Chapter 390 - We Are Not Good Men

Lin Yan sighed. He didn"t know why she was asking such a thing; to him, there were no ifs ands or buts to their relationship. To him, his present was his destiny; if this was anyone else, he would have ignored them. Because such talk has always been nonsensical to him. This was his own wife; he couldn"t ignore her like the others. He turned around and crouched in front of Su Wan because the latter had her head bowed. Lin Yan couldn"t see her eyes that were br.i.m.m.i.n.g with tears.

Now that he saw her cry, his heart couldn"t help but tremble like millions of ice shards were being hammered into it. Su Wan never cried. Unless her heart received a significant blow, his Wan Wan was strong enough to knock the world down with her fists. She never shed tears for no reason, unlike the women who cried at every opportunity. And now, seeing her cry, Lin Yan couldn"t help but feel his heart being stuffed with cotton. He raised his hand and gently wiped her tears with his fingertips.

And when he spoke, his voice was unnaturally soft like he was coaxing a porcelain doll. Like his voice alone would shatter her into pieces, "I don"t know what happened. Care to tell me? I can"t help you if you don"t let me know what happened. It"s not that I"m not willing to answer that question, but I want to know what made you think of it, only then I can give a satisfactory answer to you, Wan Wan."

Su Wan sniffed as she hesitated. She knew that she had nothing to worry about, but she still wanted to hear it from him. She wanted to know whether or not Lin Yan would still choose her if he knew that she had taken the place which belonged to someone else. His soulmate that is.

She shot a glance at the open door, and Lin Yan understood her meaning. He stood up and closed it, making sure to look around to see if someone was standing near her room. When he saw no one, he nodded and went back inside, closing the door behind him. "Now, can you tell me?"

Su Wan clenched her fists and looked down at her lap as she began telling Lin Yan what the old master told her at the temple. By the time she finished, her voice had turned hoa.r.s.e, and her throat was dry again, "And he said that she was supposed to be yours alone, do you dislike it that you have to share me? Would you like her more because you would have had her all to yourself, unlike me? Who can"t give you her loyalty?"

Lin Yan didn"t answer at once. He first handed her a cup of warm water and then thought about it thoroughly. Once he was done, he crouched down in front of Su Wan again and took her hand in his before he answered her, "I can"t say what I would have done if there was an alternative reality than the one we are living in."

Su Wan felt her heart clench as if she was falling into an ice cave even though she was sitting on a warm bed covered with a warm blanket.

"But, I do want to let you know that no one person is similar to another. Even if you two have the same name, it doesn"t mean that you two would have been the same kind of person," said Lin Yan unhurriedly as he rubbed the back of Su Wan"s hands. "What I can a.s.sure you is that the reason I love you isn"t that you are pretty or that you have helped my family. I love you because you love me no matter what; you don"t ask questions that I don"t want to answer. You stay beside me without expecting anything. You give without asking anything in return, and you accepted me for who I am. I am not lying when I say that I couldn"t accept myself. It is true. I hate myself. The only reason I find myself a little more worthy is because of you - you make me feel worthwhile."

Lin Yan paused and looked at her before lifting his head, pressing a chaste kiss on her forehead, and cupping her face. "I don"t know that Su Wan, but even if I did, I am certain that my love for her would have been born out of sympathy."

"Sympathy?"

"Yes, sympathy," nodded Lin Yan, caressing her cheek. "That girl was pitiful. Before marrying you, I thought of her as my wife. I knew some of her sufferings; that"s why I wanted to treat her well. The same could be said for my elder brother, apart from the two of us... Ah Chen, Ah Rui, and Ah Yu were unwilling to marry her. She wasn"t "according to their tastes". This was what they said before marriage but later accepted because they didn"t have a choice. The old master said that I took responsibility for her. In a way, he said that I hid my real self to not burden her. Because taking responsibility for someone means not burdening them with your baggage. As for the fact that she was only mine - I think it"s more because of the fact that my brute of brothers couldn"t handle such a delicate and timid girl. Elder brother cannot handle shy and timid girls. Ah Chen is too much of a brute to handle a girl like that. Ah Rui is more of a personality person, and you already know about Ah Yu, that brat even you can"t handle him. What could that girl have done? If she was here, I wouldn"t have taken her as mine because I wanted to... but because I had to."

Lin Yan smiled as he continued. "My brothers can be quite selfish when they want to. They aren"t like that with you because your personality, aura, and boldness attract them. If you were like the original Su Wan, then maybe you would only be tied to me after a few years. You might think that they are kind, but I can a.s.sure you that they are not. Marrying that Su Wan would have been about need but staying with her would always be their choice. They would have abandoned her sooner or later, Wan Wan. I would have taken her as my own person to save her from the shame. We are not good men. We never were. You think that we are, but I"m afraid..." Lin Yan whispered, tucking a lock of Su Wan"s hair behind her ear. "We aren"t what you take us as, as for loyalty - I never once cared for it.. I only wanted someone to understand me. Why will I care about such a thing when I have you?"