I can"t breathe. I feel really anxious in this situation.

I can"t make love-I have a headache (chest pain, backache, muscle aches, etc.).

You"re going to do something to hurt me (predict fear).

STATEMENTS FROM PARTNERS OF PEOPLE WITH BG PROBLEMS.

She"s anxious.

He"s nervous.

She"s uptight.

He cares too much about what others think.

He predicts the worst possible outcomes to situations.

She complains for feeling bad a lot (headaches, stomachaches).

He won"t deal with conflict.

She won"t deal with problems head on.

BASAL GANGLIA (BG) SUMMARY.

(the anxiety center)

BG Functions Excessive BG Activity Problems Integrates feeling, Anxiety/panic thoughts and Hypervigilance movement Muscle tension Sets body"s idle Conflict avoidance Smooths movement Prediction of the worst Modulates motivation Excessive fear of being judged by Mediates pleasure others Tendency to freeze in anxiety situations Shyness or timidity Tendency to bite fingernails or pick skin Excessive motivation (can"t stop working) Low BG Activity Problems Low motivation Attentional problems Excitement seeking Tremor/movement problems DIAGNOSTIC PROBLEMS a.s.sOCIATED WITH EXCESSIVE BG ACTIVITY.

Anxiety disorders Workaholism Physical stress symptoms, Insecurity such as headaches, stomachaches DIAGNOSTIC PROBLEMS a.s.sOCIATED WITH LOW BG ACTIVITY.

Movement disorders Attention deficit disorder (ADD) Low motivation WAYS TO CALM HIGH BG ACTIVITY.

Body biofeedback Cognitive therapy to kill the bad thoughts Hypnosis, meditation Relaxation training Relaxing music a.s.sertiveness training Limited caffeine/alcohol High BG supplements, such as GABA or valerian root High BG medications (if appropriate), antianxiety meds such as benzodiazepines (low dose, short time), Buspar, antidepressant meds, anticonvulsants, blood pressure meds such as propranolol WAYS TO STIMULATE LOW BG ACTIVITY.

Intense aerobic exercise Stimulating, exciting behaviors Stimulating music Low BG supplements, to boost dopamine, such as L-tyrosine Low BG medications (if appropriate), stimulants such as Adderall or Concerta Temporal Lobes (TLs)-Memories and Moods The temporal lobes, underneath your temples and behind your eyes, are involved with language (hearing and reading), reading social cues, short-term memory, getting memories into long-term storage, processing music, tone of voice, and mood stability. They also help with recognizing objects by sight and naming them. Called the "What Pathway" in the brain, it is involved with recognition and naming objects and faces. In addition, the temporal lobes, especially on the right side, have been implicated in spiritual experience and insight. Experiments that stimulate the right temporal lobe have demonstrated increased religious or spiritual experiences, such as feeling G.o.d"s presence. o.r.g.a.s.ms have been found to activate this part of the brain as well.

The hippocampus, situated on the inside aspect of the temporal lobes, encodes new information and stores it for up to several weeks. When these areas are damaged, you can neither store new experiences nor retrieve experiences learned within the past several weeks. The hippocampus is one of the first areas damaged by Alzheimer"s disease.

In front of the hippocampus on the inside of the temporal lobe is an almond-shaped structure called the amygdala. The amygdala coordinates your emotional responses. Strong emotions can improve the encoding process of hippocampal neurons and make it easier to retrieve the experience. This is useful because it allows you to more easily remember events that were "emotionally stimulating," such as being mugged, having good s.e.x, or recalling a fascinating fact you recently heard. I remember a taxi ride in 2005 from Manhattan to JFK airport like it was yesterday. I even remember the cab number, 4118. The cab driver had on very irritating music, talked loudly on his cell phone, paid little attention to the road, and nearly got us into two accidents. My emotional response to this terrible ride to the airport got his cab number stuck in my head. By emphasizing the memory of certain experiences over others, the amygdala allows you to respond more appropriately and quickly in the future-being able to recognize a potential mugger or dangerous cab driver ahead of time may save your life. When the amygdala functions appropriately, we tend to react to the world in a logical, thoughtful way. When it is overactive, our responses may be exaggerated for the situation. When the amygdala is underactive, we fail to read situations accurately, and our response may not match what has happened. For example, if you laugh upon hearing from your wife that her best friend died, your amygdala may not be working properly.

Trouble in the temporal lobes leads to both short- and long-term memory problems, reading difficulties, trouble finding the right words in conversation, trouble reading social cues, mood instability, and sometimes religious or moral preoccupation or perhaps a lack of spiritual sensitivity. The temporal lobes, especially on the left side, have been a.s.sociated with temper problems. Abnormal (high or low) activity in this part of the brain is often due to a deficiency in the neurotransmitter GABA; balancing it through supplements or medications is often helpful.

TLs in Relationships When the temporal lobes function properly, people tend to have emotional stability. They are able to process and understand what others say in a clear way. They can retrieve words for conversations. They tend to accurately read the emotional state of others. They have control over their tempers. They have access to accurate memories. Because of their memory, they have a sense of personal history and ident.i.ty.

When the temporal lobes do not function properly, people tend to have memory struggles. They do not have clear access to their own personal history and ident.i.ty. They are often emotionally labile (up and down). They tend to be temperamental and have problems with anger. They often have violent thoughts and express their frustration with aggressive talk. They often take things the wrong way and appear to be a little bit paranoid. They may have periods of s.p.a.ciness or confusion and to misinterpret what is said to them.

POSITIVE TL RELATIONAL STATEMENTS.

I remember what you asked me to do.

I have a clear memory of the history of our relationship.

I feel stable and even.

I have access to the words I need to express my feelings.

I can usually tell when another person is happy, sad, mad, or bored.

I have good control over my temper.

My memory is good.

NEGATIVE TL RELATIONAL STATEMENTS.

I struggle with memory.

I blow things way out of proportion.

I get angry easily. I have a bad temper.

My moods tend to be volatile.

I tend to get scary, violent thoughts in my head.

It"s hard for me to read.

I often misinterpret what others say.

I tend to be too sensitive to others or feel others are talking about me.

I tend to misread the facial expressions of others.

I frequently have trouble finding the right words in a conversation.

STATEMENTS FROM PARTNERS OF PEOPLE WITH TL PROBLEMS.

He can be physically or verbally very aggressive.

She"s volatile.

His memory is very poor. She misreads situations.

He"s very moody and has serious mood swings. She takes things the wrong way. He s.p.a.ces out very easily.

She doesn"t seem to learn by reading something or hearing directions. You have to show her what to do.

TEMPORAL LOBES (TLs) SUMMARY

(memory and mood stability)

TL Functions TL Problems (both under and overactive) Understanding using Memory Language Auditory learning Auditory and visual-processing Retrieval of words Finding the right word Emotional stability Mood instability Facilitating long-term Anxiety for little or no reason Memory Left side: reading words Headaches or abdominal pain (hard to diagnose) Read faces Reading facial expressions or social cues Right side: reading Dark, evil, awful or hopeless social cues thoughts Verbal intonation Aggression, toward self or others Rhythm, music Learning Visual learning Illusions (shadows, visual, or auditory distortions) Spiritual experience Overfocused on religious ideas DIAGNOSTIC PROBLEMS a.s.sOCIATED WITH LOW TL ACTIVITY.

Head injury Dissociation Anxiety Temporal epilepsy Amnesia Serious depression with dark or suicidal thoughts Left side: aggression, Right side: trouble with social cues Dyslexia DIAGNOSTIC PROBLEMS a.s.sOCIATED WITH HIGH TL ACTIVITY.

Epilepsy Religiosity Increased intuition or Same interventions as low TL sensory perception activity WAYS TO BALANCE THE TLs (low or high) Biofeedback to stabilize Relationship counseling TL function Anger management Music therapy Increased protein diet For memory problems (options to consider) Physical and mental exercise Omega-3 fatty acids, alpha lipoic acid, Vitamin E and Vitamin C as antioxidants, phosphatidal serine, ginkgo biloba TL supplements, such GABA or valerian to calm TLs if needed TL medications (if appropriate), antiseizure medications for mood instability and temper problems, such as Depakote, Neurontin, Gabatril, and Lamictal; memory-enhancing medications for more serious memory problems, such as Namenda, Aricept, Exelon, or Reminyl Lesson #2: No forethought equals no foreplay. Understand how the brain works and influences our behavior-and our intimate relation-ships-for a healthy and romantic s.e.x life.

THE CHEMISTRY OF LOVE.

Ingredients of Attraction, Infatuation, Commitment, and Detachment "Don"t copulate with people you don"t want to fall in love with, because indeed you may do just that."

-Anthropologist HELEN FISHER You"re sitting behind the wheel of your van at a long traffic light. The only thing slower than the traffic is your perception of time"s pa.s.sage.

Then you notice her.

She appears at the curb, waiting to cross. No, she"s not the love of your life. She"s more like the heat of the moment. It"s fortunate that your wife isn"t there; you"d be in deep trouble as you take in the stranger"s hips and b.r.e.a.s.t.s, and the way her waist scoops in to accentuate both. Time is enhanced; there"s a pleasing buzz connecting your temples.

Your reaction is automatic, reflexive, and quite possibly the most powerful one you"ll have this day. It temporarily blots out your long-range commitments-your ten-year marriage, your sweet child in second grade, your responsibility to keep eyes forward at traffic lights. You"ve surrendered control; you"re captivated by the pleasure in the vision.

"You dog!" you may whisper under your breath, embarra.s.sed by what you"re envisioning as you sit there in your family van. But it might be more correct to say, "You dopamine fiend!"

When you spot the object of your desire, the neurotransmitter dopamine lights up areas deep within the brain, triggering feelings of pleasure, motivation, and reward. (Cocaine acts the same way.) You feel a rush, and your heartbeat quickens. Attraction, too, is a powerful drug. The brain stem also gets into the act, releasing phenylethylamine (PEA), which speeds up the flow of information between nerve cells. It"s no wonder your neck and eyeb.a.l.l.s track her every movement.

But she"s not gawking back at you, and it"s not just because you"re driving a family bus with a paint sc.r.a.pe on the fender. Her brain acts very differently from yours. You"re keyed in to beauty, shape, fantasy, and obsession; on some biological level that she may be unaware of, she"s looking for a mate who will sire healthy children and protect and provide for her and them. And yes, maybe even buy them a family van. Her goals are programmed for the long range; yours are often shockingly short term.

The whole encounter can leave you quivering with pleasure, hoping for more.

It can also ruin your life.

Between the "walk" and "don"t walk" signals of delight and disaster, your brain is sorting information, making choices, spurring actions. Pay attention-your whole life is riding on the choices you make.

Chemical Symphony If you have ever listened to a symphony or any other beautiful musical production, you realize how each musician plays an essential part in the overall artistic performance. If any musician plays out of sync with the others, the music can be ruined. A fulfilling s.e.xual relationship is very similar to a well-conducted symphony with respect to the synergy of many hormones and chemicals that are released at different phases of the love relationship. If a hormone or brain chemical is out of balance compared to the others (over- or underproduced), the entire s.e.xual experience can be ruined.

After looking at the five different brain systems that relate to human behavior discussed in Lesson Two, it is time to explore the major chemicals involved with the primary phases of love: attraction, infatuation, commitment, and detachment.

Attraction, the craving for s.e.xual gratification, is primarily driven by the male and female hormones, testosterone and estrogen, the chemical nitric oxide, and potentially a group of chemicals called pheromones.

Infatuation, intense, pa.s.sionate love-characterized by extreme happiness when things are going well, bad feelings when they"re not; focused attention; obsessive thinking; and craving for the new love-is controlled by a c.o.c.ktail of neurotransmitters including epinephrine, norepinephrine, dopamine, serotonin, and phenylethylamine (PEA).

Commitment, the sense of connectedness, sustained joy, stability, and peace that one feels with a potential long-term partner, is created by the hormones oxytocin and vasopressin.

Detachment, losing a love through breakups or death, often leads to deficiencies in serotonin and endorphins.

This chapter will go through each phase and also give you tips on managing these phases, especially detachment, so they don"t throw you out of balance.

Attraction Chemicals-"You Turn Me On"

(Testosterone, Estrogen, Nitric Oxide, and Pheromones)

When I saw her for the first time, it was hard to catch my breath. She was stunning. I couldn"t possibly think about anything else. I didn"t want to stare, but couldn"t help myself. "Stop it," I screamed inside my head. "Look away. No, I just have to look. Be polite, she"ll think you are a pervert." My thoughts started to run wild. "Her curly brown hair, her sparkling green eyes, her neck, her slender body, amazing ... Stop it, get a grip, you don"t even know her." This little intense dialogue is what could be the beginning of the great love in your life, a horror story of obsession, or momentary fireworks.

What happens in the brain when we are s.e.xually attracted to someone new? Our brain is programmed for attraction. It is one of the most powerfully rewarding reactions in this history of our species. The brain is a chemical factory looking for love. Attraction activates the erector sets that live in all of us.

Fifty percent of the brain is dedicated to vision, so how people look, how they move, how they smile, and how their eyes appear are critical to the process of attraction. When a man or woman sees an attractive person, the visual areas of the brain spark with activity, and he or she occupies a large portion of the brain. Attraction works very much like a powerful drug.

Using sophisticated imaging equipment, researchers from Emory University in Atlanta found that the amygdala, an area of the brain that controls emotions and motivation, is much more activated in men than women when viewing s.e.xual material for thirty minutes, even though both s.e.xes reported similar levels of interest in the images. This may be one of the reasons men are much more interested in p.o.r.nography than women. It is also no mistake that women spend more time caring for their physical appearance. How they look has much more impact on a man"s brain than the other way around.

Men tend to be attracted to symmetrical, fertile, healthy, younger-looking women. A man"s genetic brain is looking at a woman and deciding whether or not he wants his children to carry her genes. Unconsciously we look for signs of health, such as clear skin and bright eyes. A number of scientists believe that body symmetry also plays a critical role in our view of beauty. The theory behind this notion is that asymmetrical features give clues to underlying health problems, thus yielding more troubled offspring. In a study at the University of New Mexico, college males found symmetrical female faces more attractive than asymmetrical faces. In addition, women who were blessed with symmetry had a history of more s.e.xual partners and tended to lose their virginity at an earlier age.

There is now scientific proof for something people have long suspected-beautiful women make men stupid. Canadian researchers showed men pictures of conventionally pretty or not-so-pretty women. The men rolled dice-and were told they could either receive $15 the following day or $75 after waiting a few days. The men who saw the pictures of the beautiful women were more likely to take the $15-proving, researchers say, that men stop thinking about long-term consequences once love chemicals kick in. By the way, the same test was done on women-and attractiveness had no effect on their thinking processes. It seems as though beautiful women cause a man"s limbic system to fire up (emotional charge) while his prefrontal cortex (PFC) heads south, leaving the judgment area of the brain vacant. Las Vegas knows this principle very well. Casinos have beautiful waitresses dressed in low-cut, short dresses serving free alcohol-both lower PFC activity. No wonder the house has the edge.

A woman"s brain is much less interested in how a man looks than in how he thinks and acts. Women often look to a man"s ability to care for her and her subsequent offspring. The trappings of a successful man, in whatever society, are more important than just his physical appearance. As always, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

The feelings of attraction, desire, arousal, and o.r.g.a.s.m are fueled by a complicated interplay of chemicals, hormones, and other substances that cause the familiar and intriguing sensation of being "turned on." Testosterone and estrogen were first identified in the 1920s as playing a role in s.e.xual attraction. Since that time, there has been quite an evolution in the understanding of the chemistry involved with feelings of l.u.s.t, from the controversial work of Alfred Kinsey in the 1940s, to the first published studies on human s.e.xuality and the stages of s.e.xual response in the 60s, to the present, when substances like v.i.a.g.r.a (a medication that increases blood flow to the genital areas to aid with arousal) and AndroGel (a testosterone gel applied to the skin for those with low levels of testosterone) are readily used and heavily marketed.

A hormone is a chemical produced by one organ (endocrine gland) that has a specific effect on the activities of other organs in the body. The major s.e.x hormones can be cla.s.sified as androgens or estrogens. Both cla.s.ses of hormones are present in males and females alike, but in vastly different amounts. Most men produce 6 to 8 mg of testosterone (an androgen) per day, compared to most women who produce 0.5 mg daily. Estrogens are also present in both s.e.xes, but in larger amounts for women.