Sleeping Bunny
Chapter 5
[Konohara Narise] Sleeping Bunny (Part 4) [END]
Yareba dekiru jyan! 인간승리!!!
I"ll work on the epilogue now. ^o^)/ (I think I can finish that before the end of this year, hahaha. I actually feel quite proud of myself now. ^o^)
He had a spare key to the room, but he didn"t feel like waiting inside. So he waited for the man in front of the door. Even after 8 PM, the man didn"t return. When it was nearly 11 o"clock at night, Kouichi lifted his lowered head at the sound of footsteps that deceived him few times already.
When the man saw Kouichi waiting in front of his door, he turned away. Kouichi chased after him. He soon caught him. He didn"t know what the man had been doing up until now, but his eyes were red and he smelled alcohol in his breath. He vaguely remembered the man saying that he hated alcoholic drinks.
"Please go away."
"Stop running away from me."
"Please get lost. I don"t want to see that school uniform on you."
The man glared at Kouichi with drunken red eyes.
"Was it fun playing around with an older teacher?"
Not even caring what anyone else might think, he kissed the mouth saturated with alcoholic scent. He dragged the man inside the room.
He pushed down the refusing man and pulled off his clothes. This was his first time doing it so violently.
The word "rape" popped into his mind, and then disappeared. When he forced his way inside, the man was in pain and protested, but after few moments he started to make small sounds and moved his waist himself.
He didn"t want to make any excuses. Instead, he countlessly patted his back with soothing motions. The man was pretending to sleep, clutching the sheets. He had cried so much that his eyes had swollen. He looked like a sleeping bunny.
"I have to go home now."
The man continued to fake sleeping.
"Let"s talk. I"m going to come again tomorrow, okay?"
He didn"t want to part from him, so when he patted his head, even his bangs were trembling. His heart somehow throbbed painfully.
The man didn"t come to school. Even when he went to his apartment building, he had chained the door closed, so he couldn"t go inside. After 3 days of that, on the 4th day, the man"s room was completely empty. He spent half a day in front of the man"s room that had the sign "For Rent", sitting aimlessly. It was an empty room so there was no way that the man would return, but he had no choice but to wait.
Time would slowly flow. He might never be able to meet him again. That thought kept on crossing his mind. Every time, he would deny that thought, and then agree with that thought. He became sad.
When the sun nearly set, he finally remembered to move, so he stood up.
He walked the familiar streets that led to his home. From Kase Station, it was three stops until his stop. He was buried in sea of workers who were heading home from companies. He opened his gates with uncomfortable feeling that his body and soul had separated when he heard someone calling his name behind him. It was the voice of his friend, who was the last person he wanted to meet right now.
"What were you doing, cutting school?"
"Nothing." He answered without turning around.
"He came to school, you know."
He thought he was hearing things at the words. When he turned around, Kakimoto muttered, "Sly b.a.s.t.a.r.d."
"He was at the teacher"s lounge. He"ll be there tomorrow, too, wouldn"t you think?"
Kouichi was about to leave home for the second time, but his friend grabbed his arm when he tried to run.
"Wait until tomorrow."
"I can"t wait."
"Chill out already!"
When he shouted at him, he stopped. Kakimoto came nearer to Kouichi and smacked Kouichi"s head. Hard. But it didn"t hurt at all.
"Just chill out, okay? It"s not like he"s going to disappear on you in a day or two."
"What are you gonna do if he DOES disappear? Huh?" Once he started to talk, he couldn"t stop. "If I can never meet him again, what are you gonna do? You"re gonna be responsible or something? I want to meet him right now. I want to see him."
Tears came out. After he had matured, he had never cried in front of his friends. Shame, discomfort, anger, all mixed together and spilled out.
"He"s going to come to school tomorrow. I"ll guarantee it."
He didn"t know where his confidence was coming from, but that"s what Kakimoto said.
"Stop crying. You"re grossing me out."
He lightly smacked Kouichi"s lowered head.
"If he DOES disappear... I don"t want to, but I"ll look for him with you. I"ll look for him together, so go home and sleep tonight," he gently said.
"I really don"t get you," Kouichi suddenly muttered.
"Well, what can I do? Even if you"re like that, you"re my friend, so... I really can"t agree with you being gay, but."
They both closed their mouths. Kouichi went home without saying anything further. He kept feeling Kakimoto"s gaze behind his back, so he was unhappy.
He discoverd him before he entered the teacher"s lounge. When he ran towards him, the man recognized Kouichi and nervously ran inside. He sat at his desk and opened a book on purpose.
"I have something to say to you."
Grey suit ignored Kouichi who was standing right behind him. He grabbed the man"s arm.
"I can"t say it here, so let"s go."
He coldly shrugged him off. Kouichi rested both of his hands on the man"s shoulders and whispered against his ears.
"If you won"t come, I"m going to yell out right here and now that we"re dating."
The man turned around. He didn"t look angry, nor did he look troubled. He just looked so scared that he looked like he would burst into tears.
"I don"t want to see any longer. I neither wish to talk to you, nor to meet you ever again. So please let me go. I beg of you," the man said, his head lowered. "It"s unnatural for us to continue this relationship."
The room had a nice name of high school memorial center, but it became a very nice, dusty storage room. Ever since they had entered the room, the man had refused to look at Kouichi in the eyes.
"You"ve been doing this unnatural thing all this time."
"Because I didn"t know anything." He said, ironic tone seeping into his voice. "If I knew, I would have never dated you. Especially someone who"s a high school student."
"I knew."
The man lifted his head.
"I knew from the beginning that you were my school"s teacher. I knew that you were lying to me."
The man"s face crumpled painfully. He bit into his lips and muttered, "I almost want to throw up. It must have been REALLY funny, right? You must have found me so funny, clinging to you even while lying."
He let out a small scream of despair.
"If only I could, I"d like to KILL myself starting from the moment that I"ve met you. It"s all over; I"m going to end it all. How am I going to be with you after thinking such embarra.s.sing, idiotic things?"
"You love me, don"t you?"
"I always thought so, but you sound so arrogant. Are you treating me as a fool?"
"If you love me, bear with it a little."
"What the heck are you talking about?!" The man shouted. "Just how many years do you think are there in our age difference? It"s ten years. When I was an adult, you were still in elementary school. No matter how much older you get, this ten year old difference is not going to disappear."
"It"s your fault for being born first."
He was shamelessly selfish.
"Oh, so it"s all my fault now? I see. So it"s all my fault. That"s why I"m going to end this now."
In the end, the man only thought about running away. Because it was annoying, because he was worried about what the society thought, he didn"t even give a thought about sharing their future together. He didn"t try to understand Kouichi"s feelings at all.
"Fine. Shall I break up with you?"
At the parting words, the man stared at Kouichi. His eyes looked like they would overflow with tears at any moment. Even though he said he wanted to break up, he would look at him with such eyes. His eyes clung to him; said he didn"t want this. His eyes might be more honest than his words. The man clenched his hands into fists.
"Shall I break up with you? Right here, right now, I"ll say lots of words that would tear you apart and cruelly dump you. That"s easy. And then you"ll all shrivel up and think that you"d never want to fall in love again. Because you"re a scaredy-cat. You"ll never be able to love anyone, ever again. You"ll always be alone. You"ll always be lonely, and spend your life saying you"re lonely. And then you"ll think about me and regret for the rest of your life that you shouldn"t have dumped me."
"How could you say something like that?"
His voice was trembling.
"I"m telling you to THINK about it. Think carefully with that stupid head of yours."
The man covered his ears with both of his hands.
"No one would ever love you like me, ever again. Of course not. No one would give a second glance to an inconspicuous, normal man like you."
"How cruel your words are."
"It"s the truth."
"Then..." The man said, his voice small. "Then shall I be forced to be in your debt for the rest of my life? Shall I be forever worried about the fact that I"ve lied to you, that I"m older than you? Do I have to constantly worry about a young man like you changing his mind about me? I"m already obsessed with you, so what am I going to do if I fall in love with you even more? I can"t stand this any longer!"
Towards the end he had been sobbing and screaming. He wouldn"t listen, no matter what he said. Kouichi pushed the man away. He lost his balance and knocked over a stack of chairs.
"I don"t care about you any more."
His words echoed in his head. He didn"t cry, but his heart ached so much that he wanted to cry.
Girls are strong. By chance, Kouichi saw the girl he had recently dumped walking with a boy. Was it 2 weeks ago? When Kouichi refused to go out with her, her eyes had filled with tears, but now she was happily laughing next to another boy.
Did she confess with feelings that she could forget about in a week or two? The thought made him angry. That"s not real. That"s not a real love... Or was he pathetic for dragging on the love that had already ended? ...He wasn"t sure.
He had never met the man at school. After that incident, he saw him only few tmies. When he realized that he was always searching for the man unconsciously, he felt empty. He was the one who pushed him away in the end. It was definitely Kouichi who concluded the good-bye that the man had brought up.
He kept having dream about the man. He wanted him so much that it was pathetic. In his dreams, he ignored his pride and chased after the man. He found hismelf crying every time he woke up. He felt empty, and sad, and longing. No matter what words he used, he couldn"t describe this feeling. If love made him have such heavy thoughts that he couldn"t breath, he never wanted to offer love to anyone again. He kept thinking, I wish I"d never met that man...
Kakimoto didn"t ask Kouichi anything. Even though he was such a busybody, he didn"t ask anything about what happened, nor what he was going to do from now on.
It was a short break time. He saw the man on his way back from a moving cla.s.s. (T/N: In j.a.pan, teachers move from cla.s.s to cla.s.s, not students. However, for some cla.s.ses (like music), students must move to the cla.s.sroom.) The man he hadn"t seen for a while must have gotten hurt, because his left arm was in a cast, connected to his shoulder by bandages. He was talking with a male student under the stairs.
"Didn"t you say you were not into younger men?"
He knew that there was no way that the man would be talking with those kind of intentions. But he couldn"t help but be p.i.s.sed when he saw him talking with an unknown man.
If the sight upset him, he just had to go away, but he couldn"t pull his gaze away.
When the bell rang, the man tried to lift the textbooks by his side. His right hand looked uncomfortable. Feeling sorry for him, he started to walk towards him with the intention of lending him a hand, but the male student who had been talking to him got to it first and lifted the books up.
Laughing, the student started to climb the stairs. The man slowly started to ascend as well.
His heart felt like it had been stabbed. The man hadn"t recognized him yet. But he felt as if he had already been excluded from the man"s life. Putting a little distance between himself and the man, he started to climb the stairs, taking care that the man would not notice him. Kouichi had his head lowered, but he lifted it up when he heard noisy sounds of something dropping. The little tinkling sounds didn"t stop until it pa.s.sed Kouichi and reached the end of the stairway. It was a plastic chalk container.
"I"m sorry."
He heard the man"s voice. The container"s lid was broken and the contents were rolling here and there. Kouichi walked all the way down the stairs and retrieved it.
When Kouichi raised his face, his gaze and the man"s gaze met. The man"s eyes widened, and then he suddenly lowered his head.
"...Please hurry back to your room. Your cla.s.s will start."
Kouichi walked while picking up the fallen chalks.
"You don"t need to do that, so hurry and go back to your cla.s.s."
He ignored him. Even picking up the powdered remainings, he walked to the man"s side. The man had stopped in the middle of the stairway and did not move. When Kouichi picked everything up and handed him the case, he accepted with trembling hands.
"You got... hurt."
At Kouichi"s words, the man"s body became slightly stiff.
"I fell down the stairs."
"Idiot."
At Kouichi"s words, the man bit into his lips. Neither the man nor Kouichi moved. The man didn"t tell Kouichi to "go". Until recently, he had been allowed to touch his thin and white neck, fingers, and red lips, as much as he wanted. They belonged to him, and only him. But now... He was standing so close to him, yet he could not touch him.
"You"ll be a senior soon," the man suddenly said, striking up a conversation. "Did you decide on your major? Your studies are going to get harder."
"What"s it to you?"
The man lifted his face, as if someone had punched him. His face looked on a verge of crying. Even if he showed that kind of face, he was the one who had been cruel. He wanted to break up and he hated him, yet he still felt regret over him. The knowledge only made him madder.
"Did you grow to hate me?" He asked in a shaking voice. Even if he told him he loved him it wasn"t like he was going to do anything about it, so he couldn"t understand why the man would ask him that. What were his feelings?
"I really hate you."
He dropped his gaze at Kouichi"s words.
"Then... Don"t be nice to me any more."
"I"m not."
"You are. You just picked this up for me, too."
"I would"ve done so for anyone. Don"t get c.o.c.ky."
Kouichi s.n.a.t.c.hed the small case he had handed over to the man and threw it down the stairs.
Not even looking at the totally destroyed case, he climbed up the stairs.
He didn"t feel like doing anything. Everything lost its color. It really was like that. He didn"t feel like studying hard, either, so his grades dropped. His teacher called him and scolded him a little.
"You"re pathetic. You want some help?"
That"s what Kakimoto said, but he refused. He ignored the gaze that looked at him worriedly at his refusal. He didn"t really feel like talking to other people. As his heart grew colder, so did the weather. And then it was one day, after cla.s.s.
"Kakimoto tells you to come to the music room."
During 5th period"s break, Kakimoto told him to remain after cla.s.s because he had something to tell him.
"What? You can just tell me on our way home."
That"s what he said, but he didn"t ask him if they had to meet in cla.s.s. After cla.s.s he said, "You HAVE to wait," and left the room. After that, over 30 minutes had pa.s.sed. He watched everyone leave one by one at the corner of his gaze. From time to time, he heard the base ball team"s yells as they practiced outside. Kouichi became a little bored while sitting on a chair and waited for Kakimoto.
"Music room? What"s up with him?"
When Kouichi frowned, Tanaka, who was only a messenger, shrugged.
"I don"t know, but he told you to hurry and come. I gave you my message, so."
Tanaka left the room, as if his work was finished. Clucking his tongue, Kouichi slowly stood up from the chair.
The sun was setting. The hallway"s shadows were long and thin. Unless you chose music or entered a band, you wouldn"t really be familiar with the music room. All the special cla.s.ses were void of living creatures. At the end of that hallway, Kakimoto was standing in front of the room all the way at the end. He was still like a figurine.
"You..."
When Kouichi started to speak, Kakimoto placed his pointer finger against his lips.
"Be quiet."
"You made me wait for so long, so why are you giving me that att.i.tude?" He asked, slightly lowering his voice. Kakimoto jingled the keys that looked like the ones to the music room.
"Go inside. But until I say it"s okay, don"t say even one word."
Kakimoto took a hold of Kouichi"s elbow and quietly opened the door. The curtained cla.s.sroom was pretty dark. Kakimoto walked past the small grand piano and went to the deeper part of the room. He stopped in front of a room that had the sign, "Record Room". As soon as he had opened the room, he shoved Kouichi inside. Kouichi lost his balance when Kakimoto grabbed his head, and knocked it against the corner of the desk right across from him.
"What the h.e.l.l are you doing?"
When he turned around, the door closed in his face. He heard the sounds of the door being locked carefully.
"It"s totally sound-proof in that room, so you can scream and cry all you want. Finish up with that person. I"m going to come back in an hour to open the door for you."
He turned around. It was dark, so he couldn"t really see. He hadn"t realized before. At the corner of the small room about 6-tatami big, the man was sitting, a surprised look on his face.
The man was sitting on a round steel chair placed in front of the record closet. He was wearing his usual dull grey jacket and dark blue cotton pants. His face, which looked at Kouichi with amazement, slowly paled. When Kouichi moved a little, he practically jumped up. When he realized what he was doing, he slowly sat back down, looking uncomfortable. He only stared at his toes with lowered eyes, not trying to look at Kouichi.
He had nothing to say to the man who would reject him this way. Just to p.i.s.s him off, Kouichi sat on the floor right across from him, in the farthest corner possible. He hugged his legs to himself. Because of his sight being lowered, he could only see the end of the man"s feet beyond sea of desk legs. At the sides of the room, the shelves reached to the ceiling, chaotically filled with cla.s.sic records, CD, and casette tapes for autumn festivals. To pa.s.s the time, Kouichi was looking at them starting from the right side.
"Just what is the meaning of this?"
The man asked about 5 minutes after they had been locked in. His voice was vaguely shaking.
"Was that male student your friend? I didn"t even know who he was, but he told me he had something he wanted to discuss with me so I came. So how come you"re here?"
"Don"t know."
"That"s not possible," the man scolded him. He sounded like he was mad about this sitaution. Kouichi scratched the back of his head.
"Okay. I"ll be honest with you."
He slowly stood up.
"That guy just now was my new lover. He gets jealous really easily, so I told him clearly that it"s already all over between us two, but he"s still worried about you. He seems to be mistaken that I still have feelings for you. So I think he did this c.r.a.p, trying to end thigns for real this time. I"m sorry for dragging you into this."
What a selfish jacka.s.s he was. But the words came out easily. If Kakimoto heard this, he would have been p.i.s.sed like there is no tomorrow. Imagining that, he somehow found it funny, so he snickered to himself.
"Is that so," the man mumbled in a small voice. The man believed his lies. He kept changing the way he held his hands together, as if patting his thumb.
"When he comes to open the door, I"ll tell him clearly myself."
"Okay."
Their conversation ended there. Kouichi looked at the head of the standing man who leaned against the wall, his head lowered. It hasn"t been even a month since he said, "let"s break up" at the memorial center. Did he think that Kouichi, who told him "I love you" so many times, would have forgotten him in such a short period of time and already found the next lover? Since he believed him, that was the conclusion. The man was the one who forgot him without any regrets already. His heart started to ache. The man could no longer belong to him. He felt like the fact had been rubbed in his face, so he became sad.
Suddenly the man sneezed, three times in a row. His narrow shoulders shook lightly. He didn"t pay attention because he was getting used to the semi-darkness, but the surroundings had became darker. He closed the curtains and turned the lights on. The man numbly stared at Kouichi"s movements.
He stood in front of the man and dropped his jacket coat on top of the man"s head.
"I"ll let you borrow it. I"m not that cold."
He returned to his original position, across the room. The man clutched at the jacket and looked hesitant, but wrapped it around his shoulders without saying anything. The only sound in the room was the tic-toc of the clock. To Kouichi, who had his head lowered, he heard faint footsteps mingled in with the ticking of the clock.
"I"ll give it back to you, after all."
The man handed the jacket to Kouichi.
"I"m okay. You wear it."
"But then you"re going to be cold."
"I"m really okay."
The man smiled only with corners of his mouth.
"...Don"t be sweet to me."
"What are you afraid of."
At Kouichi"s words, the man stared at him with wide eyes. The hand holding the jacket started to shake visibly.
"I am not afraid of anything."
"Oh, really..."
The man ended up giving the clothing back to Kouichi and went back to his chair by the corner of the room. He numbly sat, his head lowered. The man covered his face with both of his hands. He couldn"t hide his shakingly breathing back and tears from Kouichi.
"You crying?"
The man didn"t reply.
"Why are you crying..."
He didn"t say a single word.
"Don"t tell me that you want me now."
"Some dust got into my eyes. Would you... kindly shut your mouth already?"
His voice tried to sound neutral, but it was shaking. He stood up and walked to the man"s side. He violently pulled apart the hands covering his face, but the man faced the floor.
"Keep your hands off of me. Do not touch me with the hands that you touched another man with."
"I can touch whomever I want."
"I told you to stop."
The man forcefully pushed Kouichi"s arms away. He glared at Kouichi with reddened eyes.
"You told me so many times you loved me, and you already have another lover? Aren"t young ones flexible. Or am I old fashioned?"
The man covered his mouth after speaking.
"Please go away. I think I"ll say useless things..."
"Go ahead and say them."
"I don"t want to say them."
He hugged the protesting body. The repulsing strength was suddenly gone and he melted into his arms. When he tightened his hold, the man clung to him. His hands grabbed at Kouichi"s back.
"I don"t want to give you up to a brat like that," the man muttered, as if to himself. "I"m the only one you should know about."
He used his jacket and coat as sheets to make love to the man. They couldn"t slow down at all. He wanted the man so much that he couldn"t be patient. Their awkward position and hurried insertion must have caused him pain, but the man wanted Kouichi quickly.
"I love you."
As if whispering in his dreams, the man wanted a kiss again and again. It was only after second o.r.g.a.s.m after they mindlessly held each other again and again, that they had a presence of mind to think. In the afterglow, they kept kissing each other. The man"s right arm, wrapped around his back, gently caressed Kouichi.
"Your arm all better?"
He suddenly remembered that his arm looked uncomfortable because of the cast.
The man let out a small laughter.
"To tell you the truth, I got hurt when you tossed me away back at the memorial center. I got a tiny crack in my bones, so I could"ve just used bandages, but I had a cast on just in case."
"You told me you fell down the stairs."
At Kouichi"s troubled voice, the man lowered his eyes.
"You"re worried. I guess you do feel guilty about it?"
"Of course."
"Then please kiss me instead."
The man lifted his body.
"What kind of kiss do you want?" Kouichi asked, holding him tightly. In Kouichi"s arms, the man closed his eyes and muttered,
"A gentle kiss."
He kissed him on the cheeks, then the tip of his nose, and then he gently bit down on his lips. He did so again and again, very gently. The man suddenly stiffened his hold on Kouichi"s body. He wrapped his arms around Kouichi"s neck and tucked his body closer against his, and then clsoed his eyes.
The key made a sound. The promised 1 hour had pa.s.sed. The door opened. He didn"t give a d.a.m.n what Kakimoto thought when he saw two naked man hugging eaching other. But when Kouichi grinned, he gave him a freezing look and threw the key inside the room and left after slamming the door closed.
"I"m sorry."
The man was trembling. Even while trembling, he was apologizing. He wasn"t sure to whom, but he was apologizing.
"Don"t worry about it."
He gently patted his head, as if rea.s.suring him. The man started to tremble more and more.
"To tell you the truth..."
"Yes?"
"To be honest, that guy just now was my..."
The next day, Kakimoto was really, really angry.
"I"m sorry."
Kouichi apologized again and again since morning, but he didn"t even try to listen to him.
"I"m really thankful to you."
During lunch, with thankful heart he made a mountain out of breads he bought at the convenience store and made begging motions with his hands. He sniffed with end of his nose.
"I knew you guys were beastly, but... I was an idiot for thinking you"d have any common sense. I would"ve never thought that as a thanks for trying so hard for you, I"d be shown such a disgusting scene."
"But it"s all thanks to you."
When he seriously said that, he clucked his tongue lightly.
"I was hoping that you guys would break up for once and for all."
Kakimoto stood up from his seat. Kouichi smiled bitterly. His childhood friend was roughtly spoken, cold, and awkward... but he was a busybody, and kind. Kakimoto was about to leave the room, but he suddenly turned around.
"I"ve been curious since this morning, but what happend to your left cheek?"
When Kouichi jumped and pressed his left cheek, Kakimoto smirked.
"It"s kind of big for a hickey, right?"
When he confessed to the man yesterday that having a new lover was all a lie, the man punched him with his newly healed arm with all his strength. After hitting him, the man cried in Kouichi"s arms like a child.
"I"ll never forgive you if you cheat on me."
That was his threatening words. It was yet to be seen if the words would chain up the man or Kouichi, but. He took out his wallet. The key inside fell to the floor. He hurriedly picked it up.
New key. The spare key to the man"s new room.
When he looked at the key, he suddenly wanted to see his face, so Kouichi stood up. He knew the man would make a troubled expression, but he wanted to meet him so much that he couldn"t help himself.
"Excuse me."
He carefully opened the door to the teacher"s lounge. The man, as if recognizing Kouichi"s voice, turned around and looked at him. He seemed troubled after all, since he c.o.c.ked his head a little.