It seemslike people like Ilya more than Iria. I’ll wait till next Sunday to confirmthis, and if the result of the survey hasn’t changed I’ll switch to Ilya. HappyEaster for those who celebrate it!

If this isthe real end – 1

            Whatwas essential to do when I woke up in the morning, was to not get up until Iwas properly awaken. Even when a maid came close, until I could clearlyperceive that I was “me”, I kept my eyes closed and concealed my breathing.After inhaling deeply and chanting my name several times, I would finally makethe preparations to open my eyes. Telling me that everything was alright, Iwould greet the morning sun while praying that that time hadn’t come yet. Every time I needed the resolution tolive through the day.

            Afterthat tea party, numeral deaths were recalled inside me. Along with therecognition that the same time has started again, merciless endings werethrusted before me. That was why I had to take measures to save myself. Notletting Silvia die, not being abandoned by Soleil, continuing to remain by hisside as his fiancé, as his wife. These were in other words, choices to protectmyself, choices to save this love.

            However,were they really the right choices?

“My lady, a sealed letter hasarrived from the marquis’ house.”

            Themaid handed me a letter engraved with the crest of the marquis family after Ifinally got up from bed. Receiving a sealed letter was quite unusual. When Icut the seal at once, the familiar stiffed characters briefly informed me ofthe matter at hand. I read over it twice, thrice, checking the content. Afterfinis.h.i.+ng reading, a sigh unconsciously escaped from my mouth.

“… My lady?”

“Because Soleil-sama will comevisit, I would like you to please make the preparations for lunch.” 

“Yes, I understand.”

“Also… about Silvia’s condition, howis she feeling today?”

“… about Silvia-sama?”

“Right. If that child’s conditionseems fine, I would like you to prepare lunch for three persons.”  

            AsI asked this while soaking my hands in the bowl of water prepared for was.h.i.+ngthe face, the maid answered with a “I understand.” Although the visit was a bittoo sudden, after a.s.suming the letter would accurately arrived on the right dayand time, it still could count as asking for an invitation. When it’s so suddenlike this, it’s impossible to decline. It seemed like Soleil was asking for thepermission to come visit, but in reality, it was an ordering behavior that wasborn out of his high status as a marquis. At the end of the letter, if it waswritten to invite my little sister by all means, then I could not disregardit. 

            Itseemed that Soleil was steadily deepening his intimacy with Silvia who hadstarted to attend the academy. In order for Soleil who was in the knightdivision to come in touch with Silvia who was on the normal curriculum, he neededto arrange beforehand a time and place to meet. The school buildings wereseparated, and above all the cursus organization for the knight and the normaldivisions were completely different. Since the knight training which containedactual fighting had a different schedule, if he didn’t contact her in advance,it would be really difficult to spend lunch time together. That was why the twoof them eating in the cafeteria together attracted a lot of attention. Becausedespite the fact his fiancé was attending the same academy, he left her aloneand spent time with her little sister instead.

            However,it was highly likely that Silvia hadn’t noticed all these variouscirc.u.mstances. Probably not understanding well the structure of the academyitself, the young girl who was attending school for the very first time didn’thave any person she could call a friend either. For that reason, n.o.body pointedout the situation to her. Maybe at such a time it was my role as her oldersister to show her the ways, but I knew it would be a bother if I were to cutinto their conversation needlessly. Because of my foolish acts until now,because I threaten every woman who had approached Soleil, if I interfered now,people would say that I even kept in check my own little sister due to myjealousy. I understood that quite clearly.

            Atthis point in time, no matter how much I struggle, the situation wouldn’t takea good direction. Suddenly, my back trembled when a certain thought crossed mymind. What should I do if all my actions were useless? What on earth was I herefor? 

“What would you like to do aboutyour attire?”

“Because I will change clothes onemore time after that… well, that one will be fine.”

            WhenI designated a section of the dressing room, an excellent maid nodded oncewithout inquiring about anything. Soon, she brought back a simple dress exactlylike the one I was imagining and helped me change into it. Meanwhile, I gaveinstructions for lunch to be prepare in the reception room. Although ourvisitor’s arrival was abrupt, since the estate’s kitchen were filled withvarious ingredients it will not really be a problem. While I won’t have time toarrange every detail like for that tea party some time ago, it shouldn’t beinadequate.

“I will be in the archives until itis time for lunch. If there is anything, please call me.”

“Yes lady.”

            Afterconfirming the maid had nodded dependably, I headed for the archives. While itwas incomparable to the academy’s library, the collection of books gathered bythe successive generations of the heads of our earl family was still quiteimpressive. The top of the tall bookshelves couldn’t be reached without using astepladder. There, thousands of books were lined up tightly without any gap. Itseemed the successive butlers had properly inventoried everything, but withoutthe permission of the head of the family you couldn’t browse through it and it wasalso not easy to borrow it. Among the collection, some books were considerablycostly, and since they were all part of the properties and a.s.sets of our house,the index listing where was everything was strictly safekept. In other words, Icouldn’t see it. If I had that catalogue at hand, my research would haveprogressed much more smoothly.   

            Inthat place, I was looking for a description related to Crow. Since several ofmy previous lives ago, each time after I recalled my memory, I beganinvestigating about him. I knew that Crow wasn’t an ordinary person. He mightbe a kind of fairy or spirit, or maybe a magician or an illusionist, or a beingthat didn’t carry any physical substance like a phantom. Since he could usethose kind of techniques or magic, whether he was a human being or a differentspecies, there was no doubt he was a special existence. That was why there wasthe possibility something about him would be recorded in the books. I searchedthrough various records such as literary works and history books, biographiesand folklore stories. For now, there never had been a description of someone likehim, but I couldn’t give up on the one in a million likelihood of finallyfinding it. I returned the book I finished reading to its shelf and took a newone. By doing this, little by little I proceeded with my search. But I didn’tknow how many thousands of books there were in that place only, and includingthe academy’s library, even if I were to spend my whole time reading I couldn’tfinish everything in a lifetime. In fact, in each life when time went back, Idivided the total amount of books and continued reading. The shelves I mustsearch for this life are these one. The shelves for my previous life are thoseone. Using every spare moment in my daily life, I pursued his existence.

“… My lady, if you cannot reachsomething, please call for someone.”

            AsI had climbed on the stepladder to pick a book, a voice echoed in the archiveswhere no one was supposed to be. I didn’t know when he had arrived, but myescort Al was looking up at me with his eyebrows wrinkled in a frown. That no signhad betrayed his presence was the proof of his excellence as a knight.

            WhenI laughed and told him it was fine, he immediately countered with a, “It is notfine at all.” If you told me the t.i.tle, Iwould bring the book to your room, he said with a sullen expression, but Ishook my head. To begin with, even I didn’t really know what I was looking for.When I tried to step down with the book in my hand, he immediately supported myarm. As I laughed wryly because of the feeling of being escorted, he added withan increasingly sullen face, “What will you do if you were to slip off?” Atthat moment what pa.s.sed through my mind suddenly, was the thought that I hadn’texperience such a death among all the type of accidents until now. That beingthe case, if I fall down from the stepladder at worst I would probably end upwith a bone fracture.

“… My lady? Are you listening?”

            Asexpected, I couldn’t say it was fine because I wouldn’t fall, so I nodded in ahurry. Do you really understand? Igave the sighing Al a sidelong glance, scolding myself for being possessed bygloomy thoughts. In this life where I was always conscious of the awaiting endat the moment I awoke every morning, where should I find any happiness? Sincelong ago, I hadn’t been able to grasp the answer. I went through every day justfor the sake of living. My present only consisted of acc.u.mulating those days.

            Thatmight be the reason why I was looking for Crow.

            Inthat time that repeated itself, the people who appeared were mostly the same.If this life was made into a story, it would be impossible for the usualcharacters to change. And yet, there were times when Crow would appear beforeme and times when he wouldn’t. Even if he was maybe observing me from somewhereI didn’t know, I couldn’t be sure of his existence. In one of my lives, Iwandered around the city looking for Crow. When I found a young man with blackhairs, I systematically called out to them. The people around walked away,avoiding me who kept calling with all her might the strange name Crow. Therewere even some people who laughed and pointed their fingers at me. If Crow hadbeen at those places, I don’t think he would have pretend not seeing me. Despitethe fact that even his existence was uncertain, I somewhat understood what kindof person he was. Perhaps, in that life, Crow hadn’t been here.

            StillI wanted to keep looking for Crow. If his appearance has changed, it might beimpossible to find him. But I definitively wanted to see him. It’s not that Iparticularly wanted him to do something. I wasn’t wis.h.i.+ng for him to lend mehis help, or to save me. I just wanted to see him.

“… My lady, what are you searchingfor?”

            Inthe end, I couldn’t read the books I chose in the archives, so I went back tomy room while having Al carrying them. Since lunch time was approaching I hadto change clothes. If Silvia joined us, I had to make sure we didn’t wear thesame color and give the impression we were harmonized. Whether it was a lightor a dark color, everything suited that child with her silver hairs and herwhite skin so transparent her blood vessels were shown through it. This was becausethat child’s body itself didn’t have any color. But due to those hairs ofmine which looked like those of an old woman, I must carefully choose what towear. Even if my skin was white, it was nothing special enough to be mentioned.I didn’t have any peculiar features.

“I wonder what I’m looking for?”

“… Even though you don’t know whatit is, you are searching for something?”

            Droppinghis line of sight on the spine of the books which clearly belonged to differentfield of expertise and had no uniformity between them, Al wringed his neck inwonder. 

“No, it is because I do not knowthat I am investigating it.”

“… I don’t really understand.”   

            WhenI moved my eyes to the portrait of Silvia which was adorning the end of thecorridor that had fallen silent, the voice of my little sister called outbehind me, “Big sister…!” I turned back while smiling wryly because of thetiming that made it looked like the voice had soared from the painting and sawthe silhouettes of my little sister walking toward me, together with my fiancé.Even though I was wondering why they were together, I didn’t let it show in mybehavior. I just quietly bent my knee, greeting them “Good day to you,Soleil-sama.” “Ah!” Instead of letting Soleil answer, with a smile devoid ofany malice, Silvia told me happily,

“It seems he arrived a little bitearlier than planned. Because I couldn’t find you big sister, we were waitingin the parlor a little while ago, but…”

            Todayshe seemed to be healthy. Her figure with her cheeks faintly died in red wasthe appearance of health itself. Because I had asked the maid to confirmSilvia’s condition, she was probably informed of Soleil’s visit. She waswearing light make-up for our guest and was dressed a little more gorgeouslythan what she would wear ordinary. Since Soleil was a person of higher ranking,it could be said that it was natural to wear formal attire. That being the case,the one who was being impolite was me. Moreover, since I was touching bookscovered in dust just earlier in the archives, the hem and cuff of my dress hadbeen whitened by it. It was conspicuous because I had chosen a deep blue, dark colored dress. Although dust was only sticking to the sleeves, those whiteuntidied spots made it looked like an old clothing. A smile escaped my lipswhen I thought I truly looked like an old woman now.

“…Iria?” 

            Standingalongside Silvia, Soleil gave me a quizzical look. “… It is nothing, please donot mind me.” When I shook my head, he made an increasingly doubtingexpression. Seeing him like this, I felt that at any moment he would blame meand say, “What are you scheming?” I didn’t think I looked that much like a villain.But he seemed to think otherwise.

“I have order for lunch to beprepared in the reception room. There is still a bit of time left before it isready, so would you like to have some tea in the meanwhile?”

            AfterI said that, Silvia happily clapped both her hands and exclaimed, “The otherday, I just found a new tea…!” Seeing Soleil’s eyes slightly relax as theyreflected her appearance, a tiny bit of pain rose in my chest. I was thinkingthis scene was bringing me sense of déjà-vu but suddenly, I also thought thatfeeling might be a bit more like nostalgia. In the past, I would have been hurtby his att.i.tude. But now, my heart had become calm. … No, I may be desperatelysuppressing my heart that was about to tremble.   

            It’s a fragrant tea that will surely suitSoleil-sama’s taste, said Silvia while directing an imploring gaze towardme. With a nod, I pretended to keep my composure and showed them a smile as Ianswered, “That is perfect. I will go back to my room to change my clothes, inthe meantime, please, take care of your big brother and serve him some tea.” We have yet to be married but you arealready showing me that joking display. Would it be silly of me to say sucha thing when I knew those two’s feelings? Or maybe it could be perceived as sarcasm?However, Silvia looked like she didn’t care the slightest bit about it, thosethin fingers of her approached Soleil’s arm. They were touching yet nottouching. With such a subtle sense of distance, their emotions could clearly be seenthrough.

            I,who was simply watching this, I wondered how I looked?

            Ifit had been the me before I introduced Soleil to Silvia, letting them be alonetogether would be a make-believe, I would never give them the opportunity.

“… My lady,”

            WouldI yell in a loud voice? Or, would I come between the two of them, shaking off theslender arm of Silvia while screaming, “Don’t come near Soleil-sama!”?

“My lady, what is wrong?”

            Atthat time, I wonder what kind of expression Soleil would make to look at me. …… No, what kind of expression did he make to look at me?   

“My lady…!”

            WhenI looked up because of the voice that abruptly burst in my ears, Al was there,calling out to me with a low tone. As his position was that of my escortknight, he couldn’t raise his voice. Since I had been lost in my thoughts, myshoulders quivered and I was suddenly drawn back to reality. But right away, Itook a small breath to calm down and not let anyone perceive it. I moved myline of sight to check if my reaction had been sensed by Soleil and Silvia, butthey hadn’t pay even a little bit of attention to me and had increasinglyreduced the distance between them compared to a while before. As if to tell hima secret, Silvia put her hand on her lips and approach her face from Soleil’s.Even though the audible content of their conversation was simply some gossip,by only standing side by side, the two of them looked somewhat dazzling.  While I was thinking that scene lookedquite familiar, Soleil suddenly said to her, “Then, I’ll be counting on you,Silvia.” “Yes!” She exclaimed and turned toward me with her cheeks stillcarrying a tinge of red. It was exactly the expression of a young girl in love.

            Mythoughts were simply, how adorable it was.

“… Iria?”

            AsI once again became absentminded, Soleil threw me an inquisitive look. “Oh,then… Silvia, I naturally have no problem with you preparing some tea, howeveryou cannot do it in your own room.” I thought it was a needless fear but when Iadded this just in case, sure enough, Silvia tilted her head with a bewilderedexpression. Even if hereafter it was planned they will become a family,currently Soleil and Silvia were complete strangers. A n.o.ble’s daughterwouldn’t be praised for being alone in a room with a male who was not a familymember. Because we didn’t know what kind of rumor could be spread by theservant who liked to gossip. However, Silvia didn’t understand this well.

            Silviahad been carefully, carefully raised, shut inside a birdcage. My lovely littlesister.

“… Why is it not good?”

            Sheuneasily looked toward Soleil with a supplicating and puzzled gaze. The one whohold the most authority here was him. In spite of this place being my parents’house.

“Since in this mansion there areonly trustworthy people, it is alright.”

            I suppose I can guess what you are trying tosay, but what are your basis for it? Moreover, your little sister is notsomeone who would betray you, right? He said. Even now, I knew that Silviawho couldn’t comprehend what we were saying was looking toward me with animploring expression. I couldn’t look back straightforwardly at those eyes.Although I haven’t done anything bad, why was it that I couldn’t get rid of thefeelings of guilt? Despite the fact I couldn’t go against Soleil’s opinion,ultimately, the final decision was entrusted to me. Wasn’t it excessivelyunfair?

            Whenthey said it was only drinking tea in her room, it would only be that. As I was making a strange expression, maybe the one who was abnormal was me. However, even if theylet the door of the room opened so that people could see the interior, humanbeings were creatures who tended to twist the truth for their own convenience.At the moment an ill-intended person would see their harmonious interactionsinside the room, we didn’t know what they would make of it.   

“Iria, is there really a need tothink so deeply about it?”

            AsSoleil said that, there was no other answer left.

“… Yes, you are right. I have puttoo much thoughts into this.” 

            Iintended to pretend to be calm, but by reflex my muscles contracted and mythroat tightened. Although nothing especially happened, although this wassupposed to be nothing… It hurt. I couldn’t help but feel hurt. In this way,little by little I was losing various things. 

“…Right then, Silvia, Soleil-sama, Iwill see you later…”

            Ibent my knees, apologized for the rudeness of leaving first and urged Al withmy eyes. With a somewhat rigid expression he promptly bent his straight back ina salute and stood beside me to s.h.i.+eld me from their lines of sight.

“Iria, wait a moment.”

            Then,after I had walked a few steps, Soleil suddenly called out to me. When I turnedwondering why he was still there, after he slightly opened his lips seeming towant to say something, he sunk into silence and glared at me fixedly. As Ireturned a few steps back thinking something had happened, for some reason Alcut himself between us to hold me back. While my line of sight was notcompletely blocked, he was exulting the kind of att.i.tude that was saying hewouldn’t allow me to go back. When I was puzzling over his unusually firmbehavior,

“Iria” Soleil called once again. “…You, why are you…”

            Thistime, he broke the silence and started to say something, but as before heseemed to change his mind half-way and shut his mouth. His expression lookedlike he was sorrowful but also looked like it was not different from usual. Ithought that, as expected, he was a person hard to read. Except for when Silviawas before him.

“Big brother, let’s go quickly!”

            Silviaseemed to become impatient in front of our strange silent interactions andcalled out to him while acting like a spoiled kid. That action I could neverever do, my little sister could pull it of naturally. Her long hairs softlyswayed, and even though I was standing at some distance away, a sweet scentwafted toward me. Her hairs were partly gathered at the top of her head but therest were falling loosely on her back. This hairstyle drawn out to the maximum thecharm of her beautiful hairs which were like silver threads.

“Big brother!”

“…Hmm, let’s go.”

            Beforelong, the two of them walked away together, looking as if nothing had happenedin spite of the earlier halt.

“My lady…”

            AsI was gazing over their retreating figures, Al called me with a worried voice.

“The one who will see others off,who will follow them with their eyes until they are out of sight, will alwaysbe me, right?”

“… My lady.”

“The one left behind, will always beme.”

            WhenI thought back on everything that had happened, it had always been like thissince the beginning. Since the time I introduced the two of them at that teaparty.

            AsI remained beside the two of them who have established an emotional bond, myown emotions were always left behind.