"Me too," Doolittle agrees earnestly.

"So how"s about we unpack this lot and find ourselves a spot of food?" Milton suggests.

"Good idea," says Doolittle.

But what they"re really thinking is: if the match is rained off, what on earth will Dima do?

Perry"s mobile is ringing. Hector.

"Hi, Tom," says Perry idiotically.

"Checked in OK, Milton?"

"Fine, just fine. Good trip. Everything went perfectly," Perry says with enough enthusiasm for both of them.

"You"re on your own tonight, OK?"

"You said."

"Doolittle in the pink?"

"Blooming."

"Call if you need anything. Service round the clock."

In the hotel"s minuscule hallway on their way out, Perry discusses his anxieties about the weather with a formidable lady named Madame Mere after the mother of Napoleon. He has known her from his student days and Madame Mere, if she is to be believed, loves Perry like a son. She stands four foot nothing in her bedroom slippers and n.o.body, according to Perry, has ever seen her without a headscarf over her curlers. Gail enjoys hearing Perry rattling away in French, but his fluency has always been a challenge to her, perhaps because he is not forthcoming about his early instructors.

At a tabac tabac in the rue de l"Universite, Milton and Doolittle eat indifferent steak frites and a tired salad and agree it"s the best in the world. They don"t finish their litre of house red, so take it back to their hotel. in the rue de l"Universite, Milton and Doolittle eat indifferent steak frites and a tired salad and agree it"s the best in the world. They don"t finish their litre of house red, so take it back to their hotel.

"Just do whatever you"d normally do," Hector had told them airily. "If you"ve got Paris-based buddies and want to hang out with them, why not?"

Because we wouldn"t be doing what we normally do, is why not. Because we don"t want to be hanging out in a St Germain cafe with our Paris-based buddies when we"ve got an elephant called Dima sitting in our heads. And because we don"t want to have to lie to them about where we got our tickets for tomorrow"s Final.

Back in their room, they drink the rest of the red out of tooth-mugs and make deep and adoring love without speaking a word, the best. When morning comes Gail sleeps late out of nervousness, and wakes to find Perry watching the rain spotting the grimy window, and worrying again about what Dima will do if the match is cancelled. And if it"s postponed till Monday Gail"s thought now will she have to call her Chambers with another c.o.c.k-and-bull story about a sore throat, which is Chambers code for a bad period?

Suddenly everything is linear. After coffee and croissants brought to their bedside by Madame Mere with an appreciative murmur to Gail of "Quel t.i.tan alors" and a vacuous call from Luke asking whether they had a good night and are they feeling fit for tennis, they lie in bed discussing what to do before start of play at 3 p.m., allowing plenty of time to get to the stadium and find their seats and settle in.

Their answer is to take it in turns to use the tiny handbasin and dress, then march at Perry"s pace to the Musee Rodin, where they attach themselves to a queue of schoolchildren, make it to the gardens in time to be rained on, shelter under the trees, take refuge in the museum cafe and peer through the doorway while they try to work out which way the clouds are moving.

Abandoning their coffees by mutual consent, but for no reason either of them can fathom, they agree to explore the gardens of the Champs-Elysees, only to find them closed on the grounds of security. Mich.e.l.le Obama and her children are in town, according to Madame Mere, but it"s a State secret, so only Madame Mere and all Paris knows.

The gardens of the Marigny Theatre, however, turn out to be open and empty, except for two elderly Arab men in black suits and white shoes. Doolittle selects a bench, Milton approves her choice. Doolittle stares into the chestnut trees, Milton at a map.

Perry knows his Paris and has of course fathomed exactly how they will reach the Roland Garros Stadium metro to here, bus to there, a fat safety margin to make sure they meet Tamara"s deadline.

Nevertheless, it makes sense for him to be burying his face in the map, because what else is there to do if you"re a young couple on a spree in Paris and have decided, like a pair of idiots, to sit on a park bench in the rain?

"Everything on course, Doolittle? No little problems we can solve for you?" Luke directly to Gail this time, sounding like the Perkins" all-male family doctor when she was a girl: Sore throat, Gail? Why don"t we have those clothes off and take a look? Sore throat, Gail? Why don"t we have those clothes off and take a look?

"No problems, nothing you can help us with, thanks," she replies. "Milton tells me we"ll be hitting the trail in half an hour." And there"s nothing wrong with my throat either. And there"s nothing wrong with my throat either.

Perry folds his map. Talking to Luke has made Gail feel angry and conspicuous. Her mouth has dried up, so she sucks in her lips and licks them from the inside. How much madder does this get? They return to the empty pavement and set course up the hill towards the Arc de Triomphe, Perry stalking ahead of her the way he does when he wants to be alone and can"t.

"What the f.u.c.k f.u.c.k d"you think you"re doing?" she hisses into his ear. d"you think you"re doing?" she hisses into his ear.

He has dodged into an airless shopping mall that is blaring out rock music. He is peering into a darkened window as if his whole future is revealed there. Is he playing spy? and incidentally flouting Hector"s injunction not to look for imaginary watchers?

No. He"s laughing. And a moment later, thank G.o.d, so is Gail as, arms slung round one another"s shoulders, they gaze in disbelief at a veritable a.r.s.enal of spy toys: brand-name photographic wrist.w.a.tches that cost ten thousand euros, briefcase microphone kits and telephone scramblers, night-vision gla.s.ses, stun guns in all their glorious variety, pistol holsters with non-slip lap-straps as optional extras, and pick-your-own bullets of pepper, paint or rubber: welcome to Ollie"s black museum for the paranoid executive who has nothing.

There had been no bus to take them there.

They hadn"t ridden on the metro.

The pinch on the b.u.m she"d received from a departing pa.s.senger old enough to be her grandfather was non-operative.

They had been wafted here, and that was how they had come to be standing in a queue of courteous French citizens at the left side of the western gate to the Roland Garros Stadium exactly twelve minutes before the time appointed by Tamara.

It was also how Gail came to be smiling her way weightlessly past benign uniformed gatekeepers who were only too happy to smile back at her; then sauntering with the crowd down an avenue of tented shops to the thump-chump of an unseen bra.s.s band, the mooing of Swiss alphorns and the unintelligible advice of male loudspeakers.

But it was Gail the cool-headed courtroom lawyer who counted off the sponsors" names on the shopfronts: Lacoste, Slazenger, Nike, Head, Reebok and which one did Tamara say in her letter? don"t pretend you"ve forgotten.

"Perry" tugging hard at his arm "you promised me faithfully faithfully you"d buy me some decent tennis shoes. you"d buy me some decent tennis shoes. Look Look."

"Oh, did I? So I did," agrees Perry alias Milton, as a bubble saying REMEMBERS! REMEMBERS! appears over his head. appears over his head.

And with more conviction than she might have expected of him, he cranes forward to examine the latest thing by Adidas.

"And it"s high time you bought some for yourself yourself too, and threw away that stinky old pair with verdigris round the uppers," bossy Doolittle tells Milton. too, and threw away that stinky old pair with verdigris round the uppers," bossy Doolittle tells Milton.

"Professor! I swear to G.o.d! My friend! You don"t remember me?" My friend! You don"t remember me?"

The voice had come at them without warning: the disembodied voice of Antigua bellowing above the three winds.

Yes, I do remember you, but I"m I"m not the Professor. not the Professor.

Perry is.

So I"ll keep looking at the latest thing in Adidas tennis shoes, and let Perry go first before I turn my head in an appropriately delighted and highly astonished manner, as Ollie would say.

Perry is going first. She feels him leave her side and turn. She measures the length of time it takes for him to believe the evidence of his eyes.

"Christ, Dima Dima! Dima from Antigua! incredible!"

Not too much, Perry, keep it down "What in Heaven"s name are you you doing here! Gail, doing here! Gail, look look!"

But I won"t look. Not at once. I"m eyeing shoes, remember? And eyeing shoes, I"m always distracted, I"m on a different planet actually, even tennis shoes. Absurdly, as it had seemed to them at the time, they had practised this moment outside a sports shop in Camden Town that specialized in athletics shoes, and again in Golders Green, first with Ollie overplaying the back-slapping Dima and Luke playing innocent bystander, then with their roles reversed. But now she was glad of it: she knew her lines.

So pause, hear him, wake, turn. Then Then be delighted and highly astonished. be delighted and highly astonished.

"Dima! Oh my G.o.d G.o.d. It"s you you! You marvel! This is just totally this is amazing amazing!" followed by her ecstatic mouse-squeak, the one she uses for opening Christmas parcels, as she watches Perry dissolve into the huge torso of a Dima whose delight and astonishment are no less spontaneous than her own: "What you do do here, Professor, you lousy G.o.ddam tennis player!" here, Professor, you lousy G.o.ddam tennis player!"

"But Dima, what are you you doing?" Perry and Gail together now, a chorus of yaps in different keys, as Dima roars on. doing?" Perry and Gail together now, a chorus of yaps in different keys, as Dima roars on.

Has he changed? He"s paler. The Caribbean sun"s worn off. Yellow half-moons under the s.e.xy brown eyes. Sharper downward lines at the corners of the mouth. But the same stance, the same backward lean saying "come at me if you dare". The same Henry the Eighth placing of the little feet.

And the man"s an absolute natural for the stage, just listen to this: "You think Federer gonna p.u.s.s.y this Soderling guy the way you p.u.s.s.y me me? you think he gonna tank the G.o.ddam match because he love fair play? Gail, I swear to G.o.d, come here! I gotta hug this girl, Professor! You married her yet? You G.o.ddam crazy!" as he draws her into his enormous chest, driving his whole body against her, starting with a clammy, tear-stained cheek, then his chest, then the bulge of his crotch until even their knees are touching; then shoves her away from him in order to bestow the obligatory three kisses of the Trinity on her cheeks, left side, right side, left side again while Perry does "well, I must say this really is is the most ridiculous, totally improbable coincidence", with rather more academic detachment than Gail thinks appropriate: a little short on spontaneity in her opinion, and she"s making up for it with a thrilled gabble of too many questions all at once: the most ridiculous, totally improbable coincidence", with rather more academic detachment than Gail thinks appropriate: a little short on spontaneity in her opinion, and she"s making up for it with a thrilled gabble of too many questions all at once: "Dima, darling darling, how are Katya and Irina, for Heaven"s sake? I just can"t stop thinking about them!" true "Are the twins playing cricket cricket? How"s Natasha Natasha? Where have you all been been? Ambrose said you"d all gone to Moscow Moscow. Is that where you all went? For the funeral? You look so well well. How"s Tamara? How are all those weird, lovely friends and relations you had around you?"

Did she really really say that last bit? Yes she did. And while she"s saying it, and intermittently receiving bits of answer in reply, she is becoming aware, if only in soft focus, of smartly dressed men and women who have paused to watch the show: another Dima-supporters" club, apparently, but of a younger, slicker generation, far removed from the mossy bunch a.s.sembled in Antigua. Is that Baby-Face Niki lurking among them? If so, he"s bought himself an Armani summer suit in beige with fancy cuffs. Are the link bracelet and the deep-sea-diver"s watch nestling inside them? say that last bit? Yes she did. And while she"s saying it, and intermittently receiving bits of answer in reply, she is becoming aware, if only in soft focus, of smartly dressed men and women who have paused to watch the show: another Dima-supporters" club, apparently, but of a younger, slicker generation, far removed from the mossy bunch a.s.sembled in Antigua. Is that Baby-Face Niki lurking among them? If so, he"s bought himself an Armani summer suit in beige with fancy cuffs. Are the link bracelet and the deep-sea-diver"s watch nestling inside them?

Dima is still talking and she is hearing what she doesn"t want to hear: Tamara and the children flew straight from Moscow to Zurich yes, Natasha too, she don"t like G.o.ddam tennis, she wanna get home to Berne, read and ride a bit. Chill out. Does she also gather that Natasha hadn"t been all that well, or was it her imagination? Everyone is conducting three conversations at once: "Don"t you teach G.o.ddam kids kids no more, Professor?" mock outrage "you gonna teach no more, Professor?" mock outrage "you gonna teach French French kids be English gentlemen once? Listen, where you sitting? Some G.o.ddam bird house, top floor, right?" kids be English gentlemen once? Listen, where you sitting? Some G.o.ddam bird house, top floor, right?"

Followed by, presumably, a rendering of the same witty suggestion over his shoulder in Russian. But it must have got lost in translation, because few of the group of smartly dressed onlookers smile, except for a spruce little dancer of a man at their centre. At first glance, Gail takes him to be a tour guide of some sort, for he is wearing a very visible cream-coloured nautical blazer with an anchor of gold thread on the pocket, and carrying a crimson umbrella which, together with the head of swept-back silvery hair, would have made him instantly findable by anyone lost in a crowd. She catches his smile, then she catches his eye. And when she returns her gaze to Dima, she knows his eye is still on her.

Dima has demanded to see their tickets. Perry makes a habit of losing tickets, so Gail"s got them. She knows the numbers by heart, so does Perry. But that doesn"t prevent her from not knowing them now, or from looking sweetly vague as she hands them to Dima who lets out a derisive snort: "You got telescopes telescopes, Professor? You so f.u.c.king high up, you need oxygen!"

Again he repeats the joke in Russian, but again the standing group behind him seems to be waiting rather than listening. Is his breathlessness new since Antigua? Or new for today? Is it a heart thing? Or a vodka thing?

"We gotta G.o.ddam hospitality box, hear me? Corporation s.h.i.t. Young guys I work with from Moscow. Armani kids. Got pretty girls. Look at them!"

A pair of the girls do indeed catch Gail"s eye: leather jackets, pencil skirts and ankle boots. Pretty wives? Or pretty hookers. If so, top of the range. And the Armani kids a hostile blur of blue-black suits and sodden stares.

"Thirty number-one seats, food you die for," Dima is bellowing. "You wanna do that, Gail? Come join us? Watch the game like a lady? Drink champagne? We got spare. Hey, come on come on, Professor. Why the f.u.c.k not?"

Because Hector told him to be hard to get, is why the f.u.c.k not. Because the harder he is to get, the harder you"ll have to work to get him, and me with him, and the greater will be our credibility with your guests from Moscow. Pushed into a corner, Perry is making a good job of being Perry: frowning, doing his diffident and awkward bit. For a rank beginner in the arts of dissembling, he"s putting on a pretty good turn. Time to help him out all the same: "The tickets were a present present, you see, Dima," she confides sweetly, touching his arm. "A good friend gave them to us, a dear old gentleman. For love. I don"t think he"d like us to leave our seats empty, would he? If he found out, he"d be heartbroken" which was the answer they"d cooked up with Luke and Ollie over a late nightcap of malt.

Dima stares from one to other of them in disappointment while he regroups his thoughts.

Restlessness in the ranks behind him: can"t we get this over?

The initiative is with the poor b.u.g.g.e.r in the field ...

Solution!

"Then hear me, Professor, OK? Hear me once" his finger jabbing into Perry"s chest "OK," he repeats, nodding menacingly. "After the game. Hear me? Soon as the G.o.ddam game is over, you gonna come visit us in hospitality." He swings round to Gail, challenging her to upset his great plan. "Hear me, Gail? You gonna bring this Professor to our hospitality. And you gonna drink champagne with us. The game don"t end when it ends. They gotta do G.o.ddam presentations out there, speeches, lotta s.h.i.t. Federer gonna win easy. You wanna bet me five grand US he don"t win, Professor? I give you three to one. Four to one." the game. Hear me? Soon as the G.o.ddam game is over, you gonna come visit us in hospitality." He swings round to Gail, challenging her to upset his great plan. "Hear me, Gail? You gonna bring this Professor to our hospitality. And you gonna drink champagne with us. The game don"t end when it ends. They gotta do G.o.ddam presentations out there, speeches, lotta s.h.i.t. Federer gonna win easy. You wanna bet me five grand US he don"t win, Professor? I give you three to one. Four to one."

Perry laughs. If he had a G.o.d, it would be Federer. No dice, Dima, sorry, he says. Not even at a hundred to one. But he isn"t out of the wood yet: "You"re gonna play me tennis tomorrow, Professor, hear me? A rematch rematch" the finger still stabbing at Perry"s chest "I gonna send someone round find you after the game, you gonna come visit us in hospitality, and we gonna fix a rematch, no p.u.s.s.ying. And I"m gonna beat the s.h.i.t outta you, buy you a ma.s.sage after. You"re gonna need it, hear me?"

Perry has no time for further protestation. Out of the corner of her eye, Gail has observed the tour guide with the silvery hair and red brolly detach himself from the group and advance on Dima"s undefended back.

"Aren"t you going to introduce us to your friends, Dima? You can"t keep a beautiful lady like this all to yourself, you know," a silken voice says reproachfully in pitch-perfect English with a faint Italian accent. "Dell Oro," he announces. "Emilio dell Oro. An old friend of Dima"s from way, way back. So pleased." And takes each of their hands, first Gail"s with a gallant downward tip of the head, then Perry"s without one, thereby reminding her of a ballroom Lothario called Percy who cut in on her best boyfriend when she was seventeen, and nearly raped her on the dance floor. dell Oro. An old friend of Dima"s from way, way back. So pleased." And takes each of their hands, first Gail"s with a gallant downward tip of the head, then Perry"s without one, thereby reminding her of a ballroom Lothario called Percy who cut in on her best boyfriend when she was seventeen, and nearly raped her on the dance floor.

"And I"m Perry Makepiece and she"s Gail Perkins," Perry says. And as a light-hearted footnote that really impresses her: "I"m not really a professor, so don"t be alarmed. It"s just Dima"s way of putting me off my tennis."

"Then welcome to Roland Garros Stadium, Gail Perkins and Perry Makepiece," dell Oro replies, with a radiant smile that she is beginning to suspect is permanent. "So glad we shall have the pleasure of seeing you after the historic match. If there is is a match," he adds, with a theatrical lift of the hands and a glance of reproach at the grey sky. a match," he adds, with a theatrical lift of the hands and a glance of reproach at the grey sky.

But the last word is Dima"s: "I gonna send someone get you, hear me, Professor? Don"t walk out on me. Tomorrow I beat the s.h.i.t outta you. I love this guy, hear me?" he cries to the supercilious Armani kids with their watery smiles gathered behind him, and having enfolded Perry for a last defiant hug, falls in beside them as they resume their amble.

12.

Settling at Perry"s side in the twelfth row of the western stand of the Roland Garros Stadium, Gail stares incredulously at the band of Napoleon"s Garde Republicaine in their bra.s.s helmets, red c.o.c.kades, skin-tight white breeches and thigh-length boots as they roll out their kettledrums and give their bugles a final blow before their conductor mounts his wooden rostrum, suspends his white-gloved hands above his head, spreads his fingers and flutters them like a dress designer. Perry is talking to her but has to repeat himself. She turns her head to him, then leans it on his shoulder to calm herself, because she"s trembling. And so in his own way is Perry, because she can hear the pulse of his body boom boom.

"Is this the Men"s Singles Finals or the Battle of Borodino?" he shouts gaily, pointing at Napoleon"s troops. She makes him say it again, lets out a hoot of laughter and gives his hand a squeeze to bring them both down to earth.

"It"s all right!" she yells into his ear. "You did fine! You were a star! Super seats too! Well done!"

"You too! Dima looked great."

"Great. But the children are already in Berne!"

"What?"

"Tamara and the little girls are already in Berne! Natasha too! I"d have thought they"d all be together!"

"Me too."

But his disappointment is of a lesser order than hers.

Napoleon"s band is very loud. Whole regiments could march to it and never return.

"He"s very keen to play tennis with you again, poor man!" Doolittle shouts.

"I"ve noticed!" Big nods and smiles from Milton.

"Have you got time tomorrow?"

"Absolutely not. Too many dates," Milton replies, with an adamant shake of his head.

"That"s what I feared. Tricky."

"Very," Milton agrees.

Are they just being children, or has the fear of G.o.d crept into them? Carrying his hand to her lips, Gail kisses it then keeps it against her cheek because, quite unconsciously, he has moved her nearly to tears: Of all the days in his life that he should be free to enjoy, and isn"t! To watch Federer in the Final of the French Open is for Perry like watching Nijinsky in L"Apres-midi d"un Faune L"Apres-midi d"un Faune! How many Perry-lectures has she not happily listened to, curled up with him in front of the television set in Primrose Hill, on the subject of Federer, the perfected athlete Perry would love to be? Federer as formed man formed man, Federer the runner as dancer runner as dancer, shortening and lengthening his stride to tame the flying ball into providing him with the tiny, hanging extra split second that he needs to find the pace and angle the steadiness of his upper body whether it"s moving backwards, forwards, sideways his supernatural powers of antic.i.p.ation that aren"t supernatural at all, Gail, but the summit of eyebodybrain coordination.

"I really want you to enjoy today!" she shouts into his ear like a final message. "Just put everything else out of your mind. I love you: I said I love love you, idiot!" you, idiot!"