Vesper County, Virginia, in 1873. Little place called Vienna. Rhoda and Frank Williams took me in right away and raised me along with six of their own. Her last child was three months old when Mrs. Rhoda took me in, and me and him were closer than many brothers I"ve seen. Victory was his name. Victory Williams. Mrs. Rhoda named me Joseph after her father, but neither she nor Mr. Frank either thought to give me a last name. She never pretended I was her natural child. When she parceled out ch.o.r.es or favors she"d say, "You are just like my own." That "like" I guess it was made me ask her-I don"t believe I was three yet-where my real parents were. She looked down at me, over her shoulder, and gave me the sweetest smile, but sad someway, and told me, O honey, they disappeared without a trace. The way I heard it I understood her to mean the "trace" they disappeared without was me.

"The first day I got to school I had to have two names. I told the teacher Joseph Trace. Victory turned his whole self around in the seat.

""Why you tell her that?" he asked me.

""I don"t know," I said. "Cause."

""Mama be mad. Pappy too."

"We were outside in the school yard. It was nice, packed dirt but a lot of nails and things were in it. Both of us barefoot. I was struggling to pick a bit of gla.s.s from the sole of my foot, so I didn"t have to look up at him. "No they won"t," I said. "Your mama ain"t my mama."

""If she ain"t, who is?"

""Another woman. She be back. She coming back for me. My daddy too." That was the first time I knew I thought that, or wished it.

"Victory said, "They know where they left you. They come back to our place. Williams place is where they know you at." He was trying to walk double-jointed like his sister. She was good at it and bragged so much Victory practiced every chance he got. I remember his shadow darting in the dirt in front of me. "They know you at Williams place, Williams is what you ought to call yourself."

"I said, "They got to pick me out. From all of you all, they got to pick me. I"m Trace, what they went off without."

""Ain"t that a b.i.t.c.h?"

"Victory laughed at me and wrapped his arm around my neck wra.s.sling me to the ground. I don"t know what happened to the speck of gla.s.s. I never did get it out. And n.o.body came looking for me either. I never knew my own daddy. And my mother, well, I heard a woman in the hotel dining room say the confoundest thing. She was talking to two other women while I poured the coffee. "I am bad for my children," she said. "I don"t mean to be, but there is something in me that makes it so. I"m a good mother but they do better away from me; as long as they"re by my side nothing good can come to them. The ones that leave seem to flower; the ones that stay have such a hard time. You can imagine how bad I feel knowing that, can"t you?"

"I had to sneak a look at her. It took strength to say that. Admit that.

"The second change came when I was picked out and trained to be a man. To live independent and feed myself no matter what. I didn"t miss having a daddy because first off there was Mr. Frank. Steady as a rock, and showed no difference among any of us children. But the big thing was, I was picked, Victory too, by the best man in Vesper County to go hunting with. Talk about proud-making. He was the best in the county and he picked me and Victory to teach and hunt with. He was so good they say he just carried the rifle for the h.e.l.l of it because he knew way before what the prey would do, how to fool snakes, bend twigs and string to catch rabbits, groundhog; make a sound waterfowl couldn"t resist. Whitefolks said he was a witch doctor, but they said that so they wouldn"t have to say he was smart. A hunter"s hunter, that"s what he was. Smart as they come. Taught me two lessons I lived by all my life. One was the secret of kindness from whitepeople-they had to pity a thing before they could like it. The other-well, I forgot it.

"It was because of him, what I learned from him, made me more comfortable in the woods than in a town. I"d get nervous if a fence or a rail was anywhere around. Folks thought I was the one to be counted on never to be able to stomach a city. Piled-up buildings? Cement paths? Me? Not me.

"Eighteen ninety-three was the third time I changed. That was when Vienna burned to the ground. Red fire doing fast what white sheets took too long to finish: canceling every deed; vacating each and every field; emptying us out of our places so fast we went running from one part of the county to another-or nowhere. I walked and worked, worked and walked, me and Victory, fifteen miles to Palestine. That"s where I met Violet. We got married and set up on Harlon Ricks" place near Tyrell. He owned the worst land in the county. Violet and me worked his crops for two years. When the soil ran out, when rocks was the biggest harvest, we ate what I shot. Then old man Ricks got fed up and sold the place along with our debt to a man called Clayton Bede. The debt rose from one hundred eighty dollars to eight hundred under him. Interest, he said, and all the fertilizer and stuff we got from the general store-things he paid for-the prices, he said, went up. Violet had to tend our place and walk the plow on his too, while I went from Bear to Crossland to Goshen working. Slash pine some of the time, sawmill most of it. Took us five years, but we did it.

"Then I got a job laying rail for the Southern Sky. I was twenty-eight years old and used to changing now, so in 1901, when Booker T. had a sandwich in the President"s house, I was bold enough to do it again: decided to buy me a piece of land. Like a fool I thought they"d let me keep it. They ran us off with two slips of paper I never saw nor signed.

"I changed up again the fourth time in 1906 when I took my wife to Rome, a depot near where she was born, and boarded the Southern Sky for a northern one. They moved us five times in four different cars to abide by the Jim Crow law.

"We lived in a railroad flat in the Tenderloin. Violet went in service and I worked everything from whitefolks shoe leather to cigars in a room where they read to us while we rolled tobacco. I cleaned fish at night and toilets in the day till I got in with the table waiters. And I thought I had settled into my permanent self, the fifth one, when we left the stink of Mulberry Street and Little Africa, then the flesh-eating rats on West Fifty-third and moved uptown.

"By then all the hogs and cows had disappeared, and what used to be little shacky farms nowhere near the size of the piece I tried to buy was more and more houses. Used to be a colored man could get shot at just walking around up there. They built row houses and single ones with big yards and vegetable gardens. Then, just before the War, whole blocks was let to colored. Nice. Not like downtown. These had five, six rooms; some had ten and if you could manage fifty, sixty dollars a month, you could have one. When we moved from 140th Street to a bigger place on Lenox, it was the light-skinned renters who tried to keep us out. Me and Violet fought them, just like they was whites. We won. Bad times had hit then, and landlords white and black fought over colored people for the high rents that was okay by us because we got to live in five rooms even if some of us rented out two. The buildings were like castles in pictures and we who had cleaned up everybody"s mess since the beginning knew better than anybody how to keep them nice. We had birds and plants everywhere, me and Violet. I gathered up the street droppings myself to fertilize them. And I made sure the front was as neat as the inside. I was doing hotel work by then. Better than waiting tables in a restaurant because in a hotel there"re more ways to get tips. Pay was light, but the tips dropped in my palm fast as pecans in November.

"When the rents got raised and raised again, and the stores doubled the price of uptown beef and let the whitefolks" meat stay the same, I got me a little sideline selling Cleopatra products in the neighborhood. What with Violet cutting out day work and just doing hair, we did fine.

"Then long come a summer in 1917 and after those whitemen took that pipe from around my head, I was brand new for sure because they almost killed me. Along with many a more. One of those whitemen had a heart and kept the others from finishing me right then and there.

"I don"t know exactly what started the riot. Could have been what the papers said, what the waiters I worked with said, or what Gistan said-that party, he said, where they sent out invitations to whites to come see a colored man burn alive. Gistan said thousands of whites turned up. Gistan said it sat on everybody"s chest, and if the killing hadn"t done it, something else would have. They were bringing in swarms of colored to work during the War. Crackers in the South mad cause Negroes were leaving; crackers in the North mad cause they were coming.

"I have seen some things in my time. In Virginia. Two of my stepbrothers. Hurt bad. Bad. Liked to kill Mrs. Rhoda. There was a girl, too. Visiting her folks up by Crossland. Just a girl. Anyway, up here if you bust out a hundred"ll bust right along with you.

"I saw some little boys running in the street. One fell down and didn"t get up right away, so I went over to him. That did it. Riot went on without me while me and Violet nursed my head. I survived it, though, and maybe that"s what made me change again for the seventh time two years later in 1919 when I walked all the way, every G.o.dd.a.m.n step of the way, with the three six nine. Can"t remember no time when I danced in the street but that one time when everybody did. I thought that change was the last, and it sure was the best because the War had come and gone and the colored troops of the three six nine that fought it made me so proud it split my heart in two. Gistan got me a job at another hotel where the tip was folding money more often than coin. I had it made. In 1925 we all had it made. Then Violet started sleeping with a doll in her arms. Too late. I understood in a way. In a way.

"Don"t get me wrong. This wasn"t Violet"s fault. All of it"s mine. All of it. I"ll never get over what I did to that girl. Never. I changed once too often. Made myself new one time too many. You could say I"ve been a new Negro all my life. But all I lived through, all I seen, and not one of those changes prepared me for her. For Dorcas. You would have thought I was twenty, back in Palestine satisfying my appet.i.te for the first time under a walnut tree.

"Surprised everybody when we left, me and Violet. They said the City makes you lonely, but since I"d been trained by the best woodsman ever, loneliness was a thing couldn"t get near me. Shoot. Country boy; country man. How did I know what an eighteen-year-old girl might instigate in a grown man whose wife is sleeping with a doll? Make me know a loneliness I never could imagine in a forest empty of people for fifteen miles, or on a riverbank with nothing but live bait for company. Convince me I never knew the sweet side of anything until I tasted her honey. They say snakes go blind for a while before they shed skin for the last time.

"She had long hair and bad skin. A quart of water twice a day would have cleared it right up, her skin, but I didn"t suggest it because I liked it like that. Little half moons cl.u.s.tered underneath her cheekbones, like faint hoofmarks. There and on her forehead. I bought the stuff she told me to, but glad none of it ever worked. Take my little hoof marks away? Leave me with no tracks at all? In this world the best thing, the only thing, is to find the trail and stick to it. I tracked my mother in Virginia and it led me right to her, and I tracked Dorcas from borough to borough. I didn"t even have to work at it. Didn"t even have to think. Something else takes over when the track begins to talk to you, give out its signs so strong you hardly have to look. If the track"s not talking to you, you might get up out of your chair to go buy two or three cigarettes, have the nickel in your pocket and just start walking, then running, and end up somewhere in Staten Island, for crying out loud, Long Island, maybe, staring at goats. But if the trail speaks, no matter what"s in the way, you can find yourself in a crowded room aiming a bullet at her heart, never mind it"s the heart you can"t live without.