"So did I," Ray says. "Where were you?"

"Seventy-sixth Street."

"I was at Ninety-eighth. I knew it was crazy to think I might run into you at the fireworks."

A cardinal flies into the peach tree.

"I did run into Bobby last week," he says. "Of course, it"s not really running into him at one o"clock at Le Relais."

"How was Bobby?"

"You haven"t heard from him, either?"

"He called today, but he didn"t say how he was. I guess I didn"t ask."

"He was O.K. He looked good. You can hardly see the scar above his eyebrow where they took the st.i.tches. I imagine in a few weeks when it fades you won"t notice it at all."

"You think he"s done with dining in Harlem?"

"Doubt it. It could have happened anywhere, you know. People get mugged all over the place."

I hear the phone ringing and don"t get up. Ray squeezes my shoulder again. "Well," he says. "I"m going to bring some food out here."

"If there"s anything in there that isn"t the way it ought to be, just take care of it, will you?"

"What?" he says.

"I mean-If there"s anything wrong, just fix it."

He smiles. "Don"t tell me. You painted a room what you thought was a nice pastel color and it came out electric pink. Or the chairs-you didn"t have them reupholstered again, did you?" Ray comes back to where I"m sitting. "Oh, G.o.d," he says. "I was thinking the other night about how you"d had that horrible chintz you bought on Madison Avenue put onto the chairs and when John and I got back here you were afraid to let him into the house. G.o.d-that awful striped material. Remember John standing in back of the chair and putting his chin over the back and screaming, "I"m innocent!" Remember him doing that?" Ray"s eyes are about to water, the way they watered because he laughed so hard the day John did that. "That was about a year ago this month," he says.

I nod yes.

"Well," Ray says. "Everything"s going to be all right, and I don"t say that just because I want to believe in one nice thing. Bobby thinks the same thing. We agree about this. I keep talking about this, don"t I? I keep coming out to the house, like you"ve cracked up or something. You don"t want to keep hearing my sermons." Ray opens the screen door. "Anybody can take a trip," he says.

I stare at him.

"I"m getting lunch," he says. He is holding the door open with his foot. He moves his foot and goes into the house. The door slams behind him.

"Hey!" he calls out. "Want iced tea or something?"

The phone begins to ring.

"Want me to get it?" he says.

"No. Let it ring."

"Let it ring?" he hollers.

The cardinal flies out of the peach tree and onto the sweeping branch of a tall fir tree that borders the lawn-so many trees so close together that you can"t see the house on the other side. The bird becomes a speck of red and disappears.

"Hey, pretty lady!" Ray calls. "Where"s your mutt?"

Over the noise of the telephone, I can hear him knocking around in the kitchen. The stuck drawer opening.

"You honestly honestly want me not to answer the phone?" he calls. want me not to answer the phone?" he calls.

I look back at the house. Ray, balancing a tray, opens the door with one hand, and Hugo is beside him-not rushing out, the way he usually does to get through the door, but padding slowly, shaking himself out of sleep. He comes over and lies down next to me, blinking because his eyes are not yet accustomed to the sunlight.

Ray sits down with his plate of crackers and cheese and a beer. He looks at the tears streaming down my cheeks and shoves over close to me. He takes a big drink and puts the beer on the gra.s.s. He pushes the tray next to the beer can.

"Hey," Ray says. "Everything"s cool, O.K.? No right and no wrong. People do what they do. A neutral observer, and friend to all. Same easy advice from Ray all around. Our discretion a.s.sured." He pushes my hair gently off my wet cheeks. "It"s O.K.," he says softly, turning and cupping his hands over my forehead. "Just tell me what you"ve done."

Greenwich Time

"I"m thinking about frogs," Tom said to his secretary on the phone. "Tell them I"ll be in when I"ve come up with a serious approach to frogs."

"I don"t know what you"re talking about," she said.

"Doesn"t matter. I"m the idea man, you"re the message taker. Lucky you."

"Lucky you," his secretary said. "I"ve got to have two wisdom teeth pulled this afternoon."

"That"s awful," he said. "I"m sorry."

"Sorry enough to go with me?"

"I"ve got to think about frogs," he said. "Tell Metcalf I"m taking the day off to think about them, if he asks."

"The health plan here doesn"t cover dental work," she said.

Tom worked at an ad agency on Madison Avenue. This week, he was trying to think of a way to market soap shaped like frogs-soap imported from France. He had other things on his mind. He hung up and turned to the man who was waiting behind him to use the phone.

"Did you hear that?" Tom said.

"Do what?" the man said.

"Christ," Tom said. "Frog soap."

He walked away and went out to sit across the street from his favorite pizza restaurant. He read his horoscope in the paper (neutral), looked out the window of the coffee shop, and waited for the restaurant to open. At eleven-forty-five he crossed the street and ordered a slice of Sicilian pizza, with everything. He must have had a funny look on his face when he talked to the man behind the counter, because the man laughed and said, "You sure? Everything? You even look surprised yourself."

"I started out for work this morning and never made it there," Tom said. "After I wolf down a pizza I"m going to ask my ex-wife if my son can come back to live with me."

The man averted his eyes and pulled a tray out from under the counter. When Tom realized that he was making the man nervous, he sat down. When the pizza was ready, he went to the counter and got it, and ordered a large gla.s.s of milk. He caught the man behind the counter looking at him one more time-unfortunately, just as he gulped his milk too fast and it was running down his chin. He wiped his chin with a napkin, but even as he did so he was preoccupied, thinking about the rest of his day. He was heading for Amanda"s, in Greenwich, and, as usual, he felt a mixture of relief (she had married another man, but she had given him a key to the back door) and anxiety (Shelby, her husband, was polite to him but obviously did not like to see him often).

When he left the restaurant, he meant to get his car out of the garage and drive there immediately, to tell her that he wanted Ben-that somehow, in the confusion of the situation, he had lost Ben, and now he wanted him back. Instead, he found himself wandering around New York, to calm himself so that he could make a rational appeal. After an hour or so, he realized that he was becoming as interested in the city as a tourist-in the tall buildings; the mannequins with their pelvises thrust forward, almost touching the gla.s.s of the store windows; books piled into pyramids in bookstores. He pa.s.sed a pet store; its front window s.p.a.ce was full of shredded newspaper and sawdust. As he looked in, a teenage girl reached over the gate that blocked in the window area and lowered two brown puppies, one in each hand, into the sawdust. For a second, her eye met his, and she thrust one dog toward him with a smile. For a second, the dog"s eye also met his. Neither looked at him again; the dog burrowed into a pile of paper, and the girl turned and went back to work. When he and the girl caught each other"s attention, a few seconds before, he had been reminded of the moment, earlier in the week, when a very attractive prost.i.tute had approached him as he was walking past the Sheraton Centre. He had hesitated when she spoke to him, but only because her eyes were very bright-wide-set eyes, the eyebrows invisible under thick blond bangs. When he said no, she blinked and the brightness went away. He could not imagine how such a thing was physically possible; even a fish"s eye wouldn"t cloud over that quickly, in death. But the prost.i.tute"s eyes had gone dim in the second it took him to say no.

He detoured now to go to the movies: Singin" in the Rain. Singin" in the Rain. He left after Debbie Reynolds and Gene Kelly and Donald O"Connor danced onto the sofa and tipped it over. Still smiling about that, he went to a bar. When the bar started to fill up, he checked his watch and was surprised to see that people were getting off work. Drunk enough now to wish for rain, because rain would be fun, he walked to his apartment and took a shower, and then headed for the garage. There was a movie house next to the garage, and before he realized what he was doing he was watching He left after Debbie Reynolds and Gene Kelly and Donald O"Connor danced onto the sofa and tipped it over. Still smiling about that, he went to a bar. When the bar started to fill up, he checked his watch and was surprised to see that people were getting off work. Drunk enough now to wish for rain, because rain would be fun, he walked to his apartment and took a shower, and then headed for the garage. There was a movie house next to the garage, and before he realized what he was doing he was watching Invasion of the Body s.n.a.t.c.hers Invasion of the Body s.n.a.t.c.hers. He was shocked by the dog with the human head, not for the obvious reason but because it reminded him of the brown puppy he had seen earlier. It seemed an omen-a nightmare vision of what a dog would become when it was not wanted.

Six o"clock in the morning: Greenwich, Connecticut. The house is now Amanda"s, ever since her mother"s death. The ashes of Tom"s former mother-in-law are in a tin box on top of the mantel in the dining room. The box is sealed with wax. She has been dead for a year, and in that year Amanda has moved out of their apartment in New York, gotten a quickie divorce, remarried, and moved into the house in Greenwich. She has another life, and Tom feels that he should be careful in it. He puts the key she gave him into the lock and opens the door as gently as if he were disa.s.sembling a bomb. Her cat, Rocky, appears, and looks at him. Sometimes Rocky creeps around the house with him. Now, though, he jumps on the window seat as gently, as unnoticeably, as a feather blown across sand.

Tom looks around. She has painted the living-room walls white and the downstairs bathroom crimson. The beams in the dining room have been exposed; Tom met the carpenter once-a small, nervous Italian who must have wondered why people wanted to pare their houses down to the framework. In the front hall, Amanda has hung photographs of the wings of birds.

Driving out to Amanda"s, Tom smashed up his car. It was still drivable, but only because he found a tire iron in the trunk and used it to pry the bent metal of the left front fender away from the tire, so that the wheel could turn. The second he veered off the road (he must have dozed off for an instant), the thought came to him that Amanda would use the accident as a reason for not trusting him with Ben. While he worked with the tire iron, a man stopped his car and got out and gave him drunken advice. "Never buy a motorcycle," he said. "They spin out of control. You go with them-you don"t have a chance." Tom nodded. "Did you know Doug"s son?" the man asked. Tom said nothing. The man shook his head sadly and then went to the back of his car and opened the trunk. Tom watched him as he took flares out of his trunk and began to light them and place them in the road. The man came forward with several flares still in hand. He looked confused that he had so many. Then he lit the extras, one by one, and placed them in a semicircle around the front of the car, where Tom was working. Tom felt like some saint, in a shrine.

When the wheel was freed, he drove the car to Amanda"s, cursing himself for having skidded and slamming the car into somebody"s mailbox. When he got into the house, he snapped on the floodlight in the backyard, and then went into the kitchen to make some coffee before he looked at the damage again.

In the city, making a last stop before he finally got his car out of the garage, he had eaten eggs and bagels at an all-night deli. Now it seems to him that his teeth still ache from chewing. The hot coffee in his mouth feels good. The weak early sunlight, nearly out of reach of where he can move his chair and still be said to be sitting at the table, feels good where it strikes him on one shoulder. When his teeth don"t ache, he begins to notice that he feels nothing in his mouth; where the sun strikes him, he can feel the wool of his sweater warming him the way a sweater is supposed to, even without sun shining on it. The sweater was a Christmas present from his son. She, of course, picked it out and wrapped it: a box enclosed in shiny white paper, crayoned on by Ben. "B E N," in big letters. Scribbles that looked like the wings of birds.

Amanda and Shelby and Ben are upstairs. Through the doorway he can see a digital clock on the mantel in the next room, on the other side from the box of ashes. At seven, the alarm will go off and Shelby will come downstairs, his gray hair, in the sharpening morning light, looking like one of those cheap abalone lights they sell at the seash.o.r.e. He will stumble around, look down to make sure his fly is closed; he will drink coffee from one of Amanda"s mother"s bone-china cups, which he holds in the palms of his hands. His hands are so big that you have to look to see that he is cradling a cup, that he is not gulping coffee from his hands the way you would drink water from a stream.

Once, when Shelby was leaving at eight o"clock to drive into the city, Amanda looked up from the dining-room table where the three of them had been having breakfast-having a friendly, normal time, Tom had thought-and said to Shelby, "Please don"t leave me alone with him." Shelby looked perplexed and embarra.s.sed when she got up and followed him into the kitchen. "Who gave him the key, sweetheart?" Shelby whispered. Tom looked through the doorway. Shelby"s hand was low on her hip-partly a joking s.e.xual gesture, partly a possessive one. "Don"t try to tell me there"s anything you"re afraid of," Shelby said.

Ben sleeps and sleeps. He often sleeps until ten or eleven. Up there in his bed, sunlight washing over him.

Tom looks again at the box with the ashes in it on the mantel. If there is another life, what if something goes wrong and he is reincarnated as a camel and Ben as a cloud and there is just no way for the two of them to get together? He wants Ben. He wants him now.

The alarm is ringing, so loud it sounds like a million madmen beating tin. Shelby"s feet on the floor. The sunlight shining a rectangle of light through the middle of the room. Shelby will walk through that patch of light as though it were a rug rolled out down the aisle of a church. Six months ago, seven, Tom went to Amanda and Shelby"s wedding.

Shelby is naked, and startled to see him. He stumbles, grabs his brown robe from his shoulder and puts it on, asking Tom what he"s doing there and saying good morning at the same time. "Every G.o.dd.a.m.n clock in the house is either two minutes slow or five minutes fast," Shelby says. He hops around on the cold tile in the kitchen, putting water on to boil, pulling his robe tighter around him. "I thought this floor would warm up in summer," Shelby says, sighing. He shifts his weight from one side to the other, the way a fighter warms up, chafing his big hands.

Amanda comes down. She is wearing a pair of jeans, rolled at the ankles, black high-heeled sandals, a black silk blouse. She stumbles like Shelby. She does not look happy to see Tom. She looks, and doesn"t say anything.

"I wanted to talk to you," Tom says. He sounds lame. An animal in a trap, trying to keep its eyes calm.

"I"m going into the city," she says. "Claudia"s having a cyst removed. It"s all a mess. I have to meet her there, at nine. I don"t feel like talking now. Let"s talk tonight. Come back tonight. Or stay today." Her hands through her auburn hair. She sits in a chair, accepts the coffee Shelby brings.

"More?" Shelby says to Tom. "You want something more?"

Amanda looks at Tom through the steam rising from her coffee cup. "I think that we are all dealing with this situation very well," she says. "I"m not sorry I gave you the key. Shelby and I discussed it, and we both felt that you should have access to the house. But in the back of my mind I a.s.sumed that you would use the key-I had in mind more... emergency situations."

"I didn"t sleep well last night," Shelby says. "Now I would like it if I didn"t feel that there was going to be a scene to start things off this morning."

Amanda sighs. She seems as perturbed with Shelby as she is with Tom. "And if I can say something without being jumped on," she says to Shelby, "because, yes, you told told me not to buy a Peugeot, and now the d.a.m.ned thing won"t run-as long as you"re here, Tom, it would be nice if you gave Inez a ride to the market." me not to buy a Peugeot, and now the d.a.m.ned thing won"t run-as long as you"re here, Tom, it would be nice if you gave Inez a ride to the market."

"We saw seven deer running through the woods yesterday," Shelby says.

"Oh, cut it out, Shelby," Amanda says.

"Your problems I"m trying to deal with, Amanda," Shelby says. "A little less of the rough tongue, don"t you think?"

Inez has pinned a sprig of phlox in her hair, and she walks as though she feels pretty. The first time Tom saw Inez, she was working in her sister"s garden-actually, standing in the garden in bare feet, with a long cotton skirt sweeping the ground. She was holding a basket heaped high with iris and daisies. She was nineteen years old and had just arrived in the United States. That year, she lived with her sister and her sister"s husband, Metcalf-his friend Metcalf, the craziest man at the ad agency. Metcalf began to study photography, just to take pictures of Inez. Finally his wife got jealous and asked Inez to leave. She had trouble finding a job, and Amanda liked her and felt sorry for her, and she persuaded Tom to have her come live with them, after she had Ben. Inez came, bringing boxes of pictures of herself, one suitcase, and a pet gerbil that died her first night in the house. All the next day, Inez cried, and Amanda put her arms around her. Inez always seemed like a member of the family, from the first.

By the edge of the pond where Tom is walking with Inez, there is a black dog, panting, staring up at a Frisbee. Its master raises the Frisbee, and the dog stares as though transfixed by a beam of light from heaven. The Frisbee flies, curves, and the dog has it as it dips down.

"I"m going to ask Amanda if Ben can come live with me," Tom says to Inez.

"She"ll never say yes," Inez says.

"What do you think Amanda would think if I kidnapped Ben?" Tom says.

"Ben"s adjusting," she says. "That"s a bad idea."

"You think I"m putting you on? I"d kidnap you with him."

"She"s not a bad person," Inez says. "You think about upsetting her too much. She has problems, too."

"Since when do you defend your cheap employer?"

His son has picked up a stick. The dog, in the distance, stares. The dog"s owner calls its name: "Sam!" The dog snaps his head around. He bounds through the gra.s.s, head raised, staring at the Frisbee.

"I should have gone to college," Inez says.

"College?" Tom says. The dog is running and running. "What would you have studied?"

Inez swoops down in back of Ben, picks him up and squeezes him. He struggles, as though he wants to be put down, but when Inez bends over he holds on to her. They come to where Tom parked the car, and Inez lowers Ben to the ground.

"Remember to stop at the market," Inez says. "I"ve got to get something for dinner."

"She"ll be full of sushi and Perrier. I"ll bet they don"t want dinner."

"You"ll want dinner," she says. "I should get something."

He drives to the market. When they pull into the parking lot, Ben goes into the store with Inez, instead of to the liquor store next door with him. Tom gets a bottle of cognac and pockets the change. The clerk raises his eyebrows and drops them several times, like Groucho Marx, as he slips a flyer into the bag, with a picture on the front showing a blue-green drink in a champagne gla.s.s.

"Inez and I have secrets," Ben says, while they are driving home. He is standing up to hug her around the neck from the back seat.

Ben is tired, and he taunts people when he is that way. Amanda does not think Ben should be condescended to: she reads him R. D. Laing, not fairy tales; she has him eat French food, and only indulges him by serving the sauce on the side. Amanda refused to send him to kindergarten. If she had, Tom believes, if he was around other children his age, he might get rid of some of his annoying mannerisms.

"For instance," Inez says, "I might get married."

"Who?" he says, so surprised that his hands feel cold on the wheel.

"A man who lives in town. You don"t know him."

"You"re dating someone?" he says.

He guns the car to get it up the driveway, which is slick with mud washed down by a lawn sprinkler. He steers hard, waiting for the instant when he will be able to feel that the car will make it. The car slithers a bit but then goes straight; they get to the top. He pulls onto the lawn, by the back door, leaving the way clear for Shelby and Amanda"s car to pull into the garage.

"It would make sense that if I"m thinking of marrying somebody I would have been out on a date with him," Inez says.

Inez has been with them since Ben was born, five years ago, and she has gestures and expressions now like Amanda"s-Amanda"s patient half-smile that lets him know she is half charmed and half at a loss that he is so unsophisticated. When Amanda divorced him, he went to Kennedy to pick her up when she returned, and her arms were loaded with pineapples as she came up the ramp. When he saw her, he gave her that same patient half-smile.

At eight, they aren"t back, and Inez is worried. At nine, they still aren"t back. "She did say something about a play yesterday," Inez whispers to Tom. Ben is playing with a puzzle in the other room. It is his bedtime-past it-and he has the concentration of Einstein. Inez goes into the room again, and he listens while she reasons with Ben. She is quieter than Amanda; she will get what she wants. Tom reads the newspaper from the market. It comes out once a week. There are articles about deer leaping across the road, lady artists who do batik who will give demonstrations at the library. He hears Ben running up the stairs, chased by Inez.