Chapter 2: My First Errand

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VOLUME 2

Sasami Watch Project.

For a while, those ominous words remained shining on the screen… but as I stared at them in blank amazement, I saw noise once again run across the computer window, after which a nonsense pattern of magenta, cyan, and yellow appeared scattered on the screen, almost as if some light somewhere had been reflected irregularly.

Then, suddenly, almost as if we were exiting some kind of tunnel…

A scene that I could make sense of finally appeared on the display.

Swsh, swsh… I could hear the sounds of air flowing past the camera, and then I saw what looked like a very crudely made home video, given how much shaking the camera was doing.

“This is…?”

I was at a loss for words.

In the exact center of the screen was someone I recognized.

”H-h.e.l.lo. This is Yagami Tsurugi…”

The eldest Yagami Sister, Yagami Tsurugi, shyly blushed on screen.

As always, it was difficult to imagine this small girl could be a teacher. She was plopped down in a pipe chair.

There was nothing behind her except a bare concrete wall, so I couldn’t tell where she was.

I was a bit fl.u.s.tered at seeing someone I knew on screen… but then Tsurugi whispered in a nervous voice.

”P-Please take care of me today…”

What the h.e.l.l was up with her?

She could say “die!” and “sh*t” like it was the most natural thing in the world, but this Tsurugi on screen was so unconfident and reserved that I could’ve sworn it was a different person. Actually, it made her kind of cute.

Her hands fidgeted around as they lay on top of her lap, clasped together.

”Hm? My age? Ehehe…”

It sounded like someone was asking her questions. Tsurugi gave a small nod and blushed straight to her ears.

”I-I’m… eighteen…”

Liar!

You’re thirty-one!

Actually, to be precise, it’s more like you’ve lived since the beginning of time!

”I’m not lying~~~. I’m not a kid. Come on, believe meeee~~.”

Tears welled up in Tsurugi’s eyes as she put her hand on her white lab coat and speedily stripped it off.

What the h.e.l.l was she doing?!

“Ehehe, I-I know my b.r.e.a.s.t.s aren’t really that big, but… I still reaaaally like doing s.e.xy things, and my first time was…”

Getting up to that ridiculous point, Tsurugi suddenly lifted her face up in surprise.

”Huh?! You’ve started filming already?! Tell me that sooner, dammit!”

Tsurugi returned to her usual tone and sat up straight in her chair.

”Ummm, alright, we’re going to put the ‘Make-Believe Adult Video Shoot’ segment on hold and get back on topic now! Tch, I was going go as far as to push Tsukuyomi to the ground for the sake of reality too…”

Why the h.e.l.l do you always want to go around doing perverted things…?

”Ahem.”

Tsurugi cleared her throat and began to speak seriously.

“Umm… I’m Yagami Tsurugi, the person in charge of this Sasami Watch Project… hey, shut up! I want this thing to sound nice and proper! Stop grumbling and just take the d.a.m.n video, Tsukuyomi!”

Tsurugi threw something, and the camera shook a bit.

Ahh, so my brother was the cameraman…

”This Sasami Watch Project – SWP for short – was made because we want to support Sasami, who after the recent big mess has finally inserted herself back into society.”

Huh? Me?

”She’s realized that the power of the Supreme G.o.d rests within her, and she’s trying to live a normal life while she controls her overwhelmingly high divinity and power. This was her decision, so we should want to support her with that. Rather, to support her with that is the reason we exist.”

I was honestly happy at hearing that.

The three Yagami Sisters.

They were my neighbors, friends, and divine companions who protected my everyday way of life.

”Although, there are a few problems with this.”

Tsurugi’s voice went quiet as she put up a finger.

”Sasami feels animosity towards her family, so she doesn’t feel as desperate as the Tsukuyomi clan did to keep the world a place convenient for humans. Some of the blame for this rests within us, since to humans we’re nothing but ‘irregularities,’ but Sasami has accepted us for who we are. And because of that, the G.o.ds have more freedom in the present world. In other words, it is now easier for irregularities to spring up.”

Well, yeah, that was true.

Making the world a place convenient for humans was unnatural in the first place, and as long as the Yagami Sisters were there then it might not be a big deal if the other G.o.ds had a bit more freedom… I probably thought that unconsciously.

And then, because I possessed the Supreme G.o.d’s power, the world bent itself according to my thoughts.

So the present world was just as Tsurugi had said: it was a place where irregularities could easily spring up.

”Unlike her family members who can protect themselves spiritually, even though we’re here protecting Sasami, it’s uncertain if she has enough power right to resist and defend against irregularities. If an evil G.o.d comes around to try and steal the Supreme G.o.d’s power from Sasami, it’s not clear whether she’d be able to deal with that.”

Well, that was also true.

I had escaped from the Tsukuyomi clan when I was still in the middle of my training, and my spiritual powers were not invincible.

I had erected somewhat of a barrier around our house here, but if someone with high divinity tried to break in, that barrier wouldn’t even stop them for a second.

”That’s precisely why we have to test her… and make Sasami grow. Both in terms of her spiritual abilities, and as a person.”

Tsurugi meekly continued.

”We’ll put her through various trials and make her level up. The SWP is a plan to keep record of her attempts in video, and also for us to burst out laughing watching her whenever she does something stupid.”

That was terrible…

I was an idiot for being a bit impressed by this back there…

But, trials?

This was a DVD, so this had been pre-recorded and everything being shown had already happened. But I didn’t really remember going through any kind of trial like htat.

Hmm…?

Was I forgetting something…?

”Anyways, I’m proud to say that today is our first episode of SWP. As a first test, we’ve already given Sasami a simple test! And my talented little sisters are following her and taping her every move!”

Tsurugi took out a cell phone and dialed some number.

”Hey, Camera Two… Kagami! Let us know what’s going on over there!”

Static filled the screen for just a minute, and then the scene changed.

This DVD was probably made by editing together the videos from a bunch of different cameras.

Geez, they sure wasted a lot of time on this…

”Okay.”

A vacant-sounding voice came out from the video.

At the same time, a huge eyeball was shown on the screen.

I could clearly see the huge pupil and hair-thin veins. It was an insanely gruesome sight.

”Way too close! I can’t see anything but your eye! Get away more from the camera!”

I could hear Tsurugi yelling.

At the same time, a small window appeared on the bottom of the screen, displaying Tsurugi and the concrete wall background I had been looking at before.

Ahh, so I could see both scenes at the same time.

Tsurugi had fallen off her pipe chair from surprise, but Camera Two – I guess that was the second camera they had – didn’t seem too perturbed by Tsurugi’s shouting and slowly began to move.

The camera backed away from the eyeball until I could see Yagami Kagami normally displayedon screen.

She was a doll-like girl, who was also wearing a Konohana Sakuya Academy uniform.

She tottered a bit and rubbed her eyes. It was clear she was sleepy.

”Funyaa.”

Kagami let out a strange-sounding yawn and began to grumble.

”It’s hard for me to film myself… in any case, this is Yagami Kagami, and I’ll be taking care of Camera Two. Nice to meet you.”

Kagami lightly bowed her head.

Her hair waved a bit in the wind. She was probably outside.

”Right now, I am behind Sasami-san… I am on her tail, around thirty meters separated from her. Can you see her?”

The scene violently shook and went away from Kagami.

I recognized the place she was as the shopping mall near our school.

It was probably after school… I could see a couple people wearing Konohana Sakuya Academy uniforms sticking out from the crowd, probably on their way home for the day.

There were also plenty of people buying or selling things, and people taking their dogs out for walks.

There was one lone girl there, walking besides one of those many colorful shops. It looked like a Western clothing shop.

”That is Sasami-san.”

Ahh, hmm… I thought it was just another cute girl, but that was me!

But, hmm… now that I’m in this video, this thing had to be filmed in the past, right? But I really couldn’t remember any of this ever happening…

When in the world did they tape this?

”It doesn’t seem like she’s noticed me. There are a lot of students around, so I don’t stand out in my uniform. It’s also good that my sense of presence is usually very weak.”

Geez, what a depressing thing to say…

”I also prepared my stealth functions just in case… but that function tires me out a bit, so I won’t activate it until it really seems I’m about to be found out.”

You could say Kagami was some kind of spiritual robot or something, and she was equipped with a lot of functions, some of which even she wasn’t aware of.

”To be honest, I am also really quite sleepy right now…”

Even though she seemed really sluggish, she still faithfully and precisely continued tailing me.

”This might be in bad taste, but I don’t mind. Ahh, I wonder if Sasami-san will do something so hilarious that I can laugh at her for a lifetime…”

This girl was awful too!

”Okay, I’ll leave it to you then.”

Tsurugi muttered, seeming fully satisfied, and then once again fiddled with her cell phone.

”Alright, Camera Three… Tama? How’s it going over there?”

”… Huh?”

Staring at the small screen for Camera Three, Tsurugi was clearly startled.

”What the h.e.l.l is this…?”

I didn’t blame Tsurugi for looking confused, since this was an odd sight indeed.

The room looked a bit fake, almost as if it was made from paper mache and came straight out of an old sci-fi movie.

Everything was pointlessly gleaming and pale-colored. The image was also fuzzy, so it was difficult for me to tell what was going on.

The walls, floors, and ceiling were all smooth and made of an indeterminate material.

Tama was sitting down in the exact middle of that scene… on what seriously looked like a surgery table.

It was hard to imagine that someone with this beautiful of a body could be an elementary schooler. And as usual, she was just sparkling with energy.

She wore cute, child-like clothing, and a scarlet-colored jewel adorned her long hair.

Tama seemed to be talking to whoever it was who was holding the camera. ”Yeah! Tama, you know, she joined the Broadcast Club at school! And at lunch, at lunch, she plays music and tells everyone the news! But but, ehehe… Tama is too loud sometimes and the princ.i.p.al, he has a weak heart, and…” I really had no idea what she was talking about.

But… where exactly was Tama right now?

No matter how I looked at it, she couldn’t have been in the neighborhood.

Had she wandered into a shady shop or something?

”H-Hey… Tama? Huh? The call won’t go through… just gotta use a small ‘alteration’ here… ugh, dammit, this is annoying! Where the h.e.l.l is that idiot?! Hnnnnnnghhh….”

Tsurugi seemed to concentrate her attention on her cell phone, probably creating an alteration, until finally it seemed that her call was getting through and her voice was reaching Tama’s screen.

”Oi, Tama! Can you hear me?!”

”Ah! It’s the phone… h.e.l.lo~~! This is Tama!”

Tama gave an innocent smile and continued to talk with great energy.

”Howawawa… it’s Tsurugi-nee! Umm, Tama will introduce you… these are Tama’s new friends! Come over here, the two of you! Hurry hurry!”

Tama called out to whoever was handling the camera, but then she c.o.c.ked her head to the side.

”Eh? Are you sure? You should become friends with Tsurugi-nee too…”

After she said that, the screen shook violently. I think the camera had been pa.s.sed back to Tama.

For just a second, I could have sworn I saw some strange, silver-colored, slippery-looking things… but I didn’t really want to think about it too much.

But Tama didn’t seem the least bit wary about what was going on around her, and handled the camera with an unsteady hand.

”Well, okay then! Also, umm, Tama… Tama is working right now! She has to go follow Mamarin!”

Mamarin was me, by the way.

Tama pushed her cell phone to her ear and waved her hand back and forth.

“They say they’ll be sure to take Tama back to where she was! Umm, actually… where is Tama right now? Umm, there was this light in the sky, and then Tama woke up in this room! And then, and then, these short silver people with big eyes told Tama ‘wE wOUld lIKe tO iNVestigate iNTelligent lIFe on eARth’ or something like that!”

”Ah, okay… Tama, from now on try not to just randomly go off with strangers, alright? If what I’m thinking is right, then once you’re abducted by those people there’s a good chance they’ll open your belly and implant some random metal thing or something…”

”Howawa…?”

Tama didn’t seem to have the slightest clue of what Tsurugi was talking about, but she had so little life experience that she wasn’t aware she was having a Close Encounter of the Third Kind. Instead, she just threw her hands up with abandon.

”Anyways, Tama is going back to work right away! Tama will do her best!”

”Ah, okay…”

Tsurugi seemed at a bit of a loss and just gave a standard response, prompting my brother to speak up.

”Umm, Tsurugi-sensei…”

”Not a word. Honestly, all these G.o.ds and what not are already enough to drive me to the brink of sanity, so I don’t need more random stuff to deal with. Ignore it. Don’t even think about it.”

After finishing her call with Tama, Tsurugi let out a sigh.

”Well, whatever… Tama will probably be able to get herself back safely no matter what happens. I guess we can just leave Sasami-san to Kagami. Hey, Kagami~? How’s it going over there~?”

”Funyaa.”

I heard a relaxed-sounding voice, and then a cute, white rabbit filled the screen.

It was a fluffy rabbit, the mere sight of which made you want to pet it.

”Uwah?! Why is Kagami’s screen so soothing all of a sudden?!”

I had been so focused on Tama and Tsurugi that I wasn’t paying attention to what Kagami was filming… but how was she suddenly filming a rabbit?!

The rabbit sniffed to and fro and then leaned its face into the camera.

Its long, thin ears waved back and forth.

”Do you like rabbits?”

”Eh? Ah, yes!”

”You can pet it if you want~~.”

”R-Really?! It’s okay?!”

I heard a kind female voice, and then Kagami’s unusually emotional response.

Kagami then reached out to pet the rabbit; I saw her white fingertip on screen while the screen wobbled back and forth drunkenly.

”Funyaa…”

Her nervous finger reached out and touched the rabbit on its cheek.

The rabbit seemed to take a liking to Kagami and leaned in to Kagami’s touch.

Fluff fluff. Pet pet.

”Funyaa…~~”

”Oh my, this one likes you quite a lot. Do you like animals?”

”Yes, I love them. I hate humans though.”

After listening to this peaceful (?) conversation, Tsurugi blew her top.

”Dammit! Kagami! What the h.e.l.l are you doing?!”

”Ah, neesan… umm, do you think we can get a pet rabbit?”

”I’ll think about it, but keep on track, dammit! What happened to Sasami?!”

”Ah… I suddenly felt myself drawn to this pet shop here, so…”

Kagami stood up, causing the screen to shake violently.

But the camera once again pointed at the rabbit, almost as if Kagami really didn’t want to leave.

The rabbit’s big, round eyes seemed to tear up as it stared back at us.

”Funyaa…”

Kagami sat down again and poked the rabbit’s small paw with her finger.

”I’m sorry. I have work to do so I have to leave… is it alright if I come back later?”

”Of course~. Please come anytime.”

A girl wearing an ap.r.o.n, who I guessed was the person working at the pet shop, waved at Kagami.

”Bye bye, usa-chan…” (1)

Kagami spoke in the kindest voice I’ve ever heard from her, and in response the rabbit’s ears waved.

”Usa-chan…”

Kagami dragged her feet around the pet shop for a little bit longer, but then finally seemed to shake off her lingering attachment towards the rabbit and went back out into the town.

”This is quite bad…”

And then she seemed at a loss.

”I’ve completely lost sight of Sasami-san…”

”Are you an idiot?! Tama’s pretty useless right now, so you’re the only one I can count on! Ugh, Sasami is pretty small so it’s easy to lose her in a crowd…”

Tsurugi is the last person in the world I wanted to be calling me small…

”Don’t worry. I have something like a GPS function installed.”

Kagami declared that confidently, probably trying to redeem herself.

”I can detect spiritual waves from a satellite signal and use it to determine where Sasami-san is right now… hmmm… well, it seems that she has gotten quite far away from us. She has moved all the way to the back side of the shopping mall. I’ll do my best to catch up to her…”

When she finished that sentence, the screen shook tremendously and turned completely white.

Boom!

I had no idea what was going on.

The screen twirled around and around with great force and I heard a loud reverberating roar. But then I could see the blue sky.

It seemed she was leaping from rooftop to rooftop.

From the camera image, I could tell we were even higher than the telephone poles.

But I could also feel myself getting a bit sick at this awful bouncing up and down of the camera.

”And… there we go.”

Kagami’s voice coincided with a huge tremor on screen, and then everything finally fell still.

She was now in a completely different place.

There were a lot of confused, alarmed people around her making a fuss, along with an unbelievable crack running down the road.

”I have moved closer to Sasami-san’s location.”

Kagami sounded quite proud of herself, but Tsurugi was just nonplussed.

”Hey, you… don’t move along the rooftops, dammit! You a ninja or something?! Those d.a.m.n abilities of yours are surprisingly not a joke, so haven’t I told you so many times that you shouldn’t go jumping or running around like that?!”

”Tehehe.”

”And don’t think you can just get away with it by just going ‘tehehe’! Aren’t you cute?! Back there too, you’re so emotionless usually but you were showing your moe moe side with that bunny rabbit! Just marry me already!”

”Neesan, calm down.”

Kagami moved forwards quietly, and stopped in front of a building.

”Sasami-san went into this shop. Shall I follow her inside?”

It was a simple drugstore, the kind you would find anywhere in any town.

Drugstores were usually so similar that you could hardly tell the difference between one and the other, and this one was no exception.

There was a jumble of items lined up on the shelves, and the lighting was almost blindingly bright.

”Currently following Sasami-san.”

I heard Kagami’s voice from the screen. She was most likely hiding in the shadow of one of the shelves.

It was probably strange for a girl to be carrying a camera inside a store, so on screen I could see the shop employees and other customers giving her strange looks, but Kagami didn’t seem to pay that any mind.

”But… what exactly is Sasami-san doing in a drug store?”

Kagami asked that question as she picked up and inspected a few easy-sleep products that she seemed interested in.

”It looks like she’s looking for something, but…”

Just as Kagami said, I was there in the video in my uniform and was looking all around the drug store, picking up items here and there with a confused look on my face.

In the video, I had what looked like a memo clutched in one hand. It seemed like I was on an errand or something.

”Ahh, yeah, I sent her out to buy something.”

Tsurugi seemed a bit bored with just watching Kagami and responded somewhat restlessly.

”The goal of the SWP is to help Sasami grow. So you know, it’s like how the first quest you get in an RPG is always an item fetch quest, right? It might just be an errand, but it’s standard to do simple quests like that to gain experience and get used to the game.”

”RPGs… those are…”

My brother then went overboard.

”Once you get used to the game, you fight monsters and save the world, right…?!”

”That sounds pretty fun. Maybe if we get bored of this errand quest I’ll just use a random alteration and try that out.”

Tsurugi said that as if it was the most natural thing in the world, but I didn’t have any aspirations to save the world.

”Although, if anything really unnatural happens Sasami might get suspicious… if she finds out that this is all a quest for her to get some life experience then it’ll only be half as effective… so in the end, we really have to just give her these quests casually.”

”Well, if you think about it like that, then sending her out to buy something might be a fairly suitable quest.”

Kagami whispered, trying not to get caught tailing me.

”Sasami-san was a hikikomori, right? So she’s probably pretty lacking in common sense, and it’s possible even mundane things like going shopping might offer her some useful life experience. For me too, after neesan saved me from that evil human organization, she gave me a lot of various tasks, and I ended up learning from those to adapt to human society.”

”Oh? So like Sasami-san, Kagami-san also went out shopping?”

Kagami shook her head at my brother’s question.

”No, in my case the tasks were a bit more extreme. ‘Destroy this army of ghosts in thirty minutes! If you fail the world is going to end!’ There were a lot of tasks like that. Neesan was surprisingly ignorant of human society herself, so I ended up just self-studying.”

”Fufufu, I was young back then too, after all. I had a bit too much fun with these tasks and got carried away, hehe~~. So I ended up making all these end-of-the-world crises… you know what they say. Lionesses will push their cute little cubs down off a cliff.” (2)

”Although, in this case, it feels more like after you threw the cub off the cliff you threw a huge rock down just to finish the job. Because of all that I became very used to fighting, but never really learned how to fit into human society.”

Kagami gave a sigh at her older sister’s cruel words and then gave some advice.

”Sasami-san may have the power of the Supreme G.o.d, but she’s just a normal girl. So please don’t think it’s a good idea to give her any tasks which involve violence.”

”That’s why I let her do something as simple as go shopping.”

”Although, it seems she can’t find what you asked her to get… neesan, exactly what did you tell her to buy?”

Kagami seemed a bit confused, but then something else happened.

On screen, I was going back and forth from shelf to shelf, clearly looking for something. So one of the shop employees tried to be helpful and walked up to me with a bright smile.

”Are you looking for something?”

”……”

I jumped a bit on screen. Geez, I couldn’t help but feel sorry for myself…

I saw myself get red and start waving my hands suspiciously.

”U-Umm…”

I mumbled something unintelligible, and then showed the shop employee the memo I was holding onto.

I got the feeling that nowadays, even elementary schoolers had better communication skills than that.

”Hmm… let’s see here…”

The shop employee never lost his bright smile as he read what was written on the memo out loud.

–

”‘Happy family planning,’ a dozen. Is that correct?” (2)

–

Kagami almost fell flat on her face.

”What in the world are you trying to make a high school girl buy, neesan?!”

”Well, I also thought about asking her to buy tampons or anti-diarrheals or something… but I guess I got carried away again and wanted to go for something a bit more truly dirty. Hehe.”

Tsurugi chuckled, but then got angry right back at Kagami.

”Also, what’s wrong with it?! Eroticism is the spice of life! I’m sure our audience is hoping for stuff like this to happen too! Just think about it… a cute high school girl with her face all red asking for ‘happy family planning’… isn’t that just too moe?!”

”No, it’s just rather creepy…”

As Kagami sighed in exasperation, I watched the shop employee go back to the register and begin typing on his computer.

”Hmm, unfortunately we don’t have any products by that name…”

”Eh, really? My sensei told me that they should sell this at drug stores… I don’t know what kind of medicine it is though…”

”I’m also not too sure…”

The shop employee and I exchanged a few words.

”Actually…”

My brother seemed a bit puzzled, and asked an innocent question.

”What exactly is ‘happy family planning’?”

”Eh?! You don’t know?!”

Tsurugi was taken aback, and Kagami began to whisper.

”Neesan, this is the sad truth… but the younger generation doesn’t really call them that anymore. I’m sorry, but it seems your attempt at s.e.xual hara.s.sment has misfired.”

”I-Impossible! Dammit, so this is what they call the ‘generation gap’?! In the past, just saying the phrase ‘happy family planning’ was enough to get people to burst out laughing! What the h.e.l.l do young people call those things then?!”

”Who knows. I’ve yet to encounter a situation when those things were necessary.”

”Dammit! To think this Yagami Tsurugi could fail at s.e.xual hara.s.sment! I’ll remember this mistake for the rest of my life!”

”This is the first time I’ve seen neesan so frustrated.”

”So what exactly is ‘happy family planning’?”

”This.”

In response to my brother’s obvious question, Tsurugi took out a square, pink thing and displayed it in the small camera one screen.

Ohh… that was… well, it was one of those things.

You know… they’re made of rubber, and you use them for birth control…

Why the h.e.l.l was Tsurugi walking around with one of those things?

Also, what kind of d.a.m.n teacher asks a high school girl to buy those?!

”What kind of medicine is that?”

My brother still didn’t know what that thing was even though Tsurugi was showing it to him… honestly, if you ask me, he was the one who needed more common sense.

”Hmm, you really don’t know? Well, I guess that’s kind of expected from Tsukuyomi.”

Tsurugi gave him a sweet, sweet smile, and for some reason put her “happy family planning” in her mouth. She then began to slowly, sloooowly unzip her jersey…

”Well then, well then… you’re telling me to teach you through experience, right?! Very well, this cute Tsurugi-chan is gonna show you that she might look like a kid, but she’s much more than that~~!”

Tsurugi shouted random things as she leapt at my brother. I had no idea what she was doing to him, but the screen shook and the camera fell, until all I was looking at was a shot of the floor.

And then, I saw Tsurugi and my brothers clothes being flung away…!

My brother shrieked, while Tsurugi’s excited voice rang through the room.

“What the h.e.l.l?!”

I found myself suddenly banging on the screen.

“What the h.e.l.l are you doing to my oniichan?!”

But this was a video, so no matter how much of the Supreme G.o.d’s power I had, I couldn’t really stop Tsurugi from doing what she was doing.

”W-Why are you stripping off my clothes, Tsurugi-sensei?”

”It’s embarra.s.sing, so turn off the lights…”

”Eh? Ehh?”

”I’ll teach you… the secrets of a woman~~.”

So for a little while longer, all I heard was pointless, stupid talk like that coming from the computer screen.

TRANSLATOR’S NOTES

(1) Rabbit is usage in j.a.panese, so this is a fairly typical j.a.panese pet name for a rabbit.

(2) The implication being to toughen them up.

(3) “Happy family planning” was a slogan that was often on vending machines which sold… well, just keep reading to find out.

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