“My name is Gilbert…Gilbert Bedivere…”

The first time we met, we only introduced ourselves to each other.

Even though, it’s been such a long time, I’ve never forgotten about our first meeting.

It might be because of his golden hair which resembles warm sunshine in the afternoon…

or his innocent smile from that day.

I hate women.

It’s something like a joke for a Gawain. Gawain must have a beautiful child and I was able to fulfil this requirement with beautiful features I’ve inherited from my mother but that was also what brought shame to the Gawain household.

I was s.e.xually hara.s.sed by a maid.

Actually, that might be too gentle a word. I was pressed down, pinned to the floor, that maid was smarter than I thought, she drugged me, making me powerless. She spouted how much she loved my hair, eyes, gestures and smell…

Her desires repulsed me, I wanted to vomit, I wanted to tremble…

I wanted to ‘kill’ her.

But, I was powerless so, I could only lay there and swallow my dignity. Good thing, before she could do ‘stuff’, someone came to rescue me.

Father was mad, I’ve never seen him like this before, when he spoke, he told me how much of a disgrace I was. We can hide it from the commoners but we definitely can’t hide this from the other Dukes. No matter who the mansion belongs to, there’ll always be spies from other Dukes, even if we may be colleagues.

“…You utterly disgraced the household…”, father sighed, even just opening his mouth, he holds Gawain in his mind, “May be…I might have hopes too high for you…

I felt nothing inside, but what I did was make it seem as if I was sad and started to cry.

“Father…I…”

“Nigel…”, father closed his eyes, “leave for now…I have a lot of ‘things’ to think about right now”.

Suddenly I thought about mother, about Gawain…

“I don’t want anything…o-or do you want another child, th-then should we make a contract? Do-don’t see me for 10 years…o-or I’ll give you two more and please let me go…”.

‘Things’ that father spoke of…was Gawain in need of a new ‘heir’?

This was too much of a disgraceful incident to be able to brush it off easily. It might be true that it’s not something one can use it against you but beings called Dukes…are more modest than you think.

I thought about it for a while and decided, “Father…I…I think this could both be our weakness…and our strength”.

“Hm?”

“Having a weakness known to everyone…”, I looked downwards, “it will make them lower their guards…since they will think I am harmless or controllable or they can use something against me…at that moment I will be able to close into them…”.

Father lowered his eyes, I could sense delight in them, “What do you mean Nigel?”.

“As long as they lower their guards out of trust, I will be able to observe and…’control’ them”.

Those who are strong are often unafraid of the weak and since they hold one of our secrets, they’ll lower their guard because of arrogance. They can treat the weak as targets with easy bulls-eye but they will never know that the target was fake…

an easy target to lure those who are strong in before viciuosly counterattacking.

“Nigel Gawain ‘will’ be scared of girls…”, an easy weakness, an easy target.

I’m not worried I’ll ever let this secret out accidentally, I don’t think I’ll be able to fall in love with a woman, another thing…a lover would be chosen accordingly to the household’s desire either ways.

I’ll accept who ever. 

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Gilbert Bedivere is easily controllable.

As long as I play the part of an adorable younger brother, smile and seek attention at times and be gentle, just doing this would put a smile on his face, which is good, but the worse thing is this Bedivere isn’t what I thought he would be.

I don’t know if he’s talented or not but I know he’s lazy and rather listless.

He lives a carefree life, smiles and laughs all the time, he’s like a commoner who carries nothing on their shoulders even if his last name may be ‘Bedivere’.

“I like it when Nigel smiles”, since he said something like this, I started to smile all the time, just lifting the corners of your mouth isn’t something hard, “the wider your smile is, the happier you are that’s why…!”.

He pinched my cheeks…and laughed.

“Nigel, you’re gonna be super duper happy!”

Gilbert’s a r.e.t.a.r.d.

Surprisingly, Haref has taken an extreme liking to Gilbert. Even when Gilbert’s reduced to nothing, Haref still behaved as usual around him which was mainly why Gilbert wasn’t left alone, you have to understand, even though we’re colleagues, many of us have to respect the Lancelots.

Which was why I asked Haref, the response I got was simply an unreadable smile. When I asked father he flatly said, “…Lancelot’s bad habits, you do not have to pay them any heed”.

After that day, Gilbert attempted to come see me but since he has nothing I wanted, I chose to avoid him, when I did that he would always look just like a child abandoned by their parents.

I looked at his shadow which was filled with sadness and laughed.

I thought…he’s kinda cute.

But when I did that too much, Haref was the one who told me to go take to Gilbert.

“I’m annoyed.”, Haref closed his rainbow coloured eyes, “He whines three times a day after every meal…I know you’ve not come to a decision yet but at least tell him what you’re thinking or else I think I’ll go mad soon”.

“…I’m sorry, it’s just…”

Facing Haref is no different from facing Gilbert, everything’s fine as long as I put on the ‘cute younger brother’ facade.

“I wasn’t telling you off Nigel”, Haref smiled, “to me, you guys are irreplaceable best friends…that’s why…if I can help you make up in anyway, I’ll help but I’m not forcing you to.”.

I looked downwards and said nothing.

Bedivere is useless but Lancelot’s something else.

“I respect your decisions.”, Haref pated my head, “No matter what your decisions may be, whether it’s for your household or what not…to me, Nigel Gawain is a best friend to me just like Gilbert Bedivere…”.

“Thank you, Haref…”

“…Gilbert likes you a lot”, Haref couldn’t contain his smile, “he might be a good for nothing  but his sincerity…I…think it’s true that Bediveres are sincere and honest. “.

…I know that even if you didn’t tell me…

But sincerity isn’t something I want…what I want is the power to control you.

Because Lancelots exist and I’m a Gawain…a Gawain who will become the leader of the knights of the round table. I can’t be weak nor can my talents be inferior to anyone’s…

Sometimes I just want to ask…

Is it… a curse to be born a Gawain?

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The next time we met, I had an answer in my mind.

When it was only us in the room, I was going to tell him but Gilbert was acting weird…as if he’s not the same person.

Some kind of irritation came into my mind.

“You don’t have to say anything Nigel…Gawain.”

Gilbert calls me ‘Nigel’, he never calls me with my surname.

Gilbert would always have a faint smile, he’s never smiled with the corner of his lips.

If it’s him…

Before I knew it, I stopped putting on an act…it was if I couldn’t control myself, my hands and feet went before I could stop them.

I asked myself…what made me so confident? In truth it might have been Gilbert who’s been putting on a facade all this time…

I could’t stop myself until the other fainted, my reasons returned, I couldn’t understand myself and what’s up with saying ‘my Gil’ anyways…I seriously don’t understand myself…

If I asked father…what kind of answer would he give me…

“Ah…”, I rubbed my hair and slapped my cheeks in confusion, “I don’t like this…”.

I don’t like it that I’m behaving like an idiot like this…

Gawain…Gawain…Gawain…I must do everything for Gawain, or else…another ‘Gawain’ may replace me…

Good thing when Gilbert was awake, he seemed to think it was just a dream so, I put in the facade of a ‘confused younger brother’ who’s struggling to choose between his friend or his household.

“I…I don’t know what I should do…to make it so…that it’s proper…as a Gawain…”.

“Do what you want to do Nigel. Whatever you want to do, just do it. You’re a Gawain and so what? Your name is still Nigel before Gawain isn’t it?”.

Nigel…

That name’s just an ornament.

For a moment, I felt oddly sad…I knew, even if I didn’t exist, ‘Gawain’ would still be able to strive…but I can’t live without Gawain.

The word ‘Gawain’ is carved into my whole life…

“Nigel, you can think for your household, you can do things for your household but you also have to do things for yourself…”

“Please…love yourself more…”

Love…myself?

In this life, has anyone ever told me to love myself…

Ever since I can remember, it’s always been the same endlessly repeating words.

“We are Gawain.”

All my thoughts are dedicated to Gawain, I’m bound with Gawain, I live for Gawain and sometimes…if I die…

it would also be for Gawain…

It was the first time where I ‘truly’ felt, I wanted to burst into tears.

But nothing came out, even though I could feel my heart beating rapidly, I didn’t know what kind of expression I had at that time but I decided to hug him…

“Thank you…big bro Gil.”

And I broke into a smile…but this time I truly felt happy, happier than any other times.

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That day when we met, he forced me to smile.

My cheeks were pulled until they hurt, when my smile became as wide as he wanted, the person in front of me smiled in delight.

“I like it when Nigel smiles”

“the wider your smile is, the happier you are that’s why…!”.

“Nigel, you’re gonna be super duper happy!”

There’s something I’ve never told him.

Actually…I also like it when he smiles.

That’s why…

please continue smiling cutely like this forever.

Nigel’s type: Smiles

Has a dark personality but cute af type.

Author’s note:

Has anyone noticed their descriptions at the start?

Interpret it in anyway you’d like.

Haref – born with blessings from angels

Nigel – a person perfected by ‘humans’.

RIP me. I hate jet lags.