If His Majesty saw me in this embarra.s.sing state, what would he say?

Trying to remember his master"s smile with a brain almost numb with exhaustion, a beauty who could earn a fortune with just a flirtatious glance has one arm thrust into a barrel filled with water as he watches the laundry spin around.

“Lady Anissina.”

“What?”

Günter raised a small voice in complaint to the female inventor who was standing by in a ‘scholarly’ way with her arms folded, making no effort to help at all.

"This is difficult."

"Of course. Tibby needs a bit of hard work."

"Um, just what country"s language is this "Tibby" from?"

"It"s an abbreviation for "To Invent Better, I use Your Body""

If you abbreviate it like that, it comes out ‘Tibyb.’ [1]

But I knew it, I knew it, I knew it – I"m a guinea pig! The reason Gwendal avoided his childhood friend was because he didn"t want to be experimented on. I can understand why he makes such a bitter face just from hearing her name if this is what he goes through all the time.

But it"s too late. Günter is now under her control.

"However, as far as I can see, I can"t imagine this being anything than just a machine that"s using my power to spin around the water and clothes... how is this a new invention?"

"In order for the cloth to not get tangled, I"ve put to use a theory of including an agitator. Although judging from your fatigue, it seems this totally automatic magic was.h.i.+ng machine uses too much demon power. In this age where we demons will conserve energy, it seems this..."

Her eyes flashed brightly.

"Is a failure!"

Not-Mad-Scientist-but-Mad-Magicalist Anissina von Karbelnikoff.

Please say that sooner.

I have no memory of it, but two times in the past I’ve put on display some awesome magic. Magic so strong, even Magi s.h.i.+rou would turn pale. [2]

The first time was related to rain, the second time was with bones. If that’s true, then that would make this common, first-year student from a prefectural high school a natural born magician. So then can’t I do something about this situation I’ve been cornered into?

While being forced into a camp-for-two out in the wilderness half a day away from Svelera’s capitol, I held my knees and muttered.

“If only I’d been taught some sort of spell or something…”

In the dry air and under the starlit sky, I figured I’d at least try chanting something, but the horse just got scared and ran away. We’ve advanced one step closer to total adversity. Gwendal only saw the horse off with a cold gaze and didn’t laugh or even try to run after it. He’s not surprised by stupid occurrences anymore.

The way to the capital was desert-like, but, with its rocks, cacti and dry gra.s.ses, it seemed more fit for cowboy hats than Lawrence of Arabia-type clothes. If I had to compare it to somewhere on Earth, I’d point at Arizona.

In the shade of a rock, we crouched down and lit a fire: that was the end of our camping preparations. We don’t have a tent or sleeping bags. We don’t have any curry with potatoes or a roaring camp fire either. After a dinner of dried meat and water, I laid down because I had nothing better to do. I haven’t spoken with anyone for a while. I feel like I’m going to forget how to talk soon.

Ah, the moon is blue, the stars are white. It’s cold even if I go right up next to the fire.

As I was starting to fall asleep – from the cold rather than drowsiness – I felt something itchy near my stomach. Thinking it was a scorpion or a rattlesnake, I reflexively jumped awake and above me...

“… ah…”

Gwendal was hovering over top of me.

We were both speechless.

Lowering my gaze slowly, I saw the eldest son’s fingers hooked on my belt.

No way!?

“Are even you thinking that I-I-I-I might be a girl and in order to check are unhooking, unhooking my-”

“Wait.”

“How can I just wait! Uwah this is an unbelievably huge shock! I’ve lived my life honestly for 16 years and then I come here and people think I’m a girl! Even though when I was in the boy’s bath on my school trip, I wasn’t that different from the average size!”

“Wait, calm down. I’m not doubting your gender and I don’t think you look like a girl.”

The gap between his eyes and eyebrows is larger than usual. It seems he’s a bit fl.u.s.tered.

“… That’s right, yeah? Whatever angle you look at me, I’m just a normal guy, right?”

“Yeah.”

“My face, my voice, the way I move, the way I talk and the way I eat are all masculine right?”

“Without a doubt.”

Since he’s not the type to be kind with his words, I guess I can believe in his affirmation. That’s a little comforting.

“… Then why were you trying to unfasten my belt..? Ah! Don’t tell me you’ve got the same hobbies as your little brother and were looking for a fight!?” [3]

“No!”

He waves his right hand in front of his face in a move unlike him. Of course, the movement lifts my left hand up and it gets waved around with the chain.

“Owowow, that hurts!”

“Ah, sorry.”

Timidly looking down, I saw that his long fingers weren’t holding my belt, but the swaying blue ornament.

“… Ah, I see. Bando-kun. You should have said so from the beginning.”

It seems this man with a deep ba.s.s voice and an aggressive face had an unexpected love for small and cute things. I’d only half believed it when I heard it, but judging from the interest he had for the dolphin keychain hanging from my belt buckle, it appears the information was true. When I unhook it and hold it out to him, the flame reflects off of the round blue eyes of the swimming mammal.

“I’ll give it to you.”

Gwendal softly grasps the acrylic as if he was receiving an expensive jewel.

“… Is that alright?”

“It’s fine. I don’t really like them anyway. I can never tell what they’re thinking.”

With those beady eyes, half-opened mouth, short body and heart shaped fins.

“What’s his name?”

“Bando-kun… or Eiji-kun.”

They’re even scarier in person.

“Hey.”

I called my travelling companion’s name as I looked up at the sky, thinking that now we won’t be like graffitti compared to the Pet.i.t Julien and we can have a talk on equal terms. Gwendal von Voltaire, the unlucky demon chained to me with handcuffs.

“Gwendal, I’ve been meaning to ask, but will Conrad and Wolfram and the soldiers all really able to get out of there? And even before that, how come I was the only one who could see the new-color-variation panda? And then, while I do feel it’s my fault we ended up in handcuffs, how come we haven’t even tried to break the chains with all these handy rocks along the way? If we really smash it, we might be able to do something.”

“You want me to answer all of that?”

“… If you can.”

Even though the gift put him in a better mood, I’m still a coward.

“Fine. Starting with the sand bear, I can’t say that we didn’t let our guard down. But in reality, sand bears don’t live in small sand dunes. Which means it’s possible that those humans in Svelera have forcibly placed them there on their country’s border in order to prevent travel back and forth. I can’t say exactly as to whether they’ve just been left there from the civil war or if they’re there to stop smuggling. Actually, a few years ago esoteric stones were discovered in Svelera. Thaumaturges from neighboring countries want them so bad they practically have arms coming out of their throats. Black market dealers wouldn’t let that opportunity pa.s.s them by. In order to prevent their precious esoteric stones from being taken out of the country, they’ve probably placed dangerous traps along the border.”

Even though pandas are an endangered species on Earth, they’re just part of a trap here.

“Furthermore, this land’s history of war is long. In other words, their thaumaturgy has been developed just as long.”

“Hey wait, what’s thaumaturgy? What’s the difference between magic and thaumaturgy?”

Probably because this is more suited to a teacher of some sort, the wrinkles between Gwendal’s eyes gathered together. But the effects of the dolphin are tremendous and he doesn’t attempt to end the conversation.

“Magic is an ability only the demons have. Magic power is determined by the quality of the soul you are born with, so ultimately only those with the soul of a demon can use it. Conversely, thaumaturgy is a technique those humans have received by praying to their G.o.ds. Even those born without talent or exorcism abilities can train themselves to be able to use it. Esoteric stones supplement people’s abilities and even those without any ability can use their power. Because there aren’t many countries where they’ve been discovered, they sell for quite a high price.” [4]

“So, in order to protect the outflow of those precious resources, they’ve laid traps along the border…”

“It seems so. As for why you were the only one who could see the sand bear, it’s likely because the deception of the thaumaturgy had no effect on you. I don’t know why, but maybe it’s because you’re naturally thickheaded.”

That might be true. Ever since I was a kid I’ve never been able to get hypnotized or have any sort of subliminal message work on me and in my school trip’s group photo, I was the only one who didn’t see the ghost.

“Also, there are esoteric stones imbedded in these handcuffs. Trying to smash them with a rock would just be a waste of energy. It might be possible on the soil of demon lands where there is much of the essence that obeys us, but in this dry human land, trying to defeat thaumaturgy is difficult.”

“No way, we can’t take these off? Then what are we gonna do!?”

I imagined the two of us together forever. We’d bathe together and sleep together. In sickness and in health – we’d even be p.i.s.s-buddies whenever we had to go to the bathroom. I can’t deal with that.

As he examined the keyring, Gwendal spoke in a low and subdued voice.

“I had intended to wait for Conrart and the others to catch up to us in that town back there, but now that this has happened we’ll head for the capitol. First we need to find a monk who can use thaumaturgy and get these annoying restraints cut off. Then we can deal with Gegenhuber and the Demon Flute.”

Seems like he doesn’t want to be p.i.s.s-buddies either.

“But judging from that, Conrad, Wolfram and the others are okay right? Because it sounds like you think it’s obvious we’re going to meet up.”

“If a soldier as skilled as he was killed by a sand bear, it would be a story for the ages.”

“That’s amazing. I’d definitely lose if I had to have a sumo match with a panda.”

“That’s why I pulled you out.”

Unable to deal with the fatigue and the cold, I pulled up my knees and curled into a ball and drowsiness immediately a.s.saulted me. I’ve become a bit more daring to sleep in the middle of Arizona. But that’s because there’s someone by my side. If I’d been alone, the fear would have thrown me into a panic.

“Hey.”

“What?”

“Come closer to conserve the heat.”

“… You don’t have to say it like having to do so is a misfortune.”

As is the ironclad rule at parties conducted while stranded, we sat with our shoulders together. The chains between us made a heavy sound.

“Hey.”

“What now?”

“Do you like animals? Like rabbits and cats.”

“… I hate orange rabbits. Cats are… well, I like lions… more than cats… the white ones. White lions.”

With that being the topic of the conversation right before I fell asleep, my dreams for that night were decided. [5]

When the sun was at its highest, we reached the capital as I sang Country Roads in short gasps. Even though we’re drenched in sweat from walking for half a day, there aren’t any welcome drinks or showers when we arrive. Even so, just being able to take that last step was fine. If this was me a few months ago, I would have given up along the way. I guess that means I’ve gotten some endurance. My gra.s.s-lot baseball spirit is exploding.

Just as we pa.s.sed through the gate, the weight of the chains returned. I didn’t really notice it on the way because it seems my companion was holding them for me.

Our fingers are so close, neither of us really knew anymore whether we were tied together with this unromantic chain or if we were just holding hands.

“It would be bad if people saw our chains, huh? They’ll think we’re fugitives.”

“Yeah.”

We skillfully wrapped our chains in a cloth so it looked like we had a bundle hanging between us. I heard a few whispers from a few girls pa.s.sing by.

“Look look! They’re carrying a package together! How pa.s.sionate! Oh, but you have to do stuff like that while you still can, right!”

Thank you for your nice reactions. But rather than doing stuff like this while I still can, this is the only time I will be doing this!

“Hey, doesn’t it look like we’re in a commercial for dishwas.h.i.+ng detergent?”

“I’ve never washed a dish.”

d.a.m.n bourgeois!

As may be expected of the heart of the country, the scale of the city is different than the town on the border. The royal palace towered in the south and the traffic of the people was intense. However, the ratio of soldiers was high. The women, children and elderly were left tending the stores as most of the men were soldiers. All of them had the military cut, but it seemed that the colors were different depending on their unit – red, yellow and light brown.

It looked like a conveyor belt of just ikura, sea urchin and tuna salad sus.h.i.+. Oh, now I’m kinda hungry.

Despite being the middle of the afternoon, the church with the pointed roof was deathly quiet. The tall doors were closed and locked from the inside. I saw the supposedly calm and collected Gwendal readying his long leg. Panicking, I matched his movements and the two of us kicked the door in at the same time.

At that moment, the gazes of everyone inside focused on us. They all froze up like mannequins.

Inside the church chapel, there were about a hundred people seated in attendance. On the other side of the straight course, a man and woman dressed in white and a priest stopped in their movements. He might be a pastor or a reverend.

“G-Gwen… they seem to be in the middle of a wedding…”

“That’s what it seems like. Should we leave?”

“Yeah we should.”

The bride looked gentle in her pure white, sleeveless dress. Because the veil was covering her face, I couldn’t see her look of surprise. Judging by the ikura sus.h.i.+ haircuts I’ve gotten used to seeing, I instantly knew the occupation of the bridegroom. We can’t get in the way of the young couple’s special day.

We take one step away.

“Perfect timing!”

That frivolous person raised their voice the moment our manacled group turned their backs.

“Let’s have this loving pair that has already gone ahead in life give us some words of blessing!”

Huh?

The hand of the elderly pastor-like man suddenly reached toward us and a clerk ran around the benches to hand us a megaphone in place of a mic. Having been swept along with the mood of the ceremony, the guests’ eyes are teary.

And the loving pair being asked to give a speech is us two.

“Loving pair!?”

What does ‘pair’ mean? The parakeets we had in preschool were a male and female set and we called them a pair. The attendees don’t think that we’re a couple bound together by handcuffs, do they? But since we seem to be carrying a bundle, they shouldn’t be able to see the chains.

“You’re pa.s.sionate enough to be holding hands, right? Please give some advice to these young people since you have gotten married one step ahead of them!”

“We’re not married!”

The eldest son and I said that in concert. The pastor exaggeratedly slumped his shoulders and the clerk with the megaphone put it right by our mouths.

“Then, what sort of relations.h.i.+p do you have?”

“This has been my younger brother’s fiancé from the start.”

“EH!?”

Strictly speaking, that’s a bit wrong. At the tall and beautiful brother’s answer, the place got noisy again for another reason.

“With his little brother’s fiancé… that’s all the more pa.s.sionate.”

“Wha!? N-no! That’s a mis-misunderstanding!”

I feel this is going in a bad direction. Besides, aren’t we both men!?... is the retort that I’ve gotten used to saying, but it doesn’t come out in time.

The bride who was hanging her head slowly raises her face to us. She has a small, unexciting figure. For her, this good day is a once in a lifetime occasion.

That special day shouldn’t be ruined by some guys who barged in like an unlucky accident. It’ll be unforgiveable if we turn around and escape, stepping all over their feelings.

“Um, well…”

It’s been a while since I used a serious voice and my adam’s apple gets stuck in nervousness.

“Well, the important thing in married life is something called ‘the three bags.’”

This is from my father’s repertoire of family gathering speeches. Unfortunately, I’m not sure about what comes after that. Gwendal pulls on my arm with a scowl.

“… The first is Baghdad, the second is your emergency bag, and then the third… is um, yeah, gloves which are bags for your hands.”

That’s weird, I feel like ‘mother’ was supposed to be in there somewhere. Maybe all three are wrong? [6]

“The third one, gloves, is the most important and you could also say you get slapped with them. Well, I guess you could say that it means that even the so-called fas.h.i.+onable domestic violence going around is hard to forgive…”

The church is completely silent in curiosity and suspense. The young bride holding the fake bouquet has turned her entire body to face us. We’re going to make them tired of waiting.

“But gloves are, uh it is said will not fit on another person…”

Everything I’m saying is 77% random words.

The work gloves I used at home come in a set of a dozen and are all identical. Ignoring modern j.a.pan’s consumer society, let’s make this into a ‘kinda cool story’ for here.

“So, what I’m saying is that after the wedding, the husband and wife will always be two parts of one whole.”

“… That’s right.”

“That’s right… huh?”

Echoing her, I accidentally said that in a girly voice. Who said that just now?

“That’s right, isn’t it? Once you’re together, you absolutely can’t be joined with another person. Gloves mean that, right?”

“Mm, uh yeah, except for work gloves.”

The bride lifted her head and threw away her veil and bouquet. Panicked, the pastor and clerk did a sort of diving catch. The next brides are you two!

She has tanned skin that looks a bit like wheat and a boyishly short cut. She also has large, resolute eyes of a reddish brown color and eyelashes so long they make her bangs move. Lifting up the hem of her pure white dress, she barrels down the stairs. The groom and the pastor are so astonished they don’t move.

“I was wrong.”

“Huh, about what?”

“Your words have made me realize it. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome… but about what?”

“I was about to get married to someone else.”

The elbow poking me in my side suddenly fell in exhaustion and Gwendal gave a low groan of defeat. I hadn’t intended to offend the people here by saying something uncalled for.

When she came to stand before us, someone from the attendees recovered from their shock.

“Hey, the bride is escaping!”

Well, using that, let’s escape too.

The moment I thought that…

“Please, take me with you.”

My free right hand was grabbed. Was my speech that touching?

“They’re kidnapping the bride!”

“Huh!?”

Escaping and kidnapping are completely different. If things keep going as they are, we’ll be made into real criminals.