If this is the real end – 10

            Ultimately,I simply watched my little sister’s entry on stage. As if I was looking at theevents happening in a distant world. There was nothing to put into words,nothing to interject, I was simply “here” like an ornament. If this was astage, I would be applauding at the appearance of the protagonist, but this wasan unfortunate reality. I could only watch this too good to be true storyunfold before me.

            Therewasn’t any person who would notice that I was looking at this scene. That’s howmuch of a minor character I was. However, perhaps I wasn’t even a character ofthis story, perhaps I was only an onlooker.   

“I heard that Soleil-sama was havinglunch with someone.”

            Silviawho suddenly appeared in the cafeteria shyly declared this while lowering her eyes.

“Oh, I see! When you heard Soleilwas eating with someone else, you came to see that woman’s face!!”

            Ithought this cheerful voice somewhat sounded like it was acting out a play.Saion’s piercing voice echoed in the dining hall, gathering all eyes on us. Inspite of saying the same things as Silvia, didn’t the way he phrased it gave adifferent impression? Although his words could be taken as unpleasant sarcasm,if you examined his expression you would know there wasn’t such a thing and hewas simply teasing her. As the target of his prank was Silvia, an awfullycharming scene was displayed in front of our eyes.

“…n-no, that’s wrong, I-I was…”

            Thecheeks of Silvia who denied Saion’s words with her head hang down were brightred. Somewhere inside the cafeteria, voices mixed with sighs exclaiming “socute!” leaked out. Indeed, my little sister was very adorable. Better yet, itseemed she even charmed the persons of the same s.e.x. When seeing Silvia’sappearance, the people around us would relax and smile. Even if those personsdidn’t know her. She had something that made people want to protect her.

            Fromthe moment Silvia appeared, I had been severed from “this world.” This worldwhere Silvia and Soleil, as well as Saion existed, was separated from me by a gla.s.swindow and the other side I was in became overshadowed. I slowly breathed inand out, grasping my fingers tightly. If I rose my fist, surely, I could breakthat gla.s.s. If I employed force, then it wouldn’t be hard to enter the otherside of this window. But I would be the only one hurt by the slinters of thebroken gla.s.s. They would surely criticize me. For getting in the way of theirrest, of their enjoyment. I would be the only one hurt by their thoughtlesswords, they wouldn’t even notice how they injured me.

            Ipressed my lips that almost drawn an arc unconsciously and looked at them as ifnothing had happened. The three of them who didn’t notice my gaze, werelaughing as if this incident was really amusing. In the first place, it wasimpossible for Soleil to have lunch with an unknown girl of doubtful origin.

“But I’m truly glad. That the one youwere with was big sister.”  

            Walkingto the chair beside me, Silvia who had bent her knees to peer into myexpression narrowed her eyes. Even though she had realized the one sittingopposite to Soleil was me, was there really any meaning in expressively confirmingmy face? Silvia’s cold breath grazed my cheek. She looked truly relieved fromthe bottom of her heart, and while floating a smile she innocently removed her lineof sight. That Soleil was eating with another person, Silvia wasn’t concerned ifit was me. That was surely the case. When she said she was glad I was the onehere, her words only carried this meaning. Because the one who would have beenhurt if Soleil had been having lunch with another girl would be Silvia. So, shewas probably thinking it was great Soleil’s partner for lunch was me.

            Originally,the one who should have been hurt was Soleil’s fiancé, me. But it wasn’t like Silviawas worried for me. Imagining a scene where Soleil was eating with anothergirl, was no more than an unnecessary worry. Silvia was finally starting tocomprehend the signification in this academy of a man eating with a woman whowasn’t his fiancé.

            Whenshe realized the person of the opposite s.e.x who was eating with Soleil was me,Silvia was relieved. That’s what she told us. I wasn’t a person she needed tobe on guard on. She instinctively perceived this. I wasn’t a person worth beingcautious of. She might not be aware of who Soleil had feeling for. However, sheknew he didn’t have any for me.

            …… Ah, why. Why could I understand Silvia’s feelings so well? We will never getclose. There was no future where we both live. 

“… How about you sit with us?”

            Asif to fill the momentary silence, Soleil’s calm voice resounded. It was apleasant and kind voice. To other people, it probably sounded like the samevoice as always. But today, only me realized he was different from usual.

            Hewas different from usual, different from his usual impa.s.sible att.i.tude.

            Myfingers that were holding a fork were faintly trembling, but I tightened mygrip so that no one would be able to realize it. Because I thought it would beunbearable to let other misunderstand the noise I raised in the middle of themeal for sounds made out of anger, like how it happened in the distant past. Asthere was a third party, Saion, here today, I was dealing with the situationwith even more calm than usual. The eyes of outsiders always reminded me of myduty. The position of being the fiancé of the marquis’ heir always forced me to“act.” Showing a composed expression even if I didn’t have any composure, pretendingto be serene even if I was feeling shaken, not showing I was grieving when Iwas overcome with anguish, all of that in order to do the proper thing as an.o.ble lady. It wasn’t that hard as I had acted that role any number of times inmy acc.u.mulated lives. That’s why I should have succeeded in making a smile thatno one would be able to see through and perceive my real emotions.

            Ialso returned a smile to Silvia who laughed from the bottom of her heart andthanks us, “Thank you for inviting me.” There was a kind of composure in hervoice as she lowered her head in embarra.s.sment.

“Is your physical condition alreadyfine?”

            Iasked her this question but something was surely wrong with the words I chose.Hearing me, Silvia nodded her head and started to say something too, “… Yes,hum, is big sister too…” She was probably concerned about the incident thathappened yesterday evening. But the fact I almost drown in the bath wassupposed to remain a confidential matter. Therefore, Silvia also immediatelyrealized her verbal slip and quickly exclaimed “Ah!” in a fl.u.s.tered tone beforeshaking her head. Then, with an apologetic expression, she muttered in amosquito voice “I’m sorry.” Her pitiable appearance as she shrank her body madeSoleil’s face contort in a grim expression for a slip second. His eyes thatswiftly moved to look at my face, even though they knew nothing of ourcirc.u.mstances, felt like they silently condemned me. Pretending I didn’t noticehis glare, I said, “It is fine, Silvia. Do not worry.” However, I couldn’t erasethe unpleasant mood that had fallen on our table.    

“What isit? What happened?” As expected, the one who gleefully took the bait was Saion.Silvia awkwardly rose her head and laughed as if she was embarra.s.sed, “No, it’snothing.” “If you say that, it’ll make me all the more curious, you know?”Saion pushed Soleil to get his approval, repeating “Right, right?” whilesuggestively curving his lips in a twist. “… It really is nothing.” When Istrengthened my tone intending to back up Silvia, for some reason the one whoshowed a reaction was the person herself. “I’m sorry, elder sister,” she saidas she made her delicate body smaller and smaller. It wasn’t like I was mean toher, so why was she making such an expression? But mysteriously, as I was watchingher little face, Saion rebuked, “Hey, hey, don’t make that kind of expression.”Even though I understood his words were clearly directed at me, I didn’tremember having shown an expression that would justify receiving such scolding.I wondered if I looked like I was scowling. But naturally, I didn’t have thatintention. That’s why, if it had been the me of a while ago, I would probablyhave lost my cool and even objected. That being blamed while I hadn’t doneanything was too unreasonable. But, now I knew that if I were to do such athing, the one who would receive a drawback would be me. I repeatedly inhaledand exhaled small breaths to spit out the lumps of heat that had acc.u.mulatedinside my stomach and dropped my eyes. I thought I had no other choice but toescape from the gazes of my surroundings.     

            Atthe corner of my vision, Soleil was elegantly moving his fork and knife. Hewasn’t showing any interest in our conversation. No, that’s not it. He probablydidn’t have any interest in “me.”

           “HeySoleil, you want to know too, right?” To Saion who was acting lively, Soleil’scalm voice answered, “Be quiet. If you’re like this, Silvia won’t be able toenjoy her meal.” As every last words of his was spoken out of concern forSilvia, this time I couldn’t restrain my laugher. Soleil noticed the puffingthat escaped my lips. It’s only at time like this he was sharp sighted.

“Ilya?”

            Everytime he called my name, my heart tightened a little. In one of my past lives,he never called out my name even once. I had been drowned in jeers, called“hateful,” told I would “never be forgiven” and my heart had been smashed by astabbing glare. I remember that figure of him very well. Even though the thingsI couldn’t remember were numerous, only the scene of Soleil rejecting me wasengraved in my memory. Even if I didn’t want to remember, no matter how much Iwanted to forget, I always remembered it.

            WhenI smiled despite the overwhelming emotions that made me feel nauseated, itirremediably became a painful expression of mixed tears and smile. The moment Irose my face, I met eyes with Soleil. At that instant, he promptly turned hiseyes away. As if nothing had happened. I think it was the right reaction. Itwas his usual self. Unlike the time he was alone with Silvia, now he was nodifferent from usual. But I saw him react like this and I was surprised at thefact he didn’t throw any cruel word at me, really the one who was abnormal wasme

“And so? What the h.e.l.l happened?”

            Nothaving given up yet, Saion was gazing at Silvia with his body leaning forward.I told him, “Do not bother that child too much please.” It was almost anunconscious action. I didn’t have anything in mind when I spoke up. I hadsimply saw Silvia slightly frown. I only showed a reaction to that face thataroused an absolute desire to protect. But the one who reacted to my voice wasa student sitting at the table next to ours. From who knew when, it seemed hehad been listening to our conversation.

“… As the rumors said, she’s a fiercewoman.”

            Thevoice felt like its owner spoke up unconsciously. And precisely because ofthat, I understood it was his true thoughts. He didn’t seem to be talking tosomeone else, rather it sounded like he was speaking to himself, and the voicescattered and dispersed in the cafeteria. But it resounded vividly in my ears.Because I knew they were words directed toward me. Everyone was sensitive tothe words filled with malice directed at themselves. I glanced at Soleil’s,Saion’s and Silvia’s faces to see if they had noticed it, but their attentionhad already s.h.i.+fted on something else. Such nonchalant att.i.tudes seemed to besaying they didn’t care the slightest about me. Once again, the world was tornin two.

“… Ilya?”

            Thebreak would end in around five minutes when Soleil noticed my unusual behavior.Although he didn’t even show the slightest sign of awareness toward me who stayedsilent until now, I guess he couldn’t help but call out to his fiancé who washanging her head down when his line of sight fell on her on a whim. That’sprobably it. He had been like this from long ago. He would always continue to bemy “proper fiancé”.

“No, it is nothing…”

            AndI will continue to be a convenient fiancé for him.

I’llcontinue while knowing it’s an empty and fruitless relation devoid of any salvation.Even my willpower to change something has been shaved off, I could only accept thereality. What on earth has my previous self accomplished?  And the one before her? What about the one fromeven before? Have I, in any of my lives, managed to achieve anything at all? Inorder to be with Soleil, or maybe, in order to prepare for my unreasonable death,I tried to live but. This, did it have any meaning at all?

No matterwhat, why and how I did things, I could never get Soleil’s heart. Even though Irealized it a long time ago…

I wasunable to forget the little hand extended toward me.

Soleil’shand was surely a reed, a gra.s.s, a twig, the root of a tree. It was floating atthe surface of the water, and I desperately grabbed it. You could say that forme, who was drowning at the bottom of the river, I had no other choice but tocling and rely on it. Even if, despite seizing it, it didn’t mean I could getmy head above the water. After all, it wasn’t like I had received somethingthat would pull me up. Still, I, who kept struggling, couldn’t help but clutchon something. I don’t know if I maybe wanted to be saved. But, because I was awfullyterrified at the thought of sinking alone…. I carefully wrapped both handsaround the leaves of the small, small gra.s.s that were embracing my chest. Eventhough I felt that something important was reflected beyond the other side ofthe water. My consciousness will disappear while I’ll be unable to judge whatit was.

After all,it was better like this. It was better to not know anything…it’s better… this way.

Nocta’s announcement:

Bad News Everyone!

I’ll take a break from translatinguntil the end of July. University is killing me with reports, reports and even more reports. I only have 6weeks left in j.a.pan, so I want to enjoy it to the maximum!

The good news is that I’ll translatemore in August. And also, I technically could translate one or two morechapters, but horrible cliffhangers are coming, so I’m being nice to you bystopping now! (Well, I know you are all a bunch of m.a.s.o.c.h.i.s.ts for reading thisnovel but…)   

Anyway, I’ll definitively come backin August, so don’t worry. If anyone is desperate enough to fight with GoogleTrad, the next chapter is this one: