IF a man would display the same patience in catering to a wife that he does in coloring an old meerschaum pipe matrimony would be as pleasant as a pipe dream.
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THERE"S an old superst.i.tion that it"s bad luck to be married in May; why not include the other eleven months?
THE only contract a man considers so unimportant that he will sign it without first reading it over is the marriage contract.
A WOMAN whose husband gives her cause for jealousy should not shed tears; she should shed the husband.
A MAN is never really old until his rosy hopes have turned gray and he has begun to get wrinkles in his disposition.
A GOOD woman is known by what she does; a good man by what he doesn"t.
RICH men and their wives are soon parted; matrimony plus money has such a way of developing into alimony.
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ONE way to a man"s heart is through your father"s pocketbook.
LOVE is the sparkle in the wine; matrimony, the headache that follows.
BETTER be a young man"s slave than an old man"s nurse.
THERE is something about one c.o.c.ktail that makes a man want another the moment he has swallowed it; and there is something about one woman that makes a man want another the moment he has married her.
A MAN plays his part in his first love affair as an actor plays his first star role with fire and enthusiasm, but without poise or method; later he becomes so technical that he can make his pretty speeches backward without a single thrill.
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THE only common ground on which some married people ever meet is the burying ground.
LOVE is like a good dinner; the only way to get any satisfaction out of it is to enjoy it while it lasts, have no regrets when it is over and pay the price with good grace.
HUSBANDS and wives may meet in heaven--but some of them won"t if they see each other first.
THE hardest part about the "next morning" is not the headache; it"s the effort to recall what particular story you told your wife the night before.
POOR people don"t have to economize on love, kisses nor enthusiasm; and with plenty of those one can cover all the bare spots on the walls of poverty.
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FLATTER a husband a little and he will adore you; flatter him too much and he will soon begin to wonder why such a combination of Solomon and the Apollo Belvidere ever stooped to marry an insignificant little thing like you.
IT"S the hours a woman spends making frocks that her husband never looks at, and the hours a man spends making jokes that his wife never laughs at, that make the matrimonial years drag so heavily.
THE reason that a woman who takes the downward path has so much attention is that there are so many men going that way.
A MAN makes a virtue of necessity when he prides himself on his devotion to a wife who is so fascinating that he can"t help it.
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A MAN"S wife, like any other sort of stimulant, ceases to have that exhilarating effect after she has become a steady diet.
NO MAN knows the shock that a woman receives when she finds that she has got to live up to a standard that is half angel and half cook.
MEN declare they admire common sense in a woman; but a physical culturist with a perfect digestion and a thirty-inch waist hasn"t a chance in the world against a foolish, unhealthy little thing in a French corset, a princess frock and open-work stockings.
THE ultimate proof of a man"s love is the self-restraint he shows when he allows a girl to run her fingers through his hair without putting up his hand to see if the part is still there.
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A LITTLE knowledge makes a man a fool--but it makes a woman suspicious.
THE best way to cure a man"s love is to return it with interest--and then watch him lose the interest.
A MAN seldom escapes temptation because he is so careful not to let any interesting temptations escape him.
SELF-SACRIFICE is the soul of love, and a real soul-mate is one who is willing to get up and take the milk off the dumb-waiter, wait until you have finished with the morning paper and give you the seat nearest the radiator.
IT must be awful to live with a man after you have reformed him and he has become so superlatively good that you don"t feel superior to him any more.
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GOOD husbands are like tracts, comforting but uninteresting; the other kind are like dime novels, exciting, but apt to keep you in a constant fever of dread, antic.i.p.ation and curiosity.
IF a woman were like a serial novel and a man could read only one chapter at a time, honeymoons would last forever.
A MAN doesn"t demand common sense from a woman; he is satisfied with incense.
WHEN a girl marries a man because he is the best she can do it is the irony of fate to have him blame her because they are ill-mated.
DAKOTA is the State that cuts a woman"s troubles in half--and kindly takes away the better half.
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WONDERFUL how soon after marriage a man gets to look upon the morning and evening kiss as one of his daily ch.o.r.es.
WHAT is the happiest state in life? Why, Dakota, of course.
COLLEGE boys are addicted to cigarettes and flirtations, bachelors to cigars and sweethearts; it takes a married man to get real joy out of anything so economical as a pipe or a wife.
MARRIAGE is the "commencement exercise" at which we take our diplomas in love; thereafter, like the college graduate, we begin to learn how little we know about it all.
HALF the divorces are founded right on the wedding journey, just as half of indigestion is founded on too much sugar.
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WHAT do they know--about one another that makes every man who kisses a girl warn her so darkly and impressively not to trust any of the others?