HANSOM CABMAN (_with hauteur_). As it "appens, it _ain"t_ a "Ackney cab--it"s a private kerridge, this is!

DRIVER. Ah, I might ha" known _you_ was a hammytoor by yer silly ha.s.slike method o" conducting yer business! [_Drives on triumphant._

A POLITICAL Pa.s.sENGER (_with a panacea--to a "KNOWLEDGABLE" Pa.s.sENGER_).

No, I don"t want no "Ome Rule, nor yet no Parish Counsels, nor nothink o" _that_. What _I_ wanter see interdooced "ere is Tereenial Porliments.

The KNOWLEDGABLE Pa.s.sENGER (_with respect_). Tereenial Parliments? I don"t know as I"ve "eard o" _them_.

The POL. P. Ain"t yer? Well, they"re what we _want_. Why, they"ve "ad "em in America, they"ve ad "em in Ostralia, they"ve "ad "em in Orstria; and everywhere, mind yer, _everywhere_ they"ve been in operation they"ve turned out a success!

The KN. P. Then it"s "igh time _we_ "ad "em. _What_ is it they"re called, again?

The POL. P. Tee-reen-ial Porliments. It stands to _reason_ they work well. There they _are_, a settin" eight months in the year fur seven year on end--somethink"s _bound_ to come of it! I"d like to see any o"

_our_ lot settin" like that! It"s a pity we don"t take more pattern by America in our law-makin".

[Ill.u.s.tration: "Thash where "tis, yer come on me too late!"]

The KN. P. Except in our criminal law. Why, I"ve "eard there"s States out there where a man may go and commit a crime, d"ye see, and once he gits across the boundary from one State into another--like as it might be a line across this "ere street like, d"ye see--once he"s over that, they can"t do nothink to "im!

The POL. P. (_thoughtfully_). Ah, that wouldn"t never do "_ere_, that wouldn"t!

[_The CONDUCTOR comes up to collect fares._

CONDUCTOR (_to a SLEEPY Pa.s.sENGER in a corner_). Now then, fare, please?

The SLEEPY Pa.s.sENGER (_with manly regret_). I ain"t gorrit, ole pal. If yer"d asht me jes" two minutes afore I gorrup, I could ha" done it for yer, but I took jes" anorrer glash an" blued th" lot. No man can say I don" part s"long"s I gorrer _money_; no freehandeder man anywheresh"n wharri am; but yer come on me too late. (_Shaking his head reproachfully._) Thash where "tis, yer come on me too late!

COND. "Ere, I ain"t goin" to stand no nonsense! If yer "aven"t got the money, git down orf o" my bus, and quick, too!

The SL. P. Ged _down_? An" _quick_! You wouldn" tor" li" that if you"d sheen wharrer bloomin" "ard job I "ad to get _up_! [_He resumes his slumber._

COND. (_pa.s.sing on, softened_). I can"t go and break the beggar"s neck for tuppence, and he"s got it somewhere about him, as likely as not.

(_To a LITIGIOUS Pa.s.sENGER._) Tuppence is the fare, Sir, if _you_ please.

The LITIGIOUS Pa.s.sENGER. One penny is the legal fare, and all I intend to pay. I know the law!

COND. And so do I. It"s wrote up tuppence inside the bus. If yer ain"t going to pay more, yer"d better git down; ye"ve "ad over your penn"orth a"ready!

The LITIG. P. (_with spirit_). I decline to get down. I insist on being taken to the Bank for my penny.

COND. Oh, _do_ yer? We"ll see about that.

[_He stops the "bus and calls a CONSTABLE, to whom he briefly explains the situation._

CONSTABLE (_pacifically, from below, to the LITIG. P._). Come, Sir, don"t block the traffic, like this "ere! Either pay the man his fare or get down--one of the two.

The LITIG. P. (_from the roof_). I have a legal right to remain here if I like!

CONST. That may be, Sir; but if you do, this man can summons you that"s all.

The LITIG. P. (_warming with the joy of battle_). That"s just what I _want_ him to do! Can"t I _make_ him summon me?

COND. (_disgusted_). "Ere, "ang it all! _do_ yer think I"m goin" to cart you "arf over London fur a penny, and throw yer in the luxury of a lawsoot? "Ere"s yer penny back, and I give yer the ride free, _there_!

The LITIG. P. (_accepting the penny, and descending with dignity_). Very well; and let me tell you this, it was just as well you gave way when you did, for I was quite prepared to carry the case to the House of Lords!

COND. Ah! and I s"pose yer think yer"d git _there_ for a penny?

[_The Omnibus goes on before the LITIGIOUS PERSON has time to think over such an obvious repartee as asking the CONSTABLE to take the man"s number._

[Ill.u.s.tration]

AT A HIGHLAND CATTLE AUCTION.

_A Yard. In the open s.p.a.ce between the rows of pens the AUCTIONEER is trying to dispose of some horses which are trotted out one by one in the usual fashion._

THE AUCTIONEER (_spectacled, red-bearded, canny, slightly Arcadian touch imparted by straw hat, and a sprig of heather in his b.u.t.ton-hole_).

What"ll I say for this, noo? (_A horse of a meditative mien is just brought in._) Here"s a beast, and a very good beast, from Lochaber!

(_The bystanders remain unmoved._) He was bred by Meester MacFarlane, o"

Drumtappit, and ye"ll all ha" haird on him as the biggest breeder in these pairts. (_Heads are shaken, so much as to intimate that this particular animal does not do Mr. MacFarlane justice._) Trot him up an"

doon a bit, boy, and show his action--stan" away back there! _(With affected concern_.) Don"t curb him so tight--be careful now, or ye"ll do meeschief to yourself an" others! (_As the horse trots past them,_ _several critics slap it disrespectfully on the hind-quarters--a liberty which it bears with meekness._) There"s a pace for ye--he"s a guid woorker, a gran" beast--hoo much shall we say for him? (_n.o.body seems able to express his appreciation of the grand beast in figures._) Just to stairt ye then--twenty poon! (_Even the animal himself appears slightly staggered by this sum; bystanders are quietly derisive; AUCTIONEER climbs rapidly down without interruption till he reaches six pounds, when he receives his first bid._) s.e.x poon" is bed for "m--is there ony advance on s.e.x poon? (_Someone in the background:--"Fefteen sh.e.l.lin"!"_) s.e.x-fefteen--noo, Meester McRobbie, wull ye no luik this way? (_MR. MCR. responds by a decided negative._) Ye won"t? Ah, I never got ony guid from ye--"cept when I didn"t meet ye. (_This piece of Scotch "wut" raises a laugh at MR. MCR."S expense, but does not affect the bidding, which still languishes._) Then, he"s going at s.e.x-fefteen--for the last time. Whaur"s my bedder at s.e.x-fefteen?

(_Repentance or modesty prevents the bidder from coming forward, and the AUCTIONEER continues, more in grief than anger._) Eh, this is too bad noo--I"ll thank no man for making me a bed, "cept those that are meant in airnest. No one bed onything for a beast like this! Then I hae to tell ye ye"ve not bed near up to the resairve price on it. (_Suddenly becomes weary of the animal._) Tak" it awa". (_The next horse is led in._) Now, here"s a beast that"s well-known, I"m thenkin". (_The general expression signifies that its reputation is not altogether to its credit._) There"s a well-bred mare--open up, and let her show hersel".

(_The mare is shown, but fails to excite compet.i.tion._) Ah, ye"ll ony buy screws to-day, an" not the nice things at a"--tak" her away. (_The mare is taken out ignominiously; AUCTIONEER, followed by crowd, leads the way to where a pony and trap are standing harnessed._) Noo, I"m gaun to pit up the pony an" van--just show them hoo she goes in hairness, boy. (_To intrusive collie._) Out of the way, dug, in case ye get your feet smashed. (_Trap starts off, and is driven out of sight._) Whaur"s the laddie gaun ta? Thenks he"ll show himsel" at Nairn, maybe! Ah, here she comes. (_Trap returns at a modest pace._) Stan" back, noo, all of ye; give her room. I"ll sell the mare first, and a beauty she is--what sh.e.l.l we say? Ten poons--and she"s a nice one! Well, stairt her at five, she may get up. (_Bidding gets up to ten pounds, where it stops._) Then she goes at ten, and I"m very glad she"s gaun to a gude auld friend o"

mine--Meester McKenzie, o" Glenbannock. Wull ye say five mair, and take the hairness, Meester McKenzie? It"s _richt_ hairness! (_MR. MCK.

declines to be tempted._) Well, I"m sorry ye wull na, I"d ha liked (_sentimentally, as if it had been the dream of his life_) for the mare an" the hairness to go togither and no to pairt them--but as "tis, it canna be helped. We"ll pa.s.s on to the pegs, if you please. (_Pa.s.ses to a row of pens containing pigs, and mounts some planks placed along the top._) Now, these are some proper pegs. (_A rush is made for the rails enclosing the pigs, which instantly become self-conscious and redouble their grunts._) Noo, laddies, laddies, it"s no fair o" ye taking up a"

the room i" that way. I"m quite sure there"s a lot o" ye in front that"s no buying pegs--ye hanna the luik o" pairsons that buy pegs. Stan" by for shame, and don"t keep them that comes to buy, where they canna see sae much as a tail. Hoo much apiece for these palefaced pegs? Ye"ve an awfu" guid view o" them there, Mr. Ferguson,---luik this way once again for forrty and threepence. (_Persuasively._) It"ll soun" better wi" the threepence. Gaun" for forty an" three. (_The owner of the pigs calls out "No!"_) I thocht I made a law here that people having pegs should gie me the resairve at the time--see what ye do now, Peter MacPhairson, make a fule of the buyers and a fule o" mysel"!--but (_with tolerant contempt_) Peter is not a strong man, we must no be haird on Peter. (_Roar from crowd;_ _disappearance of MR. MACPH._) I"ll cancel no more sales that way, however, as I eentimate to ye once for a".

"ARRY (_on tour from Town--to his admiring friend_). I say, Charley, what d"yer bet I don"t talk to some of these chaps in their own lingo?

CHARLEY. What a fellow you are! Mind what you are about, that"s all.

"ARRY (_going up to an elderly person in the only Scotch cap visible_).

Hech, Sair, but yon"s a braw bonnie wee bit piggie fur a body to tak" a richt gude wullie waucht wi" gin ye meet him comin" thro" the rye!

The PERSON IN THE SCOTCH CAP (_who happens to be a retired Colonel in a Highland Regiment, who is somewhat careless in his attire_). I think you will find that sort of thing better appreciated after you"ve got home.

[_"ARRY returns to CHARLEY, feeling much smaller than he allows his friend to perceive._

[Ill.u.s.tration]