CONTENT: Computer Transcript File #19031 Seq. #9 Personal Archive Emory II

2421: 3/4: 1945.

AE2: Base One, enter: Archive. Personal.

I think I ought to keep these notes. I feel a little strange doing it. My predecessor"s never told me to. But they archived everything I did up to a few years ago. I imagine everything on Base One gets archived. Maybe I should put my own notes in. Maybe someday that"ll be important. Because I think I am am important. important.

That sounds egotistical. But that"s all right. They wanted me to be.

I"m Ari Emory. I"m not the first but I"m not quite only the second either. We"ve got so much in common. Sometimes I hate my uncles for doing what they did to me-especially about maman. But if they hadn"t-I don"t know, I wouldn"t want to be different than I am. I wouldn"t want to not be me. I sure wouldn"t want to be other people I could name. Maybe the first Ari could say that too.

I know she would. I know it even if she never told me.

I"d say: That"s spooky.

She"d say: That"s d.a.m.ned dangerous.

And I know what she"d mean. I know exactly what she"d mean by that and why she"d worry about me-but I know some things she didn"t, like how I feel and whether the way I think about her is dangerous, or whether being a little different from her is dangerous. I"m pretty sure I"m all right, but I don"t know if I"m close enough to her to be as smart as she was or to take care of the things she left me, and I won"t know the things that made me smart enough until I"m good enough to look back on how they made me and say-they needed that. Or, they didn"t.

I"m riding about fifteen to twenty points above her scores in psych-at the same chronological age. And I"m two points ahead of her score two years from now. Same in most of my subjects. But that"s deceptive because I"ve had the benefits of the things she did and the way she worked, that everybody does now. That"s spooky too. But that"s the way it"d have to be, isn"t it? Tapes have gotten better, and they"ve tailored so much of this for me, specifically, off her strong points and weaknesses, it"s no wonder I"m going taster. But I can"t get smug about it, because there"s no guarantee on anything, and no guarantee I"ll stay ahead at any given point.

It"s spooky to know you"re an experiment, and to watch yourself work. There"s this boy out on Fargone, who"s like me. Someday I"m going to write to him and just say h.e.l.lo, Ben, this is Ari. I hope you"re all right.

Justin says they"re easier on him than on me. He says maybe they didn"t have to be so rough, but they couldn"t take chances with me, and when I"m grown maybe I can figure out what they really could have left out.

I said I thought that was d.a.m.ned dangerous, wasn"t it? Doing psych on yourself-is real dangerous, especially if you"re psych-trained. I"m always scared when I start thinking about how I work, because that"s an intervention, when you really know psych, but you don"t know enough yet. It"s like-my mind is so hard to keep aimed, it wants to go sideways and inside and everywhere- I told Justin that too. He said he understood. He said sometimes when you re young you have to think about things, because you"re forming your value-sets and you keep coming up with Data Insufficient and finding holes in your programs. So you keep trying to do a fix on your sets. And the more powerful your mind is and the more intense your concentration is, the worse damage you can do to yourself, which is why, Justin says, Alphas always have trouble and some of them go way off and out-there, and why almost all Alphas are eccentric. But he says the best thing you can do if you"re too bright for your own good is what the Testers do, be aware where you got which idea, keep a tab on everything know how your ideas link up with each other and with your deep-sets and value-sets, so when you"re forty or fifty or a hundred forty and you find something that doesn"t work, you can still find all the threads and pull them.

But that"s not real easy unless you know what your value-sets are, and most CITs don"t. CITs have a trouble with not wanting wanting to know that kind of thing. Because some of them are real eetee once you get to thinking about how they link. Especially about s.e.x and ego-nets. to know that kind of thing. Because some of them are real eetee once you get to thinking about how they link. Especially about s.e.x and ego-nets.

Justin says inflexibility is a trap and most Alpha types are inward-turned because they process so fast they"re gone and linking before a Gamma gets a sentence out. Then they get in the habit of thinking they thought of everything, but they don"t remember everything stems from input. You may have a new idea, but it stems stems from input somebody gave you, and that could be wrong or your senses could have been lying to you. He says it can be an equipment-quality problem or a program-quality problem, but once an Alpha takes a falsehood for true, it"s a personal problem. I like that. I wish I"d said it. from input somebody gave you, and that could be wrong or your senses could have been lying to you. He says it can be an equipment-quality problem or a program-quality problem, but once an Alpha takes a falsehood for true, it"s a personal problem. I like that. I wish I"d said it.

And once an Alpha stops re-a.n.a.lyzing his input and starts outputting only, he"s gone completely eetee. Which is why, Justin says, Alpha azi can"t be tape-trained past a certain point, because they don"t learn to a.n.a.lyze and question the flux-level input they get later, and when they socialize too late, they go more and more internal because things actually seem too fast and too random for them, exactly the opposite of the problem the socialized Alphas have-too fast, though, only because they"re processing like crazy trying to make more out of the input than"s really there, because they don"t understand there is is no system, at least there"s no micro-system, and they keep trying to make one out of the flux they don"t understand. Which is why some Alphas go dangerous and why you have trouble getting them to take help-tapes: some start flux-thinking on everything, and some just go schiz, de-structure their deep-sets and reconstruct their own, based on whatever comes intact out of the flux they"re getting. And after that you don"t know what they are. They become like CITs, only with some real strange logic areas. no system, at least there"s no micro-system, and they keep trying to make one out of the flux they don"t understand. Which is why some Alphas go dangerous and why you have trouble getting them to take help-tapes: some start flux-thinking on everything, and some just go schiz, de-structure their deep-sets and reconstruct their own, based on whatever comes intact out of the flux they"re getting. And after that you don"t know what they are. They become like CITs, only with some real strange logic areas.

Which is why they"re so hard to help.

I think Yanni is right about Justin. I think he"s awfully smart. I"ve asked my uncle Denys about him, about whether they don"t make him a Special because of politics; and Denys said he didn"t know whether Justin qualified, but the politics part was definitely true.

Ari, Denys said, I know you"re fond of him. If you are, do him and yourself a favor and don"t talk about him with anybody on staff-especially don"t mention him in Novgorod.

I said I thought that was rotten, it was just because of what his father did, and it wasn"t his fault any more than it was mine what my predecessor and his father were fighting about.

And then uncle Denys said something scary. He said: No. I"m telling you this for his sake. You think about it, Ari. He"s very bright. He"s possibly everything you say. Give him immunity and you give him power, Ari, and power is something he"d have to use. Think about it. You know Novgorod. You know the situation. And you know that Justin"s honest. Think about what power would do to him.

I did think then, just like a flash, like lightning going off at night, and you can see everything, all the buildings you know are there, but you forget-you forget about the details of things until the flash comes-and it"s gray and clearer than day in some ways. Like there could be color, but there"s not quite enough light. So you can see everything the way you can"t see it in daylight.

That"s what it is when somebody throws light on what you"ve got all the pieces of.

His father is at Planys.

That"s first.

Then there are all these other things-like him being my teacher. Like-we"re best friends. But it"s like Amy. Amy"s my best friend but Florian and Catlin. And we couldn"t get along till Amy knew I could beat her. Like she was going to have have to do something about me until she knew she couldn"t. Then we"re all right. to do something about me until she knew she couldn"t. Then we"re all right.

Power stuff. Ari was right about that too-about us being territorial as h.e.l.l, only territory is the wrong word. Territory is only something you can attach that idea to because we got used to the root concept when we were working with animals.

That"s what Ari called science making itself a semantic problem. Because if you think territoriality you don"t realize what you"re really anxious about. We"re not bettas.

The old Greeks talked about moira. Moira means lot lot in Greek. Like your share of things. And you can"t grab somebody else"s-that"s stealing; you can"t not do your own; that"s being a coward. But figuring out what yours is would be a b.i.t.c.h, except other people and other animals help you define what your edges are when they react back: if they don"t react back or they don"t react so you can understand them you get anxiety reactions and you react with the fight or flight bias your psychset gives you, whether you"re a human being or a betta. I got that from Sophocles. And Aristotle. And Amy Carnath and her bettas, because she"s the first CIT friend I ever had I worked that out with, and she breeds fighting fish. in Greek. Like your share of things. And you can"t grab somebody else"s-that"s stealing; you can"t not do your own; that"s being a coward. But figuring out what yours is would be a b.i.t.c.h, except other people and other animals help you define what your edges are when they react back: if they don"t react back or they don"t react so you can understand them you get anxiety reactions and you react with the fight or flight bias your psychset gives you, whether you"re a human being or a betta. I got that from Sophocles. And Aristotle. And Amy Carnath and her bettas, because she"s the first CIT friend I ever had I worked that out with, and she breeds fighting fish.

It"s not territory. It"s equilibrium. An equilibrated system has tensions in balance, like girders and trusses in a building.

Rigid systems are vulnerable. Ari said that. Equilibrated systems can flex under stress.

The old Greeks used to put flex in their buildings, moving joints, because they had earthquakes.

I"m leading up to something.

I think it has to do with me and Justin.

I don"t trust too much flex any more than too little. Too much and your wall goes down; too little and it breaks.

I"m saying this for the record. If I was talking to Justin or Yanni or uncle Denys I"d say: Non-looping paths don"t necessarily have to be macro-setted on an individual level.

Except then- -then you have to macro-set the social matrix, which you can do- -but the variables are real killers to work out-Justin"s proved that.

G.o.d, talking with yourself has some benefits.

That"s what Ari meant by macro-values. That"s what she was talking about. That"s how she could be so d.a.m.ned careless about the random inputs with her designs. They all feed into a single value: the flux always has to reset off the central sets. That"s what Justin was trying to explain to me: flux re-set functions. what Ari meant by macro-values. That"s what she was talking about. That"s how she could be so d.a.m.ned careless about the random inputs with her designs. They all feed into a single value: the flux always has to reset off the central sets. That"s what Justin was trying to explain to me: flux re-set functions.

Gehennans identify with their world. That"s the whole center of what Ari did with that design. And no flux-thinking can get at that.

But where does that go?

d.a.m.n! I wish I could tell it to Justin. . . .

Define: world. There"s the worm. G.o.d! It could be one, if you could guide that semantic mutation.

Pity we have to input words instead of numbers. Into a hormone-fluxed system.

Justin says.

Justin says semantics is always the problem; the more concrete a value you link the sets to, the better off your design is with the computers-but that"s not all of it. The link-point has to be a non-fluxing thing-Justin says- No! Not non-flux. Slow-flux. Flux relative or proportional to the rest of the flux in the sets-like a scissors-joint: everything can move without changing the structure, just the distance down the one axis- No. Not even that. If the flux on the macro-set has a time-lag of any kind you"re going to increase the adaptive flux in the micro-sets in any system. But if you could work out that relevancy in any kind of symbological matrix-then you can get a numerical value back.

Can"t you?

Doesn"t that do something with the Field Size problem? Isn"t that something like a log, if the internal change rates in the sets could be setted; and then- No, d.a.m.n, then your world is fine until it gets immigrants; and the first random inputs come in and give you someone who doesn"t share the same values- Immigration-on Gehenna- Could change the definition of world . world . . . couldn"t it? . . couldn"t it?

d.a.m.n, I wish I could ask Justin about these things. Maybe I know something. Even if I am sixteen. I know things I can"t tell anybody. Especially Justin. And they could be terribly dangerous.

But Gehenna"s quarantined. It"s safe-so far. I"ve got time. Don"t I?

Justin resents what I did, when I made him be my teacher. I know he does. He frowns a lot. Sometimes Grant looks worried about the situation. Grant"s mad at me too. He would be. Even if both of them try to be nice. And not just nice. They are are kind. Both. They"re just upset. Justin"s been arrested every time I got in trouble. A lot of things that weren"t fair at all. I know why they did it. Like what my uncles did to me. But they were never fair to him. kind. Both. They"re just upset. Justin"s been arrested every time I got in trouble. A lot of things that weren"t fair at all. I know why they did it. Like what my uncles did to me. But they were never fair to him.

So it"s not like I blame him for his mad. And he keeps it real well: I can respect that. I have one of my own that I"ll never forgive. Not really. He knows it"s not my fault about his father and all. He knows I"m not lying when I say he and Grant can both go see his father when all this political mess clears up, and I"ll help him every way I can.

But he"s still hurting about his father. Maman was clear away on Fargone and I never even heard from her again, but she was far away, out of reach, and after a while it didn"t hurt so awful much. His His father is on Cyteen, and they can talk, but that"s bad too, because you"d always have to be thinking about how close that is. And now they can"t even talk by phone and he"s worried about his father, I know he is. father is on Cyteen, and they can talk, but that"s bad too, because you"d always have to be thinking about how close that is. And now they can"t even talk by phone and he"s worried about his father, I know he is.

Then I go and tell him he"s going to give me his research, that he"s been working on with his father and he hopes could help his father-that"s something I did, me. People have been terrible to him all his life and everything he"s got he"s fought to have, and some kid comes in and wants everything he"s done-and I"m I"m the one who gets him in trouble- That"s my fault, I know it is, but I"ve got to have his stuff. It"s important. But I can"t tell him why and I can"t tell him what I want. So he just goes azi on me. That"s the only way I can describe it-just very cool and very proper. the one who gets him in trouble- That"s my fault, I know it is, but I"ve got to have his stuff. It"s important. But I can"t tell him why and I can"t tell him what I want. So he just goes azi on me. That"s the only way I can describe it-just very cool and very proper.

We work in his office mostly. He says he wants witnesses when he"s around me. The Warricks have had enough trouble, he says.

He gives me some real work, because he says I"m not bad, and I can do the frameworks. And then I catch him sometimes, because when I"m really, really doing my best, and especially when I come up with something all the way right, he forgets his mad for a second or two and he loosens up and something shines out of him, that"s a h.e.l.l of a precise description, isn"t it? But he gets interested in what we"re doing and the ice thaws a bit, and he"s just-all right with me. For about two or three minutes, until he remembers that everything he teaches me is going away from him and into me. And I think he thinks I"m going to rob him of everything. And I wish I could make him understand I"d like to help him.

Because I do. I hurt when he"s cold with me. It feels so good when he"s happy.

h.e.l.l if I can give him what"s mine, but I don"t need to take what"s his. And he"s a lot like me, everybody"s messed with his life.

If I could figure out something, if I could figure out something of Ari senior"s that I could could give him, maybe that would make it fair. Because I know so much, but I don"t know enough to make it worth anything. And maybe I"m sitting still with something I think is a real little piece, but that would be worth a lot to him. give him, maybe that would make it fair. Because I know so much, but I don"t know enough to make it worth anything. And maybe I"m sitting still with something I think is a real little piece, but that would be worth a lot to him.

Because, oh, he"s smart. I know, because when he tells me his reasons for what he does, he has a lot of trouble, because he just knows knows some of these things. He said once I"m making him structure his concepts. He said that"s good. Because we some of these things. He said once I"m making him structure his concepts. He said that"s good. Because we can can talk, sometimes Grant gets into it, and once, it was the best day we ever worked together, we all went to lunch and talked and talked about CIT and azi logic until I couldn"t sleep that night, I was still going on it. It was one of the best days I ever remember. And they were happy, and I was. But it sort of died away, then, and everything got back to normal, things just sort of got in the way and Justin came in kind of down, the way he does sometimes, and it was over. Like that. talk, sometimes Grant gets into it, and once, it was the best day we ever worked together, we all went to lunch and talked and talked about CIT and azi logic until I couldn"t sleep that night, I was still going on it. It was one of the best days I ever remember. And they were happy, and I was. But it sort of died away, then, and everything got back to normal, things just sort of got in the way and Justin came in kind of down, the way he does sometimes, and it was over. Like that.

I"m going to Get him one of these days, though. I"m going to Get both of them. And maybe this is it.

Maybe if I just run through everything I"ve got on this model thing, maybe it won"t work, I guess if it did someone would have thought of it- No, dammit, Ari, Justin said-I should never tell myself that.

Don"t cut ideas off, he says, till you know where they go.

If I could do something real, - real, - What would he do, -get mad, because then I"d be getting closer to what he"s working on, and he"d resent that?

Or get mad, because he"d want it all to be his idea?

Maybe he would.

But maybe he"d warm up to me and it could be the way it is sometimes-all the time. That"s what I wish. Because so much bad has happened. And I want to change that.

CHAPTER 12.

i There were new tapes. Maddy brought them. Maddy did the ordering of things like that, because her mother didn"t mind, and uncle Denys said that it would be a scandal if it were on her her account: which Maddy might have figured out, Maddy was not really stupid, but it pleased Maddy to be involved in intrigue and something she truly did best. account: which Maddy might have figured out, Maddy was not really stupid, but it pleased Maddy to be involved in intrigue and something she truly did best.

So that was a point Maddy got on her side. That kind of favor was something Maddy could use for blackmail, Ari thought, except there was no percentage in it. If Maddy ever wanted to use it in Novgorod, that was all right, she would be grown then and people would not see the sixteen-year-old-just a grown woman, who was, then, only like her predecessor-whose taste for such things was quietly known. Strange, Ari thought, how people were so little capable of being shocked in retrospect: old news, the proverb ran.

And Maddy could be free as she liked with s.e.x, because Maddy was just Maddy Stra.s.sen, and the Stra.s.sens had no power to frighten anyone-outside Reseune.

It was a quiet gathering. The Kids. Period. Mostly she just wanted to relax, and they sat around watching the tape quite, quite tranked, except Florian and Catlin, and drinking a little-except Florian and Catlin. Sam spilled a drink-he was terribly embarra.s.sed about it. But Catlin helped him mop up and took him to the back bedroom and helped him in another way, which was Catlin"s own idea, because Sam and Amy were having trouble.

G.o.d, life got complicated. Amy Amy had a fix on Stef Dietrich; and that was hopeless. Sam had one-well, on herself, Ari reckoned; and that was the trouble, that Amy got seconds on a lot of things in life. And Amy was interested in a lot of things Sam wasn"t. And vice versa. She wished to h.e.l.l Sam would find somebody. Anybody. had a fix on Stef Dietrich; and that was hopeless. Sam had one-well, on herself, Ari reckoned; and that was the trouble, that Amy got seconds on a lot of things in life. And Amy was interested in a lot of things Sam wasn"t. And vice versa. She wished to h.e.l.l Sam would find somebody. Anybody.

But he didn"t. And Sam was the main reason why she didn"t go off to the bedroom with Tommy or Stef or anyone who came to the apartment; but he wasn"t the only reason. The main one was what it had always been, the same reason that she was best friends with Amy and Sam and Maddy and kept everyone else at arm"s length-because Sam was always in the way to get hurt, there was no way to shut him out, nor was it fair, and yet- And yet- Of all the boys he was the only one who really liked just her, her, herself, from before he ever knew she was anybody. herself, from before he ever knew she was anybody.

And that made her sad sometimes, because all the others would be thinking about themselves and what it meant to them, and how she was a Special and she was rich and she was going to be Administrator someday, and making her happy was very, very important- Which was a lot different than Sam, who loved her, she thought, who really truly loved her. And she loved him-what time she was not frustrated that he existed, frustrated that he had to love her that that way, frustrated that he was the focus of all her other frustrations and never, ever, deserved them- way, frustrated that he was the focus of all her other frustrations and never, ever, deserved them- Because she would not sleep with Stef Dietrich if there never had been a Sam. That was still true.

For one thing it would kill Amy. Amy could stand to be beaten by Yvgenia, but not by her-in this. No matter that Amy was still gawky and awkward, and never worked worked at her appearance . . . until she took after Stef, and then it was almost pathetic. Amy, with eyeshadow. Amy, fussing with her hair, which was loose now, not in braids. After Stef, who was so d.a.m.ned handsome and so sure of it. at her appearance . . . until she took after Stef, and then it was almost pathetic. Amy, with eyeshadow. Amy, fussing with her hair, which was loose now, not in braids. After Stef, who was so d.a.m.ned handsome and so sure of it.

While Sam was a little at loose ends, not quite betrayed, but a lot at a loss. And if Stef had antennae for anything, he knew d.a.m.ned well he had better walk a narrow line between Yvgenia and Amy.

And it left her, herself, to watch the tapes and afterward, after Florian and Catlin had showed everyone out, to lie on the couch and stare at the ceiling in a melancholy not even they could relieve.

"Come to bed, sera," Florian said.

Worried about her.

Worried and absolutely devoted.

The ceiling hazed in her sight. If she blinked the tears would run and they would see them.

But the tears spilled anyway, just ran from the outside edge of her eye, so she blinked, it made no difference.

"Sera?" There was profound upset in Florian"s voice. He wiped her cheek, the merest feather-touch. And was certainly in pain.

Dammit. d.a.m.n him. d.a.m.n him for that reaction.

I"m smarter than Ari senior. At least I haven"t fouled up things with Sam and Amy. They"ve fouled it up with each other.

I don"t understand CITs. I really truly don"t understand CITs.

Azi are so much kinder.

And they they can"t help it. can"t help it.

"Sera." Florian patted her cheek, laid a hand on her shoulder. "Who hurt you?"

Shall we kill him? she imagined the next question. For some reason that struck her hysterically funny. She started laughing, laughing till she had to pull her legs up to save her stomach from aching, and the tears ran; and Florian held her hands and Catlin slid over the back of the couch to kneel by her and hold on to her. she imagined the next question. For some reason that struck her hysterically funny. She started laughing, laughing till she had to pull her legs up to save her stomach from aching, and the tears ran; and Florian held her hands and Catlin slid over the back of the couch to kneel by her and hold on to her.

Which only struck her funnier.

"I"m-I"m sorry," she gasped finally, when she could get a breath. Her stomach hurt. And they were so terribly confused. "Oh. I"m sorry." She reached and patted Florian"s shoulder, Catlin"s leg. "I"m sorry. I"m just tired, that"s all. That d.a.m.n report-"

"The report, report, sera?" Florian asked. sera?" Florian asked.