Before ten years old, my family and grandparents were neighbors, so it can be considered that they watched me grow up.

Later Grandpa moved away and moved to Uncle"s place. He once commented to others on my sister and me, “Those girls are no match, but her son, ideas that are straight.”

Straight ideas, means valuing individuality and not listening to what others have to say, not sure how I got this evaluation.

My mother agreed, saying that I follow a path to the end, and won"t turn back unless I hit a wall.

Especially now that I"m older, she doesn"t care much about me. Occasionally, she would rush me to find a girlfriend, saying that if a man did not have a woman to take care of him, his life would be much shorter. Att.i.tude is still gentle, knowing that it has always been what she says, I do not refute. But finishing her words, start saying what I have to do and do what; agreeing outwardly but disagreeing inwardly

I have spoken to her tentatively several times, saying that I have n.o.body I"m looking to, that I can"t even help it myself, that it"s even more impossible to marry someone else, and that I"d spend my whole life alone.

She was worried.

But celibacy is always more acceptable than h.o.m.os.e.xuality. In the small town of my home place, it"s closed off and backward. They probably never even heard of how two men can fall in love, or they will simply refuse to believe that there is such a thing in the world.

Recently I have been thinking about whether I should leave this city, because I stayed here because of him. Now that he"s gone, I should go too. Staying here, I will always be aware that he is not far away, surrounded by his wife, and maybe in the near future a child.

Maybe I should go to Beijing, change environments, and be closer to home.

I don"t know what the future will be like. Perhaps I will avoid all the news about him deliberately.

More than anyone else in the world, I eagerly hope that he will be happy. But, remembering that I have no share in this happiness, I still feel very sad.

The post "Six Chapters of a Floating Life", which I had published in the past, was pushed to the top again. Comparing it now, I can only sigh lightly.

At that time, it was so happy, the sky was so blue, the trees were so green, everything seemed like it was singing. On the surface saying that I dare not dream of ‘forever", I was only purposely making a stand.

Remembering what he said, “Left and right, it"s only a lifetime. It"s better to find a nice looking one.”

Words still in my ears, but I have fallen from the sky to the ground.

The good news is that a cla.s.smate from far north took a two-night train, and was on a two-week vacation.

As mentioned in the six chapters of floating life, amongst all the former students, he was the only one who knew the inside story. When he graduated, I even wrote him a half-thanking and half-ridiculous piece of “Not knowing enough”. Half of the paper was about talent and love. Everyone laughed and chatted.

Several graduate students who worked in the local area heard that he had arrived and planned to reunite. Being drunk was a catch-up.

He resolutely refused the invite. “Who said I came for a wedding?”

We used to laugh that he was more self-sufficient than ascetic monks. Four years in college, he slept on time and woke up on time, never saw a movie, never bought snacks, never skipped cla.s.s.

Respectful to everyone, and even when he was shopping, he was always alone. So when he was a senior, he asked me to accompany him to Ding w.a.n.g Tai to look for books. I was shocked and flattered.

He let out his thoughts and said that he hadn"t come back for a long time, so he pulled me to be the strongman. Neither of us were going to the wedding.

To be honest, I feel relieved. If I don"t take part in the wedding, it wouldn"t be good. If I went, it would be equal to sending my body to someone for dismembering. Some people say that the pain will be extreme, the wound will heal faster. But I can"t guarantee that I can bear it.

Hearing the news that hubby was going to get married, he came all the way from the northeast to accompany me. He took the whole thing over and pulled me out of it. I am grateful to him from the bottom of my heart.

Everyone thought that he had issues with hubby and asked a lot of questions. They were planning to try to reconcile him with hubby and even called hubby to make amends.

Ignoring all of that, he dragged me around the city for two days, revisited memories.

Recently my sleep condition is still not good. Eyes are dry and painful, and any amount of eyedrops was useless.

Yesterday we came back from shopping, I felt very tired and laid on the sofa with my eyes closed.

He sat across the table and asked me how I felt.

This is the first time that we have discussed this matter straight-on. Although he knew it before, he would not ask us the details of our relationship, nor would I tell him about it. He"s 100% heteros.e.xual and feels awkward on this topic, and I"m afraid it will make him uncomfortable or annoyed.

But except for him, I had no other person to speak to. When I heard his voice of pity for me, I burst into tears. Always bottling in and resisting, trying to pretend that nothing happened, mood was always grey, it even became a habit. I had no way to cry out happily, but tears keep pouring out, choking me breathless. I said to him, “I feel so heartbroken.”

He had nothing to say. Even the best of friends in the matter of two people have a limited degree of involvement.

After talking, I said I would wait until I turned thirty-five years old, and he strongly opposed it, saying it was a very impractical plan.

Emotion is an unrealistic thing, when you like this person, it"s not because he is good, he is handsome, or he is rich. Additionally, he is not handsome at all, and he has no money. I know his shortcomings more clearly than others. He procrastinates and always waits for things to come before he starts. He is stupid, he can never learn English well, even a little slippery.

But I still liked him, not sure since when, and there were no additional conditions.

“Nan Kang, Nan Kang, grow up quickly,” someone said in the replies.

I can grow up, and be like many others, find a suitable person to live with, maybe not someone I like very much, but over time, we can always cultivate some true feelings, or we can easily say ‘break up" and find another.

Or just be the most practical person, hug and kiss at night, and become strangers at dawn.

Of course, I can do that. I"m just afraid, everything, can"t overcome this one, because it"s not him, I wake up with only doubled emptiness and loneliness.

So most of the time, it"s not that I"m willing to wait, but that I have no choice but to wait – know this person who makes you like this much, you might not meet another one in this life.

People often say that time is the greatest, everything will be wiped out by it, whether it"s happiness or sadness, everything will eventually pa.s.s in the end.

I can only move forward slowly. Maybe many years later, I will recall all kinds of things today. At that time, I may have someone else in my heart.

Maybe I"m still waiting, but I won"t remember why I persevered.

Or maybe, he has come back to me.

You see the people coming and going on the streets, each is in a hurry. They meet, but only look on indifferently. No one can see the story behind others, no one knows in the heart of others, if there was also someone like this living in it?

(Waiting Until Thirty-five Years Old) Story End