JAMES MORROW.

James Morrow [www.sff.net/people/Jim.Morrow] lives in State College, Pennsylvania,according to his website, "with his wife, Kathryn, his twelve-year-old son, Christopher, and two enigmatic dogs: Pooka, a Border collie, and Amtrak, a stray Doberman that Jim and Kathy rescued from a train station in Orlando, Florida. He devotes his leisure hours to his family, his Lionel toy electric trains, and his video collection of vulgar Biblical spectacles." Morrow"s novels include This Is the Way the World Ends (1986), a Nebula finalist, Only Begotten Daughter (1990), winner of the World Fantasy Award, and Towing Jehovah (1994), the first of a trilogy about the death of G.o.d and winner of the World Fantasy Award and the Grand Prix de l"Imaginaire. Much of his short fiction is collected in Bible Stories for Adults "1996), including the Nebula Award-winning fable, "The Deluge." His next book is an historical novel, The Witchfinder General, due out in 2002.

"The Cat"s Pajamas" was published in F&SF and in the anthology Embrace the Mutation; a man and a woman set out on a car trip, leaving New Jersey to look for adventure; they find more than they bargained for across the state line in Pennsylvania. The story is both an homage to H.

G. Wells" The Island of Dr. Moreau, and to George Orwell"s Animal Farm. But Morrow"s is absurdist SF, funny and hyperbolic.

"All politics is local politics."

-Tip O"Neill

The Eighteenth-Century Enlightenment was still in outfaces, fetishizing the rational intellect and ramming technocracy down our throats, so one day I said to Vickie, "Screw it. This isn"t for us. Let"s hop in the car and drive to romanticism, or maybe even preindustrial paganism, or possibly all the way to hunter-gatherer utopianism." But we only got as far as Pennsylvania.

I knew that the idea of spending all summer on the road would appeal to Vickie. Most of her affections, including her unbridled wanderl.u.s.t, are familiar to me. Not only had we lived together for six years, we also worked at the same New Jersey high school-Vickie teaching American history, me offering a souped-up eleventh-grade Humanities course-with the result that both our screaming matches and our flashes of rapport drew upon a fund of shared experiences. And so it was that the first day of summer vacation found us rattling down Route 80 in our decrepit VW bus, listening to Crash Test Dummies CDs and pretending that our impulsive westward flight somehow partook of political subversion, though we sensed it was really just an extended camping trip.

Despite being an epater le bourgeois sort of woman, Vickie had spent the previous two years promoting the idea of holy matrimony, an inst.i.tution that has consistently failed to enchant me.

Nevertheless, when we reached the Delaware Water Gap, I turned to her and said, "Here"s a challenge for us. Let"s see if we can"t become man and wife by this time tomorrow afternoon." It"s important, I feel, to suffuse a relationship with a certain level of unpredictability, if not outright caprice. "Vows, rings, music, all of it."

"You"re crazy," she said, brightening. She"s got a killer smile, sharp at the edges, luminous at the center. "It takes a week just to get the blood-test results."

"I was reading in Newsweek that there"s a portable a.n.a.lyzer on the market. If we can find a technologically advanced justice of the peace, we"ll meet the deadline with time to spare."

"Deadline?" She tightened her grip on the steering wheel. Jeez, Blake, this isn"t a game. We"re talking about a marriage."

"It"s a game and a gamble-I know from experience. But with you, sweetheart, I"m ready to bet the farm."

She laughed and said, "I love you."

We spent the night in a motel outside a pastoral Pennsylvania borough called Greenbriar, got up at ten, made distracted love, and began scanning the yellow pages for a properly outfitted magistrate. By noon we had our man, District Justice George Stratus, proud owner of a brand new Sorrel-130 blood a.n.a.lyzer. It so happened that Judge Stratus was something of a specialist in instant marriage. For a hundred dollars flat, he informed me over the phone, we could have "the nanosecond nuptial package,"including blood test, license, certificate, and a bottle of Taylor"s champagne. I told him it sounded like a bargain.

To get there, we had to drive down a sinuous band of dirt and gravel called Spring Valley Road, past the asparagus fields, apple orchards, and cow pastures of Pollifex Farm. We arrived in a billowing nimbus of dust. Judge Stratus turned out to be a fat and affable paragon of efficiency. He immediately set about p.r.i.c.king our fingers and feeding the Mood to his Sorrel-130, which took only sixty seconds to endorse our DNA even as it acquitted us of venereal misadventures. He faxed the results to the county courthouse, signed the marriage certificate, and poured us each a gla.s.s of champagne. By three o"clock, Vickie and I were legally ent.i.tled to partake of connubial bliss.

I think Judge Stratus noticed my pained expression when I handed over the hundred dollars, because he suggested that if we were short on cash, we should stop by the farm and talk to Andre Pollifex. "He"s always looking for asparagus pickers this time of year." In point of fact, my divorce from Irene had cost me plenty, making a shambles of both my bank account and my credit record, and Vickie"s fondness for upper-middle-cla.s.s counterculture artifacts, solar-powered trash compacters and so on, had depleted her resources as well. We had funds enough for the moment, though, so I told Stratus we probably wouldn"t be joining the migrant worker pool before August.

"Well, sweetheart, we"ve done it," I said as we climbed back into the bus. "Mr. and Mrs. Blake Meeshaw."

"The price was certainly right," said Vickie, "even though the husband involved is a fixer-upper."

"You"ve got quite a few loose shingles yourself," I said.

"I"ll be hammering and plastering all summer."

Although we had no plans to stop at Pollifex Farm, when we got there an enormous flock of sheep was crossing the road. Vickie hit the brakes just in time to avoid making mutton of a stray lamb, and we resigned ourselves to watching the woolly parade, which promised to be as dull as a pa.s.sing freight train.

Eventually a swarthy man appeared gripping a silver-tipped shepherd"s crook. He advanced at a p.r.o.nounced stoop, like a denizen of Dante"s Purgatory balancing a millstone on his neck.

A full minute elapsed before Vickie and I realized that the sheep were moving in a loop, like wooden horses on a carousel. With an impatience bordering on hysteria, I leaped from the van and strode toward the obnoxious herdsman. What possible explanation could he offer for erecting this perpetual barricade?

Nearing the flock, I realized that the scene"s strangest aspect was neither the grotesque shepherd nor the tautological roadblock, but the sheep themselves. Every third or fourth animal was a mutant, its head distinctly humanoid, though the facial features seemed melted together, as if they"d been cast in wax and abandoned to the summer sun. The sooner we were out of here, I decided, the better.

"What the h.e.l.l do you think you"re doing?" I shouted. "Get these animals off the road!"

The shepherd hobbled up to me and pulled a tranquilizer pistol from his belt with a manifest intention of rendering me unconscious.

"Welcome to Pollifex Farm," he said.

The gun went off, the dart found my chest, and the world turned black.

Regaining consciousness, I discovered that someone-the violent shepherd? Andre Pollifex?-had relocated my a.s.saulted self to a small bright room perhaps twelve feet square. Dust motes rode the sunlit air. Sections of yellow wallpaper buckled outward from the sheetrock like spritsails puffed with wind. I lay on a mildewed mattress, elevated by a box-spring framed in steel. A turban of bandages encircled my head. Beside me stood a second bed, as uninviting as my own, its bare mattress littered with artifacts that I soon recognized as Vickie"s-comb, hand mirror, travel alarm, ankh earrings, well-thumbed paperback of Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance.

It took me at least five minutes, perhaps as many as ten, before I realized that my brain had been removed from my cranium and that the pink, throbbing, convoluted ma.s.s of tissue on the nearby customized library cart was in fact my own thinking apparatus. Disturbing and unorthodox as this arrangement was, I could not deny its actuality. Every time I tapped my skull, a hollow sound came forth, as if I were knocking on an empty ca.s.serole dish. Fortunately, the physicians responsible for mycondition had worked hard to guarantee that it would entail no functional deficits. Not only was my brain protected by a large plexigla.s.s jar filled with a clear, acrid fluid, it also retained its normal connection to my heart and spinal cord. A ropy ma.s.s of neurons, interlaced with augmentations of my jugular vein and my two carotid arteries, extended from beneath my orphaned medulla and stretched across four feet of empty s.p.a.ce before disappearing into my reopened fontanel, the whole arrangement shielded from microbial contamination by a flexible plastic tube. I was thankful for my surgeons" conscientiousness, but also-I don"t mind telling you-extremely frightened and upset.

My brain"s extramural location naturally complicated the procedure, but in a matter of minutes I managed to transport both myself and the library cart into the next room, an unappointed parlor bedecked in cobwebs, and from there to an enclosed porch, all the while calling Vickie"s name. She didn"t answer. I opened the door and shuffled into the putrid air of Pollifex Farm. Everywhere I turned, disorder prospered. The cottage in which I"d awoken seemed ready to collapse under its own weight.

The adjacent windmill canted more radically than Pisa"s Leaning Tower. Scabs of leprous white paint mottled the sides of the main farmhouse. No building was without its unhinged door, its shattered window, its sunken roof, its disintegrating wall-a hundred instances of entropy mirroring the biological derangement that lay within.

I did not linger in the stables, home to six human-headed horses. Until this moment, I had thought the centaurial form intrinsically beautiful, but with their bony backs and twisted faces these monsters soon deprived me of that supposition. Nor did I remain long in the chicken coop, habitat of four gigantic human-headed hens, each the size of a German shepherd. Nor did the pig shed detain me, for seven human-headed hogs is not a spectacle that improves upon contemplation. Instead I hurried toward an immense barn, lured by a spirited performance of Tschaikovsky"s Piano Concerto No. 1 wafting through a crooked doorway right out of The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari.

Cautiously I entered. s.p.a.cious and high-roofed, the barn was a kind of agrarian cathedral, the Chartres of animal husbandry. In the far corner, hunched over a baby grand piano, sat a humanoid bull: blunt nose, gaping nostrils, a long tapering horn projecting from either side of his head. Whereas his hind legs were of the bovine variety, his forelegs ended in a pair of human hands that skated gracefully along the keyboard. He shared his bench with my wife, and even at this distance I could see that the bull man"s virtuosity had brought her to the brink of rapture.

Cerebrum in tow, I made my way across the barn. With each step, my apprehension deepened, my confusion increased, and my anger toward Vickie intensified. Apprehension, confusion, anger: while I was not yet accustomed to experiencing such sensations in a location other than my head, the phenomenon now seemed less peculiar than when I"d first returned to sentience.

"I know what you"re thinking," said Vickie, acknowledging my presence. "Why am I sitting here when I should be helping you recover from the operation? Please believe me: Karl said the anesthesia wouldn"t wear off for another four hours."

She proceeded to explain that Karl was the shepherd who"d tranquilized me on the road, subsequently convincing her to follow him onto the farm rather than suffer the identical fate. But Karl"s name was the least of what Vickie had learned during the past forty-eight hours. Our present difficulties, she elaborated, traced to the VD screening we"d received on Wednesday. In exchange for a substantial payment, Judge Stratus had promised to alert his patrons at Pollifex Farm the instant he happened upon a blood sample bearing the deoxyribonucleic acid component known as QZ-11-4. Once in possession of this gene-or, more specifically, once in possession of a human brain whose in utero maturation had been influenced by this gene-Dr. Pollifex"s biological investigations could go forward.

"Oh, Blake, they"re doing absolutely wonderful work here." Vickie rose from the bench, came toward me, and, taking care not to become entangled in my spinal cord, gave me a mildly concupiscent hug. "An external brain to go with your external genitalia-very s.e.xy."

"Stop talking nonsense, Vickie!" I said. "I"ve been mutilated!"

She stroked my bandaged forehead and said, "Once you hear the whole story, you"ll realize that your bilateral hemispherectomy serves a greater good."

"Call me Maxwell," said the bull man, lifting his fingers from the keyboard. "Maxwell Taurus." Hisvoice reminded me of Charles Laughton"s. "I must congratulate you on your choice of marriage partner, Blake. Vickie has a refreshingly open mind."

"And I have a depressingly vacant skull," I replied. "Take me to this lunatic Pollifex so I can get my brain put back where it belongs."

"The doctor would never agree to that." Maxwell fixed me with his stare, his eyes all wet and brown like newly created caramel apples. "He requires round-the-clock access to your anterior cortex."

A flock of human-headed geese fluttered into the barn, raced toward a battered aluminum trough full of grain, and began to eat. Unlike Maxwell, the geese did not possess the power of speech-either that, or they simply had nothing to say to each other.

I sighed and leaned against my library cart. "So what, exactly, does QZ-11-4 do?"

"Dr. Pollifex calls it the integrity gene, wellspring of decency, empathy, and compa.s.sionate foresight,"

said Maxwell. "Francis of a.s.sisi had it. So did Charles Darwin, Clara Barton, Mahatma Gandhi, Florence Nightingale, Albert Schweitzer, and Susan B. Anthony. And now-now that Dr. Pollifex has started injecting me with a serum derived from your hypertrophic superego-now I"ve got it too."

Although my vanity took a certain satisfaction in Maxwell"s words, I realized that I"d lost the thread of his logic. "At the risk of sounding disingenuously modest, I"d have to say I"m not a particularly ethical individual."

"Even if a person inherits QZ-11-4, it doesn"t necessarily enjoy expression. And even if the gene enjoys expression-" Maxwell offered me a semantically freighted stare-"the beneficiary doesn"t always learn to use his talent. Indeed, among Dr. Pollifex"s earliest discoveries was the fact that complete QZ-11-4 actualization is impossible in a purely human species. The serum-we call it Altruoid-the serum reliably engenders ethical superiority only in people who"ve been genetically melded with domesticated birds and mammals."

"You mean-you used to be ... human?"

"For twenty years I sold life insurance under the name Lewis Phelps. Have no fear, Blake. We are not harvesting your cerebrum in vain. I shall employ my Altruoid allotment to bestow great boons on Greenbriar."

"You might fancy yourself a moral giant," I told the bull man, "but as far as I"m concerned, you"re a terrorist and a brain thief, and I intend to bring this matter to the police."

"You will find that strategy difficult to implement." Maxwell left his piano and, walking upright on his hooves, approached my library cart. "Pollifex Farm is enclosed by a barbed-wire fence twelve feet high.

I suggest you try making the best of your situation."

The thought of punching Maxwell in the face now occurred to me, but I dared not risk uprooting my arteries and spinal cord. "If Pollifex continues pilfering my cortex, how long before I become a basket case?"

"Never. The doctor happens to be the world"s greatest neurocartographer. He"ll bring exquisite taste and sensitivity to each extraction. During the next three years, you"ll lose only trivial knowledge, useless skills, and unpleasant memories."

"Three years?" I howled. "You b.a.s.t.a.r.ds plan to keep me here three years?"

"Give or take a month. Once that interval has pa.s.sed, my peers and I shall have reached the absolute apex of vertebrate ethical development."

"See, Blake, they"ve thought of everything," said Vickie. "These people are visionaries?

"These people are n.a.z.is," I said.

"Really, sir, name calling is unnecessary," said Maxwell with a snort. "There"s no reason we can"t all be friends." He rested an affirming hand on my shoulder. "We"ve given you a great deal of information to absorb. I suggest you spend tomorrow afternoon in quiet contemplation. Come evening, we"ll all be joining the doctor for dinner. It"s a meal you"re certain to remember."

My new bride and I pa.s.sed the night in our depressing little cottage beside the windmill. Much to my relief, I discovered that my s.e.xual functioning had survived the bilateral hemispherectomy. We had to exercise caution, of course, lest we snap the vital link between medulla and cord, with the result that thewhole encounter quickly devolved into a kind of slow-motion ballet. Vickie said it was like mating with a china figurine, the first negative remark I"d heard her make concerning my predicament.

At ten o"clock the next morning, one of Karl"s human-headed sheep entered the bedroom, walking upright and carrying a wicker tray on which rested two covered dishes. When I asked the sheep how long she"d been living at Pollifex Farm, her expression became as vacant as a cake of soap. I concluded that the power of articulation was reserved only to those mutants on an Altruoid regimen.

The sheep bowed graciously and left, and we set about devouring our scrambled eggs, hot coffee, and b.u.t.tered toast. Upon consuming her final mouthful, Vickie announced that she would spend the day reading two scientific treatises she"d received from Maxwell, both by Dr. Pollifex: On the Mutability of Species and The Descent of Morals. I told her I had a different agenda. If there was a way out of this bucolic asylum, I was by-G.o.d going to find it.

Before I could take leave of my wife, Karl himself appeared, clutching a black leather satchel to his chest as a mother might hold a baby. He told me he deeply regretted Wednesday"s a.s.sault-I must admit, I detected no guile in his apology-then explained that he"d come to collect the day"s specimen.

From the satchel he removed a gla.s.s-and-steel syringe, using it to suck up a small quant.i.ty of anterior cortex and transfer it to a test tube. When I told Karl that I felt nothing during the procedure, he reminded me that the human brain is an insensate organ, nerveless as a stone.

I commenced my explorations. Pollifex"s domain was vaster than I"d imagined, though most of its fields and pastures were deserted. True to the bull man"s claim, a fence hemmed the entire farm, the barbed-wire strands woven into a kind of demonic tennis net and strung between steel posts rising from a concrete foundation. In the northeast corner lay a barn as large as Maxwell"s concert hall, and it was here, clearly, that Andre Pollifex perpetrated his various crimes against nature. The doors were barred, the windows occluded, but by staring through the cracks in the walls I managed to catch glimpses of hospital guraeys, surgical lights, and three enormous gla.s.s beakers in which sallow, teratoid fetuses drifted like pickles in brine.

About twenty paces from Pollifex"s laboratory, a crumbling tool shed sat atop a hill of naked dirt. I gave the door a hard shove-not too hard, given my neurological vulnerability-and it pivoted open on protesting hinges. A shaft of afternoon sunlight struck the interior, revealing an a.s.sortment of rakes, shovels, and pitchforks, plus a dozen bags of fertilizer-but, alas, no wire cutters.

My perambulations proved exhausting, both mentally and physically, and I returned to the cottage for a much-needed nap. That afternoon, my brain tormented me with the notorious "student"s dream." I"d enrolled in an advanced biology course at my old alma mater, Rutgers, but I hadn"t attended a single cla.s.s or handed in even one a.s.signment. And now I was expected to take the final exam.

Vickie, my brain, and I were the last to arrive at Andre Pollifex"s dinner party, which occurred in an airy gla.s.s-roofed conservatory attached to the back of the farmhouse. The room smelled only slightly better than the piano barn. At the head of the table presided our host, a disarmingly ordinary-looking man, weak of jaw, slight of build, distinguished primarily by his small black mustache and complementary goatee. His face was pale and flaccid, as if he"d been raised in a cave. The instant he opened his mouth to greet us, though, I apprehended something of his glamour, for he had the most majestic voice I"ve ever heard outside of New York"s Metropolitan Opera House.

"Welcome, Mr. and Mrs. Meeshaw," he said. "May I call you Blake and Vickie?"

"Of course," said Vickie.

"May I call you Joseph Mengele?" I said.

Pollifex"s white countenance contracted into a scowl. "I can appreciate your distress, Blake. Your sacrifice has been great. I believe I speak for everyone here when I say that our grat.i.tude knows no bounds."

Karl directed us into adjacent seats, then resumed his place next to Pollifex, directly across from the bull man. I found myself facing a pig woman whose large ears flopped about like college pennants and whose snout suggested an oversized b.u.t.ton. Vickie sat opposite a goat man with a tapering white beard dangling from his chin and two corrugated horns sprouting from his brow. "I"m Serge Milkovich," said the goat man, shaking first Vickie"s hand, then mine.. "In my former life I was Bud Frye, plumbing contractor."

"Call me Juliana Sowers," said the pig woman, enacting the same ritual. "At one time I was Doris Owens of Owens Real Estate, but then I found a higher calling. I cannot begin to thank you for the contribution you"re making to science, philosophy, and local politics."

"Local politics?" I said.

"We three beneficiaries of QZ-11-4 form the core of the new Common Sense Party," said Juliana.

"We intend to transform Greenbriar into the most livable community in America."

"I"m running for Borough Council," said Serge. "Should my campaign prove successful, I shall fight to keep our town free of Consumerland discount stores. Their advent is inevitably disastrous for local merchants."

Juliana crammed a handful of hors d"oeuvres into her mouth. "I seek a position on the School Board.

My stances won"t prove automatically popular-better pay for elementary teachers, s.e.x education starting in grade four-but I"m prepared to support them with pa.s.sion and statistics."

Vickie grabbed my hand and said, "See what I mean, Blake? They may be mutants, but they have terrific ideas."

"As for me, I"ve got my eye on the Planning Commission," said Maxwell, releasing a loud and disconcerting burp. "Did you know there"s a scheme afoot to run the Route 80 Extension along our northern boundary, just so it"ll be easier for people to get to Penn State football games? Once construction begins, the environmental desecration will be profound."

As Maxwell expounded upon his anti-extension arguments, a half-dozen sheep arrived with our food.

In deference to Maxwell and Juliana, the cuisine was vegetarian: tofu, lentils, capellini with meatless marinara sauce. It was all quite tasty, but the highlight of the meal was surely the venerable and exquisite vintages from Pollifex"s cellar. After my first few swallows of Brunello di Montalcino, I worried that Pollifex"s scalpel had denied me the pleasures of intoxication, but eventually the expected sensation arrived. (I attributed the hiatus to the extra distance my blood had to travel along my extended arteries.) By the time the sheep were serving dessert, I was quite tipsy, though my bursts of euphoria alternated uncontrollably with spasms of anxiety.

"Know what I think?" I said, locking on Pollifex as I struggled to prevent my brain from slurring my words. "I think you"re trying to turn me into a zombie."

The doctor proffered a heartening smile. "Your discomfort is understandable, Blake, but I can a.s.sure you all my interventions have been innocuous thus far-and will be in the future. Tell me, what two cla.s.sroom pets did your second-grade teacher, Mrs. Hines, keep beside her desk, and what were their names?"

"I have no idea."

"Of course you don"t. That useless memory vanished with the first extraction. A hamster and a chameleon. Florence and Charlie. Now tell me about the time you threw up on your date for the senior prom."

"That never happened."