If this is the real end – 4

“I no longer love you.”

         When Iput them out loud, I managed to say those words without much difficulty. Thepainful cramp in the depths of my chest was a remnant of the “memories” fromthe numerous lives I have acc.u.mulated. Even though I certainly thought it waspainful, I also felt that I had built up a resistance to the pain that had beensteadily carved in this body. For that reason, I thought that if I tried to notmind it, I could manage it somehow.

“I no longer… …”

         In thelibrary that had become deadly silent because n.o.body was here anyway, Ipretended to read a book and whispered it one more time. Then, I noticed thatmy lips were trembling. It was painful and felt as if my struggling breath wasblocked in my throat, and instinctively I tightly grasped my neck with bothhands. Simultaneously a strained laugh leaked out from my lips because Irealized what I was doing. I was strangling my neck as I imagined the incidentthat hadn’t happened presently. I hadn’t lost myself to the point of notnoticing this foolishness. 

“… … love, you.”

         The disconnectedwords that I muttered a second time melt into the air, leaving behind atrailing note. However, those words that lost their existences as sounds stillcoiled around this body and wouldn’t leave it. There were words imbued withthat much meaning. In all those lives until now, for Soleil’s sake, for mylittle sister’s sake, but also for my own sake consequently, I tried to conveyit many times. I knew lying to myself was the best method and I thought Ishould do that. Just a single word, if I could say it, Soleil and I could havemoved forward to form a more positive relation.  

If we didn’t love each other.If we didn’t harbor any feeling.

         A plainand indifferent relation should have been permitted. Building a relation oftrust as two work partners strictly would be alright. Even if we couldn’tbecome a harmonious couple, in order to defend the territory, we could havefabricated a partners.h.i.+p that would have taken the name of “family.” And yet,in every life, I never could convey those words.

“Why?”

I wonder why I’ve fallen inlove with Soleil. In those lives that kept repeating again and again, I alsokept repeating this question again and again. Even though I knew I won’treceive an answer, without never ever coming to an end this doubt never get sweptaway. In that day in my childhood, in that moment, I remembered the sensationthat appeared when our eyes met. No matter how many lives acc.u.mulated, nomatter how much time pa.s.sed, that emotion never faded. Rather than describingit as falling in love, it was more correct to say that something felt. If Idared name that event. If that hapless fate was the works of G.o.d.

         Then itwas exactly like a divine revelation.

         No onewould call this moment falling in love. I understood this well. But without doubts,I could say that my life started at the instant I met Soleil. In thatunfamiliar place where I couldn’t hide how tensed I was, those almond eyeswhich slightly loosened as I was told “It’salright”, “Don’t worry, it’s alright”while presenting me that small hand, I could never forget them. Even the toneof his voice seemed to be revived and echoed in my ears. At that moment, myheart started to beat out and time started to tick away. It was soft, but evennow I could remember the sensation of that hand that grasped mine tightly. Icould feel it right now as if it was being done this instant. If I curved myfingers, it felt as if I was holding his hand. Because his white skin suitedhis thin-iced eyes, I had imagined that it would feel like touching ice, but ofcourse his hands hold warmth. My hand which had seldomly been grasped by myparents, I remembered how he wrapped both of his hands around it.

         Eachtime I recalled those fingertips that glided on the back of my hand to make mefeel rea.s.sured, the words said by Soleil, “It’salright,” had their importance increased and were transformed intosomething special. Receiving the unbearable heavy responsibility of the beingthe fiancé of the Marquis’s son, although sometimes it left me petrified, thosewords the young him said merely a few times, for better or worse, they gave mea push on the back.

“… Alright.”

         In thedead silent library, only a few students remained. Surrounded by thebookshelves, large desks which allowed several people to sit down for studyingwere lined up in an orderly fas.h.i.+on, but during daytime there was enough roomfor me to sit alone on that shared desk. That’s why, even though we were in thesame room, each person was sitting at a very distant position. The distance wassuch that it permitted me to speak to myself in a whisper. Even if my mutteringvoice was overheard, naturally, other people would not know what I wassaying. 

“It’s alright.” 

         Itightly clasped my trembling hands, repeating the words the Soleil of the pasthad told me. However, it felt exactly as if I was reciting a line in a story,it wasn’t accompanied by the slightest emotion. Even though the young me hadcertainly been rescued by those words. Even though those words always hadpushed my back. Now, they had no meaning.

         … … “Say, what are yourthoughts about separating two people who have feelings for each other?”

         Isuddenly recalled Saion’s words. Even if it has only been a few hours sincethen, it already seemed to have happened a very long time ago. Speaking of whatI did after staying paralyzed, unable to say a single word back to him: I wentto the afternoon cla.s.s, wearing a composed expression as if nothing had happened.It was an expression of ignorance in order to pretend to be unaware of therumors about Soleil and Silvia that were sure to come at me. If I didn’t knowanything it meant I wouldn’t have to do anything, I averted my eyes from thebehavior of my fiancé. Seeing me act like this, the students of the academymocked me with smiles full of scorn, seemingly being waiting for theopportunity to taunt and make fun of me. They were surely waiting for themoment I would commit a blunder. Because there is no doubt that if it had beenthe me from not long ago, she would have marched straight into the groups whichwere amusing themselves with the gossips. So, I was only looking forward. Nothanging down my head and lowering my eyes was my small form of resistance. Thatwas the only thing I could do. There was no way to correct my past behaviorthat I was guilty of. The me from the time when I was keeping in check everysingle woman who approached Soleil, was in fact trying to chase after myself.Now I must remain absolutely silent while avoiding any action that would standout.

         Thosetwo were conspicuous. No matter what they were doing I could know without evenhaving to ask anyone. But although I knew things would be like this, when Iheard people say those two naturally looked good together, I couldn’t be helpbut be in low spirits.  

         Severalseconds, several minutes, several hours. Increasing over time, an uneasinesssimilar to sorrow blocked my respiration. It’s painful. Incredibly andirremediably painful.  

         Eventhough I went to the same school, even though I was his fiancé, I had neverbeen invented to have lunch together. This lunch time that had a differentmeaning from those compulsory luncheons we took turn to attend in each otherestate, Silvia enjoyed them like it was something granted and natural. Therewas no way I wouldn’t feel anything about that. I was hurt, angry and sad. Ifit had been the me of the past… if it had been before that tea party, Iprobably would have drowned Silvia in jeers. Even though the one to blamewasn’t her. While I knew that, the brunt of my attacks was still directed at mylittle sister. The reason why it was like that was because women altogetherwere such creatures. But I knew very well how foolish such behavior was and presentlyI couldn’t act that way even by mistake. Moreover, if I were to raise my fist,I already knew what kind of reaction Soleil would show. He would be disgusted,then, with a glare mixed with disappointment and scorn, he would ask in a sigh,“Why do you not care about your little sister?”       

         Therewas no doubt that he had asked my such a question in one of my previous lives. Soleilexpected me to behave like a kind older sister.

“… It’s alright, everything is fine.”

         No,that, I decided to lie like that.

“… … Ilysama…?”

         Justwhen the fingers of my tightened hands were digging into my palms, the voicethat called out to me dispersed my thoughts. Golden hairs appeared at thecorner of my field of vision, even without confirming her face I knew it wasMarianne. No one else had such a magnificent color.

“… You haven’t gone home yet?”

         Thatwhispering voice sounded liked it was speaking to oneself. Suddenly, her lineof sight dropped to my hands.

“So even you Ilysama, is reading that book?”

         As ifamazed by what she saw, Marianne gently narrowed her eyes and pulled a chairbeside me to sit down. “I have a rendez-vous with him” She read the t.i.tle andshowed a sweet smile that looked very joyful. 

“… Unexpected, isn’t it?”

         Thatbook that I’ve read many times since long ago, didn’t belong to the library butto me. Although the cover was plain, only stating the author’s name and thet.i.tle, the year it was published it became a hot topic of conversation amongthe n.o.bles’ daughters. Because it was such a well-known work, everyone knew atleast its t.i.tle. 

“I only know the t.i.tle and a little bit about the plotbut… it is a story about the princess of the neighboring country and a knightfalling in love, right?”

“Yes, that is the story.”

“Isn’t it a cla.s.sic among love story? However, itfeels more like a fantasy, a pipe dream… I cannot say it looks realistic…”

        Mariannestopped her sentence here, tilted her head, and added in a laugh, “Ah, but ifyou like it, I apologize for my critics.” Although her words were disapprovingof the novel, I knew there wasn’t any malice in them, so I shook my head at herexcuse. Seeing this, she laughed once again. 

“Ilysama, I thought you were a realist.”

“… A realist?”

“Someone who doesn’t have naïve dreams.”

         Thelight of the setting sun flowing through the big window shone on her glitteringhairs, dazzling my eyes. It was utterly impossible for my ashen hairs to s.h.i.+nelike this.

“… I do not know the conclusion of this novel, but themain character surely meets a happy ending?”

“Yes, that is the case.”

         When Inodded my head to confirm, Marianne made a troubled expression with her slenderfingers supporting her chin.

“What is bothering you?”

 “The princessfalls in love with a knight from the neighboring country and finds happiness,doesn’t it mean that she became tied with the person she loved? But… you know…I really wonder if a princess marring a mere knight is a happy ending…”

         Thatdaughter of a middle ranked n.o.ble house who I found much more realist than me,heaved a sigh while she gave a smile mixed with a tinge of disgust. If we wereto speak of court rank, her house was much closer to the high aristocracy thanmine. She was tied down to her house, had to marry for political reasons and couldn’trun away, everything was the same as me. But the critical difference between uswas the fact she was loved by her fiancé. For me, it was clearly this thatseemed like a dream story.      

“Also, the princess probably had… No, it’s possiblethat… the knight too, they both may have had fiancés, right?”

         I wonder if such a character appears in thatnovel, said Marianne as her beautiful face showed a trace of grief. Themain plot of this novel was how the princess was exiled from her home countrydue to a civil war and how the knight that was ordered to guard her by royaldegree falls in love with her. Various obstacles stand between them, but at theend everything settle down and all is resolved in peace. They weren’t anymisfortunate characters and the progression of the plot only gave some kind ofvague concept of what coercion meant, but it seized the hearts of the n.o.bles’daughters. That’s why naturally, a character that should obviously have existedlike the princess’s fiancé never shows up in the story. Even Saion had said it.No matter if love marriage were becoming the norm among common people, thiswon’t happen for n.o.bles. All the more for royalty. If compared to the reality,it could be said to be very unnatural for neither the princess nor the knightto not have fiancés. But in the end, it was just a novel.     

“… Oh, it is already this late? I have to go now.”

         I unintentionallygazed at the elegant movements of Marianne as she smoothly got up without asound. She, who had always been an existence opposite to mine in my previouslives, had become my friend now. When I observed her again after becoming moreintimate, I understood how inferior I was to her. In front of her who, from herfingertips to the tips of her hairs, boasted the beauty of someone who was bornin a n.o.ble family, from the depth of my hearts I felt embarra.s.sed to havecalled her a rival.

“You know, Ilysama…”

         About topa.s.s beside me, Marianne suddenly stopped in her tracks.

“Even though I look like this, when I was a child Iwas a tomboy.”

         Shelaughed in a dignified way and imagining this young lady as a tomboy wasutterly impossible. When I looked up at her face with perplexity, she added asshe gazed at my expression,   

“When my fiancé was decided without me knowing aboutit, I threw a temper. I said that marrying someone whose face I didn’t evenknow was impossible.”

         When I met him, I didn’t think I would lovehim, she continued with an unusual ridiculing smile.

“I also said quite a few very harsh things to him. Iused the fact his house standing was lower than mine as a s.h.i.+eld.”

         However, said Marianne before shuttingher mouth. Before long she heaved a deep sigh, a really unbelievable unladylikeaction for Marianne.  

“I asked my mother about you, Ilysama.”

“About me?”

“Yes. You might not know, but my mother attended thetea parties organized by your mother several times.”

“… The tea parties…?”

“That is right. At that time, I happened to noticeyou.”

         Noddingdeeply, her gaze started to wander into the distance and she pursued, “Becomingthe fiancé of the son of the marquis is… a great burden… I also understood thatvery well. Because I’m a n.o.ble too.” After saying so, she bent over me andgrasped my hands. Softly, gently, she wrapped them up with her own hands. Whenmy hands moved in a flutter trying to refuse her gesture, she still refused tolet go.

“My mother told me. That I mustn’t be complacent andrest on my laurels just because I had a fiancé. That in order to stand besidehim, I must pill up a lot of efforts.”

         So, I stopped averting my eyes from myfiancé. She said that as her strong gaze shoot through me. And after that, I earnestly became hisfiancé, she concluded with a small smile.

“… Marianne-sama.”

         Unableto stay silent I called out to her, but after that words wouldn’t follow. Ididn’t know what to say. When I wasn’t aware of it, someone was looking at me.That fact simply made me lose my words.

“… How much efforts you have been exerting, in truth,I have no idea. However, this situation where your existence is being neglectedand ignored, I cannot tolerate it.”

        When Idropped my sigh on those white fingers that were grasping me strongly, suddenlyI lost my strength.

“… If there is any thing I can do, please, do not refrainfrom asking me.”

         Receivingthat supplicating gaze, for a second, I almost stretched out my hand. But evenif I relied on her, I knew I couldn’t change this huge flow of ineluctableevents. If it had been the first time then… No, if it had been the second orthird time… then there was no doubt I would have taken her hand and do myutmost efforts to make Soleil face me. Actually, I might also have takenactions to keep Silvia away.

         But atthe moment I decided to make Silvia attend the academy, I was expecting afuture like this. A future where Soleil prioritizes Silvia over me, a futurewhere Silvia gains a much healthier body than before. And also, a future thatleads to a daily life at the academy where they get close together. Everythingwas as I antic.i.p.ated. When I took into account all my previous lives, it wasn’tdifficult to make some prediction.

         Anddespite everything, I still made that child go to the academy. It might bebecause I was still retaining some hope and I was betting on the one in amillion chance that Soleil would prioritize me. In spite of all those negativesexperiences, I was still hoping to hear him say one day that he would attachmore importance to me than to that child. I let Silvia attend the academy andput a distance between Soleil and me, yet, I was still waiting for his hand.Truly, what a foolish person I was. 

“…, No, Marianne-sama. I am alright.”

         It’s alright. It’s fine. A youthfulvoice echoed in my ears, telling me this. I have to continue believing that everythingwas alright. Otherwise, like one of my past me, I will hang a rope around myown neck.

         However,I have already noticed. That even something like a place to escape to, I lostit long, long ago.

         Thevoice that kept repeating “I am alright” was faintly trembling. Anyone hearingit would understand that those words couldn’t be trusted. But Marianne onlyshook her head a little and did not say anything. Yet, her clear eyes becameslightly blurred and she repeated the same words she had told me at the timeSilvia had just enrolled in the academy, “Ilysama, you are truly very kind.”So, this time, I didn’t deny it clearly. In order to not make Silvia look likea bad person by mistake.

         Silviadidn’t do anything wrong. That child just fell in love with Soleil, she wasn’tacting with the intention to rob him from me. I already decided to neither hatenor resent her. I may be jealous, I may be envious, but I won’t deceive andharm her.

         Thatchild was my lovely, little sister. I tried to say that.

         But, thewords wouldn’t come out of my lips, only a long sigh leaked out. My heart wasabout to be torn to pieces. My breath was about to stop, it was unbearable.

“Ilysama, a person cannot always maintainself-restrain. However, if it’s for the sake of someone who is important, Ithink that humans are creatures that can endure forever, for as much and aslong it’s necessary.”

         Realitywas about to engulf me at any time. That’s why, to hide from that reality Iconcealed my breath and tightly closed my eyes. The time to wonder if I coulddo it well this time had already pa.s.sed. I already had nothing left anymore.

         … … Ilysama, for whom are you doing all this?

         Marianne’svoice faintly blurred out and disappeared. 

Nocta’s thoughts:

This story is slow-paced but there isn’t a singlechapter where you don’t learn something new about Ilya, or the charactersaround her. Also, the author is good at foreshadowing small details to use themlatter. But I won’t spoil! Mwawawa

I almost didn’t manage to make it to this Sunday. Iplanned to translate one hour every day, but this week my will lost to watchinganime and reading novels. ¯_(-_-)_/¯