September 27, 1937 I suppose subconsciously I knew that he was f.u.c.king Ulla but I wouldn"t admit it. Ever since that day I saw her pull his pants off to ma.s.sage his legs and noticed the swelling in his underwear. But I didn"t face it until I walked in on them, I returned from Fitchville, where I had gone to take Dr, Pincus to the train station. The doctor had been continually amazed at Daniel"s progress. He had never seen anything like it before. Already Daniel was beginning to take short but still shaky walks without the cane.

""The human willpower," Dr. Pincus had said on the drive down, 7 don"t think we"ll ever understand it. Bones were broken, nerves, muscles, tendons torn apart in both legs. According to the book there is no way he could ever do what he is doing." He glanced at me, his eyes twinkling. "Til never believe anything anymore. Not even the nursery rhymes. Humpty Dumpty can be put together again. Only he has to do it himself."

Then the car stalled on the way back and I had to walk the last quarter-mile to the cabin. They were naked on the floor. She was on her back, her ma.s.sive white b.r.e.a.s.t.s thrusting upward like twin mountains while she held her legs apart and back against her belly with her hands under her knees. He was poised over her, supported by his arms, hands fiat against the floor, his legs straight out behind him. She groaned with pleasure as he slammed into her again and again until he collapsed in o.r.g.a.s.m, coming to rest against her Junoesque body.

She stroked him gently, speaking almost as if he were a child, "That va.s.s very gut. Ven ve are finished, your legs vill be a.s.s strong a.s.s your p.r.i.c.k."

I tried to close the door quietly before they could see me, but he looked up just at the last moment. I finished closing the door and sat down on the small porch. About ten minutes later, he came out, walking with the help of his two canes, and sank into a chair next to mine.

We didn"t speak for a long while. Then he finally spoke, *7 suppose you wonder what we were doing?""

""I know what you were doing. f.u.c.king."

He laughed. ""That"s right. But what else?"

""What else could it be?" I asked sarcastically. " "f.u.c.king is f.u.c.king.""

"It"s part of my rehabilitation" he said.

"Ohy sure" I said, skeptically. "But your c.o.c.k was never broken - only your legs."

"It"s a kind of push-ups."

"I could see that."

"Really. It"s a way of exerting pressure on the legs."

I couldn"t help it. I began to laugh. "The pleasure was just incidental?"

He grinned. "You know me. I never could resist a little p.u.s.s.y."

"That wasn"t a little p.u.s.s.y " I said. "That was a lot. Even for you."

He laughed and reached for my hand. Then he was serious. "I"ll send her away if you want."

"No/" I said. "There"s just one change I"m going to make."

"What"s that?"

"If you have to exercise, you"re going to do it with me. I"ve been too easy on you. Always on top so that you wouldn"t strain yourself. Now you can go back to work and I"ll lie back and enjoy it."

October 10, 1937 He"s walking. When he"s tired, with one cane. But he"s walking. Today I took Dr. Pincus and Ulla to the train. The doctor was so impressed with her that he was taking her back to Washington to work in his office. He didn"t know it, but with the kind of physical therapy she was ready to give his patients he would have to become the busiest orthopedist in the country.

When I got back to the cabin, Daniel was sitting on the porch, a drink in his hand, puffing on a cigar, A bottle of whiskey and another gla.s.s were on the table next to him. He poured some for me. ""We did it.""

"*You did it," I said, holding the gla.s.s toward him. We touched gla.s.ses and drank. ""Now what do we do?"

"First, Fm going out to California to see my son. Fhen I got to get me a job."

"Going back with Murray?"

He shook his head, black anger flashing in his eyes. "He can go f.u.c.k himself."

"Lewis?"

"Not as long as Murray is with him."

"You can still talk to my Uncle Fom."

"You know better than that. FII find something. Maybe even start my own union."

"Your own union? In what industry? It seems to me that everything is covered now."

"Not everything," he answered. "Fve been thinking that the union members themselves need some kind of protection against their leaders."

"Fhat doesn"t make sense," I said. "A union within a union."

He laughed. "Who knows? It might come down to that. When I see the things done to the union members by their leadership, I begin to wonder exactly for whose benefit the whole thing is run. But Fm in no hurry. Fhere"s time for that. Fve got to get around more. Fhere"s still lots I have to learn."

"And what about me?" I asked. "What am I supposed to be doing while you"re doing all this?"

He refilled his gla.s.s. "You have your job with your uncle."

"I left that," I said. "I cati"t go crawling back to him now. You know that."

"Welly you don"t need the money anyway. You have money of your own,"

*"You"re not answering my question, and you know it/" I was getting angry, "Tm not talking about a job, I"m talking about you and me."

He didn"t answer.

You know I want to marry you." *

He still didn"t answer.

**rm two months pregnant. Dr. Pincus confirmed it."

The gla.s.s shattered in his hand. Angrily, he flung it away from him, the whiskey and the blood from his fingers spattering against the wooden rail. His voice was thick. *"No, G.o.dammit! You"re not going to do that to me. All you women are alike. You think your c.u.n.ts can nail a man down. Tess did that to me and f.u.c.ked up my life. I"m not going to let it happen again." He got to his feet and went to the door. ""You get yourself an abortion or do whatever the h.e.l.l you want. It"s your baby, not mine."

The door slammed behind him, and I heard the crash as he stumbled and fell. I opened the door and looked down at him stretched out on the floor. He turned his head, and his eyes stared up at me angrily.

""f.u.c.k you!" I said, and closed the door on him. It was the first time there was no one there to pick him up when he fell.

October 15, 1937 I had my abortion today. The doctor wouldn"t tell me whether it was a boy or a girl. It"s raining in Chicago. I haven"t heard from Daniel. I don"t know why I can"t stop crying. The doctor says he"s coming back to give me a shot so I can sleep.

There were few entries in the diary after that date. She began a new diary the next year, but after the first few entries that too seemed to have been given up, and there were no further diaries for the following years. Neither was there any further mention of my father.

Christina stared down into the red wine in her gla.s.s. ""I wonder if she ever saw him again afterward."

*"I don"t think so." I put the diaries back into the box we had brought from the warehouse. ""When were your parents married?"

"Nineteen forty-five. After the war. My father was a colonel in Eisenhower"s headquarters in London. He met my mother there when she was working in the office of procurement. They were married when they came back to the States. I was bom the next year. And yours?"

""Nineteen fifty-six. Ten years after my father founded C.A.L.L. It took him almost nine years to start the union he talked about to your mother."

"What was he doing those nine years?" she asked.

"I don"t really know," I said. "But then, I never knew anything about him. We never talked much."

"You talk to him now," she said.

"What makes you say that?"

"I feel it." She sipped at the wine. "Sometimes you are a completely different person, and when I look at you I don"t see you at all. I see someone else."

I looked at my watch. It was past two in the morning. "I think we"d better get some sleep."

"I"m restless. Want to share a joint first?"

I hesitated.

"Just a few tokes," she said. "It will calm me down."

""Okay."

I walked outside onto the veranda while she went for the chocolate sticks. It was a blue velvet night, a warm salt breeze coming in from the ocean. I stretched out on the lounge.

She sat down on the lounge at my feet. I lit the chocolate stick while she sipped at her gla.s.s of wine, took a few tokes and pa.s.sed it to her. She hit it pretty good-long deep tokes, filling her lungs and holding it, then slowly exhaling the residual smoke.

I took another few tokes, and my head began to spin out. I gave it back to her. "I think Fve had it."

She smiled. "You have to get used to it."

""I don"t know whether I could afford it."

She laughed and dragged on the chocolate stick again She looked down at me. "Where do you go from here, Jonathan?""

I put my arms under my head and rested back against my hands. "I was thinking about going home. But now, I don"t know."

"Did you find what you were looking for here?"

"I don"t know what I"m looking for," I said. "That is, if I"m looking for anything at all.""

" " Your father,"" she said.

"He"s dead. Too late for that now."

She dragged on the chocolate stick again. "You know better than that."

I took the cigarette from her fingers. This time I really took it down. The top of my head came off. My tongue went all fuzzy. "Let"s not talk about him anymore. Okay?"

"Okay. What do we talk about, then?"

"Being rich. What"s it like?"

"I don"t know any other way."

"Your husband? Was he rich too?"

"Yes."

"And your father?"

"Yes."

"You were bom batting a thousand."

She thought for a moment. "I suppose you could put it that way."

"Why did you get divorced?"

"The truth?"

I nodded. "That"s why I asked."

"He was guilty rich. I wasn"t."

I laughed.

""Not funny," she said. "He didn"t know how to relax and enjoy it. He was always uptight."

""So you got divorced. How long ago?"

"Last year."

"^Better now?"

She shrugged. "In some ways. At least he"s not gilways looking down his nose at me. Putting me down because I don"t make any contribution to society by not working. The way I look at it, at least I"m not taking a job away from someone who needs it."

"Can"t argue with that point of view." I hit the chocolate stick again and pa.s.sed it back to her. "My whole head is spinning. I"ve never had a buzz like this."

"Feelgood?"

"The best."

"Then enjoy it." She leaned over and kissed me. Her mouth was warm. I pressed her tightly against me. After a moment, she raised her head and looked at me. "I want you to stay with me for a while, Jonathan. Will you?"

"I don"t know if I can."