Now you don"t mean to say you don"t know what swagan is? Well, well! To think of it! All I have to say is, you don"t know what"s good then.

Beans and pork and bread and mola.s.ses,--that"s swagan,--all stirred up in a great kettle, and boiled together; and I don"t know anything--not even your mother"s fritters--I"d give more for a taste of now. We just about lived on that; there"s nothing you can cut and haul all day on like swagan. Besides that, we used to have doughnuts,--you don"t know what doughnuts are here in Ma.s.sachusetts; as big as a dinner-plate those doughnuts were, and--well, a little hard, perhaps. They used to have it about in Bangor that we used them for clock pendulums, but I don"t know about that.

I used to think a great deal about Nancy nights, when we were sitting up by the fire,--we had our fire right in the middle of the hut, you know, with a hole in the roof to let the smoke out. When supper was eaten, the boys all sat up around it, and told stories, and sang, and cracked their jokes; then they had their backgammon and cards; we got sleepy early, along about nine or ten o"clock, and turned in under the roof with our blankets. The roof sloped down, you know, to the ground; so we lay with our heads in under the little eaves, and our feet to the fire,--ten or twelve of us to a shanty, all round in a row. They built the huts up like a baby"s cob-house, with the logs fitted in together. I used to think a great deal about your mother, as I was saying; sometimes I would lie awake when the rest were off as sound as a top, and think about her.

Maybe it was foolish, and I"m sure I wouldn"t have told anybody of it; but I couldn"t get rid of the notion that something might happen to her or to me before five months were out, and I with those words unforgiven.

Then, perhaps, when I went to sleep, I would dream about her, walking back and forth, up and down, in her nightgown and little red shawl, with the great heavy baby in her arms.

So it went along till come the last of January, when one day I saw the boys all standing round in a heap, and talking.

"What"s the matter?" says I.

"Pork"s given out," says Bob, with a whistle. "Beadle got that last lot from Jenkins there, his son-in-law, and it"s sp"ilt. I could have told him that beforehand. Never knew Jenkins to do the fair thing by anybody yet."

"Who"s going down?" said I, stopping short. I felt the blood run all over my face, like a woman"s.

"Cullen hasn"t made up his mind yet," says Bob, walking off.

Now you see there wasn"t a man on the ground who wouldn"t jump at the chance to go; it broke up the winter for them, and sometimes they could run in home for half an hour, driving by; so there wasn"t much of a hope for me. But I went straight to Mr. Cullen.

"Too late! Just promised Jim Jacobs," said he, speaking up quick; it was just business to him, you know.

I turned off, and I didn"t say a word. I wouldn"t have believed it, I never would have believed it, that I could have felt so cut up about such a little thing. Cullen looked round at me sharp.

"Hilloa, Hollis!" said he. "What"s to pay?"

"Nothing, thank you, sir," says I, and walked off, whistling.

I had a little talk with Jim alone. He said he would take good care of anything I"d give him, and carry it straight. So when night came I went and borrowed Mr. Cullen"s pencil, and Holt tore me off a bit of clean brown paper he found in the flour-barrel, and I went off among the trees with it alone. I built a little fire for myself out of a huckleberry-bush, and sat down there on the snow to write. I couldn"t do it in the shanty, with the noise and singing. The little brown paper wouldn"t hold much; but these were the words I wrote,--I remember every one of them,--it is curious now I should, and that more than twenty years ago:--

"Dear Nancy,"--that was it,--"Dear Nancy, I can"t get over it, and I take them all back. And if anything happens coming down on the logs--"

I couldn"t finish that anyhow, so I just wrote "Aaron" down in the corner, and folded the brown paper up. It didn"t look any more like "Aaron" than it did like "Abimelech," though; for I didn"t see a single letter I wrote,--not one.

After that I went to bed, and wished I was Jim Jacobs.

Next morning somebody woke me up with a push, and there was the boss.

"Why, Mr. Cullen!" says I, with a jump.

"Hurry up, man, and eat your breakfast," said he; "Jacobs is down sick with his cold."

"_Oh!_" said I.

"You and the pork must be back here day after to-morrow,--so be spry,"

said he.

I rather think I was, Johnny.

It was just eight o"clock when I started; it took some time to get breakfast, and feed the nags, and get orders. I stood there, slapping the snow with my whip, crazy to be off, hearing the last of what Mr.

Cullen had to say.

They gave me the two horses,--we hadn"t but two,--oxen are tougher for going in, as a general thing,--and the lightest team on the ground; it was considerably lighter than Bob Stokes"s. If it hadn"t been for the snow, I might have put the thing through in two days, but the snow was up to the creatures" knees in the shady places all along; off from the road, in among the gullies, you could stick a four-foot measure down anywhere. So they didn"t look for me back before Wednesday night.

"I must have that pork Wednesday night sure," says Cullen.

"Well, sir," says I, "you shall have it Wednesday noon, Providence permitting; and you shall have it Wednesday night anyway."

"You will have a storm to do it in, I"m afraid," said he, looking at the clouds, just as I was whipping up. "You"re all right on the road, I suppose?"

"All right," said I; and I"m sure I ought to have been, for the times I"d been over it.

Bess and Beauty--they were the horses, and of all the ugly nags that ever I saw Beauty was the ugliest--started off on a round trot, slewing along down the hill; they knew they were going home just as well as I did. I looked back, as we turned the corner, to see the boys standing round in their red shirts, with the snow behind them, and the fire and the shanties. I felt a mite lonely when I couldn"t see them any more; the snow was so dead still, and there were thirty miles of it to cross before I could see human face again.

The clouds had an ugly look,--a few flakes had fallen already,--and the snow was purple, deep in as far as you could see under the trees.

Something made me think of Ben Gurnell, as I drove on, looking along down the road to keep it straight. You never heard about it? Poor Ben!

Poor Ben! It was in "37, that was; he had been out hunting up blazed trees, they said, and wandered away somehow into the Gray Goth, and went over,--it was two hundred feet; they didn"t find him, not till spring,--just a little heap of bones; his wife had them taken home and buried, and by and by they had to take her away to a hospital in Portland,--she talked so horribly, and thought she saw bones round everywhere.

There is no place like the woods for bringing a storm down on you quick; the trees are so thick you don"t mind the first few flakes, till, first you know, there"s a whirl of "em, and the wind is up.

I was minding less about it than usual, for I was thinking of Nannie,--that"s what I used to call her, Johnny, when she was a girl, but it seems a long time ago, that does. I was thinking how surprised she"d be, and pleased. I knew she would be pleased. I didn"t think so poorly of her as to suppose she wasn"t just as sorry now as I was for what had happened. I knew well enough how she would jump and throw down her sewing with a little scream, and run and put her arms about my neck and cry, and couldn"t help herself.

So I didn"t mind about the snow, for planning it all out, till all at once I looked up, and something slashed into my eyes and stung me,--it was sleet.

"Oho!" said I to myself, with a whistle,--it was a very long whistle, Johnny; I knew well enough then it was no play-work I had before me till the sun went down, nor till morning either.

That was about noon,--it couldn"t have been half an hour since I"d eaten my dinner; I eat it driving, for I couldn"t bear to waste time.

The road wasn"t broken there an inch, and the trees were thin; there"d been a clearing there years ago, and wide, white, level places wound off among the trees; one looked as much like a road as another, for the matter of that. I pulled my visor down over my eyes to keep the sleet out,--after they"re stung too much they"re good for nothing to see with, and I _must_ see, if I meant to keep that road.

It began to be cold. You don"t know what it is to be cold, you don"t, Johnny, in the warm gentleman"s life you"ve lived. I was used to Maine forests, and I was used to January, but that was what I call cold.

The wind blew from the ocean, straight as an arrow. The sleet blew every way,--into your eyes, down your neck, in like a knife into your cheeks.

I could feel the snow crunching in under the runners, crisp, turned to ice in a minute. I reached out to give Bess a cut on the neck, and the sleeve of my coat was stiff as pasteboard before I bent my elbow up again.

If you looked up at the sky, your eyes were shut with a snap as if somebody"d shot them. If you looked in under the trees, you could see the icicles a minute, and the purple shadows. If you looked straight ahead, you couldn"t see a thing.

By and by I thought I had dropped the reins, I looked at my hands, and there I was holding them tight. I knew then that it was time to get out and walk.

I didn"t try much after that to look ahead; it was of no use, for the sleet was fine, like needles, twenty of "em in your eye at a wink; then it was growing dark. Bess and Beauty knew the road as well as I did, so I had to trust to them. I thought I must be coming near the clearing where I"d counted on putting up overnight, in case I couldn"t reach the deaf old woman"s.

There was a man just out of Bangor the winter before, walking just so beside his team, and he kept on walking, some folks said, after the breath was gone, and they found him frozen up against the sleigh-poles.

I would have given a good deal if I needn"t have thought of that just then. But I did, and I kept walking on.

Pretty soon Bess stopped short. Beauty was pulling on,--Beauty always did pull on,--but she stopped too. I couldn"t stop so easily, so I walked along like a machine, up on a line with the creaturs" ears. I _did_ stop then, or you never would have heard this story, Johnny.

Two paces,--and those two hundred feet shot down like a plummet. A great cloud of snow-flakes puffed up over the edge. There were rocks at my right hand, and rocks at my left. There was the sky overhead. I was in the Gray Goth!

I sat down as weak as a baby. If I didn"t think of Ben Gurnell then, I never thought of him. It roused me up a bit, perhaps, for I had the sense left to know that I couldn"t afford to sit down just yet, and I remembered a shanty that I must have pa.s.sed without seeing; it was just at the opening of the place where the rocks narrowed, built, as they build their light-houses, to warn folks to one side. There was a log or something put up after Gurnell went over, but it was of no account, coming on it suddenly. There was no going any farther that night, that was clear; so I put about into the hut, and got my fire going, and Bess and Beauty and I, we slept together.