Note before reading: The editing was a bit rushed because I wanted to post it before going to the airport tomorrow. If you catch anything wrong, please, tell me in the comments! 

If this is the real end – 12

            What Soleil"s friend was really trying to tell me “at that time,” even in this life I still had no idea. Even from now on I"ll probably won"t understand. Yes, I hope I won"t. I was already sick and tired of the things that happened at that time. And perhaps, unless the situation became the same as at that time, he will probably never make such an expression again.

            The wife of his friend was imprisoned.

            It might seem like an incident that concerned him closely, but it truth it was no more than someone else"s problem. Even if he could understand his friend"s grief, there was no room for pitying the jailed fiancé who he had never talked to. On the contrary, he might hate her. Her, the sinner who made his friend so grieved. And yet, he came to that place. Despite us being no more than mere acquaintances. Perhaps, he really harbored hatred toward me and he purposely came to see my unsightly death. Yes, I certainly used to think so. To think he came to laugh at me and scorn me.

            However, I was probably wrong. That"s because he was a n.o.ble. In the first place, n.o.bles weren"t existence related to places like prisons. I didn"t know how it was for the relatives of an inmate, but if the prisoner was a perfect stranger, it wasn"t a place you would come on a whim. The people in your entourage would probably franticly try to stop you. Not mentioning the issue of hygiene, it was unthinkable for a n.o.ble to come to a place where who knew what kind of diseases were running rampant. Moreover, the prisoners were brutal and offensive. Even if an escort came along, no one knew what could happen. That"s why no one would try to send a n.o.ble to a prison. That being the case, he must have personally wished to come here. Maybe, he even had to pay quite a sum to do so. If they let a n.o.ble enter a place like this, the prison"s guards would also have to make sure everything would end safely, so they probably demanded a reward for that.

              He came so far to see me. And then, he apologized while crying. I didn"t understand the true meaning of his words but, he seemed to grieve over my death. And I had the feeling he regretted the fact he couldn"t do anything to help. … … If that was indeed the case, then…

“Did he know that I was falsely accused…?”

            When I reached that thought, I shook my head thinking, even if he did, so what? Now it was too late for this. Yes, everything was already “too late.” The false charges against me were something that was first established after Silvia"s death. Someone who felt my existence was in the way, took advantage of Silvia"s death to put the crime on me. In other words, the trigger for everything was Silvia"s death, and as long as she would be alive nothing would happen. That"s why making Silvia live became my objective. In all my lives, after that tea party I started to move in order to protect her. I shamelessly asked the marquis" wife to detach an escort for Silvia. In the shadows, I specifically moved against that band of robbers. Currently, I was still a student so my strength wasn"t enough, but since it had been decided I would marry Soleil, I at least had the backing of his marquis house. So, before long the people who will try to use their power in my back will gradually a.s.semble. I was aware of this. By birth, Soleil was a high ranking n.o.ble and he was extremely vigilant, only the people he truly trusted remained by his side. It was well-known that unless a person was introduced by someone trustworthy, he wouldn"t deepen the relations.h.i.+p into a truly friendly one. Maybe because of this, there weren"t only people with solid background around me, people with suspicious lineage also gathered. If they couldn"t come close to Soleil, they tried to do so with his fiancé. It was a natural mentality. By all rights, it wasn"t hard to keep this kind of person away. For something of that degree, if I used the strength of the marquis" house said to be in control of this country"s dark side, I could easily put some distance between us.

            However, Soleil"s mother had declared with an unruffled face, “If at any rate, someone is trying to use you, do not limit yourself to defense, you must make use of others yourself.” Do not be someone who is used, become someone who use others, she had said while smiling. And so, in the past, I straight-forwardly followed the path that she had pointed out to me.

“… I"ve been running it circles, haven"t I?”

            I whispered so, walking down the deserted corridor. The courtyard was spreading on the other side of the windows. The white roses had pa.s.sed their full bloom and were falling, but one day, I had seen Soleil and Silvia cuddling together on a bench there. Even though I certainly felt that something was changing, I couldn"t go forward the direction I wanted. As if an invisible and compelling force was at work, I would always be robbed of everything. Because I knew this, because I had previously seen what would happen in my life, little by little I was adding some alterations to it so that it could become as I desired. But eventually, everything would fall apart helplessly.

            If, for example, I was someone who knew nothing. In truth, wouldn"t I be able to lead a much finer life? Not having seen what happened previously, not knowing of the future waiting for me, didn"t it seemed like a life filled with hope? Whether it was suffering and grief, or joy and enjoyment, these hands had the “possibility” to choose. With that, shouldn"t I have what one would call a blessed life?

            Could I said I was really able to choose something? I looked down on my hands, on my hands that couldn"t be described as big. What I was always holding in these hands, was emptiness and phantoms of the past. When was it again, that day when I tried to throw away everything and go somewhere that wasn"t this place?   

*

*

 “… My lady? Did something happen?”

            Al who was helping with father"s work wasn"t always by my side. Maybe it might appear strange that in spite of being my escort, he wasn"t always with me, but it was only a general way of thinking. The common sense that an escort must be with his target of protection wasn"t always true for all n.o.bles. In the first place I was only a student, you could say there was no instance where I went to dangerous places. When I left the estate, I was accompanied by maids and a butler, and since there wouldn"t be any occasion where I would become alone, it wasn"t like I couldn"t move around if my escort wasn"t here. Furthermore, the academy"s security measures were flawless so bringing along an exclusive escort wasn"t necessary. A group of reserve knights called the academy knights were taking turns to protect the school grounds.  

            In other words, for a person like me who was only commuting between the estate and the academy, there was absolutely no need for a bodyguard. The fact that Al was working as my escort was in the end, only due to the fact I was Soleil"s fiancé. The one employing him were our house, but a part of his wages were covered by the marquis" house. Meaning that, in one of my lives, the fact Al"s target of protection was changed from me to Silvia, was due to the intention of the marquis side. My parents probably also requested it strongly. However, the marquis" house had the last word in this. At that time, I had already been abandoned by both my parents and the marquis" family.  

            The marquis" house was managed by Soleil"s parents, but the one taking decisions concerning me should have been Soleil… …  Aware of everything, Soleil had willingly chosen Silvia over me.

“My lady?”

“…Ah, Al. Sorry. I was lost in my thoughts.”

“…It seems you returned a bit early, are you feeling uncomfortable?”

            Talking with Soleil"s friend had completely upset me, so I left the academy. Leaving school while cla.s.ses were in session was naturally prohibited but when something happened and you needed to do so, you had to obtain permission beforehand for it. However, there was an exception to everything and it didn"t apply in case of an emergency. In others words, it didn"t apply if something happened to your family or relatives, or if you were sick or injured. In such cases you only had to submit a written application and you could leave the school grounds. Well, it was normal to take such situations into account. Then, without waiting for our house"s carriage, I found another fiacre and went home.

“Well, I am indeed feeling a bit unwell. I was thinking of resting a little…”

            When I said that, Al looked more worried that what I had imagined. He lowered his voice and added as he pushed my back to lead me toward my room, “My lady is always working too hard. Please, rest early today.” When I asked him “What about your work?” he replied without turning his face toward me, “Your concern is appreciated but you don"t need to worry about the like of me.” I understood well his worry for me. But, that kindness somewhat hurt. Like he had said, until now, I had continued to work to my upmost, to the point even I admitted it. Because if I didn"t do so, a wall that could never be overcome was waiting. That"s why, I was ashamed of myself for letting all these efforts being wasted at this stage. I thought it might be the first time something like this had happened.

“Before resting, do you wish to drink something?”

            As I was questioned while walking in the corridor, when I nodded my head, my excellent escort who guessed my thoughts by signs alone seemed to smile a bit.   

“Mother is?”

“In her room, knitting.”

            I tilted my head, a bit surprised by the brevity of his answer.

“Is she resting?”

            Normally, father tended to spend a lot of time secluded in his study. A part of the doc.u.ments related to the territory management were left to mother"s discretion. That"s why wives of aristocrats couldn"t be illiterate and ignorant. 

“… Lately, she is taking things at a leisure pace.”

            My feet stopped at this manner of speaking that seemed to be implying something in a roundabout way. When I looked back, my escort who was standing behind me had also stopped at some distance. It seemed he had predicted in advance I would come to a halt.

“What do you mean?”

“Nothing more than the exact meaning of those words.”

            Certainly, he probably meant it literally. But if that was true, then it would be a slight problem. Because the share of work under mother"s responsibility wouldn"t suddenly decrease one fine day. Even when Silvia was confined in bed due to her sickness and mother nursed her, she always strived to do the work a.s.signed to her. I knew that in order to lessen father"s burden even by the slightest bit, she would work on doc.u.ments until late at night. Since Silvia was in the academy today, it was evident she wasn"t sick currently. In others words, now was the time when mother should have been working. 

“… Has father said something?”

“No.”

            Once again, a short answer. It was fine to think that if father hadn"t say anything, it meant he purposely left things as they were. Because if he had been worried about something, he would have get the chamberlain or a maid to solve the issue.

“… In that case, there is nothing I must do.”

            On the contrary, if I did something unasked for, there was the possibility I would earn father"s wrath. It was best to leave mother to father.

“Maybe mother is tired.”

“Yes, it"s probably the case.”

            This time, his answer didn"t feel out of place. In fact, mother"s share of work wasn"t something that could be done in one"s spare time. If her decisions were wrong, the population of the fief would be put in a predicament. It wasn"t like she was entrusted with major decisions, but even dust would become a mountain if piled together, so if mistakes kept being made… 

“Should I visit her later?”

“… Hm, that"s… I"m not sure. She said she wanted to be alone for a while.”

“I see…”

            If mother had said so, it was better to follow her wish. As I was telling myself it was probably better like this, I asked with cheerfulness,

“That"s right, about the drink. Could you tell someone I would like to drink tea please?”

            Al slightly widened his eyes but after nodding once he replied,

“Understood.”

“Ah, I wonder if I should try the tea Silvia shared with me…”

            The tea leaves had been decocted by mother personally. However, I had never received some of it even once. Mother was always eagerly talking with our house"s exclusive gardener in order to mixt several aromatic herbs and medical plants with the tea leaves she"ll brew. It seemed she picked them out so that Silvia could become even the slightest bit healthier. And so, what mother had prepared for Silvia"s sake wasn"t a simple tea.

“I wonder how it tastes…?”

            I wondered if my real thought which involuntary slipped through my mouth sounded like I was resentful? I was her real daughter and had a healthy body. There was no need to be watchful over what I ate or drank. It was probably for these reasons that mother had never prepared a special tea for me. She hadn"t done so until now, and she wouldn"t in the future either.

“… Al, there is no need to make such an expression you know? 

            My escort was looking at me with wrinkles between his eyebrows, seemingly wanting to say something. But when he was about to, he closed his mouth. And then, he said with a little smile, “… I was told that a merchant who has friendly ties with our house had obtained a rare tea. Next time, I"ll bring it to you.” The “our house” he was speaking of must have been his parents".

“I see, it would be really nice.”

No matter how rare this tea might be, it wouldn"t be hard for me to purchase it directly. If I asked our regular merchant, he would probably immediately make preparations for it. But doing that would have no meaning and he knew it. It was precisely because someone gave it as a gift that it had was special.

The tea mother brewed made Silvia pinch her lips in displeasure at its bitterness. Being allowed to complain about what a mother was doing was also the privilege of a daughter. As such, that child"s att.i.tude wasn"t improper at all, nor was it something to criticize. In a sense, it was the correct reaction. Because as a daughter, it was normal to resist one"s mother sometimes. Besides, it was simply some tea and because it was made by an amateur, normally it would be worthless. Yet, for me it wasn"t just some tea leaves, it wasn"t worthless at all. That"s why, when I received from Silvia the tea mother had decocted, I had to swallow down those envious words, “That"s so nice.”

Even though she had chosen the maids attached to me, mother had never worked hard for my sake.

But if it was for Silvia"s, she wouldn"t spare any effort. No matter how busy she was, she would brew tea in every spare moment she could find. I wondered if it was too childish of me to feel jealousy over that fact? That feeling was absolutely no different from what I felt that night, from that envy I felt toward that child who was being embraced while being told, “You are my lovely little princess.” As I felt miserable at my lack of growth, I forced myself to make a composed expression.

“I will make the preparations immediately, so please wait in your room.”

            I nodded my head at Al who opened the door of my room. He"ll probably go call a maid. Looking at the door that had been closed softly, I heaved a sigh. Now that I had become alone, I was a.s.sailed by tiredness. I sat down at the chair in front of the dresser and looked at my own face. If those eyes had been purple. If those hairs had been silver. If this face had been Silvia"s face… Then would I also have been loved by everyone? Such silly thoughts crossed my mind. Even though I thought that there would have been no meaning in living if I hadn"t been me, at the same time, I was also thinking that I couldn"t live precisely because I was me. When I breathed in, my eyes caught sight of the little bottle Silvia had given me. It was reflecting the faint light inside the room and looked s.h.i.+ny. Was this small bottle also something prepared by mother? It didn"t resemble the cheap vials simply used to conserve tea leaves. The glittering gla.s.s of seven colors seemed to show it really was an item prepared for a special occasion. When I took it into my hand, I noticed it was unexpectedly heavy. The red ribbon wrapped around it was probably an ornament Silvia had added. When I thought she had wrapped it to give it to me as a gift, I felt a pain in my chest.

“Silvia, has done nothing wrong.”

            Right, that child isn"t bad. I repeated a second time those words I recited as if I was persuading me with a spell. I needed to warn myself that my little sister wasn"t wrong. If I didn"t do so… …

            I lift the bottle and removed the lid for some reason. This drifting fragrance, were there flower petals blended with the tea leaves? Trying to guess what flowers it was I brought it close to my nose. It was a sour and gentle odor. The fragrance that pa.s.sed through my throat brought me a refres.h.i.+ng feeling as if my whole body and lungs were cleansed up. It made me feel somewhat nostalgic… It was at that moment I felt it. A strange presentiment that made me reflexively distance the bottle from me. A cough escaped my throat involuntary. A second one followed it. They sounded like the cough people would make while sleeping. It sounded like someone else was coughing.

“?”

            I looked around meaninglessly. I tried to see if there wasn"t some dust whirling in the air, wondering if there might be a cause to my cough. I moved my line of sight to the window, thinking it might have been left opened and some dust or sand had entered. But like usual, there was nothing of this sort inside the room that had regained its silence. While tilting my head in wonder, I looked once more at the little bottle. It was just an ordinary gift I had received from my cute little sister. I took a breath in, returned my sight to the dresser and breathed out. Soon, the maid will probably bring the tea wagon. Only the sound of the clock ticking away at the pa.s.sing of time and my own breathing echoed in the room. When I listened carefully to these sounds, it started feeling like I was the only person existing in this world. It was a world where no one but me existed. Maybe, it would be much better like this. A world where I wouldn"t be hurt by anyone, and I wouldn"t hurt anyone either.

“… A place, where there is no one, hm?”

            Then putting it another way, it would be the same as the little room in the brothel I spent one of my past lives. I moved my line of sight to the tips of my fingers. At that moment, I remembered when I fell asleep while holding Crow"s hand. Ah, that"s right. I hadn"t been alone there. As I recalled it…

“The drug of that time”

            … goose b.u.mps a.s.sailed my whole body. The large breath I unconsciously gulped down made a “hic” sound. It almost sounded like I had been frightened by something. No, that"s not it, that"s not it, I told myself as I seized up the bottle once again. Somehow, it felt heavier than earlier.

       When I was in the brothel, I was tormented by a dry cough for a long time. I thought it was only a cold and because I left it alone it became a serious illness. A high fever came out, and after a month had pa.s.sed in the blink of an eye, my condition had worsened to the point I was beyond help. Also, at that time it was impossible to receive any kind of medical treatment. After all, since I had no money to call a doctor, nothing could be done. Therefore, the only thing possible was to lessen the pain. What Crow brought me, was that kind of medicine. However, instead of containing the pain, it was a strong drug that made my consciousness dizzy. “Never give this drug to a person who ain"t afflict with this disease,” was what said the illegal doctor only invited by the owner of the brothel to confirm how much time I had left. I didn"t even know if his diagnostic was correct, but since even I understood very well the time of my death was drawing near, it was inconsequential. I was told by this doctor, “For the person afflicted by this disease it"s a very good drug but you see, it"s too strong, so if a guy who ain"t sick take it, it"ll cause violent reactions like vertigo, fit of spams and so on. It"ll be a big deal!” He didn"t explain what components there were in it and how they worked since I was a prost.i.tute and my consciousness was muddy. Rather, he explained in a way that was easy to understand. Even when I was on the verge of death, some of our guests didn"t stop coming to see me. That"s probably why he warned me just in case.      

The red powder medicine. This was a drug emitting a distinctive scent.

I remembered this smell that was acrid, as if it came from real medicinal plants, but also a little sweet. No, I might have never forgotten it to begin with. Because I so clearly understood what it meant.

Nocta"s thought:

I didn"t think I would finish it this quickly, but I spent the weekend in the hotel, waiting for my Monday"s flight, and strangely, I wasn"t in the mood to read or watch anime. And a typhoon came so I didn"t want to go out. And so, taaadaaa.

Ah, I can"t wait for the next chapters… I love them! Mwawawawawa...... m.a.s.o.c.h.i.s.t friends, see you in a few days!