If this isthe real end – 5

            Let’ssay there was a painting and a jewel. Then, the painting would be hung out inthe most conspicuous place in the mansion, and the jewel would be hidden in thedrawer of a dresser. These two items whose fate could be described as quitecontrasted, were given to us sisters by our father. In terms of beauty, theobject I received didn’t lose. But, there was a heavenly difference in theirvalues. A painting drawn by an amateur, and a rare jewel that didn’t have anothermatch in this world. While its rarity meant a price couldn’t be put on it, theemotions invested into it were certainly not equal. From a third party’sperspective, I, who received the jewel, might have seemed more fortunate. Butthat wasn’t the case. That’s why I hided the squarely box which contained that gemin the top drawer of my dresser. It wasn’t an object I had desired myself. Ididn’t want it. Such a thing.

*
*

            Staringfixedly at the necklace adorning my chest, Silvia said “Nice for you, bigsister.” To her who pouted her lips in a truly envious expression, I returned awry smile. I simply didn’t know what to say.

“Are youdissatisfied with my painting?” gently said father who was standing besideSilvia, listening to her voice while combing her thin hairs with his fingers. Enjoyingthe sensation of gliding his fingers in these smooth hairs, he repeated thatgesture many times. Not displaying a special reaction to that father, Silviaaccepted his gesture as natural. A daughter approaching marriageable age mighttend to dislike having excessive skin s.h.i.+p with her father, but for my littlesister it wasn’t the case. I guess they had a harmonious relations.h.i.+p as familymembers. Outsiders would surely perceive it as such. And in reality too, thatwas the case.

            … … But, only I was not includedthere. I had never been glued like this to father, as far as I remembered, himstroking my hairs never happened even once. From long ago father and I had beenalienated.

“Eventhought I took great pains to paint it for your sake ah…” Facing father whosaid this with a depressed att.i.tude, Silvia became fl.u.s.tered and shook herhead. “Ah, no, that’s not it…! I’m sorry father…” Their appearances as only theupper half of her body was lifted of the bed while she clung to father didn’tlook like they were lovers, but still gave the strange feeling that you wouldn’tbe surprised if told they were a couple. Despite the fact he was supposed toapproach the latter half of his forties, the virile looks of my foreveryouthful father were famous to the point of being at the center of rumors evenin the n.o.ble society full of good-looking individuals. Seeing the fl.u.s.teredstate Silvia was in, father looked over her with affection and shrugged hisshoulders with exaggeration. “Hehe, well, it can’t be help that you said that.Because it’s true that the stone I gave to Ilya was expensive.”

His lineof sight drifted in my direction when he said my name, but our eyes didn’tmeet. Since Silvia had mentioned me, he reluctantly turned his face toward mebut it didn’t have any meaning. The profile of father who retracted his gazeback to my little sister eloquently showed how tremendously he loved Silvia. I,who was watching this from a little distance away, was forced to take on therole of a spectator like I was looking at the stage from the sidelines. Iwasn’t a character of this story. I wasn’t a supporting character, neither anonlooker. Just a reader. I looked at the two of them cuddling together withthis feeling.

“… But, big sister, your necklace isreally beautiful. It’s the same color as your eyes.”

            Evenif we were only a third rank earl family, the estate still boasted of a certainbroadness so my little sister’s room was certainly not narrow at all. Because Iwas standing quite some distance away from the bed, we couldn’t communicatewith each other unless we raised our voices. However, I had already receivedthe education of a lady. It was impossible for me to do such an improper thing.Especially in front of father. But for some reason, the charming and livelyvoice of my little sister didn’t sound like it was loud. I wonder if the softwind coming from the slightly opened window in order to refresh the air was carryingher voice. Carrying it from the other side of that canopy which I could neverapproach.

            Icould see the appearance of my spoiled little sister as her upper body wasleaning on father who was sitting on the bed. As Silvia kept repeating “Hownice,” father kindly admonished her, “It’s something I gave to Ilya as acommemoration for her debut in the high society you know.” We weren’t at a ballright now, and although it was a bit laughable to wear such a magnificentpendant pared with plain casual clothes, but because Silvia had said she wantedto see it, I had to grant her wish. When I opened the box, she said that justlooking at it was not good, and I couldn’t ignore the sulking expression of mycute little sister as she protested, “Big sister, if you aren’t wearing it it’smeaningless.”

            Theday I made my debut in the upper society, she was bedridden and her wish to seethe necklace couldn’t be fulfilled. That was probably why she said that. “Thedebut in high society? Then it’ll be my turn this year!” Father looked overSilvia whose checks were dyed in happiness with a gaze mixed with bothaffection and pity. Silvia didn’t seem to have noticed, but whether or not shewould make her debut was uncertain. As she spent most of her days sleeping, shedidn’t have the time to receive the education of a lady, and above all herstudy couldn’t catch up. It would be extremely dreadful for a pure and ignorantchild to enter a world where everyone competed to surpa.s.s others.

            Althoughshe was still a teenager, because she carried the name of our earl house, carelessnesswill hardly be tolerated when our home will host a party. Besides, that childwas already overly excited just thinking about going to a ball. On the actualday, there was a high possibility she would come up with a fever. The memory onhow she was allowed to enter the academy but on the appointed day she had tostay in bed was still fresh. Seeing father’s reaction, I felt that my thinkingwas right on point. However, it would be foolish to expressively telleverything to her and make my little sister sad. Because I understood how muchfather doted on Silvia and loved her.

            Certainly,the jewel that decorated my neck was gorgeous and s.h.i.+ny, but it was not fittingfor the plain me. A lot of parents would buy that kind of things for theirbeloved daughters as they would make their debut. Above all if you were an aristocratwho valued his pride, it would be natural to prepare the top-quality productsto not embarra.s.s your daughter. Of course, it was also the case for this house.But I knew it wasn’t offered out of love. The elaborate golden craftmans.h.i.+pshowed it was a high quality good, and the pegreen jewel arranged at themiddle of the pendant highlighted how befitting and worthy of a n.o.ble thisnecklace was. If its owner hadn’t been me, this item would have been plentyenough to adorn a n.o.blewoman. I understood why Silvia was envious of it. Rarelyallowed to leave her room, my little sister admired the princesses in fairytales. It was inevitable that she would harbor respect, awe and longing toward n.o.bledaughters. That was why she wanted objects a girl from a n.o.ble family wouldwear. However, ultimately, I thought it was only because she didn’t know aboutthe circ.u.mstances surrounding those gifts.   

“Let’s order one jewel the same color as these eyes.”

            Oneday, suddenly, after having be called to father’s study, I was told this beforeeven hearing what it was about. Neither did he explain why he had called mewhen we hadn’t faced each other for a while. He just said those words to themerchant who had been here before I arrived. The merchant who received theorder respectfully agreed and like he was performing a magic trick, he took apaper from his breast pocket and quickly drawn the picture of a necklace. Then,with an expression akin to licking to his lips, he asked, “would this besatisfactory?”

            Fora second, father who had surely noticed his reaction made a displeasedexpression but that was all. It may be the usual exchange for them. Themerchant explained how much value the good had with great loquacity, liftingthe corner of his lips as he said how this necklace was more than fitting for ayoung girl. Father never showed any interest and merely nodded once, leavingthe room after saying to hand over the bill to the steward. He never lookedonce in my direction, going away without granting me the permission towithdraw.

            Themerchant looked at the left-behind-me with a troubled face. He asked me if Ihad any requirement or wish for the necklace with a kind of pitying expression.I understood he was feeling sympathy for me. I was a pathetic girl whose fatherwouldn’t even looked at her, only given her jewels. He was surely a merchantwho was dealing with several famous houses. I didn’t know what he thought, butmaybe this scene was one he had never seen in the other families. He probablyhad never come across a father who bought jewels only out of compulsoryobligation. It was only done so that I wouldn’t disgrace our third ranked earlhouse when I make my debut. So that we won’t look like a family who couldn’tafford to buy some precious stones and be looked down by the others.

“But, father’s painting is evenlovelier than the necklace!”

            Silvia’svoice flew to my ear as I casted down my eyes and the pendant came into my lineof sight whether I wanted or not. More than her words, it’s her innocent laughthat made my mood sank. Put down beside the bed, the portrait of Silvia paintedby father was truly well-made. Many colors had been placed on the big canvas.It expressed well the ephemeral beauty of Silvia. At the same time, it made youfeel an overflowing affection. It had the charm to attract the heart of anyoneseeing it. That painting let you understand it had been drawn very carefullyover time. 

            Theone who had painted it was none other than father. The same year he gave me thenecklace, he also offered that painting. “Hey, big sister. You think so too,right?” When I was abruptly brought back to the discussion and tilted my headin wonder, Silvia made a pouting expression. Please, listen properly to the conversation, she protested as shepretended to sulk. “Also, why did you come here today?” I couldn’t help butfeel embarra.s.sed being asked this question after all this time.

            Contactwith Silvia who was in bad physical condition should be kept to the minimum.That was the promise I made to mother a long, long time ago. Therefore, takinga distance from Silvia who was still in poor health until a few days ago and hadyet to return to a normal state was natural for me. However, Silvia said with asaddened expression, “Even if you don’t stand that far away, you won’t catch mydisease you know.” It seemed she didn’t know about mother’s orders.

            Then,wanted to comfort her, father didn’t hide the blame carried in his eyes when heturned them toward me. Even though he should have known everything, he didn’tseem to intent to cover up for me. Just saying, “your mother has order her notto do that” would have been enough, yet he didn’t say it. As Silvia neverblamed mother it would be very unlikely for her to protest, but in the one in amillion chance she would, I supposed he decided to hide the fact his wife had prohibitedme from getting closer. I heard the distant voice of father as he whisperedsoftly, “what a cruel older sister.”

            Ithought it was a very harsh remark, but I understood that no matter what I didit would be useless. That was because this house was revolving around Silvia.Because father, the head of the family, did so and his spouse, mother, was thesame, the servants have also learnt to act like this. Because Silvia’s health waspoor, because Silvia’s physical condition was weak, because Silvia waspitiable, because Silvia was lonely, because Silvia was, Silvia was… … I wonder,until when was it again that I was saddened by this?           

            Thesole exception was only me. Only me could give priority to myself. While eachand everyone, including the servants, were busy worrying about Silvia, I wassitting at my desk, holding onto a pen. Only I, the future marquise, was allowedto do that. Even my parents never took this future for granted like it was thenatural course of events. At dinner, mother would smile and tell me, “Since you’ll be fine even if we leave you byyourself, I can rest a.s.sured,” while father ignored me, keeping quiet. WhenI was young, I thought this was proof that I was being trusted. But it wascertainly not. When was it that I understood I was merely being neglected? Itwasn’t that I was being praised for managing well even if I was alone, nor wasI being told that I would be fine even if I were to only be by myself. Since even if you are left alone, it’s fine,I don’t have to care, was what was a.s.serted as she averted her eyes fromme.

            It’snot like I was coerced into it. It’s not like I was told to work hard bymyself. However, leaving this unsaid was an unfair manner of speaking. So Ireturned a lady-like smile. A perfect armor for the sake of not showing anyemotion. I thought it was the best reaction to take to face those n.o.bles. Then,I gripped my pen once again and headed for my desk.

            Iknew that this alone could support me. Only knowledge, wisdom and educationwould shape me. That’s why I had to work much more harder. No matter how manytimes I repeat my life, only this was always the same.

*

            Sinceit was decided I would be the fiancé of the marquis’ heir and I was introducedto Soleil, most of my time was spent studying for that sake. Originally myqualifications weren’t good enough. After all my memory was average and Iwasn’t very sociable. As much as possible I devoted myself to studying.Secluding myself in the archives of the mansion, from morning to evening I holdmy pen and wrote.

            Sincethe marquis house would have to interact with foreign countries, I thought itwould be better to remember as many foreign languages as possible, and it wasalso necessary to know about the world history accordingly. Because I washoping that such trivial details could become advantageous in diplomacy.Sometimes I studied with a teacher, sometimes by myself. I just single-mindedlypoured all my efforts to not become a fiancé that would embarra.s.s Soleil.

            Severalbooks were piled up on the desk. I thought they would become my strength. Inthat silent room, only the sound of the pen gliding across paper echoed. Theblack tea prepared for a break has already cooled down, but the maids never camehere. From time to time, Al would check on my condition but he didn’t speak andjust left. He was probably worried about breaking my concentration.

Because Ihad sat down on the same chair for who knows how many hours, my lower backhurt. At the time I stretched out and heaved a breath, the silence was cut offby a faint laugher. There was only me in the archive, so naturally, it didn’tcome from inside this room. Lured by the high-pitched voice peculiar to a younggirl that resounded once again, I turned my eyes toward the window. Thesunlight s.h.i.+ning on the red carpet of the archives was dazzling. My eyes spontaneouslyscrutinized the scene behind them. I could see the figures of Silvia and hermaids. They were walking on the sunny lawn as if bouncing on it. The maids werehurrying after the silhouette laughing in a happy voice seemingly about tostart running at any moment. It was a nonchalant scene of a nonchalant ordinaryday. A scene neither special nor unusual. The only thing different was thepersons walking behind them, the master of our house, father. And my mother whowas walking further behind.  

I tiltedmy head, wondering if today was a special day, and from above I overlooked thefigures of my parents and little sister walking in our wide garden, backed inthe suns.h.i.+ne. From the archives located on the second floor, I could really seethem well. I genuinely thought it looked fun, and I reflected on myself who waslurking in the shadows to avoid the sunlight. My dark colored dress seemed kindof ominous. The dress of my little sister fluttering in the wind was of a lightcolor, it looked like it was capturing all the sunlight. Although because ofher fragility there were a lot of times she wasn’t allowed to leave her room, abright place suited her well.  

            Eventually,my seemingly-getting-along-well parents and little sister stopped in one place andlunch was unwrapped before them.  The well-organizedmaids had already brought a table from the mansion. When my fingers followedtheir silhouettes across the gla.s.s of the window, it felt like I could touch thishappy and harmonious family, but it was somewhat painful. These archives werethe place I belong to, it was my job to drive knowledge into my head here. Noone said anything about this, and because mother was making an unusuallysatisfied expression, I thought it was fine. Even now that feeling remainedunshaken. But speaking of interacting with my parents, it only happened duringdinner time. I didn’t even have a memory of having one conversation withfather.

            Ireally wanted to hear is opinion on questions related to the territorymanagement but when I asked the servant to tell him I wanted to ask for hisinstruction, my meeting request was rejected in one word, saying he was busy. Witha hint of sarcasm, I was told there was no free time, not even a few minutes tospare for me.

            Thatperson was looking at Silvia with a smile, standing in front of a canvas placedin the garden. From where I stood, I could see father drawing a picture, and I understoodmy little sister was his model. Was it mother’s role to ascertain that? She wasstanding at a little distance from this two, watching over them. Sometimeslaugher was mixed in their conversation, and its echoes were thoroughly deliveredto the place I stood. I was so far apart from them, and yet I heard it, how strangethat was.

            Apeaceful day. A day lively pa.s.sed with family. And I who was looking at it froma distant place. Incidentally, my line of sight fell on the books of foreignlanguage piled up on the desk. I have to open them right now and learn thewords. Otherwise, I will lose to the other young ladies of my generation. Likethis, I don’t think now is the time to look at the figures of my parents and mylittle sister.

            But,but. My gaze refused to peel off them, in order to break it off, I took a stepback. Immediately my strength left me. I couldn’t support the weight of mybody. My right hand that I extended promptly brushed off the pile of books. Oh no, just as I thought that, the bookscollapsed and at the same time the ink bottle fell over. The deep blue liquidspread on the desk, drops of it felling from its corner one after the other, mercilesslystaining the books on the floor. Confused by the sudden incident, reflexively,I reached out to catch the drops and stop the flow of the ink. From my fingertipsto my wrist everything was dyed dark blue, and while I didn’t know what itrepresented, I thought that the real me might be dirtied all over like this.

            Inmy repeating lives, I did everything in order to protect me. Even when I fellas low as becoming a prost.i.tute, I kept my life by submitting my body. In orderto acc.u.mulate as many “today” as possible. That was my objective, and this andonly this became my life. When I thought so, I irremediably wanted to cry, butwhen the urge to cry arose I strongly shut down my eyes. My clenched teeth madea disagreeable sound. Even so, I didn’t want to loosen my lips. Because itseemed like if I were to relax my strength even the slightest bit, sobbingwould leak out. I kept blinking over and over, waiting for my tears to scatter.With both hands dyed black, I held on my heart atop my clothes.

            …… On the day I made my social debut, the one who escorted me to do the courtesycalls was Soleil. He looked at the pendant decorating my neck and said it was amagnificent jewel. After praising the dressed up me, saying I was “beautiful”in a tone devoid of any emotion, he continued with another comment, Your father’s love for you can be seenthrough it. He had been right. As there was no other stones semblable tothe big gem that was the same color as my eyes, the color of dead leaves, it fetcheda high price for its rarity. It wasn’t wrong to say it was magnificent. It wasalso not wrong to say father’s love could be seen through it.

            Itclearly showed how especially not loved I was.

            Butat that time, it was alright. Because after all, Soleil was here. Because hewas holding my hand, supporting my body when I seemed to be about to fellbecause of my brand-new shoes I wasn’t used to. His cold, freezing gaze evenappeared lovely to me. Just the thought that one day, this man would become myhusband was enough to fill my heart with satisfaction. Probably no one elsewould understand. Understand my craving for other’s warmth because motherwouldn’t embrace me. Understand my feeling that an ordinary painting made by anamateur, something that shouldn’t have any value, was more beautiful andprecious than any gem. How miserable had have been, living while telling myselfthat it wasn’t like I wasn’t loved. That was why I unconditionally loved theman who would become my husband.

“…… Have you ever tried to think why you aren’t loved?”

            Inone of my lives, there had been a person who told me this in that place. Whenthe sunlight felt on the pitch-black robe, I noticed it had just a little bitof a tinge of blue. Even though it was a disturbing conversation, those blackeyes were completely calm.

“Just as there is no reason for loving someone, have you never thoughtthere might be no reason for not being loved?”

            Evenif I thought his porcelain face didn’t look human, I also thought it was affixedwith a somehow grieving expression. That being said, he didn’t seem to beacting. I simply knew those eyes, those eyes that seemed to be doubtingeverything and anything in the world. I was sitting down at the desk, holdingmy pen like usual, but I couldn’t write down a single thing in the notebook.Crow who had dropped his line of sight on that hand laughed once again.   

“Why”

            Thequestion echoed in the archives as the laugher from outside could still befaintly heard.

“Why, has Crow…”

            Myvoice trembled greatly. The pounding of my heart relentlessly grew inside my ears.

“… If there is no reason to love, then what you are doing may bemeaningless.”  

            Beyondmy hazy field of vision, I could see a white face awkwardly smiling at me. ThatCrow would have such a human expression so unlike him made me laughed. Seeingme like this, Crow answered while directing his gaze toward the window, “Even Ilaugh.” I told him that I knew it was meaningless, but maybe because he didn’thear my murmuring voice there was no answer… …

“Why, here,”

            Myfingertips were cold. The me and the Crow inside my memory had certainly exchangedthose words in the archives. But, until know, I hadn’t remembered it. No,rather than that… … I didn’t even have the memory of it.

            Inthe past, I was a person who never forget anything. For that reason, I thoughtI could never cast aside my love. But as my lives piled up my memory becamecloudy. There were things I could recall and things I couldn’t do so anymore.It was surely like this.

            …… There might be something, something very important, that I have forgotten.

Nocta’s talkative note:

First, the most important:

“Sinceyou’ll be fine even if we leave you by yourself, I can rest a.s.sured,”

Since even if you are left alone, it’s fine, I don’t have to care

I don’t know if I made the nuanceclear. In the 2nd sentence, Ilya’s mother is saying “you don’tmatter, I don’t care about you, there is no need to worry about you whether youare left alone or not.” That kind of heartless words. The j.a.panese raw weregreat about those two sentences. Hardly any words changed but the meaningcompletely did.

Now, let’s ramble and chatter:

Aah I died. It was too long.Moreover, it was only huge, compact paragraphs of words. Usually I respect theauthor’s disposition of the text, but this time I cut down the paragraphs tomake it more readable. You might also have been wondering why sometimes thedialogues are standing alone on a line and sometimes they are in the middle ofa paragraph, or even in italic, but that’s all because I’m keeping it the waythe author wrote. Even though I think it’s really messy.

Regarding this chapter’s content,hehe last time we discovered how neglected Ilya had been by her mother, now wesee her father is even worst, he doesn’t even bother pretend to like her. Andthere is the painting! Foreshadowed in a previous chapter as being hanged in acorridor, like a simple decoration, it actually had much more meaning! It’s theproof of how much their father love Silvia more than Ilya! And this painting isonly the beginning, mwahahaha.

Next chapter is as loooong as thisone. I should make it one time, because next week is golden week and I have a 4days weekend. I’ve many things to do however. Paperwork to apply for a Master,another translation project I’m working on which is reaching its deadline,homework, and most important: going out to play, watching anime and reading! 

Oh yeah, anyone playing Hogwartsmystery? I’m in Ravenclaw ^^