Part 9

            “…hugh…ugh….”

            He stroked his thin and pale but soft line back. Every strand of his hair stuck to his sweaty back. It looked somehow s.e.xy looking at his dark colored hair comparing to his pale white skin. He kissed his spine with his lips, and the wrists that were pressed down shivered. He squeezed the mound where it was receiving him, and he heard a painful moan. Somehow he felt he wanted to be crueler, so he spread his thin thigh widely. His thighs were so thin that it had ill appearance.

            “Ugh!”

            He was satisfied hearing his sharp scream, but he felt weird. Yes, I was always felt weird with this small pale man. I could’ve just send him away if he didn’t want to be with me. If I didn’t want to send him away, I could’ve just sliced him. It’s weird that I’m holding this guy. People who defy the Emperor gets killed right instant. If he didn’t like that person, he could just kill that person on the spot. He has that kind of power. Even if that person has strong authority, even if that person is haughty, he didn’t care. Even the Empress can’t say no to him. He was sure that he could slice that precious woman like a servant. But not with this man. The Emperor never had a person defied him like he did, and he never had a person that he didn’t want to kill even though he defied him.

            This man never realizes looking at his brown eyes filling up with tears hurt my heart, feeling pity when he faints, looking for his sister makes me mad, and hearing the word ‘no’ makes me feel like my heart dries away because of the cold wind.

            He doesn’t know that I smile only when I see his face, I worry about his health so I always take care of his meal, I worry he might cough because he left the window open on windy and rainy days, and I always feel happy thinking of seeing his face.

            Because he doesn’t realize those, he doesn’t know that I feel inconsiderate. Even if I hold him, he doesn’t know my heart still aches. And he probably doesn’t know that I can’t let him go even if he shows painful face because I feel affection towards his thin body.

            He held Yeho’s body tightly putting his face on his hair. Because of his rough movement, Yeho’s moan got louder.

            I just blankly stared at the wall lying down. My whole body was sore that I was afraid to move. I felt a sharp pain from the bottom, and my wrists and ankles have bold bruises.

            “…Your Highness…”

            Soa’s voice was wet unlike usual. Soa slowly came to me and tried to lift my blanket that was covering my lower body.

            “Don’t touch it.”

            I said it sharply but because of my sore throat, it just didn’t sound pleasant. Soa stopped and stepped back.

            “Your Highness, your wound…”

            “Don’t touch me. Don’t come to me.”

            I didn’t even move a single finger and talked to Soa. I just blankly stared at the wall. Soa repeatedly cried, ‘But, but…’ I just thought that’s like her age.

            “….Your Highness, please let me see your wound. It will make it worst. If you get the fever again…”

            “I’ll just die.”

            I indifferently said it.

            “Your Highness… If you say that…”

            “I…don’t like it…”

            I don’t like it, Soa. I don’t like how it became like this. It’s painful and painful. My body hurts, but my heart hurts more than anywhere. Yes, I get it. I get it how His Majesty looked at me. Even though I was a man, I was still a concubine. I don’t know why he held me, but I was still his concubine. I, I just didn’t know that. I get it how he is mad because his interesting toy is trying to leave the palace, but why do I feel so sad. He should’ve killed me, why did he do this…

            “Your Highness, His Majesty treasures you. When you went to bed to avoid His Majesty, he always came to see your sleeping face. His Majesty treasures you that much. So, so…”

            “Pathetic…”

            “Your Highness…”

            “I’m not a woman or beautiful. And I’m not even from a famous house. When do you think his affection will last?”

            “…Your Highness…”

            “Leave it. You may leave…”

            “But, Your Highness…”

            I closed my eyes and didn’t answer Soa.

            Yes, Soa let’s pretend that His Majesty treasures me. I even have him in my heart, so I should be happy. Actually, I am happy. Yes… happy. Even if I’m one of those concubines, even if I’m his toy that he will get sick of it soon, I’m happy that I get to have his embrace. Although it’s little shameful and painful, there’s nothing I can do I’m a man, and I brought a man into my heart.

            But, but Soa… I can take what happens to me. I can take the pain but not His Majesty. I can’t stand that I can be his flaw. This already happened, so His Majesty will hold me for a while. This place has many eyes, so the rumor that His Majesty holds man will spread somehow. I’m afraid of that. Yes, it’s funny. I’m still worried about him at this stage…

            “…His..Majesty…”

            I was in my thoughts, and I heard Soa’s voice. My shoulders and back suddenly froze.

            “You may leave.”

            “Bu..but…”

            “Leave that and leave.”

            I closed my eyes tightly hearing His Majesty’s calm but somehow unstable voice. He left not so long ago. He came back already… It’s not even sunset yet… What if someone notices... Mixed feeling of uneasiness and resentment made my chest feel tight.

            “Yeho.”

            He called me and touched my bare shoulder. I trembled in fear. My body still remembered the pain. But he just slowly stroked my arm and lifted the blanket little bit. And I felt a warm wet towel touching my lower body that I didn’t even think of. I shivered my back because of the sharp pain, and I felt a dull pain in my back.

            “Ugh…”

            I unconsciously made sound and hunched my shoulder then he lightly kissed my temple.

            “It’s okay… little bit..”

            “…Stop that… this…”

            I was barely able to open my mouth. But his hand was busy cleaning my body and because I couldn’t move due to the pain, I just let him do whatever he wanted to do. He carefully moved his hand and quietly whispered into my ear.

            “It’s my first time so bear with me.”

            “Stop…this. You…are not supposed to do this, Your Majesty.”

            “You nag too much, Yeho.”

            And he removed the wet towel. I felt him walking to somewhere. I stood up and turn my body to His Majesty’s side. Surprisingly he walked to my closet and took out the white dress.

            “Your Majesty!”

            I was surprised and moved my body. Then a sharp pain came all the way up to my head.

            “Oh no, you can’t move.”

            He hold the dress and came to me. I frowned and looked at the dress that he was carrying.

            “Why did you take that out? Leave it. I’m going to throw it away.”

            “Why are you throwing it away?”

            I couldn’t say anything. He sighed looking at me and put the dress on my shoulder. I bit my lip feeling the soft silk texture. I felt like crying.

            “I heard it’s yours.”

            “I’m going to throw it away.”

            “I heard you came wearing this and bow down to the side where I went on a patrol. Soa told me.”

            “I told you. I don’t need that anymore.”

            “No…”

            He smiled brightly. I blankly stared at his smile because I’ve never seen that kind of smile on his face. And I realized. His lips had a big smile, but his eyes lost all the light in him.

            “You need it.”

            I was in shock because of his tainted black pearl eyes. I heard his gentle and sweet but bad feeling voice.

            “You’ll wear it once more. I’m going to place you as a Madame (Highest among concubines. Ranked after Empress). I already told them about it.”

            My mind went blank. He softly touched my face with his hand and rubbed his lips on my chin and neck.

            “No, it can’t be this. I have to tell them to make it again. I’ll prepare the highest quality of white silk, satin, and veil and get diamond beads…”

            I couldn’t breathe.

            I’m this nervous hiding like this. Madame? Did he just say Madame? Me a man?

            I looked at him in shock, and he smiled gently but somehow it looked insane.

            “Did you really think I’ll leave you alone like this? Don’t even think of leaving this place. This Flower Fence Palace will be left as the place you are staying, but your room will be moved to my room. Few of the previous Emperors did take their Madame to their room. Probably you will be the Madame who stayed in the Emperor"s bedroom the longest. Unless either of us die, I won’t let you go out.”

            I blankly stared at his face. He slide the dress that was on my shoulder with his dead smile. I felt a soft silk sliding down my shoulder, but I was still blankly staring at him. His Majesty just kissed my boney shoulder and moved my hair to one side of my shoulder, and he stroked my spine that shows bones.

I am the shower of rain… I can only be the shower of rain… That’s what I thought. I came all the way here to prevent from it, but I still became the strong shower of rain that ruins the person that I love. This beautiful and precious person will get dirty by the dirt puddle that caused by the rain.

            I closed my eye feeling hopelessness.