She must have told him that weeks earlier. He"d put off talking to me- because we"d never been close, and now we were growing further apart. "I don"t know why she couldn"t tell you," he said.
But he wasn"t telling me either. He was looking at me as if I were a stranger he had to chat to. I felt uneasy, unsure now that I wanted to hear what he had to say. A man was approaching the shop. I stood up, hoping he"d interrupt.
He did, and I served him. Then, to delay my father"s revelation, I adjusted stacks of tins. My father stared at me in disgust. "If you don"t watch out you"ll be as bad as your mother."
I found the idea of being like my mother strange, indefinably disturbing. But he wouldn"t let me be like him, wouldn"t let me near. All right, I"d be brave, I"d listen to what he had to say. But he said "Oh, it"s not worth me trying to tell you. You"ll find out."
He meant I must find out for myself that Father Christmas was a childish fantasy. He didn"t mean he wanted the thing from the chimney to come for me, the disgust in his eyes didn"t mean that, it didn"t. He meant that I had to behave like a man.
And I could. I"d show him. The chimney was silent. I needn"t worry until Christmas Eve. Nor then. There was nothing to come out.
One evening as I walked home I saw Dr Flynn in his front room. He was standing before a mirror, gazing at his red fur-trimmed hooded suit; he stooped to pick up his beard. My mother told me that he was going to act Father Christmas at the children"s hospital. She seemed on the whole glad that I"d seen. So was I: it proved the pretence was only for children.
Except that the glimpse reminded me how near Christmas was. As the nights closed on the days, and the days rushed by-the end-of-term party, the turkey, decorations in the house-I grew tense, trying to prepare myself. For what? For nothing, nothing at all. Well, I would know soon-for suddenly it was Christmas Eve.
I was busy all day. I washed up as my mother prepared Christmas dinner. I brought her ingredients, and hurried to buy some she"d used up. I stuck the day"s cards to tapes above the mantelpiece. I carried home a tinsel tree which n.o.body had bought. But being busy only made the day move faster. Before I knew it the windows were full of night.
Christmas Eve. Well, it didn"t worry me. I was too old for that sort of thing. The tinsel tree rustled when anyone pa.s.sed it, light rolled in tinsel globes, streamers flinched back when doors opened. Whenever I glanced at the wall above the mantelpiece I saw half a dozen red-cheeked smiling bearded faces swinging restlessly on tapes.
The night piled against the windows. I chattered to my mother about her shouting father, her elder sisters, the time her sisters had locked her in a eellar. My father grunted occasionally-even when I"d run out of subjects to discuss with my mother, and tried to talk to him about the shop. At least he hadn"t noticed how late I was staying up. But he had. "It"s about time everyone was in bed," he said with a kind of suppressed fury.
"Can I have some more coal?" My mother would never let me have a coalscuttle in the bedroom-she didn"t want me going near the fire. "To put on now," I said. Surely she must say yes. "It"ll be cold in the morning," I said.
"Yes, you take some. You don"t want to be cold when you"re looking at what Father-at your presents."
I hurried upstairs with the scuttle. Over its clatter I heard my father say "Are you still at that? Can"t you let him grow up?"
I almost emptied the scuttle into the fire, which rose roaring and crackling. My father"s voice was an angry mumble, seeping through the floor. When I carried the scuttle down my mother"s eyes were red, my father looked furiously determined. I"d always found their arguments frightening; I was glad to hurry to my room.
It seemed welcoming. The fire was bright within the mesh. I heard my mother come upstairs. That was comforting too: she was nearer now. I heard my father go next door-to wish the doctor Happy Christmas, I supposed. I didn"t mind the reminder. There was nothing of Christmas Eve in my room, except the pillowcase on the floor at the foot of the bed. I pushed it aside with one foot, the better to ignore it.
I slid into bed. My father came upstairs; I heard further mumblings of argument through the bedroom wall. At last they stopped, and I tried to relax. I lay, glad of the silence.
A wind was rushing the house. It puffed down the chimney; smoke trickled through the fireguard. Now the wind was breathing brokenly. It was only the wind. It didn"t bother me.
Perhaps I"d put too much coal on the fire. The room was hot; I was sweating. I felt almost feverish. The huge mesh flicked over the wall repeatedly, nervously, like a rapid net. Within the mirror the dimmer room danced.
Suddenly I was a little afraid. Not that something would come out of the chimney, that was stupid: afraid that my feeling of fever would make me delirious again. It seemed years since I"d been disturbed by the sight of the room in the mirror, but I was disturbed now. There was something wrong with that dim jerking room.
The wind breathed. Only the wind, I couldn"t hear it changing. A fat billow of smoke squeezed through the mesh. The room seemed more oppressive now, and smelled of smoke. It didn"t smell entirely like coal smoke, but I couldn"t tell what else was burning. I didn"t want to get up to find out.
I must lie still. Otherwise I"d be writhing about trying to clutch at sleep, as I had the second night of my fever, and sometimes in summer. I must sleep before the room grew too hot. I must keep my eyes shut. I mustn"t be distracted by the faint trickling of soot, nor the panting of the wind, nor the shadows and orange light that s.n.a.t.c.hed at my eyes through my eyelids.
I woke in darkness. The fire had gone out. No, it was still there when I opened my eyes: subdued orange crawled on embers, a few weak flames leapt repet.i.tively. The room was moving more slowly now. The dim room in the mirror, the face peering out at me, jerked faintly, as if almost dead.
I couldn"t look at that. I slid further down the bed, dragging the pillow into my nest. I was too hot, but at least beneath the sheets I felt safe. I began to relax. Then I realised what I"d seen. The light had been dim, but I was almost sure the fireguard was standing away from the hearth.
I must have mistaken that, in the dim light. I wasn"t feverish, I couldn"t have sleepwalked again. There was no need for me to look, I was comfortable. But I was beginning to admit that I had better look when I heard the slithering in the chimney. Something large was coming down. A fall of soot: I could hear the scattering pats of soot in the grate, thrown down by the harsh halting wind. But the wind was emerging from the fireplace, into the room. It was above me, panting through its obstructed throat.
I lay staring up at the mask of my sheets. I trembled from holding myself immobile. My held breath filled me painfully as lumps of rock. I had only to lie there until whatever was above me went away. It couldn"t touch me.
The clogged breath bent nearer; I could hear its dry rattling. Then something began to fumble at the sheets over my face. It plucked feebly at them, trying to grasp them, as if it had hardly anything to grasp with. My own hands clutched at the sheets from within, but couldn"t hold them down entirely. The sheets were being tugged from me, a fraction at a time. Soon I would be face to face with my visitor.
I was lying there with my eyes squeezed tight when it let go of the sheets and went away. My throbbing lungs had forced me to take shallow breaths; now I breathed silently open-mouthed, though that filled my mouth with fluff. The tolling of my ears subsided, and I realised the thing had not returned to the chimney. It was still in the room.
I couldn"t hear its breathing; it couldn"t be near me. Only that thought allowed me to look-that, and the desperate hope that I might escape, since it moved so slowly. I peeled the sheets down from my face slowly, stealthily, until my eyes were bare. My heartbeats shook me. In the sluggishly shifting light I saw a figure at the foot of the bed.
Its red costume was thickly furred with soot. It had its back to me; its breathing was m.u.f.fled by the hood. What shocked me most was its size. It occurred to me, somewhere amid my engulfing terror, that burning shrivels things. The figure stood in the mirror as well, in the dim twitching room. A face peered out of the hood in the mirror, like a charred turnip carved with a rigid grin.
The stunted figure was still moving painfully. It edged round the foot of the bed and stooped to my pillowcase. I saw it draw the pillowcase up over itself and sink down. As it sank its hood fell back, and I saw the charred turnip roll about in the hood, as if there were almost nothing left to support it.
I should have had to pa.s.s the pillowcase to reach the door. I couldn"t move. The room seemed enormous, and was growing darker; my parents were far away. At last I managed to drag the sheets over my face, and pulled the pillow, like m.u.f.fs, around my ears.
I had lain sleeplessly for hours when I heard a movement at the foot of the bed. The thing had got out of its sack again. It was coming towards me. It was tugging at the sheets, more strongly now. Before I could catch hold of the sheets I glimpsed a red fur-trimmed sleeve, and was screaming.
"Let go, will you," my father said irritably. "Good G.o.d, it"s only me."
He was wearing Dr Flynn"s disguise, which flapped about him-the jacket, at least; his pyjama cuffs peeked beneath it. I stopped screaming and began to giggle hysterically. I think he would have struck me, but my mother ran in. "It"s all right. All right," she rea.s.sured me, and explained to him "It"s the shock."
He was making angrily for the door when she said "Oh, don"t go yet, Albert. Stay while he opens his presents," and, lifting the bulging pillowcase from the floor, dumped it beside me.
I couldn"t push it away, I couldn"t let her see my terror. I made myself pull out my presents into the daylight, books, sweets, ballpoints; as I groped deeper I wondered whether the charred face would crumble when I touched it. Sweat p.r.i.c.ked my hands; they shook with horror-they could, because my mother couldn"t see them.
The pillowcase contained nothing but presents and a pinch of soot. When I was sure it was empty I slumped against the headboard, panting. "He"s tired," my mother said, in defence of my ingrat.i.tude. "He was up very late last night."
Later I managed an accident, dropping the pillowcase on the fire downstairs. I managed to eat Christmas dinner, and to go to bed that night. I lay awake, even though I was sure nothing would come out of the chimney now. Later I realised why my father had come to my room in the morning dressed like that; he"d intended me to catch him, to cure me of the pretence. But it was many years before I enjoyed Christmas very much.
When I left school I went to work in libraries. Ten years later I married. My wife and I crossed town weekly to visit my parents. My mother chattered, my father was taciturn. I don"t think he ever quite forgave me for laughing at him.
One winter night our telephone rang. I answered it, hoping it wasn"t the police. My library was then suffering from robberies. All I wanted was to sit before the fire and imagine the glittering cold outside. But it was Dr Flynn.
"Your parents" house is on fire," he told me. "Your father"s trapped in there. Your mother needs you."
They"d had a friend to stay. My mother had lit the fire in the guest-room, my old bedroom. A spark had eluded the fireguard; the carpet had caught fire. Impatient for the fire engine, my father had run back into the house to put the fire out, but had been overcome. All this I learned later. Now I drove coldly across town, towards the glow in the sky. The glow was doused by the time I arrived. Smoke scrolled over the roof. But my mother had found a coal sack and was struggling still to run into the house, to beat the fire; her friend and Dr Flynn held her back. She dropped the sack and ran to me. "Oh, it"s your father. It"s Albert," she repeated through her weeping.
The firemen withdrew their hose. The ambulance stood winking. I saw the front door open, and a stretcher carried out. The path was wet and frosty. One stretcher-bearer slipped, and the contents of the stretcher spilled over the path.
I saw Dr Flynn glance at my mother. Only the fear that she might turn caused him to act. He grabbed the sack and, running to the path, scooped up what lay scattered there. I saw the charred head roll on the lip of the sack before it dropped within. I had seen that already, years ago.
My mother came to live with us, but we could see she was pining; my parents must have loved each other, in their way. She died a year later. Perhaps I killed them both. I know that what emerged from the chimney was in some sense my father. But surely that was a premonition. Surely my fear could never have reached out to make him die that way.
Loveman"s Comeback (1977).
Surely she was dreaming. She lay in bed, but the blankets felt like damp moss. Her eyes were white and blind. She suffered a m.u.f.fled twinge of nightmare before she realized that what filled her eyes was moonlight and not cataract. Sitting up hastily, she saw the moon beyond the grubby pane. Against it stood a nearby chimney, a square black horned head.
The light must have awakened her, if she was awake. The moonlit blankets and their shadows retained a faint tousled outline of her. As she gazed at the vague form she felt hardly more present herself. She was standing up, she found, and at some point had dressed herself ready for walking.
Why did she want to go out? Frost glittered on the window, as though the grime were flowering translucently. Still, perhaps even the cold might be preferable to the empty house, which sounded drained of life, rattling with her echoes. It hadn"t sounded so when her parents-No point in dwelling on that subject. Walk, instead.
No need to hurry so. Surely she had time to switch on the light above the stairs. Her compulsion disagreed: moonlight reached across the landing from her open bedroom door and lay like an askew fragment of carpet over the highest stairs; that was illumination enough. Her shadow jerked downstairs jaggedly ahead of her. Her echoes ran about the house like an insubstantial stumbling crowd, to remind her how alone she was. To escape them, she hurried blindly down the unclothed stairs, along the thundering hall, and out.
The street was not rea.s.suring. But then so late at night streets seldom were: they reminded her of wandering. Or was that a dream too? Hadn"t she wandered streets at night, the more deserted the better, alongside others-friends, no doubt-sharing fat multicolored hand-rolled cigarettes, or locked into the depths of themselves by some chemical? Hadn"t houses shrunk as though gnomes were staging illusions, hadn"t bricks melted and run together like wax? But she couldn"t be sure that she was remembering; even her parents resembled a dream. The urge to walk was more real.
Well, she could walk no faster. Underfoot, the roadway felt cracked: on the pavements dead streetlamps help up their broken heads. At one end of the street she"d glimpsed a street soaked in moonlight; it seemed to her like the luminous skeleton of something unimaginable. But her impulse tugged her the other way, between unbroken ranks of houses whose only garden was the pavement. Moonlight covered the slated roofs with overlapping scales of white ice. As she pa.s.sed, the dim dull windows appeared to ripple.
She was so numb that she felt only the compulsion to walk. It was a nervousness that must be obeyed, a vague nagging like a threat of pain. Was it like the onset of withdrawal symptoms? She couldn"t recall-indeed, wasn"t sure whether she had experienced them. Had she gone so far with the needle?
Litter scuttled on the chill wind; something broken sc.r.a.ped a lamp"s gla.s.s fangs. Terraced houses enclosed her like solid walls. In the darkness, their windows looked opaque as brick; surely n.o.body could live within. Could she not meet just one person, to convince her that the city hadn"t died in the night?
The dimness of her memories had begun to dismay her. Her mind seemed dark and empty. But the streets were brightening. Orange light glared between walls, searing her eyes. A coppery glow hovered overhead, on gathering clouds. When she heard the brisk whirr of a vehicle she knew she was approaching the main road.
Bleak though it was, it heartened her. At least she would be able to see; groping and stumbling along the side streets had reminded her of her worst secret fear. She could walk beside the dual carriageway. Even the drivers, riding in their tins as though on a conveyor belt, would be company. Perhaps one might give her a ride. Sometimes they had.
But she wasn"t allowed to walk there. Before she had time even to narrow her eyes against the glare, her impulse plunged her into the underpa.s.s, where graffiti were tangled in barbaric patterns. Long thin lights fluttered and buzzed like trapped insects. A car rumbled dully overhead. The middle of the underpa.s.s was a muddy pool that drowned the clogged drains. Though she had to walk through it she couldn"t feel the water. Didn"t that prove she was dreaming?
Perhaps. But as she emerged onto the far pavement she grew uneasy. She knew where she was going-but her mind refused to be more explicit. She was compelled forward, between two hefty gateposts without gates, beneath trees.
Memories were stirring. They peered out, but withdrew before she could tell why she was unnerved. Her compulsion hurried her along the private road, as though to outdistance the memories. But there were things she"d seen before: great white houses standing aloof beyond their gardens, square self-satisfied brick faces cracked by the shadows of branches; families of cars like sleeping beasts among the trees; lamp-standards or ships"steering wheels outside front doors; boats beached far from any sea. When had she been here, and why? In her unwilling haste she slipped and fell on wet dead leaves.
Gradually, with increasing unpleasantness, her mind became strained. Opposing impulses struggled there. She wanted to know why this place was familiar, yet dreaded to do so. Part of her yearned to wake, but what if she found she was not asleep? Oblivious of her confusion, her feet trudged rapidly onward.
Suddenly they turned. She had to fight her way out from her thoughts to see where she was going. No, not here! It wasn"t only that a faint threatening memory had wakened; she was walking towards someone"s home. She"d be arrested! Christ, what was she planning to do? But her feet ignored her, and her body carried her squirming inwardly towards its goal.
Hedges pressed close to her; leafy fists poked at her face. She slithered on the gra.s.sy path that led her away from the road; she saved herself from falling, but the hedge snapped and threshed. Someone would hear her and call the police! But that fear was almost comforting-for it distracted her from the realization that the place towards which she was heading was very much unlike anybody"s home.
At a gap in the hedge she halted. Surely she wasn"t going-But she forced her way through the creaking gap, into a wider s.p.a.ce. Trees stooped over her, chattering their leaves; infrequent shards of moonlight floated on the clouds. She stumbled along what might be a path. After a while she left it and picked her way blindly over mounds, past vertical slabs that sc.r.a.ped her legs; once she knocked over what seemed to be a stone vase, which toppled heavily onto earth.
Dark blocks loomed ahead. One of them was an unlit house; she must be returning towards the road. Was there a window dim as the clouds, and a head peering out at her? This glimpse prevented her from noticing the nearer block until she was almost there. It was a shed that smelled of old damp wood, and her hand was groping for the doork.n.o.b.
No. No, she wasn"t going in there. Not when the tics of moonlight showed her the unkempt mounds, some of them gaping-But her body was an automaton; she was tiny and helpless within it. Her hand dragged open the scaly door, her feet carried her within. At least please leave the door open, please-But except for trembling, her hand ignored her. It reached behind her and shut her in the dark of the graveyard shed.
It must be a dream. No shed could contain such featureless dark. She couldn"t move to explore, even if she had dared; her body was stopped, switched off, waiting. Wasn"t that nightmarish enough to be a dream? Couldn"t the same be said of the slow footsteps that came stumbling across the violated graveyard, towards the shed?
She must turn; she must see what had opened the door and was standing there silently. But fear or compulsion held her still as a doll. Timid moonlight outlined a low table before her, over which most of the shadow of a head and shoulders was folded, deformed. Then the dark slammed closed around her.
Three paces had taken her into the shed; no more than three would find her. She heard the shuffling feet advance: one pace, two-and fingers clumsy as claws dragged at her hair. They reached for her shoulders. Deep in her a tiny shriek was choking. The hands, which were very cold, lifted her arms. As she stood like a shivering cross in the dark, the hands clutched her b.r.e.a.s.t.s.
When they fumbled to unb.u.t.ton her dress her mind refused to believe; it backed away and hid in a corner, muttering: a dream, a dream. Her b.r.e.a.s.t.s were naked beneath the dress. The fingers, cold as the soil through which she"d stumbled, rolled her nipples roughly, as though to rub them to dust. Her mind, eager to distract her, was reminded of crumbling cannabis onto tobacco. When at last her nipples came erect they seemed distant, no part of her at all.
The hands pushed her back against the table. They pulled her own hands down to grip the table"s edge, and spread her legs. She might have been a s.e.x doll: she felt she was merely an audience to the antics of her puppet body. When the hands bared her genitals the sensation was less convincing than a dream.
She felt the p.e.n.i.s enter her. It seemed unnaturally slippery, and quite large. Her observations were wholly disinterested, even when the fingers teased out her c.l.i.toris. The thrusting of the p.e.n.i.s meant as little to her as the pounding of a distant drum. The grotesqueness of her situation had allowed her to retreat into a lonely bleak untroubled place in her mind.
She felt the rhythm quicken, and the eventual spurting, without having experienced even the hint of an o.r.g.a.s.m; but then, she rarely did. The familiar dissatisfaction was oddly rea.s.suring. Only the nervous gasping of her partner, a gulping as though he"d been robbed of breath, was new.
As soon as he"d finished he withdrew. He shoved her away, discarded. Her hands sprang up to ward off the clammy planks of the walls, but touched nothing. Of course she mightn"t, in a dream. She teetered giddily, unprepared to have regained control of her body, and glimpsed the abruptly open doorway, a bow-legged figure stumbling out; its vague face looked fat and hirsute as moldy food. It s.n.a.t.c.hed the door closed as it went.
Perhaps she was imprisoned. But her mind could accept no more; if she were trapped, there was nothing it could do. She dressed blindly, mechanically; the b.u.t.tons felt swollen, pebble-thick. The door was not locked. Yes, she was surrounded by a graveyard. Her numbed mind let her walk: no reason why she shouldn"t go home. She trudged back to the deserted main road, through the flooded underpa.s.s. The moon had pa.s.sed over; the side streets were dark valleys. Perhaps once she reached her bed her dream would merge with blank sleep. When she slumped fully clothed on the blankets, oblivion took her at once.
When she woke she knew at once where she had been.
In her dream, of course. Understandably, the dream had troubled her sleep; on waking she found that she"d slept all day, exhausted. She would have preferred her deserted house not to have been so dark. The sky grew pale with indirect moonlight; against it, roofs blackened. In the emptiness, the creak of her bed was feverishly loud. At least she was sure that she had been dreaming, for Loveman was dead.
But why should she dream about him now? She searched among the dim unwieldy thoughts in her dusty mind. Her parents" death must be the reason. Of all her activities that would have shocked and distressed them had they known, they would have hated Loveman most. After their death she"d kept thinking that now she was free to do everything, without the threat of discovery-but that freedom had seemed meaningless. The thought must have lain dormant in her mind and borne the dream.
Remembering her parents hollowed out the house. She"d felt so small and abandoned during her first nights with the emptiness; she hadn"t realized how much she"d relied on their presence. For the first time she"d taken drugs other than for pleasure, in a desperate search for sleep. No doubt that explained why she slept so irregularly now.
She hurried out, not bothering to switch on the lights; she knew the house too well. It wasn"t haunted: just dead, cold, a tomb. She fled its dereliction, towards the main road. The light and s.p.a.ciousness might be welcoming.
Terraces pa.s.sed, so familiar as to be invisible. Thoughts of Loveman blinded her; she walked automatically. G.o.d, if her parents had found out she"d been mixed up in black magic! Not that her involvement had been very profound. She"d heard that he called his women to him, whether or not they were willing, by molding dolls of them. The women must have been unbalanced and cowed by the power of his undeniably hypnotic eyes. But he hadn"t needed to overpower her in order to have her-n.o.body had. He"d satisfied her no more than any other man. So much for black magic!
Then-so she"d gathered from friends-his black magic had been terminated by a black joke. He had been knocked down on the main road, by a car whose driver was a nurse and a devout Christian, no less. Even for G.o.d, that seemed a mysterious way to move. Had that happened before her parents" death or after? Her memories were loose and imprecise. Her jagged sleep must have blurred them.
And the rest of her dream-Just a nightmare, just exaggeration. Yes, he had lived in that private road and yes, there had been a graveyard behind his house. No doubt he was buried there; her dream appeared to think so. Why should he be troubled? But she was, and was recalling the night when she"d gone to Loveman"s house only to meet him emerging from the graveyard. As he"d glanced sidelong at her he had looked shamefaced, aggressively self-righteous, secretly ecstatic. She hadn"t wanted to know what he had been doing; even less did she want to know now.
Here was the main road. Its lights ought to sear away her dream. But it remained, looming at the back of her mind, a presence she was never quick enough to glimpse. Cars sang by; the curtains of the detached houses shone. There was one way she might rid herself of the dream. She could take a stroll along Loveman"s road and oust the dream with reality.
But she could not. She reached the mouth of the underpa.s.s and found herself unable to move. The tiled entrance gaped, scribbled with several paints, like the doorway of a violated tomb. A compulsion planted too deep in her to be perceived or understood forbade her to advance a step nearer Loveman"s road.
Something had power over her. Details of her dream, and memories of Loveman, crowded ominously about her. Suppose the graveyard, which she"d never entered, were precisely as she"d dreamed it? A stray thought of sleepwalking made her flinch away from the cold tiled pa.s.sage, the muddy pool which flickered with ghosts of the dying lights.
All of a sudden, with vindictively dramatic timing, the road was bare of cars. The lit windows of the houses served only to exclude her. Abruptly she felt cold, perhaps more emotionally than physically, and shuddered. Across the carriageway, ranks of trees that sprouted from both pavements of the private road swayed together overhead, mocking prayer.
She was afraid to be alone. She could no more have returned to the empty house than she would have climbed into a coffin. Driveways confronted her, blocked by watchdog cars. Beyond the smug houses stood a library. She had been in there only once, to score some acid; books had never held her attention for long. But she fled to the building now, like a believer towards a church.
Indeed, there were churchy elements. Women paced quietly, handling romances as though they were missals, tutting at anyone who made a noise. Still, there were tables strewn with jumbled newspapers, old men covertly filling the crosswords, young girls giggling behind the shelves and sharing a surrept.i.tious cigarette. She could take refuge in here without being noticed, she could grow calm-except that as she entered, a shelf of books was waiting for her. _Black Magic. Grimoire. Truth About Witchcraft.__ She flinched awkwardly aside.
People moved away from her, frowning. She was used to that; usually they"d glimpsed needle tracks on her arms. She pulled her sleeves down over her hands. n.o.body could stop her sitting down-but there was no s.p.a.ce: old men sat at all the tables, doodling, growling at the newspapers and at each other.
No: there was one almost uninhabited table, screened from the librarian"s view by bookcases. A scrawny young man sat there, dwarfed by his thick shabby overcoat; a wool cap covered his hair. He was reading a science fiction novel. He fingered the pages, rather as though picking at a dull meal.
When she sat down he glanced up, but with no more interest than he would have shown had someone dumped an old coat on her chair. His limp hands riffled the pages, and she caught sight of the needle tracks on his forearm. So that was why this table was avoided. Perhaps he was holding stuff, but she didn"t want any; she felt no craving, only vague depression at being thus reminded of the days when she had been on the needle.
But the marks held her gaze, and he glanced more sharply. "All right?" he said, in a voice so bored that the words slumped into each other, blurring.
"Yes thanks." Perhaps she didn"t sound so convincing; her fears hovered just behind her. "Yes, I think so," she said, trying to clarify the truth: his stare lay heavily on her, and she felt questioned, though no doubt he simply couldn"t be bothered to look away. "I"ve just been walking. I wanted to sit down," she said, unable to admit more.
"Right." His fingers obsessively rubbed the corner of a page, which grew tattered and grubby. She must be annoying him. "I"m sorry," she said, feeling rebuffed and lonely. "You want to read."
The librarian came and stood near them, disapproving. Eventually, when he could find nothing of which to accuse them, he stalked away to harangue an old man who was finishing a crossword. "What"s this, eh, what"s this? You can"t do that here, you know."
"I"m not reading," the young man said. He might have been, but was perversely determined now to antagonize the librarian. "Go on. You were walking. Alone, were you?"