Ungrateful witch. She already had the subnuclear microscope, half a dozen telescopes that used frequencies ranging from 2.7 degrees absolute up to X-ray, and the ma.s.s detector, and a couple of hundred little tractors covered with sensors roaming the Earth, the Moon, Mercury, t.i.tan, Pluto. I found her attempts to manipulate me amusing. I liked Baby ... and saw no special significance in the fact.

Corey, jumpy with the way the money kept disappearing, suggested extortion: hold back on any more equipment until Baby started answering questions. We talked him out of it. We talked Baby into giving television interviews, via the little sensor-carrying tractors, and into going on a quiz show. The publicity let us sell more stock. We were able to keep going.

Baby redesigned the chirps" instantaneous communications device for Earth-built equipment. We manufactured the device and sold a fair number, and we put one on a telescope and fired it into the cometary halo, free of the distortions from Sol"s gravity. And we waited.

"I haven"t forgotten any of your questions. There is no need to repeat them," Baby told us petulantly.

"These questions regarding human sociology are the most difficult of all, but I"m gathering huge amounts of data. Soon I will know everything there is to know about the behavior of the universe. Insufficient data. Wait."

We waited.

One day Baby stopped talking.

We found nothing wrong with the voice link or with Baby"s brain itself; though her mental activity had dropped drastically. We got desperate enough to try cutting off some of her senses. Then all of them. Nothing.

We sent them scrambled data. Nothing.

We talked into the microphone, telling Baby that we were near bankruptcy, telling her that she would almost certainly be broken up for spare parts. We threatened. We begged. Baby wouldn"t answer. It was as if she had gone away.

I went back to the Draco Tavern. I had to fire one of the bartenders and take his place; I couldn"t afford to pay his salary.

One night I told the story to a group of Chirpsithra.

They chittered at each other. One said, "I know this Sthochtil. She is a great practical joker. A pity you were the victim."

"I still don"t get the punch line," I said bitterly.

"Long, long ago we build many intelligent computers, some mechanical, some partly biological. Our ancestors must have thought they were doing something wrong. Ultimately they realized that they had made no mistakes. A sufficiently intelligent being will look about her, solve all questions, then cease activity."

"Why? Boredom?"

"We may speculate. A computer thinks fast. It may live a thousand years in what we consider a day, yet a day holds only just so many events. There must be sensory deprivation and nearly total reliance on internal resources. An intelligent being would not fear death or non-being, which are inevitable. Once your computer has solved all questions, why should it not turn itself off?" She rubbed her thumbs across metal contacts. Sparks leapt. "Ssss ... We may speculate, but to what purpose? If we knew why they turn themselves off, we might do the same."

THE GREEN MARAUDER.

I was tending bar alone that night. The Chirpsithra interstellar liner had left Earth four days earlier, taking most of my customers. The Draco Tavern was nearly empty. was tending bar alone that night. The Chirpsithra interstellar liner had left Earth four days earlier, taking most of my customers. The Draco Tavern was nearly empty.

The man at the bar was drinking gin and tonic. Two Glig-gray and compact beings, wearing furs in three tones of green-were at a table with a Chirpsithra guide. They drank vodka and consomme, no ice, no flavorings. Four farsilshree had their bulky, heavy environment tanks crowded around a bigger table. They smoked smoldering yellow paste through tubes. Every so often I got them another jar of paste.

The man was talkative. I got the idea he was trying to interview the bartender and owner of Earth"s foremost multispecies tavern.

"Hey, not me," he protested. "I"m not a reporter. I"m Greg Noyes, with the Scientific American Scientific American television show." television show."

"Didn"t I see you trying to interview the Glig, earlier tonight?"

"Guilty. We"re doing a show on the formation of life on Earth. I thought maybe I could check a few things. The Gligst.i.th(click)optok-" He said that slowly, but got it right. "-have their own little empire out there, don"t they? Earthlike worlds, a couple of hundred. They must know quite a lot about how a world forms an oxygenating atmosphere." He was careful with those pollysyllabic words. Not quite sober, then.

"That doesn"t mean they want to waste an evening lecturing the natives."

He nodded. "They didn"t know anyway. Architects on vacation. They got me talking about my home life. I don"t know how they managed that." He pushed his drink away. "I"d better switch to espresso. Why would a thing that shape be interested in my s.e.x life? And they kept asking me about territorial imperatives-" He stopped, then turned to see what I was staring at.

Three Chirpsithra were just coming in. One was in a floating couch with life-support equipment attached.

"I thought they all looked alike," he said.

I said, "I"ve had Chirpsithra in here for close to thirty years, but I can"t tell them apart. They"re all perfect physical specimens, after all, by their own standards. I never saw one like that that."

I gave him his espresso, then put three sparkers on a tray and went to the Chirpsithra table.

Two were exactly like any other Chirpsithra: eleven feet tall, dressed in pouched belts and their own salmon-colored exoskeletons, and very much at their ease. The chirps claim to have settled the entire galaxy long ago-meaning the useful planets, the tidally locked oxygen worlds that happen to circle close around cool red-dwarf suns-and they act like the reigning queens of wherever they happen to be. But the two seemed to defer to the third. She was a foot shorter than they were. Her exoskeleton was as clearly artificial as dentures: alloplastic bone worn on the outside. Tubes ran under the edges from the equipment in her floating couch. Her skin between the plates was more gray than red. Her head turned slowly as I came up. She studied me, bright-eyed with interest.

I asked, "Sparkers?" as if Chirpsithra ever ordered anything else.

One of the others said, "Yes. Serve the ethanol mix of your choice to yourself and the other native. Will you join us?"

I waved Noyes over, and he came at the jump. He pulled up one of the high chairs I keep around to put a human face on a level with a Chirpsithra"s. I went for another espresso and a scotch and soda and (catching a soft imperative hoot from the farsilshree) a jar of yellow paste. When I returned they were deep in conversation.

"Rick Schumann," Noyes cried, "meet Ftaxanthir and Hrofilliss and Chorrikst. Chorrikst tells me she"s nearly two billion years old!"

I heard the doubt beneath his delight. The Chirpsithra could be the greatest liars in the universe, and how would we ever know? Earth didn"t even have interstellar probes when the chirps came.

Chorrikst spoke slowly, in a throaty whisper, but her translator box was standard: voice a little flat, p.r.o.nunciation perfect. "I have circled the galaxy numberless times, and taped the tales of my travels for funds to feed my wanderl.u.s.t. Much of my life has been spent at the edge of lightspeed, under relativistic time-compression. So you see, I am not nearly so old as all that."

I pulled up another high chair. "You must have seen wonders beyond counting," I said. Thinking: My G.o.d, a short Chirpsithra! Maybe it"s true. She"s a different color, too, and her fingers are shorter. Maybe the species has actually changed since she was born! My G.o.d, a short Chirpsithra! Maybe it"s true. She"s a different color, too, and her fingers are shorter. Maybe the species has actually changed since she was born!

She nodded slowly. "Life never bores. Always there is change. In the time I have been gone, Saturn"s ring has been pulled into separate rings, making it even more magnificent. What can have done that? Tides from the moons? And Earth has changed beyond recognition."

Noyes spilled a little of his coffee. "You were here? When?"

"Earth"s air was methane and ammonia and oxides of nitrogen and carbon. The natives had sent messages across interstellar s.p.a.ce ... directing them toward yellow suns, of course, but one of our ships pa.s.sed through a beam, and so we established contact. We had to wear life support," she rattled on, while Noyes and I sat with our jaws hanging, "and the gear was less comfortable then. Our s.p.a.ceport was a floating platform, because quakes were frequent and violent. But it was worth it. Their cities-"

Noyes said, "Just a minute. Cities? We"ve never dug up any trace of, of nonhuman cities!"

Chorrikst looked at him. "After seven hundred and eighty million years, I should think not. Besides, they lived in the offsh.o.r.e shallows in an ocean that was already mildly salty. If the quakes spared them, their tools and their cities still deteriorated rapidly. Their lives were short too, but their memories were inherited. Death and change were accepted facts for them, more than for most intelligent species. Their works of philosophy gained great currency among my people, and spread to other species too."

Noyes wrestled with his instinct for tact and good manners, and won. "How? How could anything have evolved that far? The Earth didn"t even have an oxygen atmosphere! Life was just getting started, there weren"t even trilobites!"

"They had evolved for as long as you have," Chorrikst said with composure. "Life began on Earth one and a half billion years ago. There were organic chemicals in abundance, from pa.s.sage of lightning through the reducing atmosphere. Intelligence evolved, and presently built an impressive civilization. They lived slowly, of course. Their biochemistry was less energetic. Communication was difficult. They were not stupid, only slow. I visited Earth three times, and each time they had made more progress."

Almost against his will, Noyes asked, "What did they look like?"

"Small and soft and fragile, much more so than yourselves. I cannot say they were pretty, but I grew to like them. I would toast them according to your customs," she said. "They wrought beauty in their cities and beauty in their philosophies, and their works are in our libraries still. They will not be forgotten."

She touched her sparker, and so did her younger companions. Current flowed between her two claws, through her nervous system. She said, "Sssss ..."

I raised my gla.s.s, and nudged Noyes with my elbow. We drank to our predecessors. Noyes lowered his cup and asked, "What happened to them?"

"They sensed worldwide disaster coming," Chorrikst said, "and they prepared; but they thought it would be quakes. They built cities to float on the ocean surface, and lived in the undersides. They never noticed the green sc.u.m growing in certain tidal pools. By the time they knew the danger, the green sc.u.m was everywhere. It used photosynthesis to turn carbon dioxide into oxygen, and the raw oxygen killed whatever it touched, leaving fertilizer to feed the green sc.u.m.

"The world was dying when we learned of the problem. What could we do against a photosynthesis-using sc.u.m growing beneath a yellow-white star? There was nothing in Chirpsithra libraries that would help. We tried, of course, but we were unable to stop it. The sky had turned an admittedly lovely transparent blue, and the tide pools were green, and the offsh.o.r.e cities were crumbling before we gave up the fight. There was an attempt to transplant some of the natives to a suitable world; but biorhythm upset ruined their mating habits. I have not been back since, until now."

The depressing silence was broken by Chorrikst herself. "Well, the Earth is greatly changed, and of course your own evolution began with the green plague. I have heard tales of humanity from my companions. Would you tell me something of your lives?"

And we spoke of humankind, but I couldn"t seem to find much enthusiasm for it. The anaerobic life that survived the advent of photosynthesis includes gangrene and botulism and not much else. I wondered what Chorrikst would find when next she came, and whether she would have reason to toast our memory.

THE REAL THING.

If the IRS could see me now! Flying a light-sail craft, single-handed, two million miles out from a bluish-white dwarf star. Fiddling frantically with the shrouds, guided less by the instruments than by the thrust against my web hammock and the ripples in the tremendous, near-weightless mirror sail. Glancing into the sun without blinking, then at the stars without being night-blind, dipping near the sun without being fried; all due to the quick-adjusting goggles and temp-controlled skintight pressure suit the Chirpsithra had given me.

This entire trip was deductible, of course. The Draco Tavern had made me a good deal of money over the years, but I never could have paid for an interstellar voyage otherwise. As the owner of the Draco Tavern, Earth"s only multispecies bar, I was quite legitimately touring the stars to find new products for my alien customers.

Would Internal Revenue object to my actually enjoying myself?

I couldn"t make myself care. The trip out on the Chirpsithra liner: that alone was something I"d remember the rest of my life. This too, if I lived. Best not to distract myself with memories.

Hroyd System was cl.u.s.tered tightly around its small, hot sun. s.p.a.ce was thick with asteroids and planets and other sailing ships. Every so often some ma.s.sive piece of s.p.a.ce junk bombed the sun, or a storm would bubble up from beneath the photosphere, and my boat would surge under the pressure of the flare. I had to fiddle constantly with the shrouds.

The pointer was aimed at black s.p.a.ce. Where was that d.a.m.ned s.p.a.ceport? Huge and ma.s.sive it had seemed, too big to lose, when I spun out my frail silver sail and launched ... how long ago? The clock told me: twenty hours, though it didn"t feel that long.

The s.p.a.ceport was coin-shaped, spun for varying gravities. Maybe I was trying to see it edge-on? I tilted the sail to lose some velocity. The fat sun expanded. My mind felt the heat. If my suit failed, it would fail all at once, and I wouldn"t have long to curse my recklessness. Or-Even Chirpsithra-supplied equipment wouldn"t help me if I fell into the sun.

I looked outward in time to see a silver coin pa.s.s over me. Good enough. Tilt the sail forward, pick up some speed ... pull my orbit outward, slow down, don"t move the sail too fast or it"ll fold up! don"t move the sail too fast or it"ll fold up! Wait a bit, then tilt the sail to spill the light; drop a bit, wait again ... watch a black coin slide across the sun. Tilt to slow, tilt again to catch up. It was another two hours before I could pull into the s.p.a.ceport"s shadow, fold the sail, and let a tractor beam pull me in. Wait a bit, then tilt the sail to spill the light; drop a bit, wait again ... watch a black coin slide across the sun. Tilt to slow, tilt again to catch up. It was another two hours before I could pull into the s.p.a.ceport"s shadow, fold the sail, and let a tractor beam pull me in.

My legs were shaky as I descended the escalator to Level 6.

There was Earth gravity on 6, minus a few kilos, and also a multispecies restaurant bar. I was too tired to wonder about the domed boxes I saw on some of the tables. I wobbled over to a table, turned on the privacy bubble, and tapped tee tee hatch nex ool, tee tee hatch nex ool, carefully. That code was my life. A wrong character could broil me, freeze me, flatten me, or have me drinking liquid methane or breathing prussic acid. carefully. That code was my life. A wrong character could broil me, freeze me, flatten me, or have me drinking liquid methane or breathing prussic acid.

An Earthlike environment formed around me. I peeled off my equipment and sank into a web, sighing with relief. I still ached everywhere. What I really needed was sleep. But it had been glorious!

A warbling whistle caused me to look up. My translator said, "Sir or madam, what can I bring you?"

The bartender was a small, spindly Hroydan, and his environment suit glowed at dull-red heat.

I said, "Something alcoholic."

"Alcohol? What is your physiological type?"

"Tee tee hatch nex ool."

"Ah. May I recommend something? A liqueur, Opal Fire."

Considering the probable distance to the nearest gin and tonic ..." Fine. What proof is it?" I heard his translator skip a word, and amplified: "What percent ethyl alcohol?"

"Thirty-four, with no other metabolic poisons."

About seventy proof? "Over water ice, please."

He brought a clear gla.s.s bottle. The fluid within did indeed glitter like an opal. Its beauty was the first thing I noticed. Then, the taste, slightly tart, with an overtone that can"t be described in any human language. A crackling aftertaste, and a fire spreading through my nervous system.

I said, "That"s wonderful! wonderful! What about side effects?" What about side effects?"

"There are additives to compensate: thiamin and the like. You will feel no ugly aftereffects," the Hroydan a.s.sured me.

"They"d love it on Earth. Mmm ... what"s it cost?"

"Quite cheap. Twenty-nine Chirp notes per flagon. Transport costs would be up to the Chirpsithra. But I" m sure Chignthil Interstellar would sell specs for manufacture."

"This could pay for my whole trip." I jotted the names: Chirp characters for Opal Fire Opal Fire and and Chignthil Interstellar. Chignthil Interstellar. The stuff was still dancing through my nervous system. I drank again, so it could dance on my taste buds too. The stuff was still dancing through my nervous system. I drank again, so it could dance on my taste buds too.

To h.e.l.l with sleep; I was ready for another new experience. "These boxes-I see them on all the tables. What are they?"

"Full-sensory entertainment devices. Cost is six Chirp notes for use." He tapped keys and a list appeared: t.i.tles, I a.s.sumed, in alien script. "If you can"t read this, there is voice translation."

I dithered. Tempting; dangerous. But a couple of these might be worth taking back. Some of my customers can"t use anything I stock; they pay only cover charges. "How versatile is it? Your customers seem to have a lot of different sense organs. Hey, would this thing actually give me alien senses?"

The bartender signaled negative.

"The device acts on your central nervous system; I a.s.sume you have one? There at the top? Ah, good. It feeds you a story skeleton, but your own imagination puts you in context and fills in the background details. You live a programmed story, but largely in terms familiar to you. Mental damage is almost unheard of."

"Will I know it"s only an entertainment?"

"You might know from the advertis.e.m.e.nts. Shall I show you?" The Hroydan raised the metal dome on a many-jointed arm and poised it over my head. I felt the heat emanating from him. "Perhaps you would like to walk through an active volcano?" He tapped two b.u.t.tons with a black metal claw, and everything changed.

The Vollek merchant pulled the helmet away from my head. He had small, delicate-looking arms, and a stance like a tyrannosaur: torso horizontal, swung from the hips. A feathery down covered him, signaling his origin as a flightless bird.

"How did you like it?"

"Give me a minute." I looked about me. Afternoon sunlight spilled across the tables, illuminating alien shapes. The Draco Tavern was filling up. It was time I got back to tending bar. It had been nearly empty (I remembered) when I agreed to try this stunt.

I said, "That business at the end-?"

"We end all of the programs that way when we sell to Level Four civilizations. It prevents disorientation."

"Good idea." Whatever the reason, I didn"t feel at all confused. Still, it was a h.e.l.l of an experience. "I couldn"t tell it from the real thing."

"The advertis.e.m.e.nt would have alerted an experienced user."