"Honest, Mr. Robert," says I, "I never felt so much like a ham sandwich at a Chamber of Commerce banquet as I do right now. I"m beginnin" to suspect I"ve been miscast for the part."

"Nonsense!" says he soothin". "You appear to be getting along swimmingly. I"m sure I wouldn"t know how to hold a baby at all."

"You couldn"t know less"n I do about it at present writing," says I. "I don"t dare move, and both my legs are asleep from the knees down. Do me a favor and call for help, won"t you?"

"Oh, I say!" he calls out. "The starboard watch wants to be relieved."

So Vee comes back and pries the baby out of my grip.

"Isn"t he absurd!" says she. "But he will soon learn. All men are like that at first, I suppose."

"Hear that, Mr. Robert?" says I. "That"s what I call a sun-cured disposition."

She"d make a good animal-trainer, Vee; she"s so persistent and patient.

After dinner she jollies me into tryin" it again.

"You needn"t sit so rigid, you know," she coaches me. "Just relax naturally and let his little head rest easy in the hollow of your arm.

No, you don"t have to grab him with the other hand. Let him kick his legs if he wants to. See, he is looking up at you! Yes, I believe he is. Do you see Daddy? Do you, precious?"

"Must be some sight," I murmurs. "What am I supposed to do now?"

"Oh, you may rock him gently, if you like," says Vee. "And I don"t suppose he"d mind if you sang a bit."

"Wouldn"t that be takin" a mean advantage?" says I.

Vee laughs and goes off so I can practice alone, which was thoughtful of her.

I didn"t find it so bad this time. I discovers I can wiggle my toes occasionally without lettin" him crash on to the floor. And I begun to get used to lookin" at him at close range, too. His nose don"t seem quite so hopeless as it did. I shouldn"t wonder but what he"d grow a reg"lar nose there in time. And their little ears are cute, ain"t they?

But say, it was them big blue eyes that got me interested. First off they sort of wandered around the room aimless; but after a while they steadies down into gazin" at me sort of curious and admirin". I rather liked that.

"How about it, Snook.u.ms?" says I. "What do you think of your amateur daddy? Or are you wonderin" if your hair"ll be as red as mine? Don"t you care. There"s worse things in life than bein" bright on top. Eh? Think you"d like to get your fingers in it? Might burny-burn. Well, try it once, if you like." And I ducks my head so he can reach that wavin"

forelock of mine.

"Googly-goo!" remarks Sonny, indicatin" "most anything you"re a mind to call it.

Anyway, he seems to be entertained. We was gettin" acquainted fast.

Pretty soon he pulls a smile on me. Say, it"s the real thing in the smile line, too--confidential and chummy. I has to smile back.

"That"s the trick, Buster!" says I. "Friendly face motions is what wins."

"Goo-oogly-goo!" says he.

"True words!" says I. "I believe you."

We must have kept that up for near half an hour, until he shows signs of gettin" sleepy. Just before he drops off, though, he was wavin" one of his hands around, and the first thing I know them soft little pink fingers has circled about my thumb.

Say, that turned the trick--just that. Ever had a baby grip you that way? Your own, I mean? If you have, I expect you"ll know what I"m drivin" at. And if you ain"t--well, you got something comin" to you.

It"s a thing I couldn"t tell you about. It"s a gentle sort of thrill, that spreads and spreads until it gets "way inside of you--under your vest, on the left side.

When Vee finally comes in to see how we"re gettin" along, he"s snoozin"

calm and peaceful, with a sketchy smile kind of flickerin" on and off that rosebud mouth of his, like he was indulgin" in pleasant dreams.

Also, them little pink fingers was still wrapped around my thumb.

"Well, if you aren"t a picture, you two!" says Vee, bendin" over and whisperin" in my ear.

"This ain"t a pose," says I. "It"s the real thing."

"You mean----" begins Vee.

"I mean I"ve qualified," says I. "Maybe I didn"t show up so strong durin" the initiation, but I squeaked through. I"m a reg"lar daddy now.

See! He"s givin" me the inside brother grip--on my thumb. You can call Auntie in, if you like."

CHAPTER XVII

A LOW TACKLE BY TORCHY

What I like about livin" out in the forty-minute-if-you"re-lucky sector is that, once you get here, it"s so nice and quiet. You don"t have to worry, when you turn in at night, about manhole covers bein" blown through your front windows, or whether the bas.e.m.e.nt floor will drop into the subway, or if some gun gang is going to use your street for a shootin" gallery. All you do is douse the lights and feel sure nothin"s going to happen until breakfast.

We were talkin" something along this line the other evenin", Vee and me, sayin" how restful and soothin" these spring nights in the country was--you know, sort of handin" it to ourselves. And it couldn"t have been more"n two hours later that I"m routed rude out of the downy by the "phone bell. It"s buzzin" away frantic. I scrambles out and fits the receiver to my ear just in time to get the full benefit of the last half of a long ring.

"Ah, take your thumb off," I sings out to the night operator. "Who you think you"re callin"--the fire house or some doctor?"

"Here"s your party," I hears her remark cheerful, and then this other voice comes in.

Well, it"s Norton Plummer, that fussy little lawyer neighbor of ours who lives about half a mile the other side of the railroad. Since he"s been made chairman of the local Council of Defense and put me on as head of one of his committees, he"s rung me up frequent, generally at dinner-time, to ask if I have anything to report. Seems to think, just because I"m a reserve lieutenant on special detail, that I ought to be discoverin" spies and diggin" out plots every few minutes.

"Yes, yes," says I. "This is me. What then?"

"Did you read about that German naval officer who escaped from an internment camp last week?" he asks.

"But that was "way down in North Carolina or somewhere, wasn"t it?" says I.

"Perhaps," says Plummer. "But he isn"t there now. He"s here."

"Eh?" says I. "Where?"

"Prowling around my house," says Plummer. "That is, he was a few moments ago. My chauffeur saw him. So did I. He"s on his way down towards the trolley line now."

"Why didn"t you nab him?" I asks.

"Me?" says Plummer. "Why, he"s a huge fellow, and no doubt a desperate man. I presume he was after me: I don"t know."

"But how"d you come to spot him as a Hun officer?" says I.

"By the description I read," says he. "It fits perfectly. There"s no telling what he"s up to around here. And listen: I have telephoned to the Secret Service headquarters in town for them to send some men out in a machine. But they"ll be nearly an hour on the road, at best.