MR. T. Well, I don"t see how I should ever strike that fair for myself, and I guess if there"s anything to be seen we"re bound to _see_ it, so me and my darter--allow me to introduce my darter to you--Maud, this gentleman is Mr.--I don"t think I"ve caught your name, Sir--Podbury?--Mr. Podbury, who"s kindly volunteered to conduct us round.
MISS T. _I_ should have thought you"d want to leave the gentleman some say in the matter, father--not to mention me!
PODB. (_eagerly_). But won"t you come? Do. I shall be awfully glad if you will!
MISS T. If it makes you so glad as all that, I believe I"ll come. Though what you could say different, after Poppa had put it up so steep on you, _I_ don"t know. I"ll just go and fix myself first. [_She goes._
MR. T. (_to_ PODBURY). My only darter, Sir, and a real good girl. We come over from the States, crossed a month ago to-day, and seen a heap already. Been runnin" all over Scotland and England, and kind of looked round Ireland and Wales, and now what _we"ve_ got to do is to see as much as we can of Germany and Switzerland and It"ly, and get some idea of France before we start home this fall. I guess we"re both of us gettin" pretty considerable homesick already. My darter was sayin" to me on"y this evening at _table d"hote_, "Father," she sez, "the vurry first thing we"ll do when we get home is to go and hev a good square meal of creamed oysters and clams with buckwheat cakes and maple syrup." Don"t seem as if we _could_ git along without maple syrup _much_ longer.
(MISS TROTTER _returns._) You never mean going out without your gums?
[Ill.u.s.tration: "WANTED TO KNOW IF YOU WERE MY TUTOR!"]
[_He roars._
MISS T. I guess it"s not damp here--any. (_To_ PODBURY.) Now you"re going to be _Mary_, and father and I have got to be the little lambs and follow you around.
[_They go out, leaving_ CULCHARD _annoyed with himself and everybody else, and utterly unable to settle down to his sonnet again._
IN AN UPPER CORRIDOR TWO HOURS LATER.
CULCH. (_coming upon_ PODBURY). So you"ve got rid of your Americans at last, eh?
PODB. _I_ was in no hurry, I can tell you. She"s a ripping little girl--tremendous fun. What do you think she asked me about _you_?
CULCH. (_stiff, but flattered_). I wasn"t aware she had honoured me by her notice. What _was_ it?
PODB. Said you had a sort of schoolmaster look, and wanted to know if you were my tutor. My tutor! [_He roars._
CULCH. I hope you--ah--undeceived her?
PODB. Rather! Told her it was t"other way round, and I was looking after _you_. Said you were suffering from melancholia, but were not absolutely dangerous.
CULCH. If that"s your idea of a joke, all I can say is----
[_He chokes with rage._
PODB. (_innocently_). Why, my dear chap, I thought you wanted "em kept out of your way!
[CULCHARD _slams his bedroom door with temper, leaving_ PODBURY _outside, still chuckling._
CHAPTER III.
_Culchard comes out of his Sh.e.l.l._
SCENE--_On the Coach from Braine l"Alleud to Waterloo. The vehicle has a Belgian driver, but the conductor is a true-born Briton._ MR. CYRUS K. TROTTER _and his daughter are behind with_ PODBURY. CULCHARD, _who is not as yet sufficiently on speaking terms with his friend to ask for an introduction, is on the box-seat in front._
MR. TROTTER. How are you getting along, Maud? Your seat pretty comfortable?
MISS TROTTER. Well, I guess it would be about as luxurious if it hadn"t got a chunk of wood nailed down the middle--it"s not going to have any one confusing it with a bed of roses _just_ yet. (_To_ PODB.) Your friend mad about anything? He don"t seem to open his head more"n he"s obliged to. I presume he don"t approve of your taking up with me and father--he keeps away from us considerable, I notice.
PODB. (_awkwardly_). Oh--er--I wouldn"t say that, but he"s a queer kind of chap rather, takes prejudices into his head and all that. I wouldn"t trouble about him if I were you--not worth it, y" know.
MISS T. Thanks--but it isn"t going to shorten my existence any.
[CULCH. _overhears all this, with feelings that may be imagined._
BELGIAN DRIVER (_to his horses_). Pullep! Allez vite! Bom-bom-bom!
Alright!
CONDUCTOR (_to_ CULCHARD). "E"s very proud of "is English, _"e_ is.
"Ere, Jewls, ole feller, show the gen"lm"n "ow yer can do a swear.
(_Belgian Driver utters a string of English imprecations with the utmost fluency and good-nature._) "Ark at "im now! Bust my frogs! (_Admiringly, and not_ _without a sense of the appropriateness of the phrase._) But he"s a caution, Sir, ain"t he? _I_ taught him most o" what he knows!
A FRENCH Pa.s.sENGER (_to_ CONDUCTOR). Dis donc, mon ami, est-ce qu"on peut voir d"ici le champ de bataille?
COND. (_with proper pride_). It ain"t no use your torkin _to me_, Mossoo; I don"t speak no French myself. (_To_ CULCHARD.) See that field there, Sir?
CULCH. (_interested_). On the right? Yes; what happened _there_?
COND. Fine lot o" rabbits inside o" there--big fat "uns. (_To another Pa.s.senger._) No, Sir, that ain"t Belly Lions as you see from "ere; that"s Mon Sin Jeean, and over there Oogymong, and Challyroy to the left.
ON THE TOP OF THE MOUND.
CULCHARD, _who has purchased a map in the Waterloo Museum as a means of approaching_ MISS TROTTER, _is pounced upon by an elderly Belgian Guide in a blue blouse, from whom he finds it difficult to escape._
THE GUIDE (_fixing_ CULCHARD _with a pair of rheumy eyes and a gnarled forefinger_). You see vere is dat schmall voodt near de vite "ouse? not dere, along my shdeek--so. Dat is vare Peecton vas kill, Inglis Officer, Peecton. Two days pefore he was voundet in de ahum. "E say to his sairvan", "You dell ennipoddies, I keel you!" He vandt to pe in ze bataille: he _vas_ in ze bataille--seven lance troo "im, seven; Peecton, Inglis Officer. (CULCHARD _nods his head miserably._) Hah, you "ave de shart dere--open "im out vide, dat de odder shentilmans see. (CULCHARD _obeys, spell-bound._) Vare you see dat blue gross, Vaterloo Shirshe, vere Loart Uxbreedge lose "is laig. Zey cot "im off and pury him in ze cottyardt, and a villow grow oudt of "im. "E com "ere to see the villow growing oudt of his laig.
CULCH. (_abandoning his map, and edging towards_ MISS TROTTER). Hem--we are gazing upon one of the landmarks of our national history--Miss Trotter.
MISS T. That"s a vurry interesting re-mark. I presume you must have studied up some for a reflection of that kind. Mr. Podbury, your friend has been telling me----, [_She repeats_ CULCHARD"S _remark_.
PODB. (_with interest_). Got any _more_ of those, old fellow?
[CULCHARD _moves away with disgusted hauteur_.
THE GUIDE (_re-capturing him_). Along dat gross vay, Vellainton meet Blushair. Prussian general, Blushair. Vellainton "e com hier. I see "im.
Ven "e see ze maundt, "e vos vair angri. "E say, "Eet is no ze battle-fiel" no more--I com back nevare!" Zat aidge is vere de Scots Greys vas. Ven they dell Napoleon "oo zey are, "e say, "Fine mens--splendid mens, I feenish dem in von hour!" Soult "e say, "Ah, Sire, you do not know dose dairible grey "orses!" Napoleon "e _not_ know dem. Soult "e meet dem at de Peninsulaire--"_e_ know dem. In dat Shirsh, dventy, dirty dablets to Inglis officers. Napoleon "e coaled op "is laift vink, zey deploy in line, vair you see my shdeek--ha, ze shentelman is gone avay vonce more!
MISS T. (_to_ CULCHARD, _who has found himself unable to keep away_).
You don"t seem to find that old gentleman vurry good company?
CULCH. The fact is that I much prefer to receive my impressions of a scene like this in solitude.