TheSecond Life – 3

            … … Silvia collapsed due to her illness.

            Whenthat news reached us, it was the end of autumn. Although not even half a yearhad pa.s.sed, when that summer day began to feel terribly far away, a messenger ona fast horse came flying from my parents’ house. When I saw the face of themale servant who had rushed over, it was easy to imagine the news he wasbringing wasn’t a good one. However, I never thought it would be about Silvia. Thatchild should have avoided her tragedy. That was why it never crossed my mindthat the shadow of death would still engulf that child.   

            Thatday, Soleil who had finally took off a long holyday was having his breakfastwith me. Because it was a long break, we were talking about occasionally goingout together. When I remember that day of the past, I recall I had been in afestive mood since the previous evening. On such a peaceful day, a nightmare closed in. In the letter engraved with my parent’s crest, it was written thatSilvia had suddenly felt seriously ill. When Soleil read this, understandably,his face turned pale.  

“ I’ll go and see her condition.”

            Witha disheartened expression and the same tone of voice as usual, he declared thisfeigning a nonchalant behavior. But, as he stood up and made a b.u.mping sound, his unrest could be perceived. Despite him pretending to not be affected by thenews announcing Silvia was about to die at any moments, Soleil lost his cooland blood flew to his head. “Why do you?” said my lips that seemed tounconsciously move before I swallowed my breath to endure it. I tightened mytrembling lips to keep control over my words and to not let my tongue slip.When my mouth was filled with the taste of blood, I finally uttered with astrained voice.     

“… I will also come.”

            Ideliberately dropped my words slower than usual. While ordering the steward tomake preparations to leave the house, he put his arms through the sleeves ofhis coat, making preparation to stay overnight. 

“I will also come with you.”

            Asif I was chewing on them, I repeated the same words once again. Even if Ishouldn’t do it, I grabbed Soleil and press him to give me an answer. Why, eventhough it’s about my little sister, I’m treated like I’m an outsider? “I’ll go and see her condition.” Why didyou said such a thing as if going alone was obviously natural? I want to yellthey are not words to say to an older sister about to lose her little sister.  

“No, I’ll go by horse. You shouldtake the carriage.”

“I too, will ride a horse…!”

“With how shaken you’re now, youprobably won’t be able to hold the reins properly. I’m asking you, do as Isay.”

            Hisfeet, the tips of his shoes, are turned toward the outside, hurried to leavethe estate. Grasping my shoulder as if to prevent me from hindering his departure,he drove me out of his line of sight. “Please wait,” “I also, together,”“Wait,” “Wait, please,” “Soleil-sama,”

Controlled by my emotions, I wanted to cling to Soleil who escaped from the entrance hall at aquick pace. He has no intention to take me along. Eventually, I don’t know if it was because he was getting impatient with me who was indefinitely following Soleil around,but his exclusive steward wedged himself between us and calmly informed me.

“Madam, the preparations for thecarriage will be done shortly.”

Calmly butclearly, he said it with the same tone of voice he used to announce the deathof Silvia on that far away day. Vividly recalling the scenes of that day, whileI was faintly flinching in front of his att.i.tude that didn’t let someone speakout any consent nor refusal, I lost sight of Soleil’s retreating figure.

“Why,”

            Thatsingle words I muttered tumbled on the marble floor of the entrance hall thathad regained its silence. For only a second, the steward turned his line ofsight toward me but from the start he probably didn’t hold that much interest.“When the preparations for the carriage are done, I will come get you, so inthe meantime please wait in your own room.” As soon as he declared this in abusiness tone he left that place.

“Why is it like this?”

            Themisgivings that were boiling inside came out of my mouth. Even though the onewho is dying is my little sister, why did the letter that arrived was addressedto Soleil? I thought that a letter coming from my parents’ house wouldnaturally be addressed to me. However, from the beginning the male servant camehere with the intention to directly handed it over to Soleil. For instance,even if they were my parents, it would be far too rude to directly write up aletter to the legitimate child of a higher ranked marquis house. Even in thecase they had some business with Soleil, since his wife was their blood-relateddaughter, it would be better to pa.s.s it through her. No matter what state ofemergency arose, a n.o.bleman was an existence that followed the properprocedures. And yet, despite that awfully long explanation I gave about howimproper it would be, Soleil received this letter as if it was natural. Infront of me, he had accepted it himself like it was a matter of course. Thesteward didn’t admonish him either. As if, he already knew Soleil would get it.      

            Anunpleasant promotion flitted through my mind.

            Perhaps,it wasn’t the first time a letter was delivered. Perhaps until now, theletters from my parents’ house were handed over to Soleil. And then, the reasonwhy Soleil never informed me of this, was because they weren’t address to me.In short, to say it in other words, they weren’t letters from my parents. Becausethey were people who valued such a thing as peerage. That being the case, apartfrom my parents, a person who could send a letter using the name of the earl,there was no one but Silvia.  

            Strengthleft my legs and my knees felt on the marble floor. I saw the maids rush over ina panic.

            Ifelt sick. The world was spinning around. Although I promptly put my palm onthe floor, my trembling arm couldn’t support my own body and all too soon iteasily flopped down.

            Imust quickly go. I have to go and visit my sick little sister. 

            That’swhat I thought, but in spite of my hurry of feeling better, my vision startedto darken. He said she was seriously ill. That she couldn’t even get upanymore. Even so, far from worrying about my little sister, I started to thinkin jealousy of all the sentences the two of them exchanged in places I didn’tknow. The reason I was thinking I must go to Silvia’s side as soon as possible,was not because I was anxious about her. “Goodness, such a thing, howmiserable.” Alongside the blood that drew back from my head, I recalled myformer life. My appearance as I, even for an instant, felt delight at the newsof her little sister’s death reemerged. Like this, the previous me lost Soleil.

            Thistime too, Soleil had certainly chosen Silvia. It wasn’t a presentiment, it wasalready closer to a conviction.

            Inreality, I had been detained alone in the mansion. When I came chasing afterhim, he turned his back as if to declare this to the servant. My parents’ homewasn’t at a particularly far distance. Even I could ride a horse, and if it hadbeen dangerous like Soleil had said, there still should have been the means ofletting me ride on his own horse. Yet the reason he clearly displayed abehavior saying he didn’t want to go together, was merely because he hadsomething he wanted to hide. No, in the first place, it doubtful whether heintended to conceal it or not. That day, those eyes of him, didn’t they tell meit clearly.

            Thathe didn’t want to be hindered. That he didn’t want me to s.n.a.t.c.h away his timewith Silvia. 

            Inthe end, I who had collapsed in the entrance hall, without having my prayer ofgoing to meet Silvia fulfilled, was carried out to my bed in my room. Within afew minutes the exclusive doctor of the house was called, and after havingexamined me while making a serious expression, he cleared out the people and toldme:

“You are pregnant.”

“What?”

            Hearingthis unexpected line, I sprang up on the bed without thinking. Seeing this, theold doctor calmly told me to rest while gently pulling me by the shoulder tomake me lie back on the pillows.

“What are you saying?”

            Itrembled while taking small breaths. That was the news I had been waiting forimpatiently. All along this life, I waited eagerly and prayed for it more thanin the previous life. Yet, my bewilderment was bigger than my joy.

“How come, why now?”

            Ihave always been dreaming about this moment. Because I was born for this sake. Becausegiving birth to the heir of the marquis house, was the greatest duty I had beencharged with. I thought that when that time would come, I would receiveeveryone’s blessing. I was hoping that, this time surely, Soleil too would letgo of his emotional reserve and rejoice. However, almost certainly, that willnot happen.

“Doctor, is it not a mistake?”

“… Probably.”

 “Doctor, right now, my little sister is at thegrips of death.”

“… I heard of it.”

“Doctor, I, I, what on earth,”

            Whaton earth should I do, was what I tried to say but my lips were trembling andcouldn’t properly form words. The doctor gently grasped my hand to encourageme, and told me that everything would surely be alright while showing anirresponsible smile on his face. He said that everything would work fine.However, while he was saying this, in reality he must have already noticed. Theunnaturalness of Soleil’s figure not being here right now. Since he knew Silviahas collapsed from her illness, then he must have already heard Soleil was onhis way there. Normally, the husband and wife should go visit Silvia together.All the more if you are worried for me who is greatly shaken by the news.Because there was the alternative of going together by carriage.

“Let me be the one who’ll announceit to Soleil-sama.”

“No, no, please don’t tell him. Now,is a terrible time.”

            Mymuttering voice broke.

“I am truly sorry about the illnessof your little sister but, what is happening to you now is also a seriousaffair. Because you have been entrusted with the precious successor.”

            Untilyou reach the stable period the slightest negligence mustn’t happen, so yourhusband has to support you, he said. I felt encouraged by his kind words. But Iknew. That Soleil will certainly regret it. While thinking “why at such a time,”“why now,” I wondered if he will disavow himself for thinking of having a childwith me. And then, will he deny his own child with an even stronger emotionthat what he feels for me now?  

 “…Madam…”    

The back of my eyelids was burninghot.

“Once I have reached the stable period,I will tell him myself.”

“Madam,”

“That is why, please, I will takegreat care, so please, for now keep silent about it doctor.”

            Thedepths of my chest were crushed in pain.

“After all, right now my littlesister, is suffering lying on bed.”

            Rightnow, my husband is surely at her side, fighting the disease together. So,therefore, as much as I want to tell him to stay with me, I can’t do such athing.  

“Madam.”

“I am fine. Up until now, I havealways been fine.”

            Thewrinkled hand of the old doctor stroke my head in bewilderment.

            Why,was not Soleil here? Isn’t it obvious. It’s because Silvia was about to die.Why am I here? Isn’t it obvious. It’s because Soleil has left me behind.   

            Afterthat summer day, I told Soleil I wanted children. He smiled coldly and agreed heindeed needed an heir, as if it was his duty and another part of his job.

             However, even like that it had been fine. Atthat time, I thought it was alright. Because I wanted a family. Simply because Iwanted a deeper tie with Soleil. Because, he had accepted and resigned himself todispa.s.sionately take a wife and have a child like it was his work’s procedures. 

            BecauseI thought there was time. I, despite my negative experiences, believed in animaginary future.

            …… Silvia is dead.

            Insidemy head, someone muttered.

            Thistime once again, Soleil won’t choose me.