The Third Life and Thereafter – 5

“You have to properly understand that there isno replacement for you.” I remembered the words told by the marquis’s wife. For that reason,first, I started by raising a person capable of becoming my replacement. Whileaffecting a casual manner, pretending nothing was wrong, while being easygoing,to my gentle little sister, to Silvia, I taught everything I had learnt so far bypretending it was a training in homemaking arts. It may have been harsh to dothis to her who didn’t even have a fiancé. From a third person’s perspective,it may have seemed like I was bulling her, and indeed, that was what said themaids. However, when I told her it was necessary for the sake of her future,only Silvia slightly narrowed her eyes and soon started to laugh with a joythat came from the bottom of her heart.

“I, until today, I felt like I wasalready dead.”

            Mylittle sister looked at me with eyes that weren’t the slightest bit clouded. Thewords she a.s.sembled together in a breath sounds like they were carrying afeeling of exhaustion. There is nothing Ican do about my weak body, at best all I can try to improve it is to take adaily stroll. Even if I want to chat a bit, because it will tire me out it’sprohibited. I’m being carefully and preciously protected, I was told that itwas alright to not do anything so I must live, but on the other contrary itfelt like I’m gradually dying, said Silvia while crying softly. And thenshe grasped my hand and told me “Thank you.” Yes, she said thank you. I, whoreplied there was no need for thanks and addressed a smile to Silvia, I wonderhow long I can keep my pretended coolness.  

            Allthe time, the principle that governed my conduct was my self-interest. I wantedto stand beside Soleil. I couldn’t bear to be looked with scorn and disdain byhis eyes. I couldn’t bear to die alone and lonely, neither could I endure somebodyputting all the blame on me, I was fed up of being always condemned at each endof my life. That’s why, to not let this happen, I tried to save Silvia. It wasthe same in all my lives. Even this time it was probably the same. It wasn’tfor her sake. I was only persistency doing the things that must be done for myown sake and self-interest. However, it was the first time something like guiltshown through my feelings. As I watched my little sister’s cheeks flushed redwith joy when she stared at me, I knew I was the one that made her shows suchan expression, and I came to think this time was the first time I truly actedlike an older sister.

            Thischild will one day steal Soleil from me.

            BecauseI’ve always known it, while on one hand I set the goal of saving her, inreality on the other hand, I wondered whymust I save her and felt kind of conflicted. Unnoticed, this gave birth toa distance between my little sister and me, or rather, I behaved like I wantedto stay away from her. It wasn’t only my parents and our servants who said shemust by locked up in her room because her body is frail. My parents and ourentourage were surely worried about my little sister, but I was different. Itwas simply because I felt at ease thinking that as long as she stayed quietlyin her room I wouldn’t have to meet her. I was always looking for a legitimate reasonto stay away from my little sister.

            IfI must ponder about when I start to think like that, it’s probably at that teaparty as expected. Until that moment, Silvia had been my cute, one and onlylittle sister. 

            Tightlygrasping my hand, Silvia said with a weakened voice she has been lonely allthat time. While watching her listless profile, I vaguely felt that the time toface each other might have come. I knew that Silvia whose body was said to betoo frail to bear children could get pregnant. In other words, like me she alsohad the qualifications to marry into a n.o.ble house. An earl house with a thirdcourt rank was not of a high standing but as a n.o.ble family its status couldn’tbe criticized and more than anything Silvia ephemeral appearance was generallywidely appreciated. Originally, the future of my little sister should have beensecured. There should have been many men willing to be adopted into our familywith pleasure, and even if Silvia were to leave the house the successionwouldn’t be that much of a problem. Since I married into the marquis house, inthe worst case that Silvia would pa.s.s away due to her illness, it had been decidedthat our father’s younger brother who was quite apart in age would inherit thet.i.tle. If Silvia had been healthy, then there would have been no element in herlife she could have be dissatisfied with.

            Itmy case, the status of Soleil’s family was too high. Surely, because variouscoincidences piled up and the position of being his fiancé felt on my lap, Idesperately clung to it. Because I knew the only way to stand beside him was bybeing his fiancé. It might have been different if we were of the same s.e.x. IfSoleil had wished for it, I could probably have become an ordinary friend. Butwe were of the opposite s.e.x, if I didn’t become his fiancé staying by his sidewouldn’t be permit. Being a marquis’s son was that high of a social position.But maybe, all that discord occurred because I was the one who became Soleil’sfiancé.

            Ifthe other party had been Silvia?

            Soleilwould surely volunteer to protect her himself. No matter what anyone else toldhim, there was no doubt he would have cherished and protected her to the end, wrappingher in silk layers as if she was a frail porcelain doll. Even if his belovedSilvia was dragged into danger because of the fact he was endowed with thesocial position of being just below royalty, he wouldn’t let anyone get awaywith endangering her, and would always be at her side guarding her from harm.I’m sure he can do this. Even if I’m not here to protect her.

            Afterall this time I reached that conclusion.  

“I will do my best, big sister. Tothe extend you’ll feel proud of me…”

            Thethin fingers of my little sister who grasped her pen wrote down the formulainside the notebook. For the sake of learning the territory administrationeconomics cannot be skipped. Silvia said she wasn’t good at calculation, butshe was persevering hard enough. I wanted her to at least memorize the languagesof the friendly neighboring countries and when I invited a foreign languageteacher, she happily started to learn the new vocabulary. At first, it wasprobably a big mental burden for her, who didn’t have any occasion to meet withpeople outside of our family and employees, to request to be taught bystrangers. But Silvia whose big eyes sparkled in happiness was not afraid tolearn. Until late at night, she would review what she had learn during the day,and even if the number of times her lack of sleep caused anemia weren’t few, Ithought it wasn’t a bad sign. I didn’t know Silvia was the kind of personcapable of putting in that much efforts. The kindler I treat her, the morecheerful Silvia became. There were days where she was sickbed as usual, but theywere remarkably less than before. The personal doctor of the earl house hadtwisted his neck in wonder and made the following diagnostic, “until now thereprobably was the effect of some mental depression.” Silvia had been said to betoo much frail to be able to live long. This may have already become a thing ofthe past.

            Andthen, Soleil frequently watched over Silvia and I who got closer and lookedintimate at first glance. On the bright face I didn’t manage to see a singletime in all my piled-up lives, his pairs of eyes were narrowed in tenderness.Just by slightly decreasing the distance between Silvia and me, he completelychanged his hardened expression. “You two really get along well” he said whilemoving his sight toward Silvia whose cheek had redden as she was dreaming ofthe future. That figure that looked at my little sister with a deep love issimilar to a figure I saw somewhere, sometimes.

            Soleilfalls in love with my little sister. My little sister seizes Soleil and herhappiness. Then, me. …… what about me?

            Inthese lives of mine that seemed to change but where nothing really changes, Ifeel like I’m drowning and my breath is blocked. In all this suffering too,there is surely some sense.

*

            Theday I slipped out of the mansion, it was raining.

            Unlikelast time, I coiled a black overcoat around me to blend with the darkness as Isneaked away. I packed up enough clothes to last a few days in a small bag andbrought along jewels that could be exchanged for cash. The money I had preparedbeforehand was in my underwear, the daily necessities could be bought anywhere,so bringing almost nothing with me I run to the place where the person whowould act as my guide was waiting. Probably n.o.body noticed I slipped out of themansion. The reason for this was because my wedding with Soleil would be in twodays, as such both mine and the marquis’s houses were pressed for time due tothe preparations and had no room to spare to anything else. The guard was reallylax, I very easily managed to sneak out. In order to make Silvia become mysubst.i.tute, I had judged it was probably best to flee that day. After all thistime it was impossible to cancel the wedding ceremony, so our earl house wouldhave no other choice but to offer an alternative. The only suitable person, wasmy little sister Silvia. The situation was different from the previous time Ieloped, she had got through education to become a bride. Our parents willprobably be able to keep their pride. The marquis’s house too, as long as therewas a bride, would decide to ignore me. Even my escort knight Al who had tothrow away his life because of the previous me, while he might be a littlecriticized for letting his master run away under his very noise, but it willonly be that. At least it won’t become a situation where his life is stolen.Because anyhow, he didn’t know a single thing about the plan itself. I made allthe preparations by myself, from beginning to end I never consulted Al foranything. If I had only been a normal teenager, I probably wouldn’t have beenable to think of all this. Because I was born and raised as an aristocrat, n.o.bodywould have think I could run away, disappear in the streets and live there.

            However,I had memories. Memories of a great number of acc.u.mulated lives. I haverepeated the same time, made mistakes again and again, and I’ve finally foundmy resolution. The resolution to run away from here, the resolution to distancemyself from Soleil. If it’s now I can doit, was what I thought while I casted away everything. Feeling as if I hadgrown wings, I felt into the delusion that I could escape from thatmisfortunate fate. I was convinced that I could carry through this time forsure.

            That’sprobably why it turned out like this.   

            Ratherthan tumbling and falling down the stairs, it felt more like being pushed off acliff. I took a step forward thinking there was a footpath but there was noground at the tip of my feet, and before I realized that I was falling, my bodywas already thrown at the bottom of the abyss. I just left my heart behind atthe top of the cliff and felt down.

            Idon’t know who the traitor was. The previous time we run away, Al found ourcooperators by himself. They were probably either his knight comrades or closefriends he could trust. But this time I didn’t borrow the help of thesepersons. Because knights entrusted their lives to each other, they wereespecially united. If you sought the cooperation of any one of them, there wasthe possibility that this plan would become known not only by Al but also bySoleil. So this time I requested the help of one of the trustworthy merchantwho we frequently commerce with. Was it a mistake in the first place? Or was itone of the men he asked for help who betrayed us? Anyway, before I knew it Iwas detained by a slave trader. All my possessions were torn off me and handedover to someone, at that time n.o.body would believe anymore that I was an.o.blewoman. That was natural. Because it was improbable for a young lady of an.o.ble family to be alone in the middle of the city without any escort. Changingmy clothes partway to mingle in the streets was a poor move. My jewels andmoney were stolen, of course. My hair and my body were dirty because of therain that was falling when I run away, and because I feared being tracked down Ididn’t bring anything that could prove my ident.i.ty. Everything worked in anegative direction. Now that Silvia had become my subst.i.tute, there was n.o.bodywho would try to locate me. After having been resold and resold again and againno traces were left, and nothing could prevent me from falling down to theplace called the lowest of all brothels. Just by the fact I had flee, I hadthrown mud at my parent’s home. After having done such a thing I couldn’t seektheir help. Although I think I cried at first, unable to call anyone’s name forhelp, I started to wait for time to pa.s.s. As my body and flesh were violated,my heart and mind too, were s.n.a.t.c.hed away.

            Iwas alive, but dead.

            Losingyour mind and heart was like that. I didn’t think, I never dreamt, I probablynever hoped. I became unable to remember for what reason I had tried to runaway. But, I also remember this intuition. Somewhere inside my head, I thoughtthat I will repeat it again.

            …… The clanking sound of porcelain striking against each other disturbed me as Iwas originally drifting into a swallow sleep.

            Onthe other side of the stained sheets, on top of the lone and desolate bedsidetable, a gla.s.s of water placed on a cup was shaking. Reflect on the surface ofthis gla.s.s, was a face that had lost its color, a face that brought me animpression of déjà vu. It was probably because it was the expression I sawreflected on the mirror that I looked at just before I died in my former life.I no longer knew for how long I have been living here in that manner. Far fromcounting the pa.s.sing days, I didn’t even keep track of the time as there wasnothing to show the hours here. It was the lookout outside of the room thatmeasured the fee due each hour. We were not given the slightest bit of freedom.Even the liberty of knowing the time didn’t exist here.

“Drugs.”

            Maybebecause I seemed unlikely to move, the quiet voice impatiently urged me to takethem. I stayed lying on the bed and only raised my eyes, but when I did so, Isaw a boy looking at me, half his body leaning over me. He seemed to be around 4or 5 years old. A pair of black eyes was set on his white face, his hairs wereblack like Soleil’s, his slender neck was tilted diagonally; one by one Ichecked his outward features and confirmed they matched the description of theperson that was on my mind. (Crow). I didn’t manage to say the word, the nameof that person disappeared when it reached the tip of my lips. The gesture of bendinghis neck as he peered fixedly into my eyes was completely the same as the adolescentCrow. I knew that he could freely change his appearance, but I didn’t know hecould also liberally change how old he looked. Naturally at first, I thought itwas my own imagination playing tricks on me. That it was someone else whoaccidently resembled him. No matter how much their face looked the same, he wasmuch younger than the Crow I knew, since he was a child it was unlikely for himto be the real person himself. It was easier to conclude he was a relative orsomething like that. He was completely different from the Crow who I spent timewith at the same moments in my previous life. But Crow was Crow. There was nodoubt. Although the Crow of this life hadn’t even told me his name.    

“Can you get up?”

            Hegently put his hand on my back to support me and I finally could rise my body upa bit. Crow unwrapped the red powder medicine and placed it on top of his littlehand. I knew that it was surely expensive and the boy must have secretly procuredit from somewhere. I didn’t say it out loud because Crow probably didn’t wantme to know about it. He didn’t even demand money in exchange. The boy who appearedfrom nowhere as soon as I got sick, had probably been observing me fromsomewhere just like how he did when we met in one of my previous lives. Heappeared in that cavern-like-brothel while claiming he was my caretaker andtook residence in my room as if it was the most natural thing. But no one elseseemed to know about him. To begin with, in this kind of place there was nooccupation like caretaker. Because prost.i.tutes of the lowest of lowest grade likeus were not considered as human being. But Crow wasn’t introduced by anyone andbefore I knew it he was here, taking care of me.

            “Drinkeven if it’s only a bit” said Crow with a sullen face as I kept my mouth closedno matter how much time pa.s.sed. When I involuntary laughed because it wasunusual for him to make that kind of expression, he put the edge of cup at thegap of my lips which had opened slightly. While coughing several times, I finallymanaged to drink some water and swallow the drug. My throat felt weak. One Istarted coughing it wouldn’t stop, my chest made an unpleasant wheezing sound.Today too customers will surely come. I must manage to recover and get upsomehow. When I mumbled and moved my tongue on which remained the bitter tasteof the medicine, suddenly, Crow climbed on my bed. As I was wondering what hewould do, he kept quiet and lied down beside me. Then, he clutched my stretched-outhand. His hand that didn’t transmit warmth as usual felt comfortable, probablybecause I had a fever. I understood that feeling physically exhausted after takingsome medicine meant my fever was high. Even though there was the possibility tocatch this unknown illness, the fact that customers would still come visit thisroom showed how humans’ l.u.s.ts were truly endless.

“Iria, is there anything you want?”

            Atthe time I was swept away in human traffic, I was told to throw away my name. Atfirst, I did so and changed names a few times. Then when I arrived her Istarted using my real name. I threw my family name. But, no matter what, I couldn’tbring myself to give up my first name. Once again, a childish voice called out “Iria.”The pair of black eyes was seizing me, in the tiny room devoid of window anddominated by a deep silence, they just continued to stare at me. I knew theywere pressing me to answer, but in truth it had already become too tiresome toeven utter a single word. That’s how weak I had become, and I almost wanted to fallasleep at once.

“Hey, Iria. Should I lend you a hand?”

            Insidemy dozing off consciousness I heard Crow gently murmuring this. The first timewe met, Crow certainly asked me the same question. Then, he became my hands andfeet exactly like he said he would and he lent me his help for all kind ofthings. However, this Crow was not the Crow of that time. There was nothing towish from the black bird that had taken the appearance of this boy. He certainlywas a bird portentous of ill omen. However, in a world were only calamities existed,that was no longer a misfortune.

“Why, why, why am I the only one, why is it only to me that things likethis……”

            Thatday where I was loaded on a carriage like goods, with both my hands and feet restricted.I, who was lamenting over all the lives had I experimented until then and over thecurrent one, was told by a girl who had been similarly caught, “… You’re not the only one.” Yes, her stagnatedand dispirited gaze silently told me this.

            That’sright. I wasn’t the only one. Being deceived, caught, sold, dealt with like Iwas a thing, piled up on a carriage like a luggage. Traded for money. I wasn’tthe only one who was restrained by chains and sold.

            Butsurely, the only one who couldn’t escape from this h.e.l.l, was me and me alone.

            Silviawas surely living happily under Soleil’s protection. Without being attacked bya band of thieves, without collapsing in illness, she’ll gave birth and raise achild, and fulfill her duty as the wife of the marquis. That child was surelylaughing. I set that stage and run away. I know that Soleil slightly slackenhis cheeks just by looking at that child. I know it. Because it has always beenthe case. In a place where I’m not, Soleil and Silvia are probably staring ateach other in happiness.

            That’swhy, I’ll remain like this, in this pitch-dark place, I’ll stay here forever.