OUTSIDE.

_A crowd is staring stolidly at the gorgeously gilded and painted entrance, with an affectation of superior wisdom to that of the weaker-minded, who sneak apologetically up the steps from time to time. A tall-hatted orchestra have just finished a tune, and hung their brazen instruments up like joints on the hooks above them._

A WOMAN CARRYING AN INFANT (_to her_ HUSBAND). Will "ee goo in, Joe?

JOE (_who is secretly burning to see the show_). Naw. Sin it arl afoor arfen enough. Th" outside"s th" best on it, I reckon.

HIS WIFE (_disappointed_). Saw "tis, and naw charge for lookin" at "en neither.

THE PROPRIETOR. Ladies and Gentlemen, Re-mem-bar! This is positively the last opportunity of witnessing Denman"s Celebrated Menagerie--the largest in the known world! The Lecturer is now describing the animals, after which Mlle. Cravache and Zambango, the famous African Lion-tamers, will go through their daring feats with forest-bred lions, tigers, bears, and hyenas, for the last time in this town. Remembar--the last performance this evening!

JOE (_to his_ WIFE). If ye"d _like_ to hev a look at "em, I wun"t say nay to et.

HIS WIFE. I dunno as I care partickler "bout which way "tis.

JOE (_annoyed_). Bide where "ee be then.

HIS WIFE. Theer"s th" child, Joe, to be sure.

JOE. Well we bain"t a gooin" in, and so th" child wun"t come to no "arm, and theer"s a hend on it!

HIS WIFE. Nay, she"d lay in my arms as quiet as quiet. I wur on"y thinkin", Joe, as it "ud be somethin" to tell her when she wur a big gell, as her daddy took her to see th" wild beasties afoor iver she could tark--that"s arl I wur meanin", Joe. And they"ll let "er goo in free, too.

JOE. Ay, that"ll be fine tellin"s fur "er, sure "nough. Come arn, Missus, we"ll tek th" babby in--happen she"ll niver git th" chance again.

[_They mount the steps eagerly._

INSIDE.

JOE"S WIFE (_with a vague sense of being defrauded_). I thart thee"rd ha" bin moor smell, wi" so many on "em!

JOE. They doan"t git naw toime for it, I reckon, allus on the rord as they be.

THE LECTURER. Illow me to request yar kind hattention for a moment.

(Stand back there, you boys, and don"t beyave in such a silly manner!) We har now arrived at the Haswail, or Sloth Bear, described by Buffon as "aving "abits which make it a burden to itself. (_Severely._) The Haswail. In the hajoinin" cage observe the Loocorricks, the hony hanimal to oom fear is habsolootly hunknown. When hattacked by the Lion, he places his "ed between his fore-legs, and in that position awaits the honset of his would-be destroyer.

JOE"S WIFE. I thart it wur th" _hostridge_ as hacted that away.

JOE. Ostridges ain"t gotten they long twisted harns as iver _I_ heard on.

HIS WIFE (_stopping before another den_). Oh, my blessed! "Ere be a queer-lookin" critter, do "ee look at "en, Joe. What"ll _he_ be now?

JOE. How do "ee suppose as I be gooin" to tell "ee the name of "en?

He"ll likely be a sart of a "a.r.s.e. [_Dubiously._

HIS WIFE. They"ve a let" en git wunnerful ontidy fur sure. "Ere, Mister (_to_ STRANGER) can you tell us the name of that theer hanimal?

STRANGER. That--oh, that"s a Gnu.

JOE"S WIFE. He says it be a noo.

JOE. A noo _what_?

HIS WIFE. Why, a noo _hanimal_, I s"pose.

JOE. Well, he bain"t naw himprovement on th" hold "uns, as I can see.

They"d better ha" left it aloan if they couldn"t do naw better nor _"im_. Dunno what things be coming to, hinventin" o" noo hanimals at this time o" day.

BEFORE ANOTHER CAGE.

A BOOZED AND ARGUMENTATIVE RUSTIC. I sez as that "un"s a fawks, an" I"m ready to prove it on anny man.

A COMPANION (_soothingly_). Naw, naw, "e baint naw fawks. I dunno what "tis,--but "tain"t naw fawks nawhow.

B. AND A. RUSTIC. I tell "ee _"tis_ a fawks, I"m sure on it. (_To_ MILD VISITOR) _Bain"t_ "e a fawks, Master, eh?

MILD VISITOR. Well, really, if you ask me, I should say it was a hyena.

THE RUSTIC"S COMP. A hyanna! ah, that"s a deal moor like; saw "tis!

THE RUSTIC. A pianner? Do "ee take me vur a vool? I"ll knack th" "ed arf o" the man as plays "is priskies wi" me, I wull! Wheer be "e? Let me get at "en!

[MILD V. _not being prepared to defend his opinion by personal combat, discreetly loses himself in crowd_.

ON THE ELEPHANT"S BACK.

SECOND BOY. Sit a bit moor forrard, Billy, cann"t "ee!

FIRST BOY. _Cann"t_, I tell "ee, I be sittin" on th" scruff of "is neck as "tis.

THIRD BOY. I can see my vaither, I can. "Ere, vaither, vaither, look at me--see wheer _I_ be!

FOURTH BOY (_a candid friend_). Shoot oop, cann"t "ee", ya young gozzle-"ead! Think ya vaither niver see a ha.s.s on a h.e.l.lyphant afoor!

FIFTH BOY. These yere h.e.l.liphants be main straddly roidin". I wish "e wudn"t waak honly waun haff of "en at oncest, loike. What do "ee mean, a kitchin" old o" me behind i" that way, eh, Jimmy Pa.s.sons!

[Ill.u.s.tration: "I SEZ AS THAT UN"S A FAWKS, AN" I"M READY TO PROVE IT ON ANNY MAN."]

SIXTH BOY. _You"d_ ketch "old "o hanything if you was like me, a slidin"

down th" h.e.l.liphant"s ta-ail.

FIFTH BOY. If "ee doan"t let go o" me, I"ll job th" h.e.l.liphant"s ribs, and make "un gallop, I will, so _now_, Jimmy Pa.s.sons!

IN FRONT OF THE LIONS" DEN DURING PERFORMANCE.