Both my body and mind were exhausted. Nevertheless, the nightmare wasn"t over yet.
Just a while later, following the words I"d spat out, Lord Johannes married a concubine.
Under the watch of the surroundings, I showed a tolerant smile.

"His Majesty needs comfort too, right?"

I said such lines that I didn"t mean. However, the inside of my chest was in turmoil.

―― I didn"t desire such an ending.

I just wanted to hear how he feels about me.
I just wished for his words.
Why did it end like this?
Or is this Lord Johannes"s answer?
He loves the concubine he married, Mistress Helene, not me. I"m just his partner in a political marriage. I wonder if that"s how it is.
Actually, since then Lord Johannes has not once tried to embrace me.
It"s hard to believe I was desired so much. Peaceful days continued without visits to the room I moved to.
Surely, he embraces his concubine, Lady Helene. All of Lord Johannes"s desire that I couldn"t accept must have been poured onto her.
My chest hurt, but I pretended not to notice.
Aah, if that"s the case, it"s fine.
I want to be left alone. I want to live calmly and quietly like this.
It"s good if Lord Johannes can be happy with who he really loves.
Since I"m a hindrance, I will live quietly.
Let"s leave everything from now on to the concubine, Mistress Helene.
It"s ridiculous to be jealous. Although I am his princess consort, I am an unloved woman.
It"s fine as long as I can protect my homeland as promised.
That"s the meaning of my marriage to this country.
I just need to fulfill my role as a princess consort.

To be honest, I don"t want to be embraced by Lord Johannes anymore.
Often my body hurt, and I felt unwell. The numerous owners.h.i.+p marks he put on were nothing but embarra.s.sing, and I was fed up with lascivious night clothes prepared by court ladies.
My son too has completely estranged himself from me.
No wonder. Who would want to get close to a mother who said she didn"t need them?
It"s too late now to say that it wasn"t true. My son wouldn"t believe me.
Because I wounded my son that much.
The words "you reap what you sow" painfully apply here.
Every time I see my son who"s come to look at me with cold eyes, my heart is in pain.
But I don"t let it show in my att.i.tude. Because, I have no right to be hurt.
I heard Lord Johannes leaves his room almost every night. After all, he is visiting Mistress Helene.
As expected, it didn"t have to be me.
And so, because of my stupid remarks, I"ve completely lost my son and husband.
It"s so foolish that I can only laugh now.
However, I don"t want to get them back anymore.
Because, everything is my fault. While thinking that I"d rather quickly disappear from this world, fifteen years have pa.s.sed.

"My goodness…"

Time will surely heal my wounds. When my heart finally stopped hurting and I came to think that the situation is good, that happened.
Since then, fifteen years have pa.s.sed, and my son has become twenty one.
I was anxious deep down that my son wouldn"t decide on a fiancée for all that time, but it was decided and the engagement ceremony finished peacefully. But I couldn"t believe my ears when I heard the rumors about them.
My son favors his partner, the Prime Minister"s daughter, without minding the public gaze.
I was so surprised, I hurriedly caught the Head Court Lady, Clara, since I"d heard she takes care of my son"s fiancée. However, after hearing her out, this time I felt like I"d faint.
According to Clara, my son"s affection for his fiancée and his obsession with her are intense, recently it"s normal for him not to release her until morning. Hearing about my son loving his fiancée almost every day, I alone became horrified.

―― It"s the same as that time with Lord Johannes.

Thinking that the slender girl I met several months ago during the engagement ceremony suffers the same as I did, I couldn"t sit still.
I was desperate, so I broke my vow to not get involved with my son anymore and approached Lidi, who became my daughter-in-law.

―― I don"t want the same mistake to repeat.

I must protect her. I must protect my still young daughter-in-law.
Because only me, her fellow princess consort, can understand her.
No one else can understand her. Only I can.
I approached her with only that truth in mind, but my daughter-in-law, Lidi, was kinder than I"d imagined. She"s a good girl. She"s taken to me as her mother-in-law, and she loves my son from the bottom of her heart.
Unlike the me from those days, even if my son desires her, she doesn"t find it one bit unpleasant. On the contrary, she doesn"t want him to marry a concubine. She clearly declared that just her is fine.
I was dazzled by the strength of her will.
If only I had that strength in those days…
It"d be pointless to say that, but I can"t help but feel so.
When I look at my daughter-in-law, feelings of envy always well up.
When I see how close she"s with my son, I wonder why we couldn"t be like this. Regrets that I should"ve shaken off fill my head.
Even though I can"t do this.
I thought I"d given up everything and wanted to spend the rest of my life peacefully, and yet the desire I buried deep in my heart resurfaced. It was painful to be confronted with my lingering feelings.
In that situation, I was invited by my daughter-in-law to a tea party.
My fate was to be lost, and yet it began moving in a direction I dared not to wish for.

"Your Majesty, Your Majesty, Your Majesty…"
"I"m sorry. I"m sorry, Elizabeth."

Hugging me, Lord Johannes kept repeating words of apology.
It was unexpectedly comfortable to be inside Lord Johannes"s arms for the first time in fifteen years, so my tears overflowed again.
The content of what my daughter-in-law, Lidi, told me was more than enough to shake me up.

―― Lord Johannes doesn"t embrace Mistress Helene.

I was shocked to the point that I couldn"t speak. After all, there"s no way.
I learned about Lord Johannes"s matchlessness with my own body. I couldn"t believe it.
However, my daughter-in-law obtained evidence from soldiers that Lord Johannes visits my room almost every night, not Mistress Helene"s.
I started hearing the suspicious sounds ever since I moved. There hasn"t been a night where I didn"t hear them. Although it was suspicious, I ignored it. But I could strangely accept that the culprit was unexpectedly Lord Johannes.
―― Because, I don"t believe in ghosts.
I thought there must be some reason. If the culprit was the King, Lord Johannes, it"s simple for him to forbid soldiers from saying that there is a suspicious person.
Lord Johannes is the only person allowed to visit my room without permission.

"… I heard from Lidi. Your Majesty, why did you visit my room every night?"
"… Do you want to know the reason?"
"Yes."

I cried enough and raised my face. I tried to escape from within Lord Johannes"s arms, but he wouldn"t let go.
I reluctantly listened in that posture. When I secretly put my cheek to his chest, I heard violent heartbeat. Little by little, Lord Johannes began talking.

"… Even though I welcomed a concubine, from the start I didn"t feel like embracing a woman other than you. But, if I didn"t leave the room at night, you would notice. That"s why I went outside, but I didn"t have anywhere to go. When I realized, I was in front of your room."
"…"
"Unseemly, I aimlessly paced around in front of your room. The first time you noticed that sound must"ve been then. I warned the soldiers to not tell you about it and returned to my room. Since then, there wasn"t a night when I felt like going somewhere else. When I knew you were asleep, I entered the room and just kept watching your sleeping face."
"… Why did you do that…?"

I was surprised to hear he loitered in front of my room.
The words my daughter-in-law said were true, but why was the King doing something so foolish?

"You can"t understand without being told? … That"s right. You wouldn"t understand. A while ago my son too strongly emphasized it, but I really am foolish even though fifteen years have pa.s.sed… It"s because I love you. Ever since I first saw you when you visited for the engagement ceremony, I"ve only ever loved you. Do you… understand?"
"… Ah."
"Elizabeth. I love you."

The strength in Lord Johannes"s arms increased. Inside his arms, my body froze.
Lord Johannes loves me?
That"s impossible. Because, I have not once felt that from him until now.

"You can"t believe me? Makes sense. But, it"s the truth. I intended to convey my love for you in my own way. But when I talked to my son some time ago, I noticed for the first time. ―― If I don"t put it into words, it won"t be conveyed."
"Ah!"

For Lord Johannes, it seems the act of sleeping together, that was only painful for me, was how he conveyed his love. I would like to tell him to stop joking, but there seemed to be no falsehood in Lord Johannes"s expression as he said that in a depressed voice.
Was this really his way of conveying love…?
Crestfallen, I felt strength leave my whole body.

Editor: Valeria