The Third Life and Thereafter – 6

“… … M-my Lady!!”

            Alongwith the loud echo of the door being thrown opened, I heard the scream of a man.

My eyes moved from the head ofgolden hair at the tip of my field of vision to the other corner of the roomwhere a boy was standing. Now, what time is it? What was I doing? Why was Crowin that place? Due to the medicine my consciousness was cloudy and I couldn’tcollect my thoughts. Crow sprawling on the bed together with me, when was itagain? A few hours ago? A few days ago? Or was it several months before? Howmuch time has pa.s.sed since then?

“Aaah! Aaah! Oh G.o.d…! Oh G.o.d…!”

            Suddenlya floating sensation at the bottom of my stomach made me feel uncomfortable.Understanding I was hold up in someone’s arms, I tried to move my legs toresist but I couldn’t. Because the bed sheets were wrapped around me. Maybe because the man who was lamenting over something was trembling andsobbing convulsively, his heartbeat that was echoing in my ears wasparticularly fast. 

“For you to be in such a place…!!Let’s go home, my lady…!”

            Beingcalled my lady several times made me feel painfully nostalgic and I rememberedthat even I had a time where I was called like this. That this man’s voicesounded familiar, was probably not my imagination.

“A…l… ?”

“!”

            WhenI muttered that name, the big arms that were supporting my body shookgreatly. 

“I’ve come, to pick you up, my lady…that I’m so late, I’m really, truly, sorry. I’m so sorry…!”

            Whilelooking at Al’s face who kept bitterly apologizing for his mistakes as hegrinded his teeth in mortification, I thought of the months and years that have pa.s.sed by. The Al who was a young that I remembered was no longer here. “Let’s gohome, my lady…” hoa.r.s.ely whispered Al in a soft voice to sootheme. As if going home was the natural thing to do.

            Goinghome, go, home, ho-me? I bend my neck while mouthing that foreign vocabularywhose meaning I utterly couldn’t comprehend. For me there was no place I couldreturn to. Where on earth does he intend to take me to? After all this time,where on earth? In that state that was like being restrained, I could only let myeyes wandered around the room and when they reached its corner, they capturedthe figure of Crow as he was concealing his breath.

“Cr (ow),”

            Itried to called out his name but swallowed down my words. I don’t know his nameyet. The boy has not said his name even once. When I blurred out air instead ofwords, Crow, aware of my unsaid call or nor, put a thin smile on his lips andsaid,

            …Good for you, right?

            Itcertainly sounded like a voice, but Al didn’t notice and was about to leave theroom. No, that’s not it. It’s not that he didn’t notice, rather Al couldn’t seeCrow’s figure at all.

“… A…l, wa…it, wait…”

“It’s alright. My lady, you havenothing to fear. Your room was left as it was. Everything stayed in the sameplace. You can go back to your previous life, as if nothing happened.”

“Wr…ong...”

            That’swrong, Al. That’s not what I’m trying to say. Wait, please. I want to talk toCrow. I can’t go anywhere, put me down, please, put me down.

            Becauseof my illness every single of my organ was not fulfilling its functionproperly. I didn’t even have enough strength to vibrate my vocal cords. When Itried to raise my voice, my lungs felt like they were torn apart. And so, Icouldn’t voice my feelings and transmit the words I wanted to say. Theyprobably won’t reach Al who looked like he was murmuring to himself inindignation. All I could do was directing my sight toward the inside of the filthylittle room that was getting farther and farther away, toward Crow who waslooking at me from there. His pitch-dark, pitch-black eyes that looked likethey were refusing to reflect even light were appealing for something. Seeingthis expression, I gained conviction.

            Determiningmy ident.i.ty, locating Al, telling him my whereabouts, that was all Crow’s doing……        

“Wait, Al, that child, Cro(w)… is…he’s… that’s child too… him too…”

            Take him along. As if to deny thosewords the door of the room was vigorously opened. I could only look over Al’sshoulder as Crow was left behind.

“Al… Al…”

“It’s alright my lady. Now,everything is going to be alright.”

            Alwho wasn’t aware of anything replied in a gentle tone. But not a single word thatI wanted to say, not a single meaning I wanted to convey was transmit to him. Ithink he probably wanted to leave this place as quickly as possible. And he took the initiatives need to do so. Al, who loudly shut the door probably didn’t have any illwill, but for me that action was like venting your anger for losing the placeyou could go back to. Over that closed-door Crow is here. If he wanted to, it would be easy for Crow to leave this brothel. But he will not come out. Iunderstood he will not come out and chase after me.

            Isaw his faintly quivering lips curved up in a little smile and said “Good foryou.” That was surely his parting words. My arm that escaped from therestraints of the sheets reflexively stretched toward the door. My nails thatCrow had trimmed short rubbed against the surface of the thin door. “…I neversaid, I wanted you to help me…” Even if I barely managed to utter those words,they’ll no longer reach Crow. The me in my previous life had certainly ask Crowto lend her his help. But, I, the present me, had never asked for help. Becauseit was fine to continue like this. It was fine to die like this with no one knowingabout it. Cause, I believed that Crow would surely stay beside me until thevery end.  

            Aslong as his figure was here, everything would have been fine.

            …… And yet, why?

*

            Ifelt around the gap between the fluffy sheets with my dried fingertips. Rollingmy eyeb.a.l.l.s that had almost become completely useless, I was expecting to findblack hairs and wanted to remove them from the stainless clothes. His blackhairs that didn’t possess any temperature felt pleasantly nice and cold, atsome point I had started wanting to touch them because it made me feelcomfortable. I wanted to ascertain that sensation again.     

“Big sister…?”

            Rightbeside me, catching her breath, my lovely little sister called out to me in animploring tone. In my blurred field of vision was reflected the nostalgiccolors of her white face and silver hairs. However, I couldn’t see clearlyenough to read her expression. I could only guess she was surely making aworried one. I’m sorry, I’ve made you worry. That’swhat I thought but I couldn’t put it into words. Only a long breath could leakthrough the gap of my dried lips. A considerate maid wiped up my lips witha moisturized cotton, but that action was meaningless. The inside of my mouthwas hot like it was burning.

I alreadyknew that my end was drawing near.

“…,”

“What? Big sister, what have yousaid?”

            WhenAl took me from the brothel, I thought it was surely to take me back to theearl estate, but for some reason I was carried to the marquis’s mansion. There,Soleil and Silvia, together with their children, were waiting for my arrival.

            Thecave-like-brother where I had been was as remoted from the regions where the marquis’sand our earl’s houses were set up as heaven was remoted from earth. That placewas a strange lawless area inside our country. In other words, it was a slum.It seemed that Al had been looking for me all those years, but he lamented overthe fact that no matter where he went he couldn’t catch hold of my whereabouts.During the journey to return to the marquis’s mansion, he cried so many times,grieving and asking why he couldn’t find me sooner. Everything was brought onmyself due to my egotistical motive, Al hadn’t commit the slightest wrongdoing,and yet when I convey this to him in broken and disconnected words, it seemedit didn’t bring him any consolation. Apologizing seemed to only depress him even further.

            Althoughwe arrived at the mansion after several weeks of travel spent in that mood, atthat time, I was already on the verge of death. Immediately the private doctorof the marquis’s house came to examine me, but he diagnosticated that nothing couldbe done anymore. I felt that I heard his voice guessing I had a few days leftat best. 

“Big sister, can you hear me? Iheard that, Soleil had something he wanted to talk to you about for a bit…”

            Icould no longer move the tip of my fingers, I could just s.h.i.+ft my darkeningsight and when I did so, I certainly felt that a person who appeared to beSoleil was looking over me. There were emotionless thin ice like eyes. Those eyes I feltin love with were beside me. But even when I tried to concentrate I couldn’tread his expression. I could no longer distinct anything with my weakeyes.  

“… Iria, the whole time… I’ve hatedyou… …”

           Atthe edge of my field of vision, stood two small shadows that should be their children.I wonder if they are worried for their parents. At the time I was brought to thismansion, the ones who showed the most discomfort where those two. Even though Ican hardly see their expression, I understood this quite clearly. I had thefeeling they harbored wariness toward the unknown person who suddenly appeared.I could comprehend why they wouldn’t accept a measly prost.i.tute who, even as aform of flattery, couldn’t be called a n.o.ble female servant. Even if she wastheir mother’s blood related big sister. Besides Silvia, Soleil and also Al, noone could prove my ident.i.ty. My appearance has probably totally changed. Yet,because Soleil and Silvia had received me as the person called Iria, they hadto accept this fact. I guess the reason the earl house didn’t receive me, wassurely because my parent’s anger hasn’t lessened. I probably had been strippedof my position of being an earl’s daughter when I run away.  

“You were suddenly gone, and Ithought you betrayed me. From our childhood you were at my side, because we hadsworn to become a married couple eventually, when you abandoned your duty andrun away, I was engulfed by hatred thinking your were a heartless woman.”

“Do you know how hurt I was when Silviatold me you probably had someone you loved…? While you had promised to becomemy spouse, you didn’t trust me enough to confide all that distress to me.”

            Thatwas right. I had disclosed such a thing to Silvia. That I had someone I loved. Thatfor his sake, I could do everything. That person was Soleil though, but. … …Ah, I see. My escape led them to connect those thoughts like this.

“Because you were clever youprobably noticed. That I didn’t love you. But, for that exact reason, I thoughtwe could make things work well as husband and wife. With affection andfriends.h.i.+p, I believed we could built a harmonious relation over time.”

            Soleil’swords that were like a monologue resounded inside the quiet room.

“All those future prospects,everything, was crushed by your departure.”

            The more I thought about it, the more I thoughtI hated you. So, even if I knew it was really difficult for you who was from an.o.ble family to live in the streets, I deliberately left you alone. Soleilcut his words at this point.

            Iwonder if he wanted to say that I had reaped what I sowed.

            Iunderstood well what Soleil was trying to say. For him, his life was naturally hisfirst and his last. He simply fell in love with Silvia, but he didn’t betrayme. He didn’t love me, but at least, as my fiancé he tried to face me as sincerely as he could.That’s why he found the time to come and meet me. For that sake he oftenappeared when Silvia and I were studying. Actually, it may have been only tosee Silvia, but still he didn’t do anything unfaithful. The one who betrayedwas me, so the one who was hated was also me. No matter how many times Soleilbetrays me in my acc.u.mulating lives, no matter how many times Silvia stoles theperson I love, no matter how many times I end with a violent death, it is irrelevantand has nothing to do with the him of the current life. Because he doesn’tknow. He doesn’t know we can’t achieve the ideals he pictured in his mind. Hedoesn’t know that something like getting along well as a married couple, isimpossible.  

“Still now… I’m grateful to you.Because thanks to what you did I could build a family with Silvia……”

            Soleil’svoice was getting farther and farther away. Unlike the other lives, this time isdifferent, Soleil is beside me, my little sister is here too. It’s differentfrom the time I died alone in despair while hearing the voice of a newborn, it’sdifferent from the time I chose to die by my own hands with a rope. It was nota prison here, I didn’t suffer torture either. Overlooked by a stainlesscelling, gently wrapped in a brand-new bed, I wasn’t freezing to death.

            But,I should have die at that time where those black eyes where gently watchingover me. I didn’t want to die like this. In this place where everything ishere, but there is nothing.

            Thehand that I hold was cold, it didn’t transmit any warmth to my lukewarm body,but I didn’t need anything else. In that room where there was nothing, but surely,everything was there.

            Crow.

            Crow.

            Why,are you not here now… …

*
*

“… Iria-sama? What happened?”

            Iheard a soft and nice voice and turned around. Shaking her luxuriant blond hairs,Marianne frowned.

“… Ah, it’s those two again…”

            Whenwe went to the school cafeteria for lunch, that place was a bit noisy. Lookingover the direction of the commotion, I saw my fiancé and my little sister who werewalking close together. As I was absentmindedly following their figures with myeyes, I heard whispering voices saying the two of them suited each other. ForSoleil-sama, rather than Iria-sama her little sister Silvia-sama was moresuitable.

            Mariannewho had come together with me for lunch followed my line of sight and saw them.

“Irisa-sama, as expected, isn’t itgoing a bit too far?”

            Implicitly,with a tinge of criticism she was asking me if Silvia’s conduct as a daughterof a n.o.ble was not good. She was indeed walking closely with a man who had afiancé. Even if no one taught you, you should have known that such a behaviorwas not a praiseworthy thing. However.

“… My little sister has a weak body,and because of it she wasn’t taught much about social etiquette…”

            Itwas my role to say that and back her up. Because I was her big sister.

“Iria-sama, as expected I’m gettingtired of hearing that excuse. Besides, since you haven’t notice it, I’ll daresay this…”

“?”

“Your expression looks as if you’reabout to cry you know.”

            Marianneslender hand swept away my own hand which was tightly grasping a cup of tea onthe table.

“Is it really alright to leave it asit is now?”

            Don’t you love Soleil-sama?

            Iwas hard pressed by her reply which was uttered softly wrapped in gentleness. Theprevious me certainly was in love with Soleil. And the me of the current lifetoo, at the time she met Soleil, she fell in love with him. After that teaparty, I couldn’t say that my love for him collapsed after watching Soleil andSilvia fell in love in front of my very eyes.

            But.

            But,something was not right.

            Something, was different.

Nocta’s thoughts:

“… Iria, the whole time… I’ve hated you… …”

The first time I read the story, I foundit difficult to not hate Soleil. It’s complex, because like Iria says, in thislife he felt betrayed by her and it’s normal for him to hate her, but becausewe’ve seen all the other lives we know it’s him who betrays her again andagain. It can’t be help, he doesn’t love her. But it can’t be help, I stillhated him.

The author surely intended to makethe readers feel negative emotions toward him. And then, she wrote the nextarc.

The next arc is one of the thingsthat made me want to read the raw and fight with Google Trad for them. Now thatI’ve become better at j.a.panese, the story is more interesting to read andtranslate. Enjoy!