THE DAMSEL (_disgusted_). Fancy their puttin" up a monument to _"im_!

SUPERIOR "ARRY (_talking Musichalls to his Adored One_). "Ave you "eard her sing "Come where the Booze is Cheapest?"

THE ADORED. Lots o" toimes. I _do_ like _"er_ singing. She mykes sech comical soigns--and then the _things_ she sez! But I"ve "eard she"s very common in her tork, and that--_orf_ the styge.

THE S. A. I shouldn"t wonder. Some on "em _are_ that way. You can"t "ave _everythink_!

HIS ADORED. No, it _is_ a pity, though. "Spose we go out, and pl"y Kiss in the Ring? [_They do._

AMONG THE ETHNOLOGICAL MODELS.

WIFE OF BRITISH WORKMAN (_spelling out placard under Hottentot Group_).

"It is extremely probable that this interesting race will be completely exterminated at no very distant period." Pore things!

BRITISH WORKMAN (_with philosophy_). Well, _I_ sha"n"t go inter mournin"

for "em, Sairer!

LAMBETH LARRIKIN (_in a pasteboard "pickelhaube," and a false nose, thoughtfully, to_ BATTERSEA BILL, _who is wearing an old grey chimney-pot hat, with the brim uppermost, and a tow wig, as they contemplate a party of Botocudo natives_). Rum the sights these "ere savidges make o" theirselves, ain"t it, Bill?

BATT. BILL (_more thoughtfully_). Yer right--but I dessay if you and me "ad been born among that lot, _we_ shouldn"t care _"ow_ we looked!

VAUXHALL VOILET (_who has exchanged headgear with_ CHELSEA CHORLEY--_with dismal results_). They _are_ cures, those blackies! Why, yer carn"t "ardly tell the men from the wimmin! I expect this lot"ll be "aving a beanfeast. See, they"re plyin" their myusic.

[Ill.u.s.tration: "RUM THE SIGHTS THESE "ERE SAVIDGES MAKE O"

THEIRSELVES."]

CHELSEA CHORLEY. Good job we can"t _"ear_ "em. They say as n.i.g.g.e.rs"

music is somethink downright horful. Give us "Hi-tiddly-hi" on that mouth-orgin o" yours, will yer?

[VAUXHALL VOILET _obliges on that instrument_; _every one in the neighbourhood begins to jig mechanically_; _exeunt party, dancing_.

A PIMPLY YOUTH. "Hopium-eater from Java." That"s the stuff they gits as stoopid as biled howls on--it"s about time we went and did another beer.

[_They retire for that purpose._

DURING THE FIREWORKS.

CHORUS OF SPECTATORS. There"s another lot o" bloomin" rockets gowin orf!

Oo-oo, "ynt that lur-uvly? What a lark if the sticks come down on somebody"s "ed! There, didyer see "em bust? Puts me in mind of a shower o" foiry s.m.u.ts. Lor, so they do--what a fancy you _do_ "ave. &c., &c.

COMING HOME.

AN OLD GENTLEMAN (_who has come out with the object of observing Bank Holiday manners--which he has done from a respectful distance--to his friend, as they settle down in an empty first-cla.s.s compartment_).

There, now we shall just get comfortably off before the crush begins.

Now, to _me_, y"know, this has been a most interesting and gratifying experience--wonderful spectacle, all that immense crowd, enjoying itself in its own way--boisterously, perhaps, but, on the whole, with marvellous decorum! Really, very exhilarating to see--but you don"t agree with me?

HIS FRIEND (_reluctantly_). Well, I must say it struck me as rather pathetic than----

THE O. G. (_testily_). Pathetic, Sir--nonsense! I like to see people putting their _heart_ into it, whether it"s play or work. Give me a crowd----

[_As if in answer to this prayer, there is a sudden irruption of typical Bank Holiday-makers into the compartment._

MAN BY THE WINDOW. Third-cla.s.s as good as fust, these days! Why, if there ain"t ole Fred! Wayo, Fred, tumble in, ole son--room for one more standin"!

["OLE FRED" _plays himself in with a triumphal blast on a tin trumpet, after which he playfully hammers the roof with his stick, as he leans against the door_.

OLE FRED. Where"s my blanky friend? I "it "im one on the jaw, and I ain"t seen "im since! (_Sings, sentimentally, at the top of a naturally powerful voice._) "Comrides, Comrides! Hever since we was boys! Sharin"

each other"s sorrers. Sharin" each hother"s--beer!"

[_A "paraprosdokian," which delights him to the point of repet.i.tion._

THE O. G. Might I ask you to make a little less disturbance there, Sir?

[_Whimpers from over-tired children._

OLE FRED (_roaring_). "I"m jolly as a Sandboy, I"m "appy as a king! No matter what I see or "ear, I larf at heverything! I"m the morril of my moth-ar, (_to_ O. G.) the himage of _your_ Par! And heverythink I see or "ear, it makes me larf "Ar-har!""

[_He laughs "Ar-har," after which he gives a piercing blast upon the trumpet, with stick obbligato on the roof._

THE O. G. (_roused_). I really _must_ beg you not to be such an infernal nuisance! There are women and children here who----

OLE FRED. Shet up, old umbereller whiskers! (_Screams of laughter from women and children, which encourage him to sing again._) "An" the roof is copper-bottomed, but the chimlies are of gold. In my double-breasted mansion in the Strand!" (_To people on platform, as train stops._) _Come_ in, oh, lor, _do_! "Oi-tiddly-oi-toi! hoi-toi-oy!"

[_The rest take up the refrain--""Ave a drink an" wet your eye," &c. and beat time with their boots._

THE O. G. If this abominable noise goes on, I shall call the guard--disgraceful, coming in drunk like this!

THE MAN BY THE WINDOW. "Ere, dry up, Guv"nor--_"e_ ain"t "ad enough to urt "im, _"e_ ain"t!

CHORUS OF FEMALES (_to_ O. G.). An" Bank "Oliday, too--you orter to be _ashimed_ o" yerself, you ought! "E"s as right as right, if you on"y let him alone!

OLE FRED (to O. G.). Ga-arn, yer pore-"arted ole choiner boy! (_sings dismally_), "Ow! for the vanished Spring-toime! Ow! for the dyes gorn boy! Ow! for the"--(_changing the melody_)--""omeless, I wander in lonely distress. No one ter pity me--none ter caress!" (_Here he sheds tears,_ _overcome by his own pathos, but presently cheers up._) "I dornce all noight! An" I rowl "ome toight! I"m a rare-un at a rollick, or I"m ready fur a foight." Any man "ere wanter foight me? Don"t say no, ole Frecklefoot! (_To the_ O. G., _who perspires freely_.) "Oh, I _am_ enj"yin" myself!"

[_He keeps up this agreeable rattle, without intermission, for the remainder of the journey, which--as the train stops everywhere, and takes quite three-quarters of an hour in getting from Queen"s Road, Battersea, to Victoria--affords a signal proof of his social resources, if it somewhat modifies the_ O. G."S _enthusiasm for the artless gaiety of a Bank Holiday_.

A Row in the Pit; or, The Obstructive Hat.

SCENE--_The Pit during Pantomime Time. The Overture is beginning._

AN OVER-HEATED MATRON (_to her Husband_). Well, they don"t give you much _room_ in "ere, I _must_ say. Still, we done better than I expected, after all that crushing. I thought my ribs was gone once--but it was on"y the umberella"s. You pretty comfortable where _you_ are, eh, Father?

FATHER. Oh, I"m right enough, I am.

JIMMY (_their Son; a small, bullet-headed boy, with a piping voice_). If _Father_ is, it"s more nor what _I_ am. I can"t see nothen, I can"t!