CHAPTER VI.

Culchard makes a little Miscalculation.

SCENE.--_Garden of the Hotel Victoria at Bingen, commanding a view of the Rhine and the vine-terraced hills, which are bathed in warm afternoon sunlight. Under the mopheaded acacias_, CULCHARD _and_ PODBURY _are sitting smoking. At a little distance from them, are a Young Married Couple, whose honeymoon is apparently in its last quarter._

THE BRIDEGROOM (_lazily, to Bride, as she draws another chair towards her for a foot-rest_). How many _more_ chairs do you want?

BRIDE (_without looking at him_). I should think you could spare me one--you can hardly sit on three at once!

[_After this interchange of amenities, they consider themselves absolved from any further conversational efforts._

PODB. (_to_ CULCH., _resuming a discussion_). I know as well as you do that we are booked for Nuremberg; but what _I_ say is--that"s no earthly reason why we should _go_ there!

CULCH. No reason why _you_ should go, unless you wish it, certainly. _I_ intend to go.

PODB. Well, it"s beastly selfish, that"s all! I know _why_ you"re so keen about it, too. Because the Trotters are going.

CULCH. (_colouring_). That"s an entire mistake on your part. Miss Trotter has nothing to do with it. I don"t even know whether she"s going or not--for certain.

PODB. No, but you"ve a pretty good idea that she _is_, though. And I _know_ how it will be. You"ll be going about with her all the time, and I shall be shunted on to the old man! I don"t _see_ it, you know!

(CULCH. _remains silent. A pause._ PODBURY _suddenly begins to search his pockets._) I say--here"s a pretty fix! Look here, old fellow, doosid annoying thing, but I can"t find my purse--must have lost it somewhere!

CULCH. (_stoically_). I can"t say I"m surprised to hear it. It"s awkward, certainly. I suppose I shall have to lend you enough to go home with--it"s all I can do; but I"ll do that with--er--pleasure.

PODB. (_staring_). Go home? Why, I can wire to the governor for more, easily enough. We shall have to stay here till it comes, that"s all.

CULCH. And give up Nuremberg? Thank you!

PODB. I rather like this place, you know--sort of rest. And we could always nip over to Ems, or Homburg, if it got too slow, eh?

CULCH. If I nip over anywhere, I shall nip to Nuremberg. We may just as well understand one another, Podbury. If I"m to provide money for both of us, it"s only reasonable that you should be content to go where _I_ choose. I cannot, and will not, stand these perpetual interferences with our original plan; it"s sheer restlessness. Come with me to Nuremberg, and I shall be very happy to be your banker. Otherwise, you must stay here alone. [_He compresses his lips and crosses his legs._

PODB. Oh, _that"s_ it, is it? But look here, why not t.i.t up whether we go on or stay?

CULCH. Why should I "t.i.t up," as you call it, when I"ve already made up my mind to go? When I once decide on anything, it"s final.

THE BRIDE (_to Bridegroom, without enthusiasm_). Would you like me to roll you a cigarette?

BRIDEGROOM (_with the frankness of an open nature_). Not if I know it. I can do it better myself.

BRIDE (_coldly_). I see.

[_Another silence, at the end of which she rises and walks slowly away, pausing at the gate to see whether he intends to follow. As he does not appear to have remarked her absence, she walks on._

PODB. (_to_ CULCH., _in an undertone_). I say, those two don"t seem to hit it off exactly, eh? Seem sorry they came! You"ll be glad to hear, old fellow, that we needn"t separate after all. Just found my purse in my trouser-pocket!

CULCH. Better luck than you deserve. Didn"t I tell you you should have a special pocket for your money and coupons? Like this--see. (_He opens his coat_) With a b.u.t.toned flap, it stands to reason they _must_ be safe!

[Ill.u.s.tration: "GOOD HEAVENS, IT--IT"S GONE!"]

PODB. So long as you keep it b.u.t.toned, old chap,--which you don"t seem to do!

CULCH. (_annoyed_). Pshaw! The b.u.t.ton is a trifle too--(_feels pocket, and turns pale_). Good Heavens, it--it"s _gone_!

PODB. The b.u.t.ton?

CULCH. (_patting himself all over with shaking hands_).

Everything!--money, coupons, circular notes! They--they must have fallen out going up that infernal Niederwald. (_Angrily._) You _would_ insist on going!

PODB. Phew! The whole bag of tricks gone! You"re lucky if you get them again. Any number of tramps and beggars all the way up. Shouldn"t have taken off your coat--very careless of you! (_He grins._)

CULCH. It was so hot. I must go and inform the Police here--I may recover it yet. Anyway, we--we must push on to Nuremberg, and I"ll telegraph home for money to be sent here. You can let me have enough to get on with?

PODB. With all the pleasure in life, dear boy--on your own conditions, you know. I mean, if I pay the piper, I call the tune. Now, I don"t cotton to Nuremberg somehow; I"d rather go straight on to Constance; we could get some rowing there.

CULCH. (_pettishly_). Rowing be----(_recollecting his helplessness_).

No; but just consider, my dear Podbury. I a.s.sure you you"ll find Nuremberg a most delightful old place. You must see how bent I am on going there!

PODB. Oh, yes, I see _that_. But then I"m _not_, don"t you know--so there we are!

CULCH. (_desperately_). Well, I"ll--I"ll meet you half-way. I"ve no objection to--er--t.i.tting up with you--Nuremberg or Constance. Come?

PODB. You weren"t so anxious to t.i.t up just now--but never mind.

(_Producing a mark._) Now then, Emperor--Constance. Eagle--Nuremberg. Is it sudden death, or best out of three? [_He tosses._

CULCH. Sud----(_The coin falls with the Emperor uppermost._) Best out of three. [_He takes coin from_ PODBURY _and tosses._

PODB. Eagle! we"re even so far. (_He receives coin._) This settles it.

[_He tosses._

CULCH. (_triumphantly_). Eagle again! Now mind, Podbury, no going back after _this_. It must _be_ Nuremberg now.

PODB. All right! And now allow me to have the pleasure of restoring your pocket-book and note-case. They did fall out on the Niederwald, and it was a good job for you I was behind and saw them drop. You must really be careful, dear boy. Ain"t you going to say "ta" for them?

CULCH. (_relieved_). I"m--er--tremendously obliged. I really can"t say how.--(_Recollecting himself._) But you need not have taken advantage of it to try to do me out of going to Nuremberg--it was a shabby trick!

PODB. Oh, it was only to get a rise out of you. I never meant to keep you to it, of course. And I say, weren"t you sold, though? Didn"t I lead up to it beautifully? (_He chuckles._) Score to me, eh!

CULCH. (_with amiable sententiousness_). Ah, well, I don"t grudge you your little joke if it amuses you. Those laugh best who laugh last. And it"s settled now that we"re going to Nuremberg.

[MISS TROTTER _and her father have come out from the Speisesaal doors, and overhear the last speech._

MR. TROTTER (_to_ CULCHARD). Your friend been gettin" off a joke on you, Sir?

CULCH. Only in his own estimation, Mr. Trotter. I have nailed him down to going to Nuremberg, which, for many reasons, I was extremely anxious to visit. (_Carelessly._) Are we likely to be there when you are?