Even I knowwhat is the fear of losing the person you love. Because more than anyone else,more than anything else, from the bottom of my heart I was afraid of losingSoleil. That was why I had made all the efforts I could to not be hated by him.

 “I, was I, wrong somewhere?”

            Thewords that had involuntarily slipped out of my mouth unexpectedly reverberatedin the room that had fallen deadly silent.

“My lady?”

            Theman who had been my escort knight since my childhood raised his voice from thecorner of the room. The only person who was not using “madam”, but wascontinuing to call me like when I had been unmarried, was him. I don’t knowwhy, but no matter how many times he was rebuked for it he never ceased to callme like this. It may be because he had been together with me since I was achild and he couldn’t see me as an adult woman, but my heart was stuck with theimpression he didn’t approve of me being Soleil’s wife. If it had been anothertime, I would have been able to fend him off with a smile, but right now it wasimpossible. Because if I let my guard down now I would start to cry, I tightlyclosed my eyes to endure it.

            Sincethe news announcing that Silvia was seriously ill had arrived, a week had pa.s.sed.I heard that Silvia had somewhat managed to hang onto her life. However, itseemed she wasn’t in a stable situation yet, even now she must remain underconstant observation. I heard there would always be someone staying beside her.

            Soleilremained at Silvia’s side and didn’t come back to the estate.

            Asfor me, due to intense morning sickness, I was in a state where I couldn’traise my head. Since that time when I collapsed in the entrance hall, I hadbeen confined in bed. Because there was the risk I would lose the child if Ioverworked myself, the doctor had urged me to stay in bed for a while and totake a complete rest. I knew I had to immediately head for my parents’ housebut it was a situation where even this much couldn’t be done with my own willalone. My health was bad to that extent. If I were to ride a carriage, mystomach would surely slowly be turned over.

            Evenso, if I had given priority to Silvia, if I had been an ordinary older sister,I think I probably would have gone to see my little sister. My ideals weretelling me this was what it meant to be a family, to be a big sister. Theideals I imagined were declaring this.

            But,however.

            Themore days pa.s.sed by, the more I didn’t know what kind of expressions were goodto make when I would meet her. All themore when I heard she was hanging onto her life. All the more when I heard herconsciousness has returned. All the more when I thought Soleil was surely byher side. I have to go. Despite me thinking this, without knowing what att.i.tudeI should take, my legs refused to move. If it had been an unconscious Silvia,indeed it would have been possible to see her while displaying the visage of akind big sister. I could have hold her powerless hand and prayed she would stayalive. I could probably have closed all my real thoughts inside my heart andacted the part of a praiseworthy big sister. However, in front of a Silvia whohas regain consciousness, I can’t predict what kind of conduct I’ll take.

            Iwill surely blame that child. Even if I seal my words, with my eyes, I willtell it to that child.

            Whyare you alive?

“Hey, can you come over for a bit?”

            Icalled the escort who was standing near the door. He showed a slightly hesitantlook, but before long, he approached until a distance not far from the bed.Originally, even if he was an escort, it’s not a praiseful thing for two personsto be alone in a bedroom. But at the present time where the head of thehousehold is absent, most of the people were out, so there was no one to findfault with it.

“I have a request I want to ask.”

“Yes, what is it?”

“… my hand, can you grasp it?”

“Oh, but, well… that’s…”

            Imade a bitter smile toward the escort who was clearly gazing at me in afl.u.s.ter.

“That’s right, as I thought it’simpossible.”

            Thehand I had hold out lost its strength and fell down atop the bed. You could seethat my fingertips were losing their heat. 

“Say, Al.”

“… yes?”

“I, how long, should I persevere?”

“My lady,”

            WhenI looked up, his clear blue eyes wavered. He had golden hairs and gentlefeatures. The only s.h.i.+eld that protects me. In my first life when I had beenarrested as a criminal, because he was my escort knight he was considered anaccomplice. By no means the charges that had been piled up were things a womancould carried out by herself. Naturally. Because in the first place, they werefalse accusations. In order to make these strained and inexplicable facts looksconsistent, he, who was upright and clean-handed, was arrested. The person whoinformed me of it was a jailer whose name I didn’t know. He didn’t tell me out ofkindness. By your fault, a knight will die. I remember being told such asentence.

            That’swhy, in this life to avoid getting neither too close nor too distant, Ideliberately attempted to stay away from him. Because I didn’t want to involvehim in my life.

“It’s fine if you don’t hold myhand, but can you stay here?”

“Yes, of course, my lady.”

            Withone knee on the floor, my escort that was now at the same height looked at me.He had a gaze similar to the limpid waters of the surface of a lake. In the roomthat was enveloped by a deadly silence, I had the feeling that our crossing lines of sight made a small noise similar to a creak.  

“Lady?”

“…What is it?”

 “I don’t mind ignoring some silly talk.”

“… What an awful way to phrase it.Saying you’ll ignore it, it’s the same as telling you won’t listen to it.”

            Ilaughed, as if I was seeing some tragic things, and slightly raised an eyebrow.

“If my lady wishes for it, I willlend my hand at any time. If you truly desire it.”

“Hmm…”

“Because these hands will alwaysexist for my lady’s sake.” 

            Nomatter how sweetly gentle his words sounded, they were words spat out as if tocrush me, and were demonstrating that this was something that would never betolerated. They had a different nuance than when I said I just wanted to holdhand. It’s the weight behind the words. That is to say, in truth, he wouldpresent his hand.

            Itmeant he would grasp his sword, throw away his pride as a knight.   

            Ifhere and now I were to take his hand, running away probably wouldn’t be hard.But the ruin that would befall runaways wasn’t hard to imagine. Because bymaking an enemy out of the marquis house, we would have no place left to live. All themore since this body is carrying the heir, there is no doubt the house would trackme down in a frenzy. For that family status, for that lineage, it was obviousit would turn into a manhunt across the whole country. I couldn’t drag such agentle person into that kind of life. He was someone who had pile up a lot ofefforts to become a knight. Without doubts, he was the same as I who had beenraised to become the mistress of a marquis house. The path he traveled alonguntil here, I couldn’t let him threw it away just for my sake.

“I’ve listened to it. You’re right,it really was some silly talk.”

“…”

            WhenI said that, my escort knight laughed without any vigor. Enticing an elopement,with the remark itself there was the possibility of being charged with a crime.That’s why, when he said he would offer his hand, he had surely gathered aconsiderable amount of resolution. Knowing such a deep resolution, I will nottake this hand. And from now on, I will never choose it.

            Atthe moment I met Soleil, I decided to become his wife. That was the path thathad been decided by my surroundings, but I never once felt reluctant to followit. In the aristocrat society where political marriage devoid of feeling werethe norm, I thought that I, who could harbor affection for Soleil, was blessedwith good fortune. From my childhood I understood what were my role and duties,but at the same time I had a dream. I believed that in a future where I was walkingside by side with the person I loved, there would be no flaw. I had theintention to wait until the day he too, would develop feeling for me.

            Evennow, I was probably still pursuing that dream.

            Notmatter how much my expectations are betrayed, the image of a blessed futurethat was once harbored in my chest won’t leave my heart. I understand howfoolish this is.

“That’s why, I’m sorry, Al.”

               I muttered this in the darkness thatencircled me as I had fallen half asleep. I didn’t know if my voice reachedhim. No answer came from my escort knight.

            Please,forgive the foolish me who ignored your resolution and called it a sillytalk.  

****************************

            Sincemy health had considerably recovered, I, only one time, went to visit Silvia.Soleil who had return to the estate for his work, requested me to go see her. Iwas thinking he would certainly rebuke me and ask me why I hadn’t go yet, but itended in an anticlimactic way when I nodded in agreement without any energy.

            Afterreplying, I noticed the unnaturalness of the conversation. Normally, it shouldbe a scene where I, the older sister, must pet.i.tion Soleil. Where I requestearnestly of my husband to let me go cheer up my little sister who wasbedridden in illness. That way was certainly sounder. I wonder how good itwould have been if I had said I intended to go without being told to. But Icouldn’t say it. If it had been permitted, I didn’t want to meet. What kind offace make, in what standpoint would it be good to meet that child? I didn’tknow. I couldn’t comprehend a single thing.

            “Pleasecome with me.” The words bounced inside my mouth then vanished.

            …… Then in the end, after being asked to do so by Soleil, I went to see mylittle sister.   

            Myparents’ house that I visited alone after a long time, was sunk in silence. Nowthat the only light called Silvia was losing its radiance, the interior of themansion seemed to have been deprived of its glow.

            Silviawas still in bed but she laughed and said shewas recovering enough to get up while being supported by mother. Under her eyes and in their outer corner was areddish tinge painful to look at. “Somehow, I’ve recovered enough to be able to talk.” Still, now, itwon’t be for long, tell me that trembling voice.

            WhenI stepped inside my little sister’s room, I could see that the shadow of adeath that couldn’t be driven away was drawing near. Much weaker than before,the appearance of my little sister who seemed to be breathing with difficultypierced me. Whether because she originally had a lovely face, or because she seemedto be cladded in a shadow, even though she was lying sick in bed she was stillvery beautiful.     

“Big sister, I’m sorry.”

            Tomy little sister who muttered that while looking at me, with what kind of voiceshould I answer? While thinking of what words to give to my little sister whois close to dying that wouldn’t make me look like an inhuman person, I slightlystroked my stomach. When I told him I was pregnant, Soleil who had return tothe mansion for his work just smiled and say “Is that so?” His face wascertainly smiling, but it was devoid of any strong feelings and his tone ofvoice had been cold. He wasn’t rejoicing. He wasn’t repudiating it either. Itjust seemed like he was indicating his thoughts of acknowledgement to hissubordinate for completing his mission.

“I, love Soleil-sama.”

            Infront of her chest, Silvia crossed her slender fingers that had become so thinthey looked like withered branches. She was looking like she was praying, likeshe was repenting. On her cheeks that had thinned and lost color and yetretained a last l.u.s.ter, one long tear was falling out.

“I, will soon die.”

            So,that’s why please, forgive me.

            HearingSilvia tone of voice that was still clear despite her illness, an inappropriatethought - since when did she stop calling him “big brother” - crossed mymind. Mixed with the odor of medicine, I noticed the fragrance of Soleil’sfavorite black tea leaves was floating in the air. That’s how long a time hespent in this place, looking at the decorations of a room that was typical of mylittle sister with her young girl hobbies. It’s a little laughable to thinkthat brusque Soleil had spend time in this place, and I was jealous of my littlesister who retained him in that uncomfortable room.

“Big sister, I, am afraid of beingalone. I’m afraid of dying alone.”

            Mylittle sister voice pa.s.sed through my ears. I’ve never heard words that don’taffect my heart this much. If it’s been decided you’ll die, will you beforgiven no matter what you do? The persons who will soon die, must they begranted forgiveness no matter what?

            Inthe end, I couldn’t offer that mere single word to my little sister. Even if Iforgive her or don’t, even if I hate her or bear a grudge against her, even thatmere single word. I couldn’t even simply say I was glad she was alive.

            Onthe night of that day, Soleil returned to the mansion to tell me that Silviawas crying.  

“I heard you went to see Silvia.What on earth did you tell her?”

            Whilelooking at his cold expression, I replied “nothing.” On top of being the onlyword that I could find, it was the truth. Hearing this, Soleil made an expressionthat showed a disappointment coming from the bottom of his heart and said “don’ttell lies.”

            Don’ttell lies.

            IfI think of all the things you’ve done so far, I can’t put any faith in yourwords. With that face and voice of yours, you have schemed against many people.

            I’malready fed up with this.

            Tobegin with, that child, is it mine?

            …… A coup de grace, was surely something like that sentence. You could killpeople without physically stabbing them with a blade. I felt like screaming,but after all, I also didn’t feel like raising my voice. The world lost itscolor. My heart was crushed.

            WhenI noticed, once again, I was back on my bed.

“If things continue like this,madam’s body will be put at risk. If it’s now, we can still make it in time.You ought to give up on your child.”

The olddoctor took my hand with a face that could only be described as sorrowful.Before I knew it, the only person who wouldn’t hesitate to grasp my hand washim and only him.

“… no, doctor.”

            Ifa possibility exists, then I won’t give up that child. Because surely, a childthat looks like Soleil will be born.

            Iwill use that child to prove my innocence.

            Oh,I see. That’s why Soleil has distanced himself from me?

            Suddenly,everything made sense.

            Itwas exactly as Soleil had said. To prove my love for Soleil, I stepped on toomany people. While making a face like it was nothing, unconcerned, I stepped onanyone. Because at that time, I thought it was the thing I must do. Becauseotherwise, it would have been hard to even protect my feelings. I intended tofollow the right path.  

            …… And then, after several months, I gave birth to a child who had the same haircolor as Soleil.

            However,I didn’t know his eyes color. I was barely able to give birth with great difficultiesbut, without being able to hold the child in my arms, I died. Eventually, itwent the way the doctor had feared.

            At the moment when my consciousness was vanis.h.i.+ng, I felt that in the corner ofmy field of vision which had narrowed, I saw the golden hairs of my escort, butit could also have been an illusion. Before I had known it, the person who wascaring the responsibility of escorting me had been replaced. On my very lastmoments, no one was left by my side. 

            Soleilwas attending to my little sister, even for the day the baby was given birthto, he didn’t even come back to encourage his wife. Even as a vision, Soleildidn’t come by my side.

            I’mlonely.

            I’msad.

            BesidesSilvia who said she was afraid to die alone, Soleil was here.

            I’mafraid. I too, was hopelessly afraid.  

            Ihad enough. I don’t want these feelings never again. Being born again, I neverwant to.

            Insuch a world, I should surely not be alive.