Going Monstering.

Edward Lee.

Book was originally published by Bloodletting Press as a hardcover limited and lettered edition in 2009.

You girls"ll want coffee, I take it?" Kezzy asked. She came around the kitchen table with that big bright phony smile of hers, holding the pot. It"s a smile I"d get to know well.

"Oh, yes, thank you, Miss Kezzy!" the skinny chick said. Her name was Mercy Dexter and she was so skinny I don"t know how she bought clothes. I wished I could be skinny too but, s.h.i.t, not that skinny. We found out real quick she was one of those Bible-thumping holy rollers a"for f.u.c.k"s sake. Oh, and she wore a big cross like the one Ozzy Osborne wears. All three of us were nerds, but Mercy was a Super Nerd, Ink-black hair, bangs, gawky. The kind of girl a novelist would call "mousy" or "li-brarianish" "cos he didn"t feel like thinking of something better.

"Sure, I"d love some, Miss Kezzy," the second "initiate" said. Her name was Hannah Bowen and I knew her from orientation a couple months ago. She was all right, I guess, a little snooty "cos her folks were rich but, s.h.i.t, all of our folks were rich. How else could we get into a private girls" college? One thing I liked about Hannah was her gla.s.ses looked worse than mine. You know, c.o.ke bottles. But what I liked most was that she weighed more than me. I weighed 190 at five-foot four, and she was over 200, but the kick in the a.s.s was she didn"t look as fat "cos she was almost six feet tall. Guys called her Sasquatch behind her back. "I"ve always been a coffee drinker!" she said, like it was a big deal.

Next, Kezzy"s phony smile swerved to me, like a flashlight beam in my face. "And you, Ann?"

"Ann" would be me, Ann White. I"m fat, uninteresting, and morose. No brag, just fact. I"m a pot-head, I drink too much, and at 19 years of age I have less motivation than an old person on their death bed. My belly turns into six rolls of fata"serious, I counted "em a" whenever I sit down, and one time I was walking down the street and some dude I never seen before says, "Hey, baby, I didn"t know they made blue jeans for elephants!" Just like that, out of the blue. Another time I was actually on a "date," and when we were making out, the guy opens my blouse, but when he took a look at my t.i.ts, he started laughing. The f.u.c.ker wouldn"t stop. "Sorry, Ann, I can"t help it!" he kept hee-hawing. "It"s just that your t.i.ts... look ridiculous!" How do you like that s.h.i.t, huh? I gave him a b.l.o.w.j.o.b anyway "cos he had pot, which I guess gives you an idea of just how f.u.c.ked up I am. Oh, and my hair? Looks like somebody plugged me into a wall socket, and it"s the color of... well, you ever see a white poodle that"s got away for a couple weeks, so it"s all dirty and mangy? That"s what my hair looks like. Thanks a lot, G.o.d.

Anyway, as to the coffee offer, I said, "Yeah. Anything with caffeine."

She kind of froze, glaring at me. "What was that, Ann?"

a.s.shole, I thought. "Yeah, anything with caffeine, Miss Kezzy. "

"Better," she said. See, she has this superiority thing. Mere pledges must always show respect to senior "sisters." She poured three cups, her perfect teeth gleaming like that stupid commercial with the Australian chick or some s.h.i.t. Kezzy Mason was the S.S.S. a" the Senior Sorority Sister a" so it was her a.s.s we had to kiss if we wanted to get into Alpha House. She made me sick the first minute I saw her. You know, the phony smile, the f.u.c.k You face, the perfect body, the perfect blond hair. The b.i.t.c.h looked like Pam Anderson but, like, when Pam Anderson was f.u.c.kin" 20.

"You girls will just love this coffee. It"s Costa Rican!"

Big f.u.c.kin" deal.

"Oh, and Mercy, dear?" Kezzy raised her finger. "Since you haven"t yet been fully initiated, it"s understandable that you"re not familiar with the Alpha House dress code, but I"m afraid you"ll have to lose the cross."

Mercy"s skinny face kind of twisted up like someone just told her that her whole family got killed in a car wreck. Her skinny hand reached up and touched the cross. "You can"t make me get rid of my cross..."

"I have no desire to make you get rid of it," Kezzy came back. She had a way of talking that reminded me of scissors. Snip, snip, snip. "I"m simply informing you that your cross is considered a violation of our dress code."

"But, but, I"m a Christian! Christians wear crosses!"

"That may well be, but what you must understand is that Christians who wear crosses in Alpha House, just as any girl who wears any unauthorized jewelry, are not admitted into Alpha House." Kezzy stared, tapping a foot. "You do want to be in this sorority, don"t you?"

"Well, well, yes, but, but, I should be able to wear my cross. It"s the symbol of my Lord and Savior!"

"Fine. Then you can take yourself along with the symbol of your Lord and Savior out of this house right now and never come back."

Silence. What a bad scene right off the bat. But it got worse when Hannah"s eyes narrowed and she said, "That seems fairly discriminatory, Miss Kezzy."

Kezzy"s glare snapped to Hannah. "Does it, now? Discriminatory? It"s a good thing for you we don"t discriminate against girls with 1.3 grade-point averages, hmm?"

Hannah"s mouth fell open. "You didn"t have to say that in front of everybody!" Her s.h.i.tty grades were something she tried hard to keep from others. A pride thing. So she"d lie about them just like she lied about her weight, "boyfriends" she"d never really had, how she was the darling of her rich family when she was actually the clunker. You know the type.

"What about you, Ann?" Kezzy"s gaze felt like an ice-cold draft. "Do you feel I"m being discriminatory, you meaning a girl with a 1.2 average?"

"No, Miss Kezzy," I sucked right up. "Mercy, take the cross off. Rules are rules. Jesus isn"t gonna condemn you to h.e.l.l for obeying the rules, is He?"

"Well, no," she peeped. "He does know that I"m His faithful servant."

"Good. So take it off. And Hannah, you need to get into a sorority as bad as I do, so why not...appeal to Miss Kezzy"s good nature and say you"re sorry for implying that she"s discriminatory?"

Hannah a"the p.u.s.s.y a"wiped a tear out of her eye. "I"m sorry, Miss Kezzy."

We all looked at Mercy. She gulped and took off the cross.

Kezzy smiled. "Good!"

Time out, just so you get the gist. Girls always have their own reasons for wanting to get into a sorority, but nine times out of ten it"s got something to do with family. You have to prove something to your family, you have to prove to them that you can fit in the way they did when they were in college; you have to give them something to yack about at dinner parties, you know, "Oh, my daughter so-and-so is in the best sorority!" It indicated refinement or some s.h.i.t. The fact was, me, Hannah, and Mercy were three misfits who"d been turned down by every house on the row. Mercy wanted in because her parents told her they"d stop paying for college if she didn"t "socialize" more, said her obsession with church was making her too introverted, and even though her grades were average, her dad didn"t want to spend the bucks just to have his daughter wind up in a convent holding a $200,000 degree. With Hannah, it was her sisters. Three princesses, and she was the ugly ducking. They were all in sororities, and she was sick to death of her parents always asking her why she couldn"t be like her sisters. My reason"s more blunt. My folks are pigs.h.i.t rich, but they "won"t stand" to have an "under-achiever" for a daughter. "A little motivation"s what you need," my dad said to me when I eked out my high school diploma after getting an academic waiver a"which dad paid for a"and then I got busted on graduation night for buying pot. (Oh, and I gotta add that b.l.o.w.j.o.bs were more the reason I graduated, not studying.) The short version? Dad gave me the ultimatum: ""Graduate from college or you"re out of the will." s.h.i.t, that inheritance is the only thing I got going for me. He and mom both smoke and drink bigtime, so, s.h.i.t, they"ll both probably be in the ground by the time they"re fifty. But if I don"t pa.s.s college they"re gonna leave everything to a"can you believe it? a" the f.u.c.kin" Salvation Army. So it was sink or swim time for me, and I"d been pretty much sinking my whole life. Now, you"re probably wondering something like, What"s she talking about? Getting into a sorority can"t guarantee a college diploma.

I"ll get to that part in a bit.

Anyway, the air cleared after the fuss about the cross, and Kezzy put her phony smiling f.u.c.k-you face right back on like nothing happened. Remember, she"d just poured the coffee, so now she asked, "I trust you girls would all like cream?"

"Lots of cream, yes, Miss Kezzy," Hannah said. "And sugar, please, thank you."

"Just a little cream for me, please, Miss Kezzy," said the sulking Mercy.

My turn. "I"d prefer mine black, Miss Kezzy."

She scowled. "So. You"re the maverick now, Ann? Everyone else wants cream, but you don"t? Are you too good to have cream like the rest of the girls? Hmm?"

Oh, for f.u.c.k"s sake! "I"m sorry, Miss Kezzy. I meant that I do want cream."

"Good." Snip. She glanced over her shoulder toward the door. "Zenas!"

NOW what? I thought. I dared to speak. "Urn, Miss Kezzy? Who"s Zenas, if I may ask?"

"Why, Zenas is the maid, Ann."

"Isn"t, uh, isn"t the name Zenas a man"s name? An old name from Colonial days? Old Yankee, or whatever they call it?"

"Yes, it is."

Me, Hannah, and Mercy all looked at each other, but I was the one who kept talking. "You mean the Alpha House maid... is a man ?"

"That"s correct, Ann," but then she shot a glare toward Hannah. "You see, we don"t discriminate here."

I guess I suspected that s.h.i.t was seriously f.u.c.ked up all along, you know, subconsciously. But there was no doubt when the kitchen door swung open, and in walked this brawny, strapping, ox-necked guy with biceps that looked like f.u.c.kin" mangoes. He had kind of greasy rednecky hair and serious five o"clock shadow. But, see, it"s what he was wearing...

He was wearing a maid"s outfit.

"Oh, my gosh!" Mercy squealed, and she was actually laughing. She thought it was a joke.

"Come on!" Hannah exclaimed. "What kind of gag is this?"

But, me? I think I"d already gotten the idea because I"d heard all the stories about "hazing." All I said was "Oh, f.u.c.k."

"Zenas," Kezzy introduced. "Meet our three new pledges. Mercy, Hannah, and Ann."

"Hey-yuh, girlies. En"t a bad place ta live"n dew yew"re larnin", eh?" the guy said in the heaviest New England redneck accent I ever heard. No lie, this rube was decked out in the real deal: black stockings, the short fringy petticoat thing, a serving ap.r.o.n, laced cuffs, even a f.u.c.kin" bodice and matching pumps. And I could tell right off the bat he was no swish. It had to be another one of Kezzy"s gigs; you"ll know what I mean later, about how she loved to demean people. But even before it happened I knew what was going on here, which tells you just how deep in the gutter my mind lives. "Miss Kezzy? May I ask the maid a question?"

"Of course, Ann."

I couldn"t help eyeballing the guy"s pecs bulging through the black bodice. "Zenas, why"s a gorgeous meat-rack like you dressed up like a French maid? Ain"t no way you"re gay, ain"t no way you"re a transvest.i.te. So..."

He shot his pecs, then a"I guess it"s called p.r.o.nation a" pro-nated his arms to show off the triceps. "Kezzy, she pays me some long coin, ee-yuh, Whud"jew think, fattie?"

You have no idea how much I appreciated the "fattie."

"Zenas is compensated one thousand dollars per week to serve as Alpha House"s maid. He"s also quite a serviceable housekeeper, cook, and driver."

Somehow I figured he was also a quite serviceable c.o.c.k vendor, reserved exclusively for Kezzy.

"This is ridiculous!" Hannah said. "I can"t believe he"s dressed up like that!"

Mercy just kept giggling.

Kezzy gave her most smug smile yet. "Zenas. Pour the cream."

"Wuz hopin" yud ask. En"t got one off since yestuh-dee, new suh," he gruffed and kind of hitched his hips when he slipped down the pantyhose and pulled out a c.o.c.k that looked like something hanging in a deli. Then, right there in front of us, he began to beat off.

Mercy screamed like a train whistle, and Hannah, she brought her hands to her face like that Edvard Munch painting that got stolen. But me?

I just pursed my lips and nodded.

Zenas kept whipping his flaccid c.o.c.k until it started to go. The f.u.c.kin" thing had to be ten inches, and it was about as thick as a can of Red Bull. I"d seen some off-the-wall s.h.i.t in my life, but this? s.h.i.t. For some reason, it wouldn"t have been quite so bad if he hadn"t been wearing the maid suit. And the sound of the guy jerking off was like someone slapping raw burger.

Hannah just sat there, open-eyed and open-mouthed, but Mercy squealed, "What, what is he doing!"

Kezzy looked to me. "Ann, you seem to be more cognizant than the others. Why don"t you tell our naive friend here what he"s doing?"

I rubbed my face. "He"s gonna come in the coffee cups, Mercy. And we gotta drink it."

Mercy looked like someone just walked right up to her and kicked her in the c.u.n.t. "What? Come? What do you mean?"

"He"s going to e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.e in our coffee, bonehead. It"s a sorority prank, you know. Cream in your coffee? Get it?"

"No!" she wailed. "You mean like, like...sperm?"

"Yeah, Mercy. Sperm. d.i.c.ksnot. Man-batter. So just...get ready."

They watched in shock as Zenas began to huff and twitch. It really was the most ludicrous thing I"ve ever seen: a grown man in a maid"s outfit, jerking off in coffee. Eventually the guy"s nuts bunched up, and then he a"what"s the word? He inclined his pelvis over the table edge, and said, "Cream on the way..." He fired two big spurts into Mercy"s cup, grunted, "Two fuh yew, string bean," then two into the second cup, "Two fuh yew, Bigfoot," then...

The a.s.shole rips five spurts off into my cup.

"Eeee-YUH. Extra cream fuh Jobbessa the Hut."

This guy"s load was so thick it looked like Udon noodles coming out of his d.i.c.k. My karma, I"ll tell you. Oh, and I really appreciated that Jobbessa crack.

Hannah kept looking sh.e.l.l-shocked, and Mercy was vibrating in her seat. Meanwhile, Zenas slapped the rest out on the table, and it was like someone slapping a pork loin down. Then he shoved all his deflated junk back into his pantyhose. "Theer"s yer cream, ladies," and then he laughed. There were little wisps of white film floating on top, but I knew what was sitting in the bottom...

Jesus Christ, Mercy was crying now. She pointed to the cups with a shaking finger. "We, we...we have to...drink it?"

""Fraid so," I said. "Miss Kezzy didn"t go to all this trouble just to have us look at it."

"Maybe, maybe," Hannah stuttered, "maybe we really don"t have to. Like maybe, maybe, Miss Kezzy just wants to gross us out. And maybe, like, just before we"re about to drink it, she"ll say we don"t have to."

At that remark, we all looked up to Kezzy. The expression on her face was like a f.u.c.kin" bust of Napoleon.

"I wouldn"t count on that," I said.

"But why?" Mercy kept wailing. "Why do we have to drink it?"

"It"s hazing, Mercy," I told her. "That"s just the way it is, it"s tradition. It you want to get into a sorority, you have to go through an initiation period. When our parents were in college, they"d have to do stuff like moon the dean, or toilet-paper the police station, pull a jock-trap raid, or walk around with a dunce hat for a week, candy-a.s.s stuff like that. But in this day and age, it"s different. You gotta eat a banana you wiped your a.s.s with, run across the quad naked, f.u.c.k a guy on the dean"s front yard, or, ora""

I pointed to the coffee cups.

Kezzy crossed her arms and tapped her foot. "I"m waiting, girls. Would you like to sit here all day, or would you like to see your room?"

I sighed. (I"d be sighing a lot over the next week.) "Come on. Let"s just do it. We have to do it."

"I"m not drinking coffee with sperm in it!" Mercy wailed. "I"ve never even seen sperm before, much less tasted it!"

"Neither have I!" Hannah added.

"Oh, f.u.c.k you, Hannah!" I yelled. "You"ve sucked plenty of d.i.c.ks. You told me so!"

"I can"t believe you just told them that!"

"Look," I tried to reason. "If we don"t do it, we"re out. It all ends right here the first day, then we go back to our loser lives and we"ll be flunked out by the end of next semester. So let"s just do it and get it over with."

"But I"m a Christian!" Mercy shrieked. "I can"t drink coffee with sperm in it! It"s a sin!"

"Bulls.h.i.t, Mercy. Does it say that in the Bible? Does it specifically say you can"t drink coffee with sperm in it?"

"Well, well, no, but-"

"Did somebody pull a stone tablet out of a bush that said Thou shalt not drink coffee with sperm in it?"