Zombie Kiss Chapter 2 Worthless-Lifeless

How do we judge

Other"s worth?

And why do we

Let others judge our own worth?

If I do not accept other people"s judgement of me

Do I still belong

In this "human" society…?

"Worthless – Lifeless"

[Note: the t.i.tle of this chapter is a pun of two words, "คุณค่า" which means "worth/value", and "คุณฆ่า" which means "you killed". The two are p.r.o.nounced the exact same way (khun-kha) but is spelled differently, as you can see.]

Prologue

"Have you…ever liked me?"

A few weeks before graduation, Savika asked me that question.

Usually, after school, I would immerse myself in books at the central library to prepare for exams. That day, the library was quiet since there were not many people. The voice of the girl sitting across of me was loud enough to draw everyone"s attention.

And of course, mine too.

"You asked a strange question." I said.

"Answer already."

Savika leant forward, her long, black bangs spread across her shoulders.

"I like you because you are smart, kind and…"

"Lies…"

Her clear voice made me pause.

When I looked into her raven black eyes and felt how they stared at me as if to reach the pit of my soul, I realized that I was wearing the polite smile again. The thoughtless smile I showed to everyone.

Savika liked everyone"s lies.

But not mine…

"Ariya…you never see me in your eyes, huh?"

She sighed.

I did not not whether she was just saying that or she actually wanted a reply, so I ignored the statement and continued studying.

That conversation took place many months prior. Currently, I am starting a new life, but when I thought back to my high school life, the time I spent with Savika was the first thing I recall.

At that time, I never suspected that meeting her would be the first major turning point in my life. Moreover, I got secretly involved in a serial killing case that was the talk of the town.

The case where multiple bodies of high school girl were discovered, with eyes gouged and covered in bandage, was remembered by the nation under the name…

"The Eyeless Murder"

1

I have a "rabbit hole" in my heart.

The expression that I, who came up with the term, did not understand it myself. But, my heart accepted it without any regards to common sense.

The rabbit hole in my head was a dark pit large enough for a man to enter. The bottom was not visible as if the pit could stretch into an eternal abyss.

I stood at the "mouth" of the pit, wobbling.

Even though I am still at the mouth, I could feel the furious black waves deep below.

At the same time it became obvious…

That if I dipped my foot into that dark hole, I would never make it out again.

[Up next is a report on the Eyeless Murder. Today, a fifth victim was discovered. The police…]

The reporter"s voice echoed from a television hung on the pole and got muddled with the cacophony of students" voices during lunch break.

My eyes were glued the screen. I thought back to the newspaper articles I read during this month.

The case started when a road sweeper found a girl"s corpse left by a bus stop. She was wearing high school uniform stained red from a gash on her scalp. On her body were bruises, as if she"d been severely tortured. On her pale, lifeless face adorned a gauze bandage wrapped around her eyes, which were soaked with two blotches of red. Two streams of blood dripped down her cheek like weeping statues of Mary the Virgin.

The terrifying truth behind the gauze did not require an autopsy to uncover. It made the nation shiver with fear.

At first the case closed with a simple cause: "jealousy." But it did not end there. A second victim was discovered two weeks later, also with eyes gouged. Then a third and fourth appeared.

All of them had no connections to each other, be it school, looks, height, or way of life.

Except for one thing. They were all school girls.

And the culprit was still on the loose.

"Ariya. Ariya!"

A male student called my attention away from the television. He was a cla.s.smate. The only thing I remembered about him was that his student number was 8.

It was not that the man had nothing interesting, but to me, humans are just another species of living thing on earth.

Which means, they are no different from an ant.

Hating humans and commending yourself as G.o.d…Those ideals had nothing to do with me and my apathy towards fellow human beings. No matter what the gender, personality, and status, in my eyes, all of humanity are the same and equal.

"Ariya, sorry but can I copy your report?"

The cla.s.smate said with a tone of panic.

"Please, man. I ain"t got the time. I gotta prepare for entrance exams."

To a student near graduation, university entrance exams are more fearful than a serial murder case.

Simply, the ineffective crime prevention measures that pop up like roaches running away from water is more reliable than university entrance exams where only Buddha could enlighten us with the answers.

"Oh, sorry. I have not finished yet."

I made a "that"s a pity" face to go along with my statement.

"But…I will finish it tonight. You can xerox it then."

When I finished, he expressed grat.i.tude and thanked me multiple times…

Even though what drove me to act was not pity or kindness. Everything was calculated. After this, he would remember me as "the kind cla.s.s rep who would work on a report for my sake". Actually, I finished that report long ago.

I used the same logic to keep my connections with everyone.

I became the dependable cla.s.s rep.

A student who never caused trouble in the eyes of my parents and teachers, and could easily use his GPA and Sat.i.t school quota to enter affiliated universities easily, that was me.

[Sat.i.t = demonstration school]

In the end, the definition of "good", "spirit", or "morals" is just an equation calculated by the brain.

To live in society smoothly, I had to observe, memorize, and see the lines that society drew.

The line that separated "worthy" from "worthless" human beings.

Consequently, those who overstepped that line will be branded as "worthless" instantly.

I do not wish to become those people, so I tried to fill my rabbit hole. I wore a mask to make myself appear as an ordinary person, and hid safely behind the boundary of society"s acceptance.

At least I could fool myself that I"m just like other people…

Maybe.

2

After school, I entered the university"s area that was connected to my demonstration school to work on my report at the central library.

Students do not usually come here, since textbooks were for undergraduates. As I tried to find a book, an unfamiliar voice rang behind me.

"If you want something that"s easy to understand, wanna try this one?"

I was confused by the appearance of a hand that presented the book to my face. I looked up to see who the owner of those pale hands was.

She was a high school student, same grade as me, but had a beautiful face with a shy smile. Her long and soft black hair would make people feel like cherishing her. I had a feeling she was the cla.s.s rep of the neighboring cla.s.sroom, and we met time to time when there was a meeting for school activities. But we never talked to each other.

"Savika…My name is Savika."

She said as if she knew my personality. My first impression of her was great.

But that was no match for what she would say next.

"As expected. You like to fake your smile, hmm?"

I was stunned. My impenetrable smile could fool even my parents, but a girl who I barely knew saw through my facade.

Whatever enables her to see through me was not important. That was the start of I and Savika"s acquaintance.

At first I was worried that she would tell everyone how I was double-faced.

But as time pa.s.sed, n.o.body"s att.i.tude changed, so I guessed she did not tell a soul. Why? I did not understand.

Everyday after school I went to the library. She would be there, lurking around. When I was with Savika, I never put on my mask. (Since she could see through it anyway.)

"Princess" was Savika"s nickname, because she was polite and cute even though her family were not influential people. She lost her parents when she was young, to top it off. She had a brother who worked as a professor in this university and took care of all her expenses. Savika helped reduce expenses by applying for scholarships.

But the Savika I met in the library was a different person. She was confident and talkative. If someone said this was "Princess" Savika"s twin, some would have fell for it.

"Hey…Ariya."

Savika called out to me. In her hands was a volume of newspaper.

The first thing I noticed was the heading about the Eyeless Murder and its latest victim. Other than that, there was an interview with the victim"s parent, a copy-paste from the prior five.

Perhaps, like me, Savika was bored.

"What do you think is his motivation?"

Her topic of conversation was unlike those one might hear from a girl. Those girls usually pick their topics from magazine articles or gossip.

"Why do you think he commits the same crime over and over?"

"I do not know, but it is not for fun or for stress relieve. Maybe the perpetrator had a reason. Judging from how the victims were female high school girls with bad record, maybe the perpetrator believed that humans were composed of evil energy. He would then try to bring order back or control society using extreme measures, because it was more effective than going about it slowly. I think it is reasonable."

"Ariya, you"re strange."

Savika said, her chin resting on her palm.

"Usually people say that murder is wrong no matter the cause."

"Is that so?"

I shrugged. Actually, I only took my answer from the philosophy book I was reading.

Some friends who saw me and Savika together in the library would think we were dating, but if they were to ask me, I would decline since I could not say what our relationship was.

We were not friends or lovers.

I did not like or hate Savika. She would also never come to my cla.s.s, greet, or talk when we pa.s.sed each other in the hall.

The only place we would talk was the library.

As if this was our secret world. Just the two of us.

As our relationship continues, one day when I pa.s.sed her in the hall, a gust of wind blew. Her hair fluttered, showing her pale nape…

And a large, purple bruise on it.

…In the rabbit hole…something stirred.

3

Tomorrow is the final exam date, and today would be the last day I came to this library.

Until now, I still had no courage to tell Savika that I saw her bruise.

Maybe, if she thought I was more interested in the bruise than she herself, she would feel bad. As we talked, like other times, my eyes scanned for a purple patch of skin that peeped out from either the hem of her skirt or sleeves. If I looked more carefully, I could see wounds on exposed skin, but they were almost entirely healed.

No matter what, my curious glances could not escape Savika"s observant eyes.

"They"re marks from my brother."

She pointed to a group of bruises on her arm. Her eyes told me she could not believe she would have this conversation with someone like me.

"This is unexpected. You actually care about other people. That"s progress."

I guessed it was her way of complimenting me. She hummed a song as she tugged a sleeve up to her shoulder. There were round, black wounds on her flesh.

I knew instantly. Those were marks from being pressed by a burning cigarette.

"Brother said these are reminders to not get on the wrong path."

She looked at her wounds with gentle eyes, like she was nurturing them.

"Because if I became a bad person, I will be worthless in everyone"s eyes."

I wanted to tell her that those "reminders" of yours was what others would call "abuse".

…But I did not say it.

"It hurted when I was young, but I endured. When brother said I was a good girl, the pain was gone entirely!"

I only saw her brother"s face from the staff bulletin board. He was a man with a stern face and seemed very strict. Although from Savika"s story, he seemed like a G.o.d who could give happiness or pain to her at his leisure.

How many years of torture did she endure…so that her image of that demonic brother changed into a G.o.d who was everything in her life?

When I thought about it, the nickname "Princess" really suited her.

My mind went to a fairy tale I heard long ago.

Princess "Rapunzel" was kidnapped by a witch since she was an infant. The witch trapped her in a tower, cut off from the outside world. Every day, her only duty was to let down her hair for the witch to climb up.

The princess never knew her real family.

She never realized what evil deeds the witch had done.

Moreover, she seemed satisfied being in a tower.

These conditions are similar to something I read in a psychology textbook somewhere. Bonds between captors and captive built up to the point where the captives would protect their captors.

Or else, love the captors from the bottom of their heart.

The reason was a mistake of the brain…

Or was it because people seek to be "worthy" in other"s eyes…?

No matter how twisted that "worth" would be…

As I take in Savika"s bruises and wounds, the rabbit hole in my soul expanded.

It was beckoning me inside…

"Ariya…?"

When I went silent, Savika called my name sadly. Her eyes were afraid that I would hate her.

Savika knew, somewhere in her heart, that what her brother did was wrong.

But because she could not escape from the stress, in order to forget all the pain and protect her fragile heart from being crushed to dust, she wore a pretty princess"s sh.e.l.l instead of drowning in fear.

A twisted logic in a twisted world.

Then I realized…

Savika had a "rabbit hole" too.

The sun shone a reddish orange. I absorbed the last daylight.

Then I remembered Savika"s house was in the same direction as mine.

"Savika…let"s head home together."

It was an impulse not filtered through any calculations or logic. I only thought: since today was the last day, maybe I will not see her again.

Savika beamed, and swept her belongings into her bag.

I felt that it was the first real smile I saw from her.

As we rode the public bus home, we did not talk. I guessed we felt awkward since it was not the usual place.

"Ariya, where are you going to university?"

The girl by the window opened our conversation, even though her house was only three stops away. I felt hesitant to answer such a normal question.

"I might use my quota and get into affiliated universities. What about you? Are you applying for a university here?"

Savika shook her head.

"No. Next year, my brother will teach somewhere else, and he will go alone."

An unexpected answer. Savika gazed dreamily out the window, and I could not see what kind of face she made.

"I need to stay at a relative"s house. I wonder how it would be like. Will they love me like my brother loved me?"

She sounded like a princess left on top of a tower in solitude.

"I…don"t want to live as a worthless person."

She mumbled and stood up to get off.

I moved out and let her walk out of the seat easily.

"Because…it"s Ariya. If it"s not you, I"ll never say it…"

She said that out of the blue. Her voice trembled, as if hesitant to speak.

"My brother is a killer."

When her words finally sank in, Savika was already off the bus.

At last I understood why I took so much interest in her bruises.

They were the same as those bruises on the Eyeless Murder victims.

Savika and those girls… under their clothes hid numerous pitiful injuries inflicted by the same man.

…By the Eyeless Murder"s perpetrator.

…In other words, Savika"s brother.

Something in the rabbit hole called out to me.

Without thinking, I stood up and rang the bell for the bus to stop.

4

The door was not locked when I got there.

When I opened the door, I saw a house that seemed like it was. .h.i.t by a hurricane. Pieces of decorations littered the ground, and a pungent smell wafted. I wrinkled my nose.

There was not much to see, since noises from the second floor said it all.

A girl"s scream, alternated with a man"s furious shout.

And a blunt sound like hard object pounding on flesh.

"Brother… no!!!!"

"You b.i.t.c.h, you think I don"t know who you"re with on the bus? You"re a s.l.u.t!"

"I"m sorry! I"m sorry! Nooo!!!"

I dashed up the stairs and darted straight into the source of the twisted noises.

The lights were not on and the curtains were drawn. I could see the silhouette of a bed, a desk, and a bookcase.

But I could see the figures of the two people clearly.

Savika was on the floor. She was in a tattered state. Blood seeped from wounds on her arms, legs, and face.

She was broken so many times she was close to shattering. Her brother stood over her, hands holding a cooking knife to her throat.

"Who the f.u.c.k are you…? How did you get in…?"

The two were surprised by the appearance of an uninvited guest as I panted from running all the way here.

Suddenly, the brother leapt towards me. I bent sideways, avoiding the knife by a strand of hair, and struck his wrist so the weapon fell. However, his right fist countered into my stomach, and that sent me crashing into the bookcase. Pain rushed in, along with noises of gla.s.s breaking.

When I regained my composure, pieces of a broken jar were scattered all over the floor.

A colorless liquid pooled around me. The smell was so sharp it made my eyes tear up.

But I could not look away…

Since in the liquid, red b.a.l.l.s of gelatinous substance rolled at my feet.

I looked up at the bookcase. There were four jars of formalin. Counting the one that broke, that made five.

No wonder…the police never found the missing eyeb.a.l.l.s…

A sharp pain ran into my head, before my hair was yanked backwards by the brother. "It" threw my head into the walls twice, and I fell to the ground.

In my blurred vision, I saw it picking up the knife. Then, Savika came to stop it. She was pleading for something.

But the demon was merciless.

It swung a punch into Savika"s head, and she fell. It beated her without listening to her pleas.

"Shut up you b.i.t.c.h! I never listen to wh.o.r.es like you!"

If this goes on, my eyeb.a.l.l.s would go in those jars…

I struggled to stand up. The brother saw my movements and strided towards me with knife raised, ready to kill.

"Argh!!!!!"

Savika"s brother used its free hand to cover its eyes, which were coated in the formalin I took from the bookcase and splashed it with. It roared ferociously and swung the knife around like a madman.

And I happened to be in its path.

But another knife thrusted into its chest.

A hand so pale it seemed to never have touched sunlight was holding the knife. An all too familiar hand.

Savika withdrew the knife pierced into her brother"s abdomen slowly. I could hear it drew its final breath softly, before the lifeless sh.e.l.l fell to the ground.

I stared at her beautiful hands stained by blood, not able to look away.

"I killed my brother?"

Savika asked, as if she had no idea the murder was her own doing.

Her body trembled. I admired her a bit. Normal people would holler and lose themselves, but Savika was calm. Whispers left her mouth.

"I had no other choice…I don"t want to be worthless."

Then she looked at me.

"What about you, Ariya? Do you see…my worth?"

"Yeah, I do."

Thoughts about what to do with the situation swam in my head. In the end, it was best to do nothing and call the police.

After I decided on the action, I called Savika to calm herself somewhere else and discuss what we would say to the policemen.

"Savika…"

"You lied again."

Savika said with a sweet, clear voice. That was the voice she used every time she teased me when she caught my lies.

And because I heard it often, I did not notice…

When she raised the knife and buried it in her throat.

The knife was wrenched from the throat. Blood spurted out like a broken pipe.

Under that fountain of red, Savika smiled…

A beautiful smile from a twisted soul…

Something in the rabbit hole seized my legs and dragged me into the abyss.

I drowned in the endless darkness. Twisted lies and twisted actions surrounded me while all I could do was close my eyes. I did not resist. It felt calm, like going back into a mother"s womb.

Let"s stop…running away from myself.

From the beginning, this "rabbit hole" was the real me.

I always wondered why Savika decided to talk to me, but now I somewhat understood. Savika could not tolerate being seen as worthless.

And I was the only one who ignored her.

So she tried to win me over.

But a girl without bruises is worthless in my eyes…

Savika knew that even before I realized it myself.

So she chose to knife herself…

To give me her final "worthiness".

Savika"s corpse was so beautiful.

-Chapter 2 End-

Epilogue

[Yesterday, the sixth victim of the Eyeless Murder was discovered along with the eyes of the previous five victims, which were in the sixth victim"s house. The culprit probably broke into the house, as he did with the previous victims, and as he committed the crime, the victim"s brother who was a college professor discovered him. Thus, the culprit killed the professor and ran away, leaving evidences behind.]

The reporter spoke nonchalantly among the hushed chatter of lunch break. The victim was closer to them than ever.

Unlike them, I could truly ignore this news, since I already knew everything I needed to know.

Even more than necessary.

[Until now, the police could not find the latest victim"s eyes…]

I think they would never find it. The prettiest pair of eyes…

At that time, I only thought that if I left Savika as she is, people would think she died because of her brother"s abuse.

Her beauty…her worth that she wanted to let me see…. I wanted to preserve her, so I concealed what happened by making it appear like another victim of the Eyeless Murder.

It was not hard. I knew every detail from the media.

How I did it, I will not tell. I did it calmly, without stress or tension. My body moved as if it was something embedded in my nerves.

I remembered the feeling when I tied a piece of cloth over her eyes.

I did it delicately, as if putting on a wedding ring on a bride"s hand.

At last, when I checked that there was no fingerprints left…

I closed the door.

Along with it, the Eyeless Murder ended.

It seemed I would be stuck in this rabbit hole for a long time, until someone lets down a rope to pull me up.

But…when will that rope appear? I did not know…

Thinking positively, at least I still liked human.

Even if the only kind I like are the dead ones.

Why do people avoid death? I did not understand, since death will claim every life with the utmost justice, and is a perfect conclusion to the journey of a lifetime.

That was a beautiful thing that defined humanity.

I let myself get away from the bustling crowd and spiral deep into the dark rabbit hole.

Along with the first death that will be engraved in my heart forever…