The Real Dope.

by Ring Lardner.

CHAPTER I

AND MANY A STORMY WIND SHALL BLOW

_On the Ship Board, Jan. 15._

FRIEND AL: Well Al I suppose it is kind of foolish to be writeing you a letter now when they won"t be no chance to mail it till we get across the old pond but still and all a man has got to do something to keep themself busy and I know you will be glad to hear all about our trip so I might as well write you a letter when ever I get a chance and I can mail them to you all at once when we get across the old pond and you will think I have wrote a book or something.

Jokeing a side Al you are lucky to have an old pal thats going to see all the fun and write to you about it because its a different thing haveing a person write to you about what they see themself then getting the dope out of a newspaper or something because you will know that what I tell you is the real dope that I seen myself where if you read it in a newspaper you know its guest work because in the 1st. place they don"t leave the reporters get nowheres near the front and besides that they wouldn"t go there if they had a leave because they would be to scared like the baseball reporters that sets a mile from the game because they haven"t got the nerve to get down on the field where a man could take a punch at them and even when they are a mile away with a screen in front of them they duck when somebody hits a pop foul.

Well Al it is against the rules to tell you when we left the old U. S. or where we come away from because the pro German spy might get a hold of a man"s letter some way and then it would be good night because he would send a telegram to where the submarines is located at and they wouldn"t send no 1 or 2 submarines after us but the whole German navy would get after us because they would figure that if they ever got us it would be a rich hall.

When I say that Al I don"t mean it to sound like I was swell headed or something and I don"t mean it would be a rich hall because I am on board or nothing like that but you would know what I am getting at if you seen the bunch we are takeing across.

In the 1st. place Al this is a different kind of a trip then the time I went around the world with the 2 ball clubs because then it was just the 1 boat load and only for two or 3 of the boys on board it wouldn"t of made no difference if the boat had of turned a turtle only to pave the whole bottom of the ocean with ivory. But this time Al we have got not only 1 boat load but we got four boat loads of soldiers alone and that is not all we have got. All together Al there is 10 boats in the parade and 6 of them is what they call the convoys and that means war ships that goes along to see that we get there safe on acct. of the submarines and four of them is what they call destroyers and they are little bits of shafers but they say they can go like he--ll when they get started and when a submarine pops up these little birds chases right after them and drops a death bomb on to them and if it ever hits them the capt. of the submarine can pick up what is left of his boat and stick a 2 cent stamp on it and mail it to the kaiser.

Jokeing a side I guess they"s no chance of a submarine getting fat off of us as long as these little birds is on watch so I don"t see why a man shouldn"t come right out and say when we left and from where we come from but if they didn"t have some kind of rules they"s a lot of guys that wouldn"t know no better then write to Van Hinburg or somebody and tell them all they know but I guess at that they could use a post card.

Well Al we been at sea just two days and a lot of the boys has gave up the ghost all ready and pretty near everything else but I haven"t felt the least bit sick that is sea sick but I will own up I felt a little home sick just as we come out of the harbor and seen the G.o.dess of liberty standing up there maybe for the last time but don"t think for a minute Al that I am sorry I come and I only wish we was over there all ready and could get in to it and the only kick I got comeing so far is that we haven"t got no further then we are now on acct. that we didn"t do nothing the 1st. day only stall around like we was waiting for Connie Mack to waggle his score card or something.

But we will get there some time and when we do you can bet we will show them something and I am tickled to death I am going and if I lay down my life I will feel like it wasn"t throwed away for nothing like you would die of tyford fever or something.

Well I would of liked to of had Florrie and little Al come east and see me off but Florrie felt like she couldn"t afford to spend the money to make another long trip after making one long trip down to Texas and besides we wasn"t even supposed to tell our family where we was going to sail from but I notice they was a lot of women folks right down to the dock to bid us good by and I suppose they just guessed what was comeing off eh Al? Or maybe they was all strangers that just happened to be there but I"ll say I never seen so much kissing between strangers. Any way I and my family had our farewells out west and Florrie was got up like a fancy dress ball and I suppose if I die where she can tend the funeral she will come in pink tights or something.

Well Al I better not keep on talking about Florrie and little Al or I will do the baby act and any way its pretty near time for chow but I suppose you will wonder what am I talking about when I say chow. Well Al that"s the name we boys got up down to Camp Grant for stuff to eat and when we talk about food instead of saying food we say chow so that"s what I am getting at when I say its pretty near time for chow.

Your pal, JACK.

_On the Ship Board, Jan. 17._

FRIEND AL: Well Al here we are out somewheres in the middle of the old pond and I wished the trip was over not because I have been sea sick or anything but I can"t hardly wait to get over there and get in to it and besides they got us jammed in like a sardine or something and four of us in 1 state room and I don"t mind doubleing up with some good pal but a man can"t get no rest when they"s four trying to sleep in a room that wouldn"t be big enough for Nemo Liebold but I wouldn"t make no holler at that if they had of left us pick our own roomys but out of the four of us they"s one that looks like he must of bribed the jury or he wouldn"t be here and his name is Smith and another one"s name is Sam Hall and he has always got a grouch on and the other boy is O. K. only I would like him a whole lot better if he was about 1/2 his size but no he is as big as me only not put up like I am. His name is Lee and he pulls a lot of funny stuff like this A. M. he says they must of thought us four was a male quartette and they stuck us all in together so as we could get some close harmony. That"s what they call it when they hit them minors.

Well Al I always been use to sleeping with my feet in bed with me but you can"t do that in the bunk I have got because your knee would crack you in the jaw and knock you out and even if they was room to strech Hall keeps crabbing till you can"t rest and he keeps the room filled up with cigarette smoke and no air and you can"t open up the port hole or you would freeze to death so about the only chance I get to sleep is up in the parlor in a chair in the day time and you don"t no sooner set down when they got a life boat drill or something and for some reason another they have a role call every day and that means everybody has got to answer to their name to see if we are all on board just as if they was any other place to go.

When they give the signal for a life boat drill everybody has got to stick their life belt on and go to the boat where they have been given the number of it and even when everybody knows its a fake you got to show up just the same and yesterday they was one bird thats supposed to go in our life boat and he was sea sick and he didn"t show up so they went after him and one of the officers told him that wasn"t no excuse and what would he do if he was sea sick and the ship was realy sinking and he says he thought it was realy sinking ever since we started.

Well Al we got some crowd on the boat and they"s two French officers along with us that been giveing drills and etc. in one of the camps in the U. S.

and navy officers and gunners and a man would almost wish something would happen because I bet we would put up some battle.

Lee just come in and asked me who was I writeing to and I told him and he says I better be careful to not write nothing against anybody on the trip just as if I would. But any way I asked him why not and he says because all the mail would be opened and read by the censor so I said "Yes but he won"t see this because I won"t mail it till we get across the old pond and then I will mail all my letters at once."

So he said a man can"t do it that way because just before we hit land the censor will take all our mail off of us and read it and cut out whatever he don"t like and then mail it himself. So I didn"t know we had a censor along with us but Lee says we certainly have got one and he is up in the front ship and they call that the censor ship on acct. of him being on there.

Well Al I don"t care what he reads and what he don"t read because I am not the kind that spill anything about the trip that would hurt anybody or get them in bad. So he is welcome to read anything I write you might say.

This front ship is the slowest one of the whole four and how is that for fine judgment Al to put the slowest one ahead and this ship we are on is the fastest and they keep us behind instead of leaving us go up ahead and set the pace for them and no wonder we never get nowheres. Of course that ain"t the censor"s fault but if the old U. S. is in such a hurry to get men across the pond I should think they would use some judgment and its just like as if Hughey Jennings would stick Oscar Stanage or somebody ahead of Cobb in the batting order so as Cobb couldn"t make to many bases on a hit.

Well Al I will have to cut it out for now because its pretty near time for chow and that"s the name we got up out to Camp Grant for meals and now everybody in the army when they talk about food they call it chow.

Your pal, JACK.

_On the Ship Board, Jan. 19._

FRIEND AL: Well Al they have got a new nickname for me and now they call me Jack Tar and Bob Lee got it up and I will tell you how it come off. Last night was one rough bird and I guess pretty near everybody on the boat were sick and Lee says to me how was it that I stood the rough weather so good and it didn"t seem to effect me so I says it was probably on acct. of me going around the world that time with the two ball clubs and I was right at home on the water so he says "I guess we better call you Jack Tar."

So that"s how they come to call me Jack Tar and its a name they got for old sailors that"s been all their life on the water. So on acct. of my name being Jack it fits in pretty good.

Well a man can"t help from feeling sorry for the boys that have not been across the old pond before and can"t stand a little rough spell but it makes a man kind of proud to think the rough weather don"t effect you when pretty near everybody else feels like a churn or something the minute a drop of water splashes vs. the side of the boat but still a man can"t hardly help from laughing when they look at them.

Lee says he would of thought I would of enlisted in the navy on acct. of being such a good sailor. Well I would of Al if I had knew they needed men and I told Lee so and he said he thought the U. S. made a big mistake keeping it a secret that they did need men in the navy till all the good ones enlisted in the draft and then of course the navy had to take what they could get.

Well I guess I all ready told you that one of the boys in our room is named Freddie Smith and he don"t never say a word and I thought at 1st. it was because he was a kind of a b.u.m like Hall that didn"t know nothing and that"s why he didn"t say it but it seems the reason he don"t talk more is because he can"t talk English very good but he is a Frenchman and he was a waiter in the big French resturent in Milwaukee and now what do you think Al he is going to learn Lee and I French lessons and Lee fixed it up with him. We want to learn how to talk a little so when we get there we can make ourself understood and you remember I started studing French out to Camp Grant but the man down there didn"t know nothing about what he was talking about so I walked out on him but this bird won"t try and learn us grammer or how you spell it or nothing like that but just a few words so as we can order drinks and meals and etc. when we get a leave off some time. Tonight we are going to have our 1st. lesson and with a man like he to learn us we ought to pick it up quick.

Well old pal I will wind up for this time as I don"t feel very good on acct. of something I eat this noon and its a wonder a man can keep up at all where they got you in a stateroom jammed in like a sardine or something and Hall smokeing all the while like he was a freight engine pulling a freight train up grade or something.

Your pal, JACK.

_On the Ship Board, Jan. 20._

FRIEND AL: Just a line Al because I don"t feel like writeing as I was taken sick last night from something I eat and who wouldn"t be sick jammed in a room like a sardine.

I had a kind of a run in with Hall because he tried to kid me about being sick with some of his funny stuff but I told him where to head in. He started out by saying to Lee that Jack Tar looked like somebody had knocked the tar out of him and after a while he says "What"s the matter with the old salt tonight he don"t seem to have no pepper with him." So I told him to shut up.

Well we didn"t have no French lesson on acct. of me being taken sick but we are going to have a lesson tonight and pretty soon I am going up and try and eat something and I hope they don"t try and hand me no more of that canned beans or whatever it was that effected me and if Uncle Sam wants his boys to go over there and put up a battle he shouldn"t try and poison them first.

Your pal, JACK.

_On the Ship Board, Jan. 21._

FRIEND AL: Well Al I was talking to one of the sailors named Doran to-day and he says in a day or 2 more we would be right in the danger zone where all the subs hangs out and then would come the fun and we would probably all have to keep our clothes on all night and keep our life belts on and I asked him if they was much danger with all them convoys guarding us and he says the subs might fire a periscope right between two of the convoys and hit our ship and maybe the convoys might get them afterwards but then it would be to late.

He said the last time he come over with troops they was two subs got after this ship and they shot two periscopes at this ship and just missed it and they seem to be laying for this ship because its one of the biggest and fastest the U. S. has got.

Well I told Doran it wouldn"t bother me to keep my clothes on all night because I all ready been keeping them on all night because when you have got a state room like ours they"s only one place where they"s room for a man"s clothes and that"s on you.

Well old pal they"s a whole lot of difference between learning something from somebody that knows what they are talking about and visa versa. I and Lee and Smith got together in the room last night and we wasn"t at it more than an hour but I learned more then all the time I took lessons from that 4 flusher out to Camp Grant because Smith don"t waist no time with a lot of junk about grammer but I or Lee would ask him what was the French for so and so and he would tell us and we would write it down and say it over till we had it down pat and I bet we could pretty near order a meal now without no help from some of these smart alex that claims they can talk all the languages in the world.