TheSecond Life – 1

Clank! The sound of porcelain colliding togetherresounded in my ears. That was how my second life started.

“What happened? Iria.”

Soleilpeers in my direction. Inside my head, memories of my already ended previouslife rush over. It seems I’m about to faint. In front of my eyes is that samewhite table than at that time. The tea wares prepared for that day had beenwhite porcelains adorned with the lovely design of scattered little flowers. Ihad expressly ordered it from the regular merchant who had goods my littlesister seemed to like. The black tea leaves had been prepared for Soleil whohad always liked their fragrance, while several kinds of freshlybacked pastries had been made separately for Soleil who didn’t like sweetthings and for Silvia who liked them. Disregarding the words of our mother whosaid it was alright to entrust it to the maid, I had arranged it myself. If Ididn’t do it, I wouldn’t have been able to calm down.

Until thistea party, until this instant, my little sister had been ‘my cute, lovelySilvia." Soleil was unmistakably my fiancé, the sole person who cherished me.For their sake, I had polished every detail to make this tea party an enjoyable event,made preparations beforehand, set instructions, and made plans so that the twoof them could spend time in a relaxed mood. So, I had been thinking thatanything and everything would go well. Until the moment the two of them met.

The gardenwhere roses selectively bred were blooming beautifully was my mother’s prideand the place in which tea parties were held each time a guest was invited.That’s why this time too, it had been used. Because I had thought by doing so,nothing could go wrong. Arranging the tableware, pulling on the cloth, lettingthe maids set the tea and pastries. In that place, I waited for my littlesister and my fiancé. While having a pleasant chat with my fiancé who hadappeared first, I waited for my little sister to come. That child had beenlaughing and saying she was feeling great this morning. So, she wouldpartic.i.p.ate in the tea party without fail. Thanks G.o.d. I was thinking I wantedto make the introductions as soon as possible. I wanted to introduce to my cute littlesister the fiancé I boasted about.

Then, as Iwas casually talking with my fiancé, I heard the footsteps of someone steppingon the lawn. ‘Ah, my little sister has arrived’, I thought and rose my head.Suddenly, when my line of sight landed on my fiancé who was sitting at my side,he had the expression of someone who was befuddled. His usuallyimpeccable, toned profile, appeared somewhat idiotic as he was wearing astrange expression. Seeing this, my heart became stiff.      

… … Ah,once again.

Someonewhispered this inside my head. For a second, my breathing stopped.

… … Thistime too, it happened.

Veryclearly, a voice I knew, said this.  

Carrying apale pink rose that my mother had put great efforts into raising, Silvia iswalking toward us. The beige dress that was close to a white hue matches herclear white skin well. With her loosely tied silver hairs that are flutteringin the breeze, her appearance closely resembles the picture of angels seen atthe church. I know that my blood is being drained from my complexion. To blockmy field of vision, when I close my wide opened eyes, memories of my first lifeflow through my head. My trembling hand drop the cup I am holding on itssaucer with a clank. 

“What happened? Iria.”

When Inotice, Soleil who should have been sitting beside me had got up. Across him,my little sister Silvia stands here. I can see the figures overlap. Oncebefore, I had seen the two of them standing side by side like this. Yes, once,in my previous life. At this moment that repeats itself, in the blink of aneye, memories of my already lost life are recalled. I suppress the screamthat is about to escape my lips with both hands.

That I wasstill somewhat able to not lose myself, I think it was probably due to myattachment to Soleil.

I hadnever forgotten the failure made at that first tea party. That’s why, somewhereinside my confused head, the me of the previous life warns me I absolutelymustn’t fail this time. I have to smile. That’s what I thought right away. Fendit off with a smile. I must forgive the two of them who are staring at eachother.

When I getup in a fl.u.s.ter and b.u.mp my foot on the table, the tableware on it make a strangely intense sound. 

“What happened? It’s not like you” says Soleil while smiling wryly. 

I realize that under my dress my feet are trembling.

“I apology.”

When Ismile, Soleil also answers with a smile and stroke my back in a smoothmotion. Receiving that gesture that seemed comforting, I almost erupted in cryin spite of myself. The figure that had called me a murderer, had spat words ofhatred saying he would never ever forgive me, was presently not here.

I thoughtI was granted a chance. That G.o.d had granted me a chance to redo my life. ThatG.o.d had taken side with me who had met a sorrowful end due to false accusations.

“Soleil-sama, this is my littlesister Silvia.”

Smiling, Imake a quite natural expression rise to my face. When you are born as a n.o.ble,you will become able to easily paste such an expression on your face. Seeing melike this, Soleil also shows a smile. His eyes which are looking at me, asexpected, don’t contain any emotion at all. But at least, there is no color ofcontempt.

“It is a pleasure to meet you, bigbrother.”

Soleilmoves his line of sight from me to Silvia. For a mere moment, their line ofsight cross. While looking at this scene, I suppress my pounding heart atop myclothes. In his eyes that look like a layer of thin ice, a color different fromusual had flicked then disappeared. I had certainly seen it. 

“Nice to meet you, little sister.Isn’t it still a bit too soon to call me ‘big brother’ though?”

             Ah, I see. If like this, I calmly serve asthis tea party host, will this time proceed this peacefully? The noisiness ofthe disturbance that happened in the previous time doesn’t exist, only a gentleand soft breeze is blowing.

            It’salright, it’s alright, I can do it. I won’t tread on the same path than lasttime. It won’t become the same, never, it won’t lead to that.

            Soleilfixedly stares at Silvia’s face who lowers her eyes and says with a mild-manneredexpression that her body is not very healthy. I didn’t fail to notice thosefingertips that moved with a twitch. I am sure he wants to touch my littlesister. He must yearn for that ephemeral being. His fingers which touched mewithout the slightest hesitation, were afraid to touch my little sister. Itseems like a voice telling himself ‘I want to touch, but I cannot’ wasresounding in his ears.

            ‘Youcan’t. You mustn’t lose your composure’ warns the me of the previous life.While striking a trifling conversation with Soleil and Silvia, I persuade bothmy head and my heart by repeating any number of times ‘I understand, It’salright.’ I don’t want to be disliked by Soleil. I don’t want to be hated. Evenif I have returned to an already irremediable situation due to my behavioruntil now, in that case I at least must avoid being hated. If it’s now, Isurely can do it. After all, I knew all the incident that would happen from nowon. All I have to do is to correct the mistakes. Everything will go well if Icorrect every single error I made. Isn’t it a simple thing to do? Just likehow I’m doing now in that tea party, I certainly can manage it well.

            …… This second life of mine, just like this, started to retrace the path treadedin my first life.

            Whatwould make Soleil feels displeased if said, what would end up in a failure ifdone, all the things the past me hadn’t been able to see, were terribly clearto me. Rather than saying I vividly remembered my previous life, it was morecorrect to say I distinctly knew what would happen after this. Before anythinghad even started, the incidents that would occur from now on were reenacted in frontof my eyes. So, I chose the alternatives that would lead to a happier life thanin my previous existence. It was simple. I just had to follow the opposite pathof last time.

            However,even so, there were occasions on which no matter what, things wouldn’t go theexact way I had desired. For example, in a town I didn’t know, theyunexpectedly happened to meet. Or that time when Soleil went to visit Silvia whowas lying in bed due to her sickness. There was also the fact that, before Iknew it, Silvia had become acquaintance with Soleil’s friend. In this way,there were incidents I couldn’t take part in and couldn’t correct the way I hadwanted to. At those times, I had no other choice but to believe in the huge flowI couldn’t go against, namely the force called fate.

            Inother words, no matter what I did, I couldn’t prevent the two of them fromloving each other.

            IfI had to said what could be done, at most, it was preventing Soleil fromharboring animosity toward me. That was all I could do. It was only to thatextent.

            Butin fact, even if it was only this, it brought me a lot more pain that what Ihad imagined.

             I had thought I could do it well. To be frank,it can be said I had underestimate life. Because I had experienced it once, Ifelt like I was G.o.d and thought I could chose the right path. No, actually,because there was only one path I could chose, I intended to follow it.

            Alife devoid of choices, how much worth does it hold?

            Sucha thing, does it hold any meaning? I sealed away the words that convey myfeelings, I didn’t do the things I wanted to do. I became detached from honestyand shut down my real thoughts in the depth of my chest. My thoughts didn’taccompany the words that left my mouth, as if, I was only reciting from memorya line someone had written, like I was trapped in an illusion. Sometimes, I didn’t evenknow if I was breathing.

            AmI really living my own life?

            Everyday that piled up, each time I became older, I came to ask myself such a question.

            Then,following the days that were pa.s.sed in that way, Soleil and I gotmarried. It was the same as in my first life. The decisive difference was thatSilvia and I had built a good relations.h.i.+p as sisters. And Soleil and I hadalso become able to face each other much more than in my previous life.   
            Lifewas going better than the previous time. 

            But,it was an irremediably vain life.

            Itwas a lot similar to the days spent praying in that jail. There were no exits.I didn’t have any freedom. Nor means to convey my thoughts.