She"d swear the gray filly flicks its tail in annoyance, but of course it"s just a cold draft from the opening door. Somebody else is leaving the party for the long drive home.
Once the decision to fire the gun is made, the neural impulse to pull the trigger travels from brain to finger. Or possibly the action is reflexive. Possibly deep in the animal regions of the brain, electrical activity commences, leading the finger to convulse upon the trigger, the gun to discharge, and the mind-a few tremendously significant fractions of a second later-to justify the action to itself, believing it-I-has made a decision.
Or maybe those animal regions of the brain are part of its I, whether-culturally speaking-we are trained to regard them as such. Maybe those bits of ourselves that we alienate as subconscious impulses are as much I as the things Freud quantified as the ego and superego.
That I will provide reasons-motives, justifications, triggers. Jilted love or spurned advances. Money, s.e.x, control. Any homicide cop can tell you those are the reasons people die.
In real life, it"s simple. The romance only happens in the movies.
All her best intentions of making a clean getaway evaporate, and January-of course-winds up staying behind to help clear. She and Martin and Jeff divide the spoils between them. Her share of the take includes a plate and a half of a.s.sorted cookies (unadulterated-January notes with a bit of pride that all of her brownies are gone), half of a tuna ca.s.serole, three deviled eggs, the heel of the saffron bread, and some shrimp dip. She won"t have to cook for a week.
She hopes none of the folks who left plates behind want them back, because she"s got no clue who brought what, or even who half the people in attendance were.
Behind her, the carousel sits empty and silent, even the Wurlitzer no longer breathing out its jangling tunes. The lanky Latina operator has been bagging trash and hauling it out to the dumpster. She seems overjoyed that some of the partygoers stayed behind to help tidy, and keeps shooting January shy thank-you smiles whenever their paths cross.
Actually, considering the crowd, the mess isn"t bad. January finds the brooms and dustpan behind the popcorn counter. While Martin starts cleaning out the popcorn machine, Jeff takes the big push broom, leaving January with the flat corn broom. She climbs onto the carousel platform and begins ferreting crumbs and paper wrappers from under chariots and between horses. She holds onto the pole that runs through a panda, leaning down to sweep between its paws, and the surreality of the moment strikes her.
The poles impaling the standing animals are the ones that support the platform. She can almost feel the weight of it, the tension, p.r.i.c.kling her palm. If she"d thought about how the carousel was constructed, she realizes now, she must have thought the turntable rested on bearings, but really it"s cantilevered out on sweep arms, and those arms are supported by the poles that hang from above. The whole things turns around one central pillar.
She discards two dustpans" worth of debris, starts on the third. Now she"s working around the lion and the tiger and the out-of-scale elephant, and in a moment she"ll be back to the gray ponies. That"s probably where she should dump; there will be another dustpanful at least in the rest of the carousel. As she pa.s.ses, she can"t resist the urge to pet the ugly filly on the nose.
Velvet skin and hot breath tickle her fingers.
With a wheeze, the Wurlitzer shudders to life. The carousel begins to turn with a savage jolt that sets January teetering. Pain stabs her ankle. It stretches as her Mary Jane rolls sideways and the tendons give. The broom skitters from her hand as she windmills like Wile E. Coyote on the edge of a cliff. If she falls backward into the center of the carousel, the sweep arms will catch her and drag her over the concrete floor.
She flails, diaphragm tightening, fingertips splayed. Gravity pulls her down. But as the fall becomes inevitable her right hand slaps something rigid, closes on it, pulls hard. She remembers reading about panic strength, how in extreme peril your body discards the safety margins and does whatever it has to do, whatever it can, to get you out of harm"s way.
She"s never experienced it before.
When she comes back to herself, she"s breathing raggedly, in deep concentrated gasps that hurt her trachea and lungs. For a moment, those breaths are all she can think about, until a moment later the burn in her bicep and forearm makes its presence known.
The foreleg of the gray filly is clutched in her hand. It is no longer attached to the filly.
The thing protruding from the broken end is not a metal bar, but a snapped-off length of bone.
January knows she should scream, but apparently she"s not the screaming type. She stands there looking at the horse"s leg, at the place where the horse"s leg used to attach, at the two cleanly broken ends of bone. Human bone, she can"t help but think, but how would you know for sure? She"s read that even homicide cops have to send skeletal remains out for testing sometimes to be sure if they have uncovered the remains of a person or of an animal.
Like a child with a broken toy, she tries to slot the stiff wooden leg back onto the body of the filly. It fits, but of course it won"t stay. So January stands holding it, feeling foolish and terrified, her heart still churning residual adrenaline through her veins. In a minute, she will start to shake. She"d rather not do that while she"s still stuck on a malfunctioning carousel.
With a corpse, the helpful part of her brain volunteers.
They probably used horse skeletons as the form for the ponies. The ponies she"d been riding on. Like the real manes and tails, and she"d thought that was macabre.
Real horses aren"t this small. Real people are.
"Shut up," she says. "We have to get off this thing."
She can"t figure out what else to do with the filly"s leg, so she holds it in her hand as she moves to the center of the deck. The carousel is going faster than before. Inexorably, it"s accelerating. It seems as if the Wurlitzer is accelerating with it, though she can"t think of any reason why they would be geared together. The music has a hysterical edge.
Which, in fairness, January could be imagining.
Threading between horses, holding onto the bra.s.s sleeves surrounding the steel poles, January tries not to touch the glossy, brilliant paint where a few moments ago she lingered to stroke it. Is there something dead inside every one of them? Is it possible she"s tripping and none of this is real?
Holding onto the lion"s pole-easier than the gray stallion"s, because the lion does not go up and down-January leans as far out as feels safe. The carousel is whipping fast now, the wind slapping her hair to sting her cheeks and the corners of her eyes. Jeff, Martin, and the carousel operator stand in a tight huddle. Jeff gesticulates; the carousel operator shakes her head. January can"t hear a word over the Wurlitzer.
She draws a breath and shouts as she comes around. "Hey!"
Martin"s head jerks up and he"s about to shout something when she"s carried around the curve. When she comes back, he"s ready. "Sit tight! We have a plan!"
A good plan, she hopes. One that doesn"t involve damaging her or the carousel. Any more than she"s already damaged it, that is.
When she comes around again, Jeff is sprinting beside the rotating platform. Running hard, too, which gives her an idea of how fast she must be moving, because he"s losing ground. He reaches out as the lion gains on him and she steps back to make a landing zone. He jumps, arms swinging, and lands lightly beside her, one hand making contact with the lion"s support pole where hers had rested a moment before.
"Great," January says. "Now you"re stranded too."
He grins, flush with success. "The motor"s in the middle," he says. "If I can reach-"
A thump cuts him off, a sharp wooden thud as the lion statue twists and lashes out with one gilt-clawed forepaw. January has a thousand years to watch Jeff"s expression of pained surprise as he topples backward off the carousel, a spray of blood scattering from his slashed thigh. January reaches for him instinctively, the broken leg of the gray filly falling to the deck, but all she feels is the brush of his warm, clutching fingertips against hers and then he"s gone. She almost throws herself after but something unyielding blocks her: the lion"s leg, extended like a crash barrier.
She withdraws, shuddering, into the second file. The tiger"s no better, objectively, but at least she has yet to see it move.
The next time the carousel brings her around she sees Martin hurtling the barrier, crouching beside Jeff. The time after that Jeff is up and hobbling, Martin supporting him, both of them holding a bandage made of Martin"s shirt over the gash on Jeff"s thigh.
"We"ll try something else!" Jeff shouts, but it sounds far away. Misty, if things can sound misty, exactly.
"Don"t!" January yells back, after one more revolution. "Call an ambulance."
The carousel operator has her cell phone in her hand; it doesn"t look like she was waiting for instructions on that front. January blesses sensible women and looks left and right for the gray filly"s leg, but it"s not in sight anywhere. Maybe the same centrifugal force that wants to hurl her off the carousel when she leans too far out has sent it spinning over the side.
Because she doesn"t have any idea what else to do, she goes back to the gray filly. It feels like home base, and it"s farther from the lion. She has a hard time making herself touch it at first, but eventually stops s.n.a.t.c.hing her fingers back as if she expected the lacquered wood to be hot and leans on the filly as she bobs up and down, trying to feel warm flesh and living bone under satin hide once more.
She didn"t imagine it. She didn"t imagine what the lion did to Jeff, the momentary glint of intelligence in its gla.s.s eye. She didn"t imagine the way the filly stretched under her petting.
The boom of the Wurlitzer hurts, now, so loud and so close. It"s almost impossible to think for the pounding of the base drum in her chest cavity. January imagines she can hear her brain ringing as it rattles from side to side against bone. She can"t think; she can"t jump; she can"t wait for rescue.
She has to do something.
Gingerly, teeth clenched, January leans on the sleeve and starts trying to fit her left foot into the iron of the undulating pony"s stirrup. She jams her clog in, her twisted ankle complaining, and takes a deep breath as the maimed filly"s ascent jerks her hip joint uncomfortably wide. As the pony comes down again, January jumps at the saddle, her skirt furling unevenly about her thighs. She"s grateful for the real horsehair tail now, because an arched carven one would have caught her hem and she would have fallen stupidly back to the deck and probably broken her leg. As it is, the skirt snags but tugs free, and she lands in the saddle only bruised on her inner thighs, clutching the pole and breathing hard through her nose.
You wouldn"t think something so simple could be so scary.
She pa.s.ses beside the dispenser for the rings. A dull one sits in the socket at the end of the arm, though no one has filled the hopper. In the moment it takes for January to reclaim her composure, she cranes her head to see around the bigger horses rising and falling between her and the outside. She hopes for a glimpse of Martin or Jeff, but what she sees confounds her.
The carousel shelter is full of people once again. And not EMTs. These are people dressed as if they stepped out of the ill.u.s.trations in a book on the sinking of the t.i.tanic. The women wear tunics over long skirts, or shirtwaist blouses that give them a pigeon-breasted look. The men wear suits of gray and black woolen, cut curiously large. The children run in pinafores or short pants, the girls" hair in ringlets and the boys" parted razor straight and slicked. It looks like something out of a sepia-toned print.
The gray filly tosses her wire-slick mane and whinnies, harsh and loud as the sc.r.a.pe of the band organ. Her ears p.r.i.c.k sharp as a carved horse"s, and January feels the crooked, staggering thud of hooves on the deck as her three-legged run struggles to keep up with the rise and fall of the pole. Her warm sides steam in the cold, muscles in her shoulder bunching and extending with each stride.
She tosses her head, fighting the bit. January finds herself rocking in time to the ragged gait, the muscle memory from long-ago riding lessons finding her balance and telling her to relax her arms and unclench her hands.
The filly calms, her ears flicked back as if listening. Alongside the carousel, a tall, rangy teenaged girl in a gray dress and high-heeled ankle boots runs skipping until January hears somebody call after her, chastising her as a hoyden and naming her-January.
"January?" January says, thinking suddenly, this is all a dream, I don"t care how detailed. But the filly"s ears flick, and the warm, gra.s.sy scent of her hide floats up as she shakes out her streaked silver mane. The filly bends her neck into an arc tight as a bow, lipping January"s knee, and January says the name again.
This time, the filly tosses her head yes.
"We"re namesakes."
Another yes.
The animals all seem alive now. She can hear their noises, the trumpet of the elephant, the whinny of stallions, the lion"s deep cough-nothing like the sound children make to indicate lion. They seem to eye her balefully, so that she feels herself tucking her knees in tight and keeping her elbows close, as if by staying inside the footprint of the filly"s body she can protect herself from the malevolence of carved things.
The filly"s staggering fills her with remorse, though the truncated foreleg works as if it were really running and no blood oozes from the stump. As they come around again, the girl walks alongside, and January sees her face clearly. She"s plain, with mouse-colored hair and a tap-water complexion the gray dress does nothing for. When she tosses her head, January can see the filly in her.
A filly who does just that thing when they pa.s.s the dispenser again, snapping sideways with rolling eyes as if she means to grab the ring in her teeth. The pole restrains her, and she doesn"t come within three feet.
They pa.s.s the girl again, and this time January sees the man behind her. Hand in his pocket, fist clenched around something. The girl turns, a jerk of her head as startled as if somebody touched her shoulder, as if the pressure of his eyes hurt. She turns toward the doors, moving away, and like a viewer at a horror movie January wants to call after her-don"t go outside, don"t go through the door.
But the carousel carries her away again, and now she can"t make out the sound of the Wurlitzer at all. It"s lost under the cries of the animals, unless it"s become them.
The next time she comes around, she stands in the stirrups-wincing at her ankle, at the filly"s uneven gait-and reaches for the base-metal ring. Her fingers hook; she feels the tug; the ring pops free.
If she hoped it would be that simple, she is quickly disappointed. If anything, the carousel accelerates, a faster churning now. The neighs grow wilder. Something grazes her knee-a snap from the gray mare impaled beside her crippled filly. The filly snakes her head around and snaps back, and January leans as far to the outside as the stirrups allow.
Now there"s compet.i.tion. Figures shimmer into the saddles of the elephant and the other ponies, but only on the inside ring. The carousel opposes her, her and the other January. Other fingers grope for rings, snap up one and then another, but they are all dull.
The cacophony persists. The carousel spins faster. The world wheels madly on.
From outside, she hears a single gunshot. Beneath her, the other January shies-but none of the people in the carousel shelter seem to hear.
She sets herself this time, leans out, her left foot solidly in the stirrup though her twisted ankle twinges. She braces with her right foot, aware that she"s reaching out too far and the mare might snap again. But there"s a bra.s.s ring in that dispenser somewhere, and if she doesn"t collect it, she doesn"t know how she"s getting off this carousel alive. The faces alongside are a blur now, the stained-gla.s.s seasons a colorful smear.
As they come up on the dispenser, she reaches over the filly"s neck. The cold ring brushes her fingertips. She s.n.a.t.c.hes, sees bright metal, grabs again. Something sharp stabs up her right leg, pain like slamming it in a car door. It hauls, pulling her off balance, but she palms the ring she has already and her fingers hook the glittering circle of the next.
Momentum carries her forward, the ring snagged on her fingertips beginning to slide, the gray mare, teeth clenched in her calf muscle, hauling back.
January closes her hand before she loses the bra.s.s ring.
Silence falls, so sudden and hollow it makes her wonder briefly if she has been struck deaf. The carousel glides, slowing now.
Once the human element-motive, culpability, perception-enters the equation, it"s no longer so simple to trace a sequence of causality, to say-mechanistically, with confidence-here is the inciting event, and here is what caused that, and here is what caused that again.
We will never know why the finger pulls the trigger, even when it is our finger that tightens on yielding metal, our hand that jumps with the buck of the gun. We can speculate, but will never know.
It"s possible that her death was inevitable from the moment he followed her-tall and plain and smarting-from the shelter of the carousel, into the night where she died.
January limps away from the filly, the bra.s.s ring clutched in her palm. She has to twist and sidle to move between the animals, frozen now in contortions with reaching claws and gnashing teeth. Blood wells thick and artificial looking down her calf through the torn tights, skidding and squishing inside her Mary Jane.
Martin is waiting to catch her when she falls off the platform. The EMTs are there, gathered around Jeff, who is propped on his elbows telling jokes. The carousel operator sits beside him, head down, her hands pressed over her eyes.
Martin says to the EMTs, "I don"t know what happened. We were helping to clean up after the party, and the thing just turned itself on."
January sits down gratefully on the plastic chair they bring. She extends her leg through the tear in her skirt. The EMT looks at it and clucks. "You"ll want to come to the ER."
"Are the police on the way?"
The EMT nods, her blond ponytail bobbing. "They should be here in five minutes. Do you want to file a complaint?"
The carousel operator moans.
"No," January says. "I want to report a murder. From about a hundred years ago."
Firstly, he must have wanted to own her. Why else would he have found a way to keep her all this time?
As for what she wanted, what she dreamed as she rode (or ran) on the carousel that trapped her-to be seen, to be loved, to be free-as for what she wanted, no one ever asked her at all.
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n.o.body, not even boskone, has such big guns The Salt Sea and the Sky It was a bright morning, cool and clear, when I realized I was going to break her heart. It was high summer, two weeks before the solstice, and I was up with the birds to watch the dawn. I had skinned out the usual clutter and shut off texting and my new cheapest-model Omni, a seventeenth birthday present from my dad.
So it was just me and the sea and the quiet town and the sunrise. If I ignored the lack of cars, I could imagine I was back in the twentieth century. Of course, the sea would have been lower then, the beach unprotected by the seawalls that now held the ocean back.