"Is he still bleating there?" he said. "Is this still the only corner where I can be sure of keeping my sanity? Is he reading his beastly poetry upstairs? Is he----"

"He"s goin"," said William moodily. "He"s goin" before dinner. They"ve sent for his cab. He"s mad "cause I said he was a smuggler. He was a smuggler "cause I saw him doin" it, an" I took him prisoner an" he got mad an" he"s goin". An" they"re mad at me "cause I took him prisoner.

You"d think they"d be glad at me catchin" smugglers, but they"re not,"

bitterly. "An" Mother says she"ll tell you an" you"ll be mad too an"----"

Mr. Brown raised his hand.

"One minute, my son," he said. "Your story is confused. Do I understand that Mr. Jones is going and that you are the cause of his departure?"

"Yes, "cause he got mad "cause I said he was a smuggler an" he was a smuggler an" they"re mad at me now, an"----"

Mr. Brown laid a hand on his son"s shoulder.

"There are moments, William," he said, "when I feel almost affectionate towards you."

CHAPTER XII

THE REFORM OF WILLIAM

To William the idea of reform was new and startling and not wholly unattractive. It originated with the housemaid whose brother was a reformed burglar now employed in a grocer"s shop.

""E"s got conversion," she said to William. ""E got it quite sudden-like, an" "e give up all "is bad ways straight off. "E"s bin like a heavenly saint ever since."

William was deeply interested. The point was all innocently driven in later by the Sunday-school mistress. William"s family had no real faith in the Sunday-school as a corrective to William"s inherent wickedness, but they knew that no Sabbath peace or calm was humanly possible while William was in the house. So they brushed and cleaned and tidied him at 2.45 and sent him, pained and protesting, down the road every Sunday afternoon. Their only regret was that Sunday-school did not begin earlier and end later.

Fortunately for William, most of his friends" parents were inspired by the same zeal, so that he met his old cronies of the week-days--Henry, Ginger, Douglas and all the rest--and together they beguiled the monotony of the Sabbath.

But this Sunday the tall, pale lady who, for her sins, essayed to lead William and his friends along the straight and narrow path of virtue, was almost inspired. She was like some prophetess of old. She was so emphatic that the red cherries that hung coquettishly over the edge of her hat rattled against it as though in applause.

"We must all _start afresh_," she said. "We must all be _turned_--that"s what _conversion_ means."

William"s fascinated eye wandered from the cherries to the distant view out of the window. He thought suddenly of the n.o.ble burglar who had turned his back upon the mysterious, nefarious tools of his trade and now dispensed margarine to his former victims.

Opposite him sat a small girl in a pink and white checked frock. He often whiled away the dullest hours of Sunday-school by putting out his tongue at her or throwing paper pellets at her (manufactured previously for the purpose). But to-day, meeting her serious eye, he looked away hastily.

"And we must all _help someone_," went on the urgent voice. "If we have _turned_ ourselves, we must help someone else to _turn_...."

Determined and eager was the eye that the small girl turned upon William, and William realised that his time had come. He was to be converted. He felt almost thrilled by the prospect. He was so enthralled that he received absent-mindedly, and without grat.i.tude, the mountainous bull"s-eye pa.s.sed to him from Ginger, and only gave a half-hearted smile when a well-aimed pellet from Henry"s hand sent one of the prophetess"s cherries swinging high in the air.

After the cla.s.s the pink-checked girl (whose name most appropriately was Deborah) stalked William for several yards and finally cornered him.

"William," she said, "are you going to _turn_?"

"I"m goin" to think about it," said William guardedly.

"William, I think you ought to turn. I"ll help you," she added sweetly.

William drew a deep breath. "All right, I will," he said.

She heaved a sigh of relief.

"You"ll begin _now_, won"t you?" she said earnestly.

William considered. There were several things that he had wanted to do for some time, but hadn"t managed to do yet. He had not tried turning off the water at the main, and hiding the key and seeing what would happen; he hadn"t tried shutting up the cat in the hen-house; he hadn"t tried painting his long-suffering mongrel Jumble with the pot of green paint that was in the tool shed; he hadn"t tried pouring water into the receiver of the telephone; he hadn"t tried locking the cook into the larder. There were, in short, whole fields of crime entirely unexplored. All these things--and others--must be done before the reformation.

"I can"t begin _jus"_ yet," said William. "Say day after to-morrow."

She considered this for a minute.

"Very well," she said at last reluctantly, "day after to-morrow."

The next day dawned bright and fair. William arose with a distinct sense that something important had happened. Then he thought of the reformation. He saw himself leading a quiet and blameless life, walking sedately to school, working at high pressure in school, doing his homework conscientiously in the evening, being exquisitely polite to his family, his instructors, and the various foolish people who visited his home for the sole purpose (apparently) of making inane remarks to him. He saw all this, and the picture was far from unattractive--in the distance. In the immediate future, however, there were various quite important things to be done. There was a whole normal lifetime of crime to be crowded into one day. Looking out of his window he espied the gardener bending over one of the beds. The gardener had a perfectly bald head. William had sometimes idly imagined the impact of a pea sent violently from a pea-shooter with the gardener"s bald head. Before there had been a lifetime of experiment before him, and he had put off this one idly in favour of something more pressing. Now there was only one day. He took up his pea-shooter and aimed carefully. The pea did not embed itself deeply into the gardener"s skull as William had sometimes thought it would.

It bounced back. It bounced back quite hard. The gardener also bounced back with a yell of anger, shaking his fist at William"s window. But William had discreetly retired. He hid the pea-shooter, a.s.sumed his famous expression of innocence, and felt distinctly cheered. The question as to what exactly would happen when the pea met the baldness was now for ever solved. The gardener retired grumbling to the potting shed, so, for the present, all was well. Later in the day the gardener might lay his formal complaint before authority, but later in the day was later in the day. It did not trouble William. He dressed briskly and went down to breakfast with a frown of concentration upon his face. It was the last day of his old life.

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE PEA DID NOT EMBED ITSELF INTO THE GARDENER"S SKULL AS WILLIAM HAD SOMETIMES THOUGHT IT WOULD. IT BOUNCED BACK. THE GARDENER ALSO BOUNCED BACK.]

No one else was in the dining-room. It was the work of a few minutes to remove the bacon from beneath the big pewter cover and subst.i.tute the kitten, to put a tablespoonful of salt into the coffee, and to put a two-days"-old paper in place of that morning"s. They were all things that he had at one time or another vaguely thought of doing, but for which he had never yet seemed to have time or opportunity. Warming to his subject he removed the egg from under the egg cosy on his sister"s plate and placed in its stead a worm which had just appeared in the window-box in readiness for the early bird.

He surveyed the scene with a deep sigh of satisfaction. The only drawback was that he felt that he could not safely stay to watch results. William possessed a true strategic instinct for the right moment for a retreat. Hearing, therefore, a heavy step on the stairs, he seized several pieces of toast and fled. As he fled he heard through the open window violent sounds proceeding from the enraged kitten beneath the cover, and then the still more violent sounds proceeding from the unknown person who removed the cover. The kitten, a ma.s.s of fury and l.u.s.t for revenge, came flying through the window.

William hid behind a laurel bush till it had pa.s.sed, then set off down the road.

School, of course, was impossible. The precious hours of such a day as this could not be wasted in school. He went down the road full of his n.o.ble purpose. The wickedness of a lifetime was somehow or other to be crowded into this day. To-morrow it would all be impossible. To-morrow began the blameless life. It must all be worked off to-day. He skirted the school by a field path in case any of those narrow souls paid to employ so aimlessly the precious hours of his youth might be there.

They would certainly be tactless enough to question him as he pa.s.sed the door. Then he joined the main road.

The main road was empty except for a caravan--a caravan gaily painted in red and yellow. It had little lace curtains at the window. It was altogether a most fascinating caravan. No one seemed to be near it.

William looked through the windows. There was a kind of dresser with crockery hanging from it, a small table and a little oil stove. The further part was curtained off but no sound came from it, so that it was presumably empty too. William wandered round to inspect the quadruped in front. It appeared to be a mule--a mule with a jaundiced view of life. It rolled a sad eye towards William, then with a deep sigh returned to its contemplation of the landscape. William gazed upon caravan and steed fascinated. Never, in his future life of n.o.ble merit, would he be able to annex a caravan. It was his last chance. No one was about. He could pretend that he had mistaken it for his own caravan or had got on to it by mistake or--or anything. Conscience stirred faintly in his breast, but he silenced it sternly. Conscience was to rule him for the rest of his life and it could jolly well let him alone _this_ day. With some difficulty he climbed on to the driver"s seat, took the reins, said "Gee-up" to the melancholy mule, and the whole equipage with a jolt and faint rattle set out along the road.

William did not know how to drive, but it did not seem to matter. The mule ambled along and William, high up on the driver"s seat, the reins held with ostentatious carelessness in one hand, the whip poised lightly in the other was in the seventh heaven of bliss. He was driving a caravan. He was driving a caravan. He was driving a caravan.

The very telegraph posts seemed to gape with envy and admiration as he pa.s.sed. What ultimately he was going to do with his caravan he neither knew nor cared. All that mattered was, it was a bright sunny morning, and all the others were in school, and he was driving a red and yellow caravan along the high road. The birds seemed to be singing a paeon of praise to him. He was intoxicated with pride. It was _his_ caravan, _his_ road, _his_ world. Carelessly he flicked the mule with the whip. There are several explanations of what happened then. The mule may not have been used to the whip; a wasp may have just stung him at that particular minute; a wandering demon may have entered into him. Mules are notoriously accessible to wandering demons. Whatever the explanation, the mule suddenly started forward and galloped at full speed down the hill. The reins dropped from William"s hands; he clung for dear life on to his seat, as the caravan, swaying and jolting along the uneven road, seemed to be doing its utmost to fling him off. There came a rattle of crockery from within. Then suddenly there came another sound from within--a loud, agonised scream. It was a female scream. Someone who had been asleep behind the curtain had just awakened.

William"s hair stood on end. He almost forgot to cling to the seat.

For not one scream came but many. They rent the still summer air, mingled with the sound of breaking gla.s.s and crockery. The mule continued his mad career down the hill, his reins trailing in the dust. In the distance was a little gipsy"s donkey cart full of pots and pans. William found his voice suddenly and began to warn the mule.

[Ill.u.s.tration: WILLIAM"S HAIR STOOD ON END. HE ALMOST FORGOT TO CLING TO THE SEAT. FOR NOT ONE SCREAM CAME BUT MANY, MINGLED WITH THE SOUND OF BREAKING GLa.s.s AND CROCKERY.]

"Look out, you ole softie!" he yelled. "Look out for the donk, you ole a.s.s."

But the mule refused to be warned. He neatly escaped the donkey cart himself, but he crashed the caravan into it with such force that the caravan broke a shaft and overturned completely on to the donkey cart, scattering pots and pans far and wide. From within the caravan came inhuman female yells of fear and anger. William had fallen on to a soft bank of gra.s.s. He was discovering, to his amazement, that he was still alive and practically unhurt. The mule was standing meekly by and smiling to himself. Then out of the window of the caravan climbed a woman--a fat, angry woman, shaking her fist at the world in general. Her hair and face were covered with sugar and a fork was embedded in the front of her dress. Otherwise she, too, had escaped undamaged.

The owner of the donkey cart arose from the _melee_ of pots and pans and turned upon her fiercely. She screamed at him furiously in reply.

Then along the road could be seen the figure of a fat man carrying a fishing rod. He began to run wildly towards the caravan.